<p>It’s possible that those “if” statements have done or will do nothing to reduce D’s anger. For example, I’m sorry “if” you think I said those things is not going to help if she believes you are trying to avoid taking responsibility and that your memory gap is a fiction.</p>
<p>I like Bay’s wording because it loses the “if” language, is remorseful and makes no excuses. By your own admission, you lost your cool and used some strong language. She may want an unconditional, no excuses apology. </p>
<p>If this is really one big misunderstanding, however, for example she misheard something or doesn’t understand the meaning of a certain phrase in a certain context, then it’s a real shame that your H has been so passive and unwilling to get involved. </p>
<p>In light of the way H communicates, or rather does not, is it possible that D outlined her grievances to H long ago, and true to form he never passed them on to you because it’s “not his style?” I agree with sseamom that the role your H plays in all this does not sound productive and that family or couples counseling may be need to be an important part of this process.</p>
<p>EK I wish I could do something to help you, but please know how glad I am that you allow your friends here to support you. It is an honor to do so.</p>
<p>I am reading the situation in the same way as sseamom. Coming from the position of someone whose husband has always been the same way until we got help for it. I believe that a spouse always takes the side of his spouse and always does whatever is in his power to help his spouse in time of trouble. It does seem like your husband is rocking the boat so you will fall out. He is just doing it sneakily in the dark. I am sure he is the greatest guy in the world but I would like to chase him down with a pitchfork because staying out of this situation is aggressive cowardice. He clearly is in a position to help and chooses not to. By not helping you, he is actively working against you. Hopefully the therapist will help him see that and he will learn that you are first among equals. I hate to say this, but it almost seems like he intentionally keeps you in the position of outsider in your family because on some level it works for him. At the very least he has assumed the role of the good guy in your family while reinforcing,the image of you as the bad guy. I wish you peace because you certainly deserve it.</p>
<p>First off Emeraldkity4, Meditation takes time. If you are willing and truly want to change to become a better parent then you will take this time to meditate. I understand that you do not work, so Im sure you must have ample time to practice mediation skills.</p>
<p>Also I realize that you are from Seattle but being passive aggressive does not solve problems. So removing your eldest from your investment accounts is perhaps the worst parenting move you could make in a childs adult life. </p>
<p>To me it seems like youre making excuses. You are using your Aspergers as an excuse to be continuing on living your life without attempting to better yourself in the slightest. Millions of Americans live with Aspergers yet I bet you most of them do not blame their disorder for their shortcomings. They have learned to utilize it as strength, now for whatever reasons you have failed to do this. But maybe take a second to look at inspiring stories of others with autism going above and beyond their dream. [Lance’s</a> Brewery Tour - Beer. Autism. Hope.](<a href=“http://lancesbrewerytour.com/]Lance’s”>http://lancesbrewerytour.com/)
By simply saying oh I am an aspie thats why Im a horrible parent you are discounting the millions of others people living and thriving with Asperbers. Check your privilege girl, because all it seems to me is that youre making excuses</p>
<p>Thanks for your insight urban.
Ive also come to the same conclusion, so I am researching how I can best give my children closure.
Any suggestions?</p>
<p>I’m flattered that you’ve been a member of CC since 2008 and my pathetic thread inspired you to make your first post.
However when replying to someone that is obviously in pain you should consider that there is a real person on the other side of the screen and your harsh words may be the push over the edge.</p>
<p>But in case you are wondering since you apparently didnt read my earlier posts on the subject, I did not remove my eldest from my heirs.</p>
<p>Ek…so sorry for your pain. I like others, am also wondering whats up with your H. I can’t imagine my H letting one of our children treat me badly. It seems you’ve extended the olive branch and for whatever reason your D is refusing to accept it. H needs to get busy helping to patch this up. If she refuses to work on things with you, or at least be civil ( meaning she can’t say things like I never want to speak to you again), H needs to let her be as well. He needs to send the message that he disapproves of her coping method.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like you’re trying to work on yourself. That’s all you can do at this point.</p>
<p>Hi EK–you know I’ve been around forever and our eldest daughters know each other. So please: 1) remember that the only person whose behavior you can change is your own. 2) Read Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog.</p>
<p>Yes, Pryor is writing about dog training, BUT… it’s also about how to change the behavior of any animal with a brain stem, including yourself, by using positive, reward-based methods. During a period when my daughter and I were doing nothing but fight, I used Pryor’s method on both of us: I greeted her, every time I saw her, with a hug and “I love you, how nice to see you.” I bit my tongue when I wanted to yell at her. I ended each visit with another hug, “thank you for coming,” and a $20 bill. It made a huge difference. Yeah, maybe she was only seeing me for the money for a little while there, but… she did continue seeing me, and after a while we worked things out.</p>
<p>TempeMom: my kids still laugh about my $20 bill habit. I almost always have a $20 bill in my pocket, and I still hand them to the kids from time to time. They are now 26 and 28. They make more money than I do at their jobs. I still like to reward them when they do something nice… And sometimes it’s just “thank you!” and sometimes (rarely) it’s a $20 bill.</p>
<p>EK, I just read through your thread and I really do want to send you a big ol hug because you deserve one! So here it is ((((((((((((((BIG OL HUG)))))))))))))))))).</p>
<p>Look, we all do our best. That’s all we have and it’s going to have to do. None of us is perfect, none of us got the perfect upbringing nor will our kids nor their kids. So quit beating yourself up. You have tried the best you can to resolve this, you have apologized for “EVERYTHING” , and you have done nothing but love your family. And if you are tooooooo loving… well…they can get over that too. Too bad.</p>
<p>Your daughter will have to get over whatever the hell is going on with her by herself. You do not have the power or the ability to fix this. She will not give that to you. It is purely up to her.</p>
<p>Pour your love and heart into your husband and other daughter for now. Everytime you start thinking about D1 just catch yourself and say “I don’t have the power to fix this” and move on to something else. </p>
<p>Getting knee replacements is scary, painfull and anxiety producing for the healthiest person. Throw in your other ailments and recovery and you have one big life event right there to deal with. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, pamper yourself because you should.</p>
<p>If we all think back I am sure we know that there were times we were jerks to our parents. I know I was. My mom was gone before I had a chance to apologize for being such a jerk sometimes. But I know she would understand. </p>
<p>She was, after all, my mom… and moms forgive all…</p>
<p>About 20 dollar bills–my kids call them “Daddy dollars”. My H was always good at rewards, special treats for special occasions, pay for unexpected work… I claim my own share! (fair is fair!)</p>
<p>Cleaning the house is not a hobby (whether it’s productive at all is another bone of contention).</p>
<p>Update: I haven’t contacted D and without my prompting, her dad has stopped contacting her as well.
However, as a result D has increased the amount she contacts him, recently calling him both before & after a recent trip to visit her boyfriends parents.
( which in itself adds insult to injury. She has time to fly 2500 miles to see her BFs family, twice a year for about the last 5 or 6 years, but not to come 180 miles to see her own, or to seek out a therapist to talk to about it)</p>
<p>I really feel I am hanging on by a thread, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
:(</p>
<p>Hang in there EK. The fact that she increased her attempts at contacts with you H after his backing off is good, IMO. I’m guessing. It may just take her longr to get to that point with you. </p>
<p>Stay strong. You’re doing the right thing and you are a good mom. Sometimes the most loving thing is the hardest thing.</p>
<p>EK - I think it is a positive development that your daughter is contacting your hubby. Maybe you could just dwell on the positive today and try not to think of the negative. But I don’t think that you should clean your house as a “hobby”. Good Lord!</p>
<p>So painful, EK. Hang onto the hopeful signs of the contact initiated by your daughter. Many relationships have this pursuer-distancer dynamic and when the usual pursuer/s hold back, it leaves space for the distancer to come forward. Driving the bus seems important to your daughter now. The double hurt of feeling personally de-valued and worried for your adult kid’s failure to address their own issues is one of life’s most difficult challenges. To some degree, many of us face this. I focus on the reality of what I can and cannot control, trying to feel liberated by my lack of power at times. Sorry you are enduring this.</p>
Good Lord!</p>