My daughter is a freshman in a top college now and I thought this kind of life will become less of an issue when she is around smart people like her. But I guess I am wrong.
The same pattern happened again. My daughter always gains a lot of friends at the very beginning in a new setting because she is small, cute, friendly, witty and funny with a baby face. She looks harmless and is very humble. But once they start to know her more, people dislike her. They will be mean to her, isolate her and even bully her. Very obviously people who do this to her seem to be a bit less secure. They are not the group with the high achieving behavior and they don’t look very happy with themselves. They always complain and are moody. But the people who are very similar to my daughter still love her and stay either as very close friends or best friends. They are mostly more successful people and it includes adults. (She got bullied by a teacher when she was only 7 because she was too smart for her class. But she wasn’t a know-it-all kind of kid. And she is a humble kid because she always says she doesn’t think she is that smart. That’s why I don’t understand why the teacher disliked her so much)
My daughter indeed is a very smart girl but I am sure most of the people who go to her college are too. But the difference is she is very high achieving and hardworking and it leads to a lot of success in many areas, good grades (very high GPA), outstanding performance on her sport team, etc. She also always attracts a lot of guys for some reasons. I think being small, cute, athletic and funny? I don’t like this the most because it draws a lot of tension in girls and people tend to be less rational when it comes to feelings. She is also from a good family with a comfortable life. Dad is a successful professional and the family of 3 with that income puts us in the upper class. Kids in her school might have found out that she is a full pay and has no financial constraints. But she is not a show-off. She doesn’t talk about what she owns or what she has done which involved good amount of money. But it is obvious enough that she has a comfortable life though.
I had been telling my daughter her whole life that once she is in a college where she belongs, she would have a better life and better friends. She had really tough life in that area because she was always in a wrong school for the wrong demographics. I thought it would end once she got into a great school which only takes successful and intelligent students. I thought they would share the same vision and have the same mentality to do well… I guess it is not the case.
Some juniors are doing it to some of the freshmen players on the team now since the nice seniors are gone. They have been mean to the girls and today one junior started to bully my daughter by teasing her out loud. I told her to stay away from drama and use her absolute kindness to deal with them. She is very sad now because the team dynamic was really good to begin with when the nice seniors were still around.
Is it true a smart and high achieving individual will have to face life like this forever because they are the small portion of our grand human population? Can someone share some idea about the reality and tips on how to handle them?
she needs to talk to the coach asap about this behavior.
If he/she does not put a stop to it then your DD should leave the team and remove the requirement that forces her to be around obnoxious girls .
“use her absolute kindness to deal with them.”
Being “nice” wont change their behavior, but putting distance between your D and them means she will no longer be a target.
I’m sure there are plenty of nice kids at her college- she just needs to literally turn her back on the ones that are picking on her, walk away and start looking elsewhere for like minded students.
@menloparkmom you really think so? Will that be like being immature to bring the coach in? She won’t leave the team that’s for sure by knowing her… what do you mean by putting distance between them?
yes i really think so. If the coach WONT do anything to help the TEAM dynamics by putting and end to the bullying, and SHE wont leave the team in order to be happier, then she is doomed to be picked on -as long as she is on the same team with these bullies.
She needs to put PHYSICAL distance between herself and the teammates who think that she can be bullied.
thats the only long term solution- walking away from bullies. Otherwise she is giving them what they want- a target
Life is full of so many opportunities, why would you encourage her to stick with a sports team where your D is being bullied? You are talking about a recreational activity-- not some lifesaving procedure where she has to “suck it up” because she’s got a mean nurse who administers her chemo.
I’d encourage her to find another recreational outlet. I’d then suggest counseling if this has been a life long problem. There are many cute, fun, smart people in the world who do not get bullied and perhaps an outsiders insight is what’s required right now.
^so?
shes NOT on an athletic scholarship, is she?
As blossom said, there are plenty of other sporting activities that she can participate in- club or just for fun.
There is NO reason for her to continue to work hard for a team when it is no longer fun for her.
In addition, by quitting she is sending a message TO ALL on the team, and her coach, that she will no longer allow herself to bullied.
she is going to HAVE to start standing up for herself sooner or later.
There is no time like the present.
Let her know that she has your support to quit.
It will be liberating for her, in numerous ways, to have your blessing to make the decision that puts her out of harms way and back in control of how she chooses to spend her time and who she does and doesn’t associate herself with.
She should NOT waste one minute trying to change the behavior of bullies- that can only happen if the bulllies themselves decide to change, [and that doesn’t happen very often].
She’s a varsity athlete which means what- she has to take it when the older team members behave in an obnoxious and hurtful manner?
I think not.
If being bullied has been a life long problem, and your attitude has always been “You’re a varsity athlete” or “you’re valedictorian” or some other reason why your D can’t walk away from a bad situation, then you both might benefit from counseling.
Do you want her in an abusive marriage which she can’t leave because her husband is an orthodpedic surgeon and makes a million dollars a year? Do you want her suffering through an abusive boss because she’s on track to make partner?
No you don’t. Help her get some outside help to learn how to manage these situations. But staying on a team just because you are a varsity athlete when the team dynamics are hurting you psychologically is the strangest thing I’ve heard all week. And I’ve had a tough week.
get her help and give her permission to quit the team. She can play her sport in a less stressful way with a bunch of nicer teammates. That’s a gift you can give her.
The world is filled with kind, wonderful, interesting and smart people. And I’ll bet your d’s college is filled with them too. Every hour she spends with one of the “mean girls” is an hour she’s not spending with one of the wonderful people.
I hated my job at one point in my life (most people have one of these stints). There were lots of reasons to stay- mostly financial. But my life and my peace of mind were being impacted by some horrible and tyrannical people who I had to work with. So I quit. I worried for aprox. one week that I’d regret leaving-- nobody likes a quitter, I’d never walked away from anything before, blah blah blah.
Best decision I ever made. I landed in a similar job working with the nicest people you could imagine. Smart and capable, intellectually curious, collegial and team oriented, in a place that really valued people skills (like being able to give an employee negative feedback without making them feel terrible for a month). I usually forget that I worked at the horrible place with the terrible boss and the ridiculously aggressive culture except when someone asks me “should I stay and try to make it work or should I leave?”
And then I remember that leaving an abusive situation and landing in an incredibly supportive one is just about the nicest gift you can give yourself.
A “team” is supposed to stick together and help each other. If the seniors are gone and the juniors are causing trouble, then the coach needs to know. Otherwise the team will fall apart in a hurry.
At any college there will be a lot of high achieving people. Some will be nice and some will be annoying. Some may have been picked on in high school for being different and be taking it out on others now. Others may have been picked on in high school for being different and be very open minded and helpful now. It may take time to find the right friends but there should be good people at any good university. If they are not on your daughter’s team she probably needs to first tell the coach and then think about whether this is the wrong team.
Thank you all for the advice! We will see how the situation escalates to and decide from there. She got into a fight with her last abusive club coach and left the team on her own wish. She has done that and she said could deal with people better than before because it is hard to find anyone as crazy as him. For now, it is not abusive to the point that my daughter can’t handle it. It is more my concern for what I have told my daughter with confidence that she would be in a better place if she worked hard and got into a great school. I felt like I have deceived her some how…
This post is more for me to worry about explaining things to her one day if she comes and questions me… I was just losing faith as a mom for what I have believed in and taught my daughter…
As I read this, I see 2 issues. One is the immediate one of dealing with her teammates. I agree that she needs to walk away. If she doesn’t want to do that, she needs to find allies on the team or tell the coach, but she should not let it continue as it is making her unhappy.
The pattern you describe worries me. It doesn’t sound like she is the classic bully victim who is ostracized but like something she is doing sets this pattern in motion again and again with people who initially seemed friendly. Is she picking the wrong friends? Is she doing something that makes other people feel she is competing with them (noting that most of those high-achieving students are also competitive)? Is her cute bubbly behavior seen by others as flirtatious? This is not to say she is to blame -
nobody should be bullied - but that she may have a role in what’s happening. I wonder if it might help her to visit the counseling services at school. They may have a better read on what’s going on (like knowing that her team has issues or that students in her program are very competitive. )
Maybe, if her GPA would make classmates jealous, she should keep that to herself. At most schools, it is a privilege to be FP, but there are plenty of ultra rich kids around. It can be a bit of a skill to keep that quiet, but perhaps she can work out ways to do that. It may be that she talks humbly about things she simply should not talk about at all. Because it is not a big deal to her doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to others.
As her mother, the best thing you can do is listen and urge her to find situations that make her happy. She has nice, loyal friends - remind her that she can spend time with them or with jerks. With everything she has going for her, she should be able to find happiness.
Garden State Gal said everything I came here to say. I am also concerned about this pattern in her life. I am not blaming her, but agree that something may be setting this dynamic in motion. I say this as a former nice, cute, smart, well-meaning high school and college kid who had trouble with social situations. I think some counseling is in order here, just to help her figure it out. Again, not blaming, but some people are just better at reading social situations than others, and everyone needs help sometimes.
Being nice or being a jerk isn’t confined to any particular social, wealth, intelligence, or achievement bracket. It’s not necessarily related to being surrounded (or not) by people you consider to be peers. Learning to deal with all manner of unpleasant people in a healthy manner is a life skill. This includes knowing when and how to speak up, when to get outside help and when to walk away from a bad situation.
If this kind of bullying is happening repeatedly, your daughter needs some new techniques to deal with the situations that occur. Perhaps the coach has some insight or observations on how she fits with the team dynamics that could be helpful to her? I’d second the suggestion of an outside counselor for another perspective if this has been a lifelong challenge she can’t seem to shake.
If one is having a repeated pattern of a certain kind of history with other people, perhaps it is time to meet with a counselor who can give an objective opinion, something a mother cannot do.
Perhaps there is something in your daughter’s demeanor that is unconsciously making her a target for such behavior. Even if she has nothing to change at all, meeting with a good counselor can provide her with coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with the behavior of others in a productive way.
I think she needs to see a counselor in order to get an objective opinion as to why this keeps happening- it seems to be a pattern. I am not saying she is at fault and she certainly does not deserve to be treated this way ( nobody does), but there may be a reason why this keeps happening and a counselor may be able to help sort it out.
Maybe she should try talking to these women one-on-one so they understand that she considers this teasing to be bullying. Some people take teasing with good humor and some are very sensitive to it - the perceived bullying may be unintentional.
I have a college freshman daughter of normal intelligence with no particular academic or athletic gifts. Her high school had plenty of kids who had more drive, better grades, better opportunities, bigger houses, etc. She has never bullied anyone or been jealous of anyone because they were smarter than her, harder working than her, wealthier than her, or more successful than her. She is happy and secure with who she is. Please don’t dump all of the regular people into the same trash heap.
Echoing what others have said. Sometimes a high achieving kid will have a competitive demeanor that is really off-putting to others, and she or he just needs to be clued in if this is a pattern that repeats itself.
My daughter has a friend from her middle school days who fits this description. She is a kind and supportive person, but says things like, “Ugh, I only got a 97 on that test” or “I can’t believe I got an A. My paper was total crap.” Or she would repeat compliments that others gave her, like “My math professor said my grad school application was amazing. I’m really surprised because I didn’t put that much effort in it.”
I certainly have no idea if the OP’s daughter does anything like this, but when someone is repeatedly a victim, there may some aspect of her behavior that needs to change.
She is not competitive in that manner. She is only competitive with her own self. She didn’t disclose her GPA but people in her class figured what she got on her tests and exams and maybe that’s why they know. She is also taking Orgo 2 as a freshman and that’s what the junior was teasing her the other day prior to today’s incident. Today it is also teasing about my daughter being dumb or not. I was just using GPA to describe my daughter’s situation in case people wonder what I was talking about.
She does attract less ambitious friends because my daughter likes to have fun and she jokes around a lot. I don’t see a problem in her because she does have good friends and she is always most teachers’ and coaches’ pick as a leader. I think it is more her not knowing how to read people’s behavior and not cautious about who to pick. And they are the reasons why she would get picked on. Someone here has mentioned this and it just clicked me. She would begin with the less ambitious friends but leaving them wonder why she is achieving something else in life when she is not hanging out with them. They feel she betrays them because they don’t see that coming?
I think she has to learn to pick the right friends and be more cautious about being too friendly with anyone too soon. Thank you everyone for all the advices again. I appreciate it. I always learn a lot from other people!
In all my years of education and sports teams I haven’t seen someone bullied who fits the descrption of your daughter. Usually it’s people who are “odd” or loners of some sort.
“I think it is more her not knowing how to read people’s behavior and not cautious about who to pick. And they are the reasons why she would get picked on”
I think you have hit the nail on the head.
A really friendly , quietly smart [ as well as small and cute ] freshman who is already taking Orgo 2, who does not “read” people well, may not be able to distinguish a real "friend " who is not threated by her intelligence, from “foe”, or recognize the beginnings of jealousy, when it first happens. Are there a LOT of Premed majors at her school?
Med school admittance is extremely competative, and for someone to be both a varsity athlete as a freshman AND managing Orgo 2 may very well bring out the ugly green jealous “demon” in other students, unfortunately.
At top colleges there are a high % of very smart kids who are like her.
I suggest she stick with the smarter kids and she will find her peers there.