<p>* But I don’t think that you should clean your house as a “hobby”*</p>
<p>Perhaps my mother in law is on Cc?
;)</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else-this is a positive thing, actually TWO. One, I see it as your H FINALLY backing YOU up, and two, that your D is seeing what it REALLY means to cut off contact-and misses that. She will probably continue to seek out your H first, but I think she may come around as far as you’re concerned.</p>
<p>My own D and her father have taken baby steps to communicating again. It will be a long time, maybe a few years, before they are close again, but I think they’ll get there. But my D had to make the first contact-my ex stepped back and let her choose the timeline.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re so stressed. It’s very hard to deal with this.</p>
<p>EK, hugs and sympathy. I appreciate your honesty. </p>
<p>Hobbies are supposed to elevate the soul. Sometimes a clean house does that for me, but something where you’d have some good interpersonal contact and appreciation might be more helpful. </p>
<p>As I have gone through a similar rejection from a family member far away, I know how crushing that sort of rejection can be-and my rejecting family member is across a very large ocean! It has affected my day to day emotional reality in a major way, and climbing back up to decent self esteem has been a hard battle. </p>
<p>DMD, I LOVE Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot the Dog. Her methods are so sensible. </p>
<p>Glad you have stopped initiating contact, and hope you are making your day to day life as rewarding as possible. We all need to let go of our kids to varying degrees, and your D has made that a far harder task than you need.</p>
<p>I dont see H as changing his response, its more that I have stopped badgering him to contact D.
H doesnt make phone calls without a real pressing need to do so.
I had been pushing him to call D every couple weeks or so, because it was a way for me to have contact through him.
Its true he didnt go out of his way to influence her thinking, not like I would have if the situation were reversed.
But since I have stopped reminding him, even pleading with him to call her, he just doesn’t think of it.</p>
<p>I cant even get him to call his parents to set up a time when we can see them with our youngest as she has requested. ( we all have difficulty with phone conversations I guess) His parents are both in their early '80’s, but they wont be around forever. ( my parents have been gone for 4yrs/38yrs).
I would call his parents to set something up but Im afraid the shock might give them a stroke!</p>
<p>I did get a wonderful 1yrold boxer mix, prompted by youngest & he keeps me very busy.
Very busy.</p>
<p>Two good newses! Another who thinks HER reaching out is progress. Plus PUPPY LOVE!!</p>
<p>Congratulations on puppy. I’ve heard puppies bring oxytocin to the home. EK you are a good person and you work very hard showing your love to your family.</p>
<p>Its been 20 years since we had a one yr old dog.
We took him to the dog park yesterday for the first time.
He did very well, and had a great time stealing everybodys balls so they would chase him.
Its very entertaining. Our last pup was a lab & she spent her time at the park finding people to throw the ball for her. This guy is more interested in doing laps & finding other dogs to run with him.
Adding a dog after three years has been very good for both H and me.
Thanks for all the support, it really does help more than you know.
:)</p>
<p>Enjoy the pup. That’s a fun place to put your energy. I am very happy for you and appreciate all of your CC contributions. </p>
<p>Thanks for the dog update.</p>
<p>Glad to hear you are having fun with the dog!</p>
<p>Dogs will make us feel better every single time.</p>
<p>Except when it’s 80 degrees at night with a 73 percent dew point and they are curled up against you on the couch. :)</p>
<p>^^^^augh!</p>
<p>My dog likes my H better because they go for walks much longer than I can do just yet.
My oldest called H again tonight he told me when I got back from doing errands. It sounds like they had a very nice chat, but do you think it is selfish of me to ask H not to tell me when she calls?
its very hard to hear about-& I don’t mean just to smile & nod, but after he told me I went out to my car & just sobbed. ( which is still therapeutic, but exhausting!)</p>
<p>But in other news, i have gotten to see my youngest quite a bit lately, and next weekend she & her bf are going to go camping with h & I.
It should be great fun, we are going to Deception Pass on Whidbey Island.
When H & I were young, we always opened & closed the season with a trip to Deception Pass. It not only has salt water, but a shallow lake that used to have tiny fish in the swimming area.
[Deception</a> Pass Headlands - Rosario Head - Lighthouse Point ? Washington Trails Association](<a href=“http://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/deception-pass-headlands]Deception”>Deception Pass State Park - Headlands / Rosario Head / Lighthouse Point — Washington Trails Association)
Im going to start taking the pet for hillier walks so I can get a little hiking done when I go.
( not to compete with that other thread though)
;)</p>
<p>If it made me weep as it obviously does for you, I would ask my H definitely NOT to tell me when he had a chat with someone who refuses to have contact with me. It is cruel to hurt you and periodically reopen the hurt.</p>
<p>I agree. I would ask to be on a “need to know basis”.</p>
<p>My heart is breaking as I read this. I know how hard it can be to be excluded. And if nothing you can think of triggered it, well, that is just. hard. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. And don’t become bitter. Does your H know that you were out in the car sobbing? Is he able to give you any comfort in this difficult situation?</p>
<p>I’m trying not to be harsh on your DH. I just know down to my soul my husband would NOT allow my D to treat me this way and go happily about having his warm and wonderful relationship with her. I don’t know exactly how he would handle it, but he and I have always presented a united front to our kids, no matter how we might disagree in private, and I don’t think this would be any different.</p>
<p>It just seems as though your DH almost delights in the fact that he gets DD all to himself. I feel this is really unfair to you. </p>
<p>I don’t blame you at all for feeling sick inside, yet as others have wisely pointed out, you can’t control the situation. I think it’s really unfortunate that your daughter is unwilling to go to joint therapy with you, her MOTHER. </p>
<p>I’m glad you have a puppy to focus on. I took my dog to the dog park several times, and he wouldn’t interact. It was almost embarrassing for some reason. :0</p>
<p>Since H is my liaison to my D, yet he abhores talking on the phone ( hearing loss), I had until a month or so ago, been constantly badgering him to call her, so I could hear through him how she was doing.
After I stopped pressuring him to call her, he stopped doing so,which I expected.
However, that is when she began to call him, and has made three or so phone calls in the past couple months.
When he told me of the conversation recently, it upset me, even though I had requested previous conversations, which I didn’t expect.
As I mentioned above, its probably the juxtaposition of my closeness with my younger daughter, to the estrangement with her sister that contributed to my becoming so upset.
It took me by surprise, but H is very supportive of me, and it pains him deeply to see me in pain. He just wants to please me as much as he can, which I admit is a moving target.
:o
However, eventually I am hoping that these menopausal periods flatten out, for everybodys sake.
At least I don’t have ailing parents I need to care for, and I am expecting a slot to open up in a dBT groups soon.</p>
<p>Some dogs don’t interact much or it might take them a while to warm up.
And each park has a different combination of dogs who go there, I like the one that is more open, so I can see what he is doing. I also try to go at a different time than the dogwalkers, because too many dogs can be overwhelming.</p>
<p>Our lab was all about the balls. While she had friends in our neighborhood ( another dog that she played with), when she was at the park, she only wanted to find people to throw the ball for her.Preferably new to her people, who hadn’t had a chance to see how charming she was.
( or be stuck throwing the ball for hours)</p>
<p>This one wants to steal the balls of other dogs, so that they will chase him.
He also discovered that next door is a bull terrier who will play keep away even though her yard is smaller than ours. ( ours is only partially fenced & the way it is landscaped, there is only one big area to tear around in)
When I let him out in the morning before our walk, he tries to sneak over there.
Luckily he is very good & all I have to do is squeak his toy & he comes back.</p>
<p>Ah, yes, menopause! Makes everything 10x worse. Except only for some of us. 
Take extra good care of yourself. And I’m glad to hear that your husband wants to make you happy. Just kind of impossible in this situation, I guess.</p>
<p>Ah the holidays.
I finally realized my H is a coward. Not physically, but when I mentioned ( for the 3rd time)it might be to everyone’s benefit if he clarified to the oldest that he remembers one of the incidents she is upset about differently than she does, he got a pained look on his face & muttered " he’d try".</p>
<p>In a month we are going to be half a mile from her house, I sure would like to know if we might be seeing her, for a lot of reasons.
It doesn’t feel like an open wound anymore, but numb. I’m starting not to care & to me that is even sadder.</p>
<p>I’m a bit unclear, so forgive me. You mentioned upthread that husband had been verbally / physically abusive and daughter remembers this. I’m not one to judge the state of someone’s marriage or what people “should” and shouldn’t do in these situations, but have you and your husband made peace with the previous abuse to your satisfaction? If so, does your daughter know this?</p>