One thing we wanted our kids to know at college is the services that are at their disposal. We told both of them if life /school gets to hard then please reach out for these services. If you want to share with us that would be great but you don’t have to. Of course you can reach out to us at anytime.
I know a few kids in this type of situation (family with drug abuse) and the posters daughter can get dragged down very quickly. Kids don’t see past tomorrow. The best thing for this family is that she is going to college and being separated from the situation. The counseling is suggested since the separation can be harder then what you assume it is. It was just a suggestion.
Also as an aside… When your kids call and rant or complain about college, not making friends. Missing the boyfriend… Just listen! Suggest the departments at school that can help them. Print out a department list so you can reference. Kids actually do look to their parents for guidance. They just won’t admit it. It has been surprising when we got the “panic” call, and we suggested something… We would get a call back a few days later and tell us how they solved the issue. They used the resource we suggested but it was like their idea… Ha…
I dated the same guy from freshman year of high school through sophomore year of college. He dropped me off at school and I spent way more time with him than I should have during that first year and yes, it hindered friendships.
But, eventually even that longterm relationship didn’t survive the distance and we broke it off. I began dating someone who I’m now married to and we both have very close friends from college- one of whom even lives with us at the moment.
Honestly, give it time. The adjustment period is rough for most people. Let her try to figure things out.
While you may want to talk with your daughter about ways to adjust to college I’d caution you about being too heavy handed. @Knowsstuff’s suggestions are well meaning but if I tried most of them with my kids they’d have an extremely negative reaction. They’d hear them as “You’re making me talk to social services-Why? To narc on my BF and his mother? You’re making me join a club you don’t know anything about, putting me in therapy, and telling the RA (in most cases a fellow student) I’m a friendless loser before I even have a chance to get to know people? Great. Obviously you have a high opinion of me.”
At 17 I was dating a boy my mother couldn’t stand. Looking back I can see why. He was a nice guy but a loser with no ambition. The best thing my mother could ever have done was to hold her tongue. She didn’t criticize him, as hard as it was. When I finally broke up with him my relationship with my mother was intact. I never felt like I had to choose between my mother and my boyfriend. Furthermore I got the satisfaction and self-esteem bump from breaking up with him instead of feeling like I was giving in to what someone else wanted me to do.
If your daughter has self-esteem issues that’s a bigger problem than this one particular boyfriend. My advice would be to talk with her like an adult. She’ll be off at school so she can break your rules without you knowing it but if you can help her to see the advantages of getting to know a wide circle of people in the first few weeks of school she can make her own good decisions. Making herself aware of the services available to her at college is a good idea, as it is for all students.
Of course all of this advice should be thrown out the window if you think the boyfriend’s dangerous. At the first sign of domestic abuse or heavy drugs I’d yank the rug out from under their relationship so fast they’d both end up with concussions.
For the people who are still married their HS BF/GF, you would have gotten married if you had gone to drop off, not gone, visited often, not visited, etc.
I had a not so great boyfriend when I left for college. He didn’t even have a car so I had to go get him so we could hang out on the weekends.
I still made plenty of friends and had a great fall semester. Spring semester, I met a junior on campus, dumped my high school boyfriend, and traded up. Dated my college sweetheart for 5 years and we’ve been married 19 years.
I wouldn’t be happy with the situation, either, OP. But these things have a way of working out.
My D19 has a similar situation and I am struggling (although I adore her BF). My worst fear is that they will break up and she will have zero friends and drop out/get severely depressed. Hopefully your daughter will notice the college guys and be the one to break up with Matt.
You can certainly set boundaries, such as not coming to drop off because you will be there and it impacts you. You can also remind her that she will have a roommate, and she needs to be considerate of that person in terms of late-night phone calls and any visitors to the dorm. If you are providing spending cash, you can absolutely refuse to pay for transportation to wherever the boyfriend is. But beyond those parameters, it’s going to play out how it plays out. Wanting to spend time with the boyfriend is not indicative of low self esteem. She hasn’t yet been to college and doesn’t know what her life will be like and what she will want once she is settled in. I think it’s really too early to make this such a big problem. See how it goes first. You may be wasting head space on something that won’t become a problem.
My S17 had a girlfriend, although she was his age. He went to move in day with the family (in the same car), but it wasn’t very far from home. And they had been friends for years so both families loved the other kid. I was worried too because they had been inseparable for months, all summer long. And it was over by Halloween, S17 was fine and moved on. They briefly rekindled at the beginning of summer, but then it fizzled again. I think sometimes we don’t give our kids enough credit. I wouldn’t do much besides what you’ve done - tell her she needs to make an effort to get adjusted to college life, without the boyfriend coming out every weekend. The rest they kind of have to let work out…
@houndmom yes I think skating was part of it – she was on a very high level synchronized skating team after she decided to leave single competition behind - this required her to be at practice all weekend most weekends as well as competition travel.
@ucbalumnus it is hard to tell really, he barely speaks to us even in our home, he hasn’t been successful in holding even a part time job so I really do not know.
I haven’t read the whole thread but often kids have these relationships that provide a transition between family and college. They really do serve a function. They tent to fade during the first year and if they don’t, then there is more to it than transition.
In hindsight, not sure where the SO would have even found space to assist with move in. There were already 6 people trying to work in a room no bigger than 12x13. Why go if all you can do is hang out in the very hot (no A/C) hallway?
I was happy to see this post and just read the whole thread - hits close to home - S18’s is preparing to head to college, and GF will be a senior next year.
A few weeks ago I addressed “I’d like GF to come to move-in day”- he sprung it on me and my immediate reaction was “No!” I explained it is a family event (fell on deaf ears) so went on that it would be very awkward for her, because the day is about HIM and he’ll be running around picking up ID/parking pass or what-not and meeting people on his hall, and what will she do?
I will need to re-read (and re-read) all the advice about staying out of it, now that I’ve said my peace, repeatedly. I’ve started multiple conversations about the opportunities the school offers and how he needs to be an active part of things - i.e. present on campus - to make the most of it (and set up for a good career), etc. They will only be about 45 minutes drive apart, but he is a student-athlete which will take up a lot of time. I’ve overheard conversations and it sounds like he wants to spend Saturdays with her (until his season starts anyway) - which means he’ll see her family all the time too.
I am in the camp of - we like the GF just fine, are not opposed to her personally at all, but want him to leave his options open at his young age! This has caused much strife in our household the past few months. Her family is so open to the relationship, invites him on vacation, and if the roles were reversed would for sure invite him to move-in day! Neither of them understand why we are so put off. It has been sad, honestly.
I don’t see either of them wanting to break it off - even though I know it commonly happens at this juncture. Did anyone else feel that way, and it did happen? Wishing the OP and everyone a happy outcome…
@1399HdJ I thought for sure my son and his gf would last - they had been great friends since freshman year and I was surprised it took them so long to date. Both were also athletes and that puts a huge time constraint on them, in addition to classwork. Neither had a car on campus, so that helped. There were a few weekend trips home in the beginning but that ended quickly. I was surprised by how fast they ended up breaking up, but in hindsight, both are really social so it shouldn’t have been that surprising.
@1399HdJ YIKES - while I have liked some of my daughters boyfriends fine I am with you in that they are TOO YOUNG to not experience their lives and limiting themselves.
My kids are married (boy am I old) so I have a different perspective.
You say 'I’d like you to get involved in campus life". They hear “My mom doesn’t want me to be happy”. You say “Move in day is for family” and they hear “my dad is such a buzz kill”.
These things die a natural death. DON’T act like they are married (inviting a HS BF to join a family vacation seems crazy to me) and DON’T act like it’s time to start looking for an apartment close to campus so they can move in together.
But if it means hauling the GF or BF to move in-- and there is room in the car- and it lessens the tension in the house the weeks before move in- I’d say do it. In most cases, it just heightens the sense of “Wow we’re in a completely different stage of life right now”. If it were me- I wouldn’t be paying for a train or bus ticket every weekend so they could see each other, and I certainly wouldn’t be acting like their future together is a done deal. But something as innocuous as having an extra pair of hands to haul laundry baskets up and down stairs- especially if your kid is sulking like crazy over it- I’d say yes.
You get an extra day laborer out of the deal- and likely point out to your kid how limiting the HS romance is once you get to college.