<p>Well I got H to come to the therapist with me,& while he & the counselor have a better rapport than I do-( they talked about hydroplanes for 15 minutes) I may stick with him for right now as he ( the counselor) apparently received an email from D.</p>
<p>I do have a question for you guys, though.
(When earlier this year, I was trying to understand why D was so upset with me, she relayed an incident in which D accused me of calling her a very bad name.( Rhymes with butt - I dont use that word and always got on any kids if they used it)
The incident occurred about a year or two after her graduation from college when we were on our annual christmas family vacation.
I no longer remember very much about the incident, but it didn’t ring true that I called her that.
In therapy, I brought that up as a reason why I was concerned about her mental health & H told me that he remembered me telling him about the incident at the time ( he hadn’t said anything until then)
What H said to my surprise, was that at the time: D misunderstood and thought I was calling her a name- and when I told him about it, I was very frustrated that she didn’t understand what I meant and was made more upset instead of being calmed down. He also remembers that he agreed with me ( at the time) that she misunderstood.</p>
<p>Now that this incident seems to be a major factor ( at least the way she is citing examples) in why she is refusing to communicate with me in any way, is there any way, I could have her dad bring it up as an example of the miscommunication?</p>
Knowing what he now knows, Dad should be all about clearing things up with your daughter. She is hurt and upset based on something that didn’t happen and deserves peace as much as you do. I think he should call her immediately. A genuine misunderstanding should not be allowed to fester and cause harm to a precious relationship. Life is very short and this should be rectified immediately.</p>
<p>I have to tell you that what you described happened to me all the time with one of my Ds at the same age. She took so many things I said the wrong way; as if they were directed at her or critical of her (when they were not at all), and she would storm out of the room and slam the door. I described it as “walking on eggshells,” when I was around her.</p>
<p>The difference in my case was that she always seemed to get over it; often apologizing to me, and me apologizing for making her feel bad when that was not my intent.</p>
<p>I agree with zoosermom that you should try to deal with this misunderstanding as soon as possible in some way. Even if it doesn’t help the relationship, it doesn’t seem like it would hurt; and it will help clear your mind of it.</p>
<p>I’m going to agree that if your H wants to try to bring it up in a (“hey I hope you still aren’t holding that misunderstandnig against mom” way) then that is fine. </p>
<p>I don’t thing YOU should do anything. It may well come off like “daughter, you are wrong. Everyone else remembers it differently. You are exageratting/making it up/hallucinating…now admit you were wrong.”</p>
<p>I’m not sure I have this straight and I may be a little confused. You said something on your family vacation that D considered name calling, but she misheard since this is a word you would never use. H was not there as an eyewitness to this incident (or was he?) but heard about it from you in real time. H knew that both of you were upset and agreed with you that D misunderstood. </p>
<p>Two questions. If he wasn’t there, why would D necessarily believe him? If he was there, why didn’t he do or say something at the time? </p>
<p>Also, is it possible that it was not just the initial event,but also the <em>way</em> you reacted in frustration (and “made more upset”) that upset D? Maybe she’s the type that can’t handle emotional drama of any kind.</p>
<p>Roshke
You understand it correctly. I did use the word, but not in relation to her- but in making a possibly related point? Since I don’t remember, I cant say for sure.
He wasn’t there, but he does remember me being upset about it.
Why he didn’t do anything about it at the time, would be- it isn’t his style.
He would consider that that " was between us", even if she had been younger, he would have thought that. Being that she had graduated college, he sees her as " grown" and not in need of any guidance.</p>
<p>Even now, knowing that it seems to be a major factor in the estrangement ( or at least one of), it hasn’t seemed to occur to him to,set the record straight as it were.
If he * did however* I do think she would listen to him, just because he did not typically come to my defense, rather the other way around when they were growing up. He wanted to be the favored parent & I was the bad cop.</p>
<p>I am going to try and bring it up in counseling, because H wants the counselor to think well of him, so he is liable to consider doing things he wouldn’t if I brought it up in private.
I also am really trying to understand how other people think, so I need an intermediary with H.</p>
<p>I imagine he just didnt want to get involved. The days were made up of for him getting ready to go to work or coming home from work, or on the few days that he had off, recovering from work.
So he didn’t want anything to mar that, including getting in the middle of a verbal altercation between two emotional women.</p>
<p>Of course your H needs to say something to your D if he thinks she misunderstood and he knows how and why it could have happened! It’s unconscionable that he let this go on as long as he did if there was something he could have said to clear up a miscommunication between you. The fact that you are all adults has nothing to do with any of this.</p>
<p>I am inclined to agree with Tempemom. It’s going to come off as everyone telling your D that she’s wrong-again/still. </p>
<p>But two other things stand out for me: 1)I’m baffled as to why you continue to let your H not support you and even undermine you, not just now, but apparently for many years. Honestly, your D’s issues with you pale in comparison to a decades-long struggle to even being heard by your own spouse. THAT should be part of your on-going therapy.</p>
<p>2)You say you don’t remember much about the incident, but you DO remember using the word (I’m obviously dense, I can’t figure out what rhymes with butt, but whatever it was). Perhaps the way your D heard it was less of a misunderstanding than a reaction to you using a “forbidden” word so dramatically that it DID come off as harmful to her. I’m reminded of a famous situation in a Seattle school where a white teacher used the N word to make a point to a couple of black students. He, and they, agreed that he did not CALL them by that term, but they still felt that it was insulting and painful to hear. </p>
<p>Perhaps between your inability to remember the incident correctly coupled with your admitted issues with communication due to your Aspie status, your D has every right to be insulted and you are the one missing something key about that time. And maybe being around you again at Christmas just brought it all back to your D. Worth investigating, imo.</p>
<p>The thing is, that D may still feel this way even if dad intervenes. In all likelihood, it is NOT merely the “name” incident in D’s mind–D may have an internal list of “wrongs”–(heck I even have that against my mom and she is 70! lol) </p>
<p>And dad/H may be reluctant to get involved/inbetwixt for that very reason.</p>
<p>If it were me, I’d take the hit and be the martyr-mother. It would be worth it to me to mend the relationship.</p>
<p>Bring it up as something that has been bothering you for a long time, say you know you said something that was offensive to her and you handled it poorly. Apologize and say you never meant it to be about her in the way that it sounded; that you’ve never thought that about her; that you’ve always loved her and thought highly of her and still do, and will she please forgive you.</p>
<p>If she raised the incident years after it occurred, then clearly it has been on her mind. She was probably looking for you to apologize rather than deny it.</p>
<p>There is really only one good way to respond to an accusation and that is to say, “I am so very sorry that you have been hurt” and “I truly never meant to hurt you and if you heard me say this to you I am so sorry”.
The explanation cannot be heard until the feelings are verified and honored. There are ways to do this without saying that the memories are correct.</p>
<p>Unfortunately right now I cant contact her at all, until she contacts me. Which is unlikely to be soon or perhaps ever going by her last communication to me in which she said she was unsure if she could ever resume a relationship with me.</p>
<p>When she initially told me earlier this year( by email & text when I was asking her why she seemed to be so angry/upset at me at Christmas/ever) about the name calling incident, all I could say is that I couldnt imagine ever hurting her in that way, and if I did, I was very sorry and I did not intend to.
I have the feeling she wants me to apologize for certain things, but if I don’t remember them on my own then I am not truly contrite.( to her)</p>
<p>I realize it is a no win situation for me and since her BF is under tremendous pressure ( he was given more time to rework his grad school project- but it still isnt working), I don’t imagine he has energy to help her mend her family conflicts.</p>
<p>She advised me to " keep working on myself".
Which I admit pushed all my buttons, because i have probably been in therapy or/& on psychotropic medication at least half of the time ever since my parents enrolled me in a study at the UW when I was 9.
You can only beat yourself up so much for your mistakes, at some point you need to accept that mistakes will be made & keep moving forward anyway.
& meds actually made me feel worse to the point that I would stop taking them cold turkey & have a rebound effect.
Not something I would recommend, but psychiatrists need to listen to patients when they tell them that the side effects are worse than the symptoms.</p>
<p>If you are now seeing a therapist, that’s the person who can best advise you. You’ll be giving him/her more context than you can give here, plus answering his/her questions. Let the therapist guide you.</p>
<p>I’ve got one of these incidents, too. Families can be complicated. Best wishes.</p>
<p>ps. Just for the record- yes, in your shoes, I would have wished DH had helped, but spouses don’t always think the same way we do.</p>
<p>This is VERY important. It’s possible that you’ve been “sucking it up” for so long with your husband that your daughter thinks that’s how you deserve to be treated.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>But his wife and his daughter are misunderstanding each other. All he needs to do is say something – a sentence or two. He let you take the heat from your daughter. Why?</p>
<p>H grew up in an alcoholic family.
As far as I can tell, it is common in those families for members to not want to rock the boat.
At all.
Everyone tiptoes around the elephant in the room & does not want to cause trouble even if that means watching someone else ( who doesn’t deserve it) take the heat, if it means the wrath will be expended before it gets to them.
Its hard to get away from our birth families.</p>
<p>EK-I say this gently-you’ve spent most of this thread excusing your H’s behavior and you need to work on that. You’ve mentioned in this and other threads various things that to some of us outside your marriage see as red flags-his past physical abuse, his abuse of alcohol, his denying that you’re in any kind of pain, his refusal to help when you were recovering from surgery (looking for the lost book) and more.</p>
<p>This is more than his unwillingness to rock the boat, in fact HE is rocking the boat, HARD, to try and get you to fall out. But you don’t see it. And it appears that he’s taught both of your daughter’s to deal with you the same way. I see the pain you’re in in every post-I wish you could see how much he is sabotaging you.</p>