<p>
</p>
<p>How sad for you and, especially, your H. Hugs.</p>
<p>Update.
We spent Christmas with youngest, H hadnt heard from oldest until yesterday who said she was going to call me.
She called while she was making dinner, & very awkward.
I told her congratulations toward getting a permanent position at her job and on her engagement. ( she is getting married this June, my husband keeps me up to date on the big stuff)
The conversation went fine but uncomfortable, before she hung up I asked if I could call her and she said she would let me know.
I will be seeing her before her wedding, as her dad says she is coming to her sisters graduation.
So a step forward I guess.</p>
<p>That’s a big step forward. It sounds like she feels the need to be in control. I guess if you let her dictate when and how often, you will have some contact.</p>
<p>As someone else pointed out to me today, this is her problem.
No one else has a problem with me, just her.
Its hard to say if this is a warming up, or just not wanting to explain to her in laws why her parents aren’t at her wedding.
Im not going to worry about it, I just want to get through winter!</p>
<p>It’s a big step, and she may need to make the contact for awhile. But that she called is progress. When my D started talking to her dad again, it WAS short and awkward, but it got better over time. They’ve found that short texts just because keep the bond without being stressful, and they talk on the phone a little less often than they used to, but with substance. I hope something like that happens for you.</p>
<p>Great news. I hope you continue to make forward progress. I also hope it’s about rebuilding your relationship and not just the wedding.</p>
<p>EK–I’m sending you some big hugs. Sometimes the start up of a little bit of contact can be almost more stressful than the complete lack of it …for now, don’t push it, don’t push things…she is beginning to come around, but she needs to do it her own way and at her own pace. But in the end–I think you will end up in a good place.</p>
<p>Best wishes for the continued recovery of your relationship with your very dear daughter. </p>
<p>Baby steps. Baby steps are still good.</p>
<p>For all I am going through, I think I need to find a way to borrow Michelle Obamas arms for the ceremony!
That would be one less thing to think about.
;)</p>
<p>EK- so sorry about this confusing and sad situation.</p>
<p>A thought: My DH has never cut off his parents, but sometimes I think his life would have been better if he had done so, at least for a while. He is one of those guys who will/can never please his parents. Nothing is ever enough, good enough, their way, etc.</p>
<p>He has one disabled parent and one lifetime step parent who bends over to make sure everything is fair between DH & previously dis-owned step sibling. Yet, that step parent also continually chooses his bio kid over his step kid, though all of DH’s life that bio kid was “no good” and “not our family.”</p>
<p>DH would have been better off with a break and then coming back on his own terms. To this day he wants to please and help his parents, but to this day a phone call or email causes a physical reaction and pretty much ruins the day emotionally :(</p>
<p>Maybe your DD needs to break away from some family scripts and come back to things in a while with a fresh perspective. The step sibling that was on the outs for 10+ years does not seem to be bothered as much by the inability to please, perhaps because they had the chance to do the things they wanted to do instead of being the “good child”</p>
<p>I don’t know your scenario, I don’t know your DD’s thoughts or how you really were as a Mom and how she saw you through her filters. You might have been ok and yet not a great match for her issues. Whilst you try to work this out, try, too, to consider that she needs this time and when she comes back it well be better than ever.</p>
<p>It is tough to know if you should give her the space she wants or if she secretly wants you to give her attention!</p>
<p>I have allowed her to determine amount of contact for almost ten years. (I would call periodically and send care packages and try and set up visits, but she was usually too busy to do anything)
She still contacts her father, but tells me she only wants to communicate by email and only on the sort of subjects that you might discuss with a stranger on a bus. ( my words) and not more than once a month apparently.</p>
<p>Her wedding is in 4 months and I do not feel comfortable attending unless she wants me there.
I don’t see that happening.</p>
<p>I had hoped she would get counseling & offered to pay for it, but anything I suggest is a no.</p>
<p>I was a young mom and made a lot of mistakes, I imagine, as anyone one would considering vacations & time off wasn’t on the schedule.9</p>
<p>It’s puzzling, in cleaning my desk I’m finding postcards she sent me in high school about how I was her role model and how I taught her to have an open mind, to be loyal and live what you believe.</p>
<p>How sad it would be not to go to your daughter’s wedding. </p>
<p>My mother didn’t come to mine. </p>
<p>I think my case is different from your daughter’s, however. My mom was mentally ill, and I was raised by my grandparents. By mentally ill, I mean, she caused scenes, and her behavior was unpredictable. She was violent sometimes. She was very unhappy. She had attempted suicide more than once. And, though I didn’t know it at the time, she was also an alcoholic. One of the kind that acts up when drinking. So, nobody wanted her there. My grandmother (paternal), who raised me, was afraid of what would happen if she showed up. She was worried about the effect it might have on my dad. The pain it might cause him. It also would have been quite a distance for her to travel, and expensive. She died a couple of years ago, and I feel sad thinking that I didn’t want her there, but that is how it was. I couldn’t have handled the drama back then. I’m not sure I could handle it now. Later on, she wanted to connect, to be close, but I kept her at a distance. It was self preservation. It was only a little while before she died, a couple of years ago, that talking to her stopped causing me extreme anxiety. I’m glad for that, at least. That we got to that point before she died. My half brother cut off all contact with her about five years before her death. She was extreme.</p>
<p>Having said that, if you aren’t seriously mentally ill, and not the sort to cause a scene, you should go. My opinion. That is, if you think your daughter can handle you being there. Don’t expect anything. Don’t ask for anything. She is your baby. You should go, if you are able to, emotionally. She probably isn’t going to say she wants you there, for whatever reason, but it may be one of those things – she may, in the future, resent that you couldn’t take the trouble to show up for such an important event. That’s what life is, sometimes. Showing up. Even in uncomfortable situations. I regret the times that I did not <em>show up</em>.</p>
<p>Maybe you should e-mail her (run the e-mail by a couple of sets of eyes to be sure it is what you want to convey), and tell her how happy you are for her, and how much you want to be there, and that you will plan to come. And that you don’t expect anything from her, you are just coming to be there and support her. And then-- unless she explicitly tells you not to come-- go to your daughter’s wedding. </p>
<p>Interesting about the strangers on the bus – I have had some strangers on the bus open up to me more than they ever would with someone they knew, I think. It is almost confessional, I guess, telling all your woes to a stranger. It has happened several times to me. I personally don’t open up to strangers like that, but I have had people I don’t know, and will never see again, share amazingly personal things with me. </p>
<p>My 2 cents. Do what your heart tells you to do. Figure out what the loving thing to do is and do it. And check your ego at the door.</p>
<p>Will try to summarize this story, but this past fall DH & I went to the wedding of my cousin’s son. My cousin and her son’s dad were divorced and dad was remarried. We were the ONLY ones from our side of the family to attend. But it meant a lot to the groom and his sister (my cousin’s kids). My cousin and her kids have been through a lot and she chose not to attend. She gave me all sorts of grief for choosing to go and tried to guilt me out of it. Well, I send her real-time photos as the event was occurring, put her on the phone with her ex’s relatives that she really missed, and answered all her questions about what songs were being played, etc. She should have been there. The mother/son dance was a brother/sister dance instead. She wouldnt admit it, but she clearly regretted not being there.</p>
<p>If it will not anger/upset your dau (the bride) then go. Be low key, charming and supportive. But go.</p>
<p>I agree with the above posters. </p>
<p>* I personally don’t open up to strangers like that, but I have had people I don’t know, and will never see again, share amazingly personal things with me.*
Ack! 
Headphones are a good defense.</p>
<p>My concern is that* I am mentally ill.
I dont think I have ever been accurately diagnosed, but I have elements of borderline personality disorder in that I dont have much of a filter, I feel things * very strongly, and when I am in the middle of an emotion, I don’t think I will ever feel any other way. ( including suicidal, one of the things I’m being criticized for was being hospitalized twice- which was voluntary & preventative)
Ive gotten * much better * at self control, but feels still take me by surprise.</p>
<p>I worry it will be too much for me to be there and for it to be evident to not only myself and my husband, but to everyone else that she doesnt want me there.</p>
<p>I also worry that it will bring back memories of my own reception which was awful,
( our anniversary, will be the week before Ds wedding)
I had been 4 mo pregnant by the time of our wedding, but had cramping all through the ceremony which continued to get worse afterwards. ( I miscarried 3 days later)
I had to listen to my mil & her sister tell me during the reception that being pregnant didnt hurt & I was making a big deal out of nothing. ( The " big deal" apparently was, I grimaced during a contraction when I was talking to them)
Then my H wouldnt leave until the end because he & his dad were getting drunk on the side porch.
That night I didnt sleep not because of sexy times, but because I was miscarrying although the dr said there wasnt anything they could do, nor anything they could give me for the pain.</p>
<p>So I worry that Ds reception will just bring all that up again, especially since my inlaws will be there, but no one from my side of the family, except my H & my other daughter will be.</p>
<p>I know enough to stay away from alcohol, but maybe I could get some novacaine?</p>
<p>EK do you have a therapist that you see that has an opinion on this?
One of my primary concerns is whether YOU have a support system there is things seem to be going poorly. </p>
<p>/confession I think everyone should have a therapist</p>
<p>I think you should go. Be very quiet and nonobtrusive. Stay for the ceremony and maybe the start of the reception or dinner or party, then leave. </p>
<p>Can your husband help you behave appropriately? Like change the subject or steer you away if things get out of hand? Could a close friend?I wonder if a friend could step in and take you away early in the reception period. Or could your husband take you away and then return himself? </p>
<p>I would let your daughter know that you love her and want to be there. And if you think it makes it better, also let her know that you are only going to stay for the ceremony.</p>
<p>One of my primary concerns is whether YOU have a support system there is things seem to be going poorly.</p>
<p>Thats very sweet of you, I know I need to find one, but Ive developed a phone phobia.
I had a psychiatrist, but I stopped seeing him before I had surgery last year and since he was kind of snarky anyway, I havent restarted.
H & I had been seeing a therapist together for 4-5 months, to talk about the estrangement, but I wasnt very clear about how I thought our sessions should go & H & therapist spent the time chatting about old Seattle.
I know I need to get help, I just feel stuck.
I may just go back to the therapist H liked, cause I feel its important for him to go too since he can give a perspective I can’t.</p>
<p>I dont know if the actual wedding is going to be there, the way she described it, it didnt sound like it.
I did just send an email to ask where the ceremony was going to be and if she wanted her dad & I to attend, as she has only shared info about the party. ( she isnt referring to it as a reception, for all I know she is already married)</p>
<p>Im sure I will feel better by the spring, younger D is terrifically supportive of me, which I am trying to enjoy. </p>
<p>You may/probably need your own therapist in addition to one for your marriage. They serve different purposes. The “client” in marriage therapy is the relationship between you and H…NOT you or H. But, you can ask the person you have for the marriage counseling for a referral. Don’t be tied to your H in order to proceed with your own therapy. Best.</p>
<p>No, it wasnt for marriage counseling, I was originally seeing the counselor by myself to help me with the estrangement. ( weve been married almost 33 yrs, weve had a LOT of counseling together, but not for a long time)
However, when it wasnt being as helpful as I would have liked, I asked my husband to come, because I wanted another view than my own of my behavior.
That was a little more helpful, but they kept getting sidetracked.</p>