I think it really depends on the relationship also. I met my girlfriend the last 3 months of my senior year. She was a sophomore . We had a group of us that met our significant others at the same time. I went to a local community college then local university and dated throughout. I helped move her in. We dated while I went to medical school in another state 3 hours away and she was in college. We broke up for a bit then got back together. Now just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. So we dated 2.5 years before she left for college and 8 years before getting married.
@romanigypsyeyes, I think your family relationships are terrific.
But I also think that people who object to the BF/GF being present at dropoff (or at any other time, really) are people who aren’t pleased that their child is in a relationship with that particular person. And that makes the drive home awkward.
@Marian I disagree. I do not object to my DS dating his GF. I do object to not having private time to process my emotions about a significant change in my family. Yes, it was a significant change for her as well but I needed some time to focus on my current family without having to make allowances for potential future family. I think 18 years of mothering should at least earn me that. I have made many overtures to welcome the GF both before drop off and since. Driving home 4+ hours while maintaining my composure, or dealing with her lack of composure, was too much to ask.
@Cheeringsection I agree - I wanted my daughter to be fully engaged with her new roommate, the other students in her dorm etc. and NOT be giving all her attention (which is what would happen) to the BF - it isn’t the time in my opinion and has nothing to do with my opinion on their overall relationship.
@melvin123 - I think it’s our personal situation that makes me think that way right now. Along with new GF his senior year (starting in Dec) came a lot of changes.
The biggest was that his long-standing firm #1 college choice a 3 hour drive away was dropped for the “new” #1 college choice about an hour away (she is a year younger). “New” #1 school is good - and a good fit for him so no concern there, but it was the reason for the switch that put us up in arms. He never admitted it was because of her, and with some hindsight I don’t think it is, 100% anyway. That was a big thing at the time, him changing his mind like that. He thought/thinks we are less “open” to the relationship because we didn’t like her. We were concerned and blind sighted!
While we’ve talked about how break ups are likely in this situation, it is not on their radar that way. So everything seems heavy, not lighthearted. I think me calling the vacation idea “crazy” is maybe within my own context and not necessarily in the bigger picture.
@cheeringsection - Agree with your sentiment!
@toomanyteens - That is exactly what I told my son! There will be the new roommate, people next door, up and down the halls, and it is his time.
@1399HdJ And to make it more challenging my daughters BF is exceedingly shy. I think just in the last few weeks he started proactively speaking to me and my husband at our home! I am sure if he was there at drop off, my daughter would be spending her time worrying about how comfortable he is (or not) and that is not fair. She may not be savvy enough to understand that but I am so I said nope.
I think it’s extremely fair to not have the bf/gf come. As stated it is family time and there are adjustments for all involved. The bf/gf can come up at another time, if their still together.
Also for practicality…who has extra room in the car for an extra person when moving to school?
I also think it’s very fair to say no to the drop off or vacations because different families have different values and any BF or GF needs to respect that.
I think I could maybe get myself into trouble in the future because I don’t have these rules. But if I didn’t like the BF or had concerns about him I think I’d say no. You guys are making me see what a sticky situation this can be. Thanks?
Pray for the Turkey Drop! (aka when college romances come to an end on Thanksgiving break) 
We took BF on a vacation. It was a good way to get to know him better. Plus our daughter was present on the vacation instead of spending time moping or FaceTiming with him. We liked him going in and even more coming out. The circumstances were right, the time was right, the kid was right. I’m not necessarily recommending taking a BF or GF on a vacation but it worked for us.
It will be up to the young adult! I’m with you OP I get it. I see young people all the time stay focused, get degrees, study abroad, put off love for the focus on the future, etc etc and marvel at how so many kids make it look easy.
My oldest failed at this and dropped out of college for LOVE and my just graduating daughter 2018 who was going to a school on a 40% scholarship whammied us in late May “I want to be transparent because I love you! I am not going to school XXXXXX I am moving in with XXXXXX and going to a community college. I love you guys, I know it is a shock, but I’m 18 and it is what I want. I hope you support me in this I am asking for nothing we will pay our own bills and I will take out loans for school if you will no longer pay!” etc etc etc that was it paraphrased.
So, trust me things can be far worse OP she can succeed at least she is going to a university lol. Be supportive the boyfriend isn’t going anywhere!! It is her life not yours………and that is hard for us parents to hear much of the time!
@emptynesteryet I am so sorry to hear this. Not sure what these kids are thinking. But I understand I might be in the minority here but just because they are 18 doesn’t mean we still can’t parent. I just can’t see this ever happening in our household. I guess you really don’t know till it confronts you. They need to see beyond today. Giving up that scholarship can /will ruin her chance at getting ahead in life and education. Education is just so stressed in our family. You can always find “love” but don’t always have a second chance at an education with scholarship. Also if this person loved her he would of wanted her to be educated. Again, I am not analyzing how your handling it. It tough and sad. I just think we are products of our environment also.
At some point in life, couples have to start planning their geographic moves around each other’s work/school/family needs as well as their own.
I suspect that almost every parent on this board who is currently married or involved in a serious relationship does this.
But most people here seem to agree that it’s not a great idea for 18-year-olds to do it.
When does it become appropriate to start? Some might say when you get married, but my own experiences and those of my grown children (who are 32 and 29, and one of whom is married) suggest that it starts to make sense considerably earlier and that it’s more a function of the state of the relationship than the age of the people involved.
I agree that just because a kid is 18 doesn’t mean we can’t parent if parenting means giving advice. But once a kid is over the age of majority, as long as they are willing to be self-supporting they don’t have to listen to that advice. And there are many, many kids who turn away from principles imbued in them during their childhood because they think they know better. I often wish I were as smart as 18 year olds seem to think they are!
After many years of “I don’t want to do it that way because you want me to do it that way” (at least that’s what it felt like), my daughter seems to have suddenly turned into a grownup right after graduation from college. And it seems that she actually stored away a lot of what I told her over the years. Amazing! And of course very gratifying.
@melvin123 great point. We adults just are moving along life by the seat of our pants. Good thing I can ask my 19/21year olds for advice to handle life’s questions.
I would just talk to this girl about maybe doing a gap year. Giving up on a scholarship is just so immature and selfish and she will regret it later. It’s not like her parents can just come up with $10,000-25,000 when she decides to grow up. It might be too late then. I just hate seeing kids make these awful decision and we as parents think we don’t have any influence over them. That’s crap, personally. My 89 year old mother still knows how to challenge some of my decisions. At 57 I am still her little boy. I don’t always like her butting in but I at this point in my life appreciate why she does it.
“How do I get her to ‘get’ it about not having the HS boyfriend around at college all the time?”
I go back to the original title of this thread, it’s not really about whether the BF is there for drop off or she talks to him too much on the phone; the real issue is the mom doesn’t like the BF at all and wants to control the relationship.
As a parent it’s fairly easy to micromanage all aspects of our kids lives, what’s really hard to do is to let them make some of their own decisions which might involve some mistakes or hardships, that’s part of the growing up process.
I think we need to give our kids some credit and benefit of the doubt, we raise them for 18 years to start thinking on their own and make decisions they feel is best for them. College is a time to be positive and supportive of your young adults, not combative and controlling.
I am looking forward to S18 thinking/acting on his own and enjoying it (move-in day was Friday). So far am successfully resisting the urge to ask him to call me!
Maybe the push-back we’ve received over the past few months had to do with our rules (nothing excessive, definitely not helicopter parents, but still rules) as he headed toward independence.
@emptynesteryet - Thank you for sharing, a whammy indeed.