How can I do this?

Parent Cafe
181

<p>Even if H long ago told her that if she didn’t allow contact with me, she shouldn’t contact him, I don’t think it would have made any difference.</p>

<p>She grew up in a world ( by attending particular private schools) that I hoped would expand & encourage her hopes and dreams, but I think what it did was convince her that we weren’t good enough ( especially me). I tried the very hardest that I could, but I was under tremendous stress especially her last two years of high school when my husband & I were separated. Ironically, my mother in law tried to warn me, but I thought she just wanted to hold D back.</p>

<p>I was having a breakdown, and while I had already committed myself twice to inpatient care ( just for evaluation, they didn’t keep me that long), I didn’t feel I had that option anymore ( because then H would have to move back) and no one around me saw what was happening, even though I tried to get the kids as much support as I could. I’m sure it didn’t feel that way to them.</p>

182

<p>Life is too short, but, unfortunately, most don’t realize that until hindsight. </p>

<p>What would be considered “civil” in a parent-child relationship? Would calling on holidays, birthdays, hardships fit the bill?</p>

183

<p>Emerald.</p>

<p>Life hands us all kinds of crap and we all do our best at the time. We also all make mistakes. Gosh, there are some things in my life I would take back in a heartbeat if I could …but…I can’t. You have tried to reconcile with your daughter. You have apologiged for whatever is making her so angry. You have left the door open. That’s great.</p>

<p>This isn’t so much about your daughter as it is your husband and you. Its about nuclear family dynamics. Why should one person be given the power by the others to screw the whole thing up. </p>

<p>Nope, in my house its either be civil or stand alone.</p>

184

<p>Niquii. </p>

<p>If your father died tomorrow would you be okay with the way your relationship has ended?</p>

<p>That’s the bottom line.</p>

<p>I think Emeralds daughter is too young to realize the harm she is causing to herself.</p>

185

<p>No, I would not be happy one bit…distraught even. But I would come to terms with my choice: To not speak to my father. I would try to remember the good times, while not beating myself over what could have been. </p>

<p>Families must keep family members honest with themselves and each other. They do not need to tolerate whatever storm is thrown at them by a loved one. If the actions of a family member are affecting someone else, it needs to be addressed. However, when things come to repetitive cycle, something must be changed, and in certain instances, communication is thrown out the window when a family member feels they are being negatively impacted by another.</p>

<p>I think emerald’s daughter knows to a certain extent the effect of her actions. She may not expect everything that will come of this, but she is aware to some effect.</p>

186

<p>I have a very dysfunctional family with some who seem to have pretty severe mental health issues. I have been in the middle of some very crappy stuff with siblings and parents, and there have been times when I was just not able to communicate with my dad. I felt that I needed some support and he felt that he needed to criticize me. I had a child to raise alone and I just couldn’t fall apart, so I separated myself from the situation and did without his support.</p>

<p>I am not proud of myself here. I wish I could have been strong enough to deal with it, to work through it. But I could not and I did not, at least not then.</p>

<p>I am now the sole caretaker of that same dad. He is 90 years old and needs someone, and I am it.</p>

<p>I am not saying that the situation is the same with Emeraldkity, not at all. Just to say that for whatever reason, I think it’s good that EK’s elder daughter has a parent to communicate with. I hope, hope, hope that EK and daughter can work out a relationship despite issues on both sides. I am sure the daughter isn’t happy about her need, for whatever reason rational, dysfunctional or whatever, not to have contact with her mom right now.</p>

<p>EK, I hope it happens sooner rather than later.</p>

187

<p>Having been through this with an awful sibling, it can be a delicate cakewalk. We can’t get unreasonable people to be reasonable</p>

188

<p>EK, I’m really sorry about your situation. It must be so hard for you, and I can’t even pretend to understand. Again, I’m really sorry. </p>

<p>I’ve never been on non-speaking terms with anyone, but I did lose my father to cancer a few years ago. I’d give anything in this earthly world to just see him one more time, but prior to his death, I never fully understood the reality of appreciating the here-and-now. </p>

<p>Sometimes it takes something tragic to make things better. It’s by no means a consolation, but it’s something that does happen a lot. I agree with the above: life is too short. We should all strive to appreciate what we have while we have it. It isn’t always fair when things change, and it’s hard for everyone. </p>

<p>Again, I’m so sorry, and I hope to hear that things eventually work themselves out!</p>

189

<p>Here’s part of what bothers me. Emeraldkity wants her H to ask her D if it’s okay to send her a Christmas card. But the D had no problem using that itunes gift card. THAT bothers me. It seems to me that the D is picking and choosing what kind of contact she will accept and what she won’t and I would have felt better if she had refused the gift card but accepted a Christmas card! </p>

<p>Why would anyone need to ask permission to send a card to someone? To someone who has no problem spending a gift card and doesn’t say thank you to the gift giver. Sorry but with all due respect to Emeraldkity, this girl is being passive aggressive in a big way. I would send a card saying that I love her and am there for her when and if she ever wants me in her life again but that it is too painful to keep being rejected so the ball is in her court.</p>

<p>And one more thing (now I’m mad!) It sounds like Emerald had a rough time for a long time. The separation, the breakdown, etc. Kids survive. Kids bounce back. None of it was anyone’s fault and even if it was, it’s water under the bridge. None of us are perfect and it requires maturity for a child to recognize that parents are people too with all kinds of flaws and warts. Maybe her D isn’t there yet.<br>
I have a sibling who is in her late 50s who STILL blames all of her problems on my parents. It’s tiresome. And it’s a shame that instead of dealing with her issues and getting some clarity on her own responsibility for her behavior she still uses blame as a crutch. Life os too short.</p>

190

<p>I don’t know if it’s helpful EK or not for those of us who have been on one end or the other to talk about it. I have, at times, stopped communicating with my dad who has bipolar disorder.</p>

191

<p>On the permission thing, I am trying to consider how I would feel if during a period of time when I wasn’t talking to my father he had someone else approach me and say “your dad wants to send you a card is that ok?” part of me wants to cry of course it is, but the other part --the part of the daughter who has time and time again been subject to boundary crossing/abusive language etc from him feels like it’s him once again not respecting my boundaries or sort of “oh, isn’t tempemom, so mean I just want to be a good dad and she just won’t forgive me”…</p>

<p>FOR ME, the difference came when I genuinely believed and time enough passed that he was taking and sticking to his meds and not pushing off blame or in denial. That took time. I share this just to give some insight into the other side. </p>

<p>EK my heart aches for you in this situation. I know it’s so hard for you, and truthfully I expect it’s hard for her too. These are rarely simple, one-sided, fixes.</p>

192

<p>But Tempemom, would you have used a gift card that your dad sent you?</p>

193

<p>EK–just send the card, keep it low-key, just a picture of the new dog maybe. You could even make it a postcard, which is harder to throw away unread.</p>

194

<p>EK, all I can do is send you a big hug.</p>

<p>And I am hoping that karma never bites your daughter…does she think that she would cope with all the stress you coped with perfectly? It’s so easy to criticize how someone else deals with storms in their life when you have done nothing by sail along on smooth seas.</p>

195

<p>

Kids survive? Kids bounce back? Oh, ok. Tell that to numerous kids who are ridden with anxiety, trust issues, mental disorders, etc. because of the trauma their parents put them through. Tell them they’ll bounce back from being in an abusive household/divorce/unhealthy family dynamic. </p>

<p>Another thing that doesn’t sit quite well with me is how you say it “requires maturity for the child to understand…” For a child to have to step up in some adult-sized boots is hard. That is fault number one of that parent for requiring their child to step up and deal with the adult issues. And as a parent, they need to realize that the following actions that come from that child are the results of a child trying to process adult problems. It’s not going to be perfect. It’s not going to be in the best interest of everyone. </p>

<p>Now, Imm talking about a child (up to 18 years old). A 50 year old woman is something different. She has had plenty of time to fill her life with positives so that she doesn’t have to play the blame game.</p>

196

<p>My brother was angry with our father from the time he hit adolescence until … He’s probably still angry. Our dad died in 2001. And truly, nobody has a real clue what the deep seated anger came from or what continued to feed it for 35 years. There was the usual late '60’s/uptight father/protesting teen stuff, and that’s about it.</p>

<p>My own belief is that (in a reasonably normal family situation) a person only gets to blame his parents for his anger and his messy life until around age 25. After that, the problem no longer belongs to the parents. </p>

<p>The OP’s daughter is responsible for her actions and behavior. Period. </p>

<p>My brother declined to attend our father’s funeral. That just about killed our mother. </p>

<p>Kids who hold grudges against parents long into adulthood have problems of their own, and need to seek help to deal with their anger. Generally, “we all do the best that we can at the time. When we know better we do better”. I think Oprah said that, and it is a good philosophy to live by.</p>

197

<p>The iTunes card was used. We don’t know if EK’s D used it or if she gave it to someone else to use because she didn’t want it.</p>

198

<p>EK did you have your husband ask her if you could send her the ITunes card as well as the Christmas card?</p>

199

<p>I just finished the book “The Other Side of Normal”. Fascinating and easy for a lay-person to understand about the brain science behind the spectrum of how our brains work.<br>
One thing they said about memory really hit me. They say that a memory isn’t like a file in our brain that comes up the same each time, it is your memory remembering what it was like the last time you remembered that memory. It isn’t what happened, it’s what we remembered the last time we thought about what happened.
So all those things we remember about our childhood, especially the ones we think about over and over again, become perhaps less what really happened.</p>

<p>I think a lot of that applies to this whole situation…</p>

<p>Anyway, hugs EK!</p>

200

<p>Ive ben busy all day with the dog. H did talk to D, but that was because she was texting him updates on their progress from PDX to LAX to Nashville and he couldnt keep up so he just called her.
:wink:
It was a one sided conversation I think, D was probably excited because it sounds like her BFs sister is having a baby right now. ( it wasnt due till next month)</p>

<p>I wrote all this earlier because, I wanted to explain why I didnt expect H to behave differently.
I am slowly getting more self aware and I am saddened at what I am remembering.
I am not sure if I have ever gotten a good diagnosis, but mental illness runs in my family and while I certainly was not close to the worst mother ever, I also think that the way that D is wired, affects how she intreprets her memories.</p>

<pre><code> " D was the kind of kid that both adults & her peers upon realizing that I was her mother, would squeal and exclaim about how much they loved her.
</code></pre>

<p>( younger daughter’s peers & adults loved her too, but she is the first to admit that she is more challenging)
I was the difficult one. I always said I didn’t learn anything when raising her, because she was too easy. I should have been more aware of what she was holding in.</p>

<p>My father died when I was 17 after struggling with depression for many years. I didn’t really have an idea what “normal” was & my H came from an equally challenging situation, so it was pretty hard trying to figure stuff out by ourselves.</p>

<p>That was years ago though & all I can do it go forward.
I have a fairly good relationship with H, my youngest is very supportive considering how busy she is and I have confidence that someday,older D will want to make up for lost time.
Although I admit that I thought I would have a chance to become closer with my mom, (when I wasn’t so busy), but she died four years ago exactly, before that could happen.</p>

<p>I don’t want D to ever go through the pain of losing someone before they know how you feel, and even if she decided to never see me again, I still think she needs to tell me how that makes her feel.</p>

<p>But right now those feelings are apparently too scary. She may eventually decide to take a look at the scary stuff, or she might decide to put it up in the attic and ignore it like many of us do.
Perhaps now that she will have health insurance, she will find a therapist."</p>

<p>I think it is great that in her BFs family everyone is there to share to welcome the baby.
In my family for example, H & I had her just about 31 & 1/2 yrs ago, but 10 weeks early and even though we both have family in the area and she was the first grandchild, no one was there to wait. ( although my inlaws did drop off Hs camera- but I wouldnt let him take pictures- I was having a section & I was terrified)</p>

<p>My grandparents did come the very next day, but seeing her practically gave my grandpa a stroke. ( she was very ill & needed surgery). It was great to see them become friends after she came home from the hospital and we moved closer to them.
But my inlaws never came once the whole eight weeks she was in the hospital.
Some people are just scared of hospitals I guess.</p>