“it’s not really about whether the BF is there for drop off or she talks to him too much on the phone; the real issue is the mom doesn’t like the BF at all and wants to control the relationship”
No that is not the reason – like I said her older sister has a long term boyfriend too, I don’t dislike that one and I still feel the same - college is for the experience.
Gravity has a way of just tugging and tugging and tugging. Hopefully you can trust her to notice the costs and benefits of this arrangement and take the logical step to get him a job on campus (or, you know, friendzone him or whatever.) 
Why are you involved in this?
I really think relationships can help with the big transition from home to college. Some break up at Thanksgiving (“turkey drop”) and some even last a lifetime. Whether to a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a group of friends, I noticed that attachment to parents seemed to transfer during senior year into freshman year of college. It seemed helpful but it is understandably difficult if the parent doesn’t like the person(s). Stil, it is up to the daughter now.
If OP is going to be paying the boyfriend’s gas and insurance (through the daughter), I can see why she might object to frequent 6 hour round trips.
I think you can expect fewer visits because of the cost of driving there and back, and the boyfriend just doesn’t have the money. My daughter is 2 to 2.5 hours away, and that 5 hour round trip got old real fast.
I do not think anyone will enforce the rules because he is 17. We had those rules when I lived in the dorm, no men in our rooms between 2 am and 9 am. I wasn’t even supposed to live in that dorm because I was 17, but the school assigned me there (it was co-ed by floor). As long as the guests stayed in the room and weren’t wandering around, no one cared.
Big sign on the wall of the dorm that says all overnight guests must be 18 or over and must register to stay. Boyfriend is still 17. I am pretty sure at least this entire semester. And she is making friends and has plans with said friends for this weekend and her birthday (1st week of Oct she turns 18).
I highly expect 3 hours there and 3 hours back in one day will get tired and costly (and will likely keep it to 1 day a weekend at most); AND we have graduated driving law in NJ so he has to be home by 11 pm.
Although I did find out from sister that my kid was PAYING this kids insurance and gas because he lost his job and couldn’t pay (and I was paying HER insurance while she paid HIS OMG). And she wonders why we don’t particularly like him.
Well natural consequences now she only has so much spending $$ and I am not supplementing that. 
@Proudpatriot seriously? Because she is my 17 year old daughter and I am paying for her overall education/experience
You just let it go and let her make her own decisions/mistakes.
If the drive is 6 hours, let’s hope that gets old quickly. If not old, then expensive. My sons dorm has a visitation policy, but the RA already said if he doesn’t hear it or see it…
@Trixy34 I am doing that now - but I did need to point out that having a boyfriend from HS (not even a HS graduate yet) tailing her every weekend WILL affect her making good friends (and she complains about not having good friends) - now she will listen or she won’t.
@toomanyteens - Paying for school does not give you the right to micromanage her relationships. She is an adult. It is fine for you to stop giving her money if you do not approve of her choices. You do not have to support her choices by paying for them. However, past that you really should not be meddling in her life the way you are.
FWIW-I wouldn’t want the boyfriend there for move in day either and that is something you can control. However, her life with him is her life. If you want to keep from permanently damaging your relationship with her you need to let her make her own decisions with respect to the boyfriend.
“know thy child” All the comments are interesting to me about everyone’s parenting skills. I was older but did the 6 hour round trip to my girlfriend in college but I was in medical school. Not really a big deal when your young. Doubt his mother will allow it that often. As far as “she’s an adult”… Uh no… She’s learning to become an adult. Between my two kids no question my daughter at 17/18 was more sufficient at this then my son. Hands down…
I think the OP knows her daughter much better then we do. I think this OP knows when to meddle and when not to. She wants her daughter to have the normal first week’s at college to learn about clubs, meet people etc Her daughter has a problem meeting people and making friends. She will use the boyfriend as a crutch. . Her daughter would most likely not go to a club /group to meet people if the boyfriend is there. Not sure why that is a problem. We all want the best for our kids or what we perceive is best for them.
On CC sometimes our internet voices come out. I know what she means about that she’s paying for her education etc. I don’t think she means that if her daughter doesn’t listen to her she’s going to yank her out of school. I get the inner meaning. We all know what’s best for our kids to grow. All we can do is suggest and live by example. I don’t think the OP is standing in front of the dorm room blocking anyone from seeing her daughter.
Like to hear in the coming weeks what actually transpired. Some of these stories on CC are like a miniseries and like to hear the conclusion.
I remember a guy in our freshman group who had a GF from high school, and the girl’s father offered to buy him a car so he could visit the GF often at a nearby college. He was smart enough to decline the offer, but he still spent every weekend with her the first semester. He was very friendly with us during the week, but when she visited we had to pretend we didn’t know him.
@Knowsstuff thanks for your post. I’m sitting here reading along and was thinking that some of the posts were getting very judgmental. I really appreciate the part of CC that allows us to throw out questions and hear different approaches because it’s all good food for thought. No one wants to be judged though, even anonymously, and I think that stifles people from posting, which would be a shame.
As I tell my kids… You can have your opinions. I
am just always right. ;
I know a young man who dated the same young woman from senior year in high school, through college (they chose it specifically to be together) and two years following graduation. Marriage was on the horizon when he absolutely freaked out. He realized he’d been with this one person his “entire adult life” and that he wasn’t – contrary to appearances – ready to settle down. He broke off the relationship at a time his girlfriend and both their families expected a proposal. Today he says it was the hardest decision he’d ever had to make – and that he’s thrilled he made it. He’s now traveled the world, is teaching overseas and has had a couple girlfriends who opened his eyes to new ideas, ways of living and new adventures.
For some, these early relationships work out. For others, they’re just the beginning of a long road.
@katliamom I know a young woman who was dumped from a relationship like that. Took her more than 5 years to move on. As parents we all worry that will be our kid!
@Proudpatriot I am pretty sure I JUST said I was letting her make her own decisions now that I have said my peace.
You take issue with me pointing out what may not be obvious to her at her pretty immature age? (that having a HS boyfriend there all the time will in all likelihood impede her making a great group of close friends);
If that is the case and you consider that “meddling” I can live with that – I consider it parenting which doesn’t END at age 18 (which she is not even yet).
BTW – And for the record I also am paying for that dorm room so making the choice to break the rules (and perhaps take negative consequences) is something I also have a complete right to talk to her about. I don’t have to pay for her to have her minor age boyfriend sleeping in her dorm room.
Thank you @Knowsstuff - so far she is making friends; I suspect the boyfriend visited one day during this past long weekend (several of her new friends and her roommate went home for a night or two). We will see how the coming weeks go. I do think she ‘heard’ me.