<p>jym, I made a suggestion to you that I thought might be helpful – and you said it wouldn’t work for your family. I respect that.</p>
<p>But then you went on to write:
</p>
<p>My suggestion is a simple solution that would work for a lot of families. If one partner in a marriage wants to help a troubled sibling and the other doesn’t – then that is going to cause a lot of stress and tension, especially if it is the relative of the partner who is more inclined to help. </p>
<p>One thing I learned when I split up with my ex was not to put my kids in the middle of our financial disputes, or allow a situation where both parents are making conflicting demands on the kids loyalties. But I see the situation you describe as inevitably putting the spouse with the relative square in the middle of a tug-of-war between the blood relative and the spouse. I don’t think that’s healthy. I’m not criticizing your choice – that’s up to you – but to claim that its bad advice because it is “unhealthy to enable the behavior” is asserting one point of view. Since I have my own family member who is such a drag – I know that I even though I am quite capable of saying no, I wouldn’t want that decision forced on me. It’s o.k. with me if the resolution means I can go a year or more without hearing from my blood relative – but maybe that’s not o.k. in another family? In my case it’s just an unmarried single adult who is mooching – in your case it sounds like there are nieces en nephews involved. What about the health of the relationship between the siblings? </p>
<p>To my way of looking, most fights in a relationship about money are over control – and it can create a lot of resentment if one partner feels the other is forcing them into a decision they don’t want to make. That’s why I felt there was some value to creating a fund that the partner with the family member could exercise his own control over. It isn’t about right or wrong, it’s about who has the responsibility and who has the control, knowing that control and responsibility always go hand in hand. </p>
<p>You are right that it is “unhealthy” to enable the relatives’ mooching behavior – but realistically it is NOT going to change. To think that you can sign them up for financial counseling or buy them a book and have everything resolved is as naive as thinking that you could resolve a substance abuse problem with a simple referral or a self-help book. The family with the money problems has a long-standing pattern set up and they perceive their problems differently. Most likely they perceive themselves as victims of an unfair and unpredictable world, where they are always confronted with unforeseen events. You and I probably perceive the world as a place where we can protect ourselves by good planning, so we worry about things like funding our retirement plans and purchasing insurance. We function this way because we anticipate all of those events that come like surprises to the other family. </p>
<p>Just like an addiction, the only way they are going to ever change is when they recognize on their own that they need help. You can make suggestions and offer things, but they don’t want that – they want your money. They probably equate money with familial love, in that they probably rationalize that you and your h. “have plenty” and they have more need, and that your telling them no means that you are selfish and don’t love or care for them. So when you say no, no matter how nicely, they are going to get angry. The last thing they are going to do if they are ticked off is follow your advice – quite the contrary, they will probably engage in passive aggressive behavior and do everything possible to undermine or avoid following your advice. </p>
<p>Anyway, my sense from your post is that you and DH agree that things have to change, but that you do not yet agree on details. I think you should back off and give DH more control to make his own decisions, since it is his family – my sense is that you want a closer involvement. But that also is “enabling” behavior in a sense – you could be “enabling” your DH’s inability to stand up to his relatives on his own by insisting on being part of the picture. Maybe that’s o.k – after all, a marriage is an intimate relationship that is founded on sharing, and maybe your DH wants and needs your support and input on this. </p>
<p>But you came here asking for advice – I’ve lived this situation both in my own family and seeing it in my ex-husband’s family. I am eternally grateful that I seem to have raised both my kids to be independent minded young adults with a strong work ethic – its nice that they don’t seem likely to replicate these problems with each other. But part of the process of getting there was backing off and letting go in many areas of their lives.</p>