This has become my safe place for information and the deep, dark secrets/feelings I won’t even share with my spouse about the college admissions process, lol.
I’m wondering how you guys handle information, test scores and other information from other parents. In our area, it all depends on the public high school you go to whether you will have an absolute grind in school or be free to pursue a million activities outside of school. The city school is quite good, and offers nearly every AP class (with the workload) while the surrounding schools don’t. The experiences at the schools are completely different, both socially and academically. At the city school it is a rare honors/AP kid who can “do it all” and still find time to sleep. At the surrounding schools it is the exact opposite.
I know the colleges compare what you take to what you could have taken in terms of “rigor” and the like - and I think my child will stack up okay (not a genius, but a hard worker and a compassionate person that the world needs more of). But how do you handle jealousy when a bunch of parents get together and start talking? I know what my child is taking - no study halls and not even a lunch period - and it is nothing like what kids in the other schools are taking. That’s why my child limits extracurriculars to a handful of long-term ones as opposed to every single club and sport. It’s hard to hear about no homework at another high school when my kid is doing several hours a night while trying to have a life. And it will get worse as they start to take those standardized tests.
I know I should ignore it. I know that. But I am human. I guess I am looking for some “been there, done that” from other parents on how to carry on and process the information. It’s a small, first-world problem, I know.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. What are the negatives on that side? Do those students do as well academically? Is your child unhappy about the “grind”? Does he or she WANT to be part of every club and sport?
My goodness; your child is getting the better education and will be better prepared for college. The rigorous high school academics prepared both my sons for a top academic university where they both have done well.
Those parents are more likely jealous about your child’s preparation.
My D was a good–not great–student at our rigorous public high school. She hung with the top students and did not feel she measured up academically. Fast-forward to freshman year of college and she is quite well prepared for the workload. She told us her friends, some of whom came from easier high schools, are struggling and think of her as “the smart one” of the group.
My advice is to just not talk to other parents about this topic. Everyone is a little insecure and bound to say things to make themselves feel better about their child or child’s school out of that insecurity. Then there are the super nosy ones like my book group friend who seems to know where every one of 300 kids got accepted and disparages those she feels are undeserving. Best to just keep quiet and try to tell child to do the same.
Thank you for the kind words. I have talked myself down a little bit from when I wrote earlier this morning and realize my kid has some great activities and grades and is not in competition with anyone. Now I just need to bookmark this so I can read my own words now and again, lol.
Our D had plenty of peers who did more test prep, got higher grades and scores, and participated in 1001 ECs. And their parents were more than happy to share these accomplishments.
D worked very hard to find the most academically rigorous college where she could excel, and yet have the balanced social life she hoped for, and participate in her sport. She has had an outstanding freshman year, with dozens of accomplishments both large and small. She has been happy, occasionally stressed, and consistently challenged. As parents we have been very proud, and the HS test scores and GPA are already a distant, fading memory.
Actually, talking with other parents is easier if your child isn’t following a path that’s extremely selective or extremely expensive.
My kid #1 went to our neighborhood high school, did reasonably well, and went on to our state university – which was his first choice school and turned out to be a great experience for him. I happily discussed his plans and experiences with other parents every step of the way, and there was never any bad feeling.
My kid #2 went to a selective magnet program, did extremely well, and went on to an Ivy League college, for which we were full pay. I used to hide in the supermarket to avoid talking to other parents because their resentment oozed out of every pore – both because we could afford the expensive college and because she had gotten admitted to both a very selective high school program and a very selective college.
It was a lot more fun to be the parent of kid #1, at least when it came to friendly conversation with neighbors.
Don’t share your kid’s test scores or application list with anyone. We suggested to our kids to do the same. It saves a lot of conflict down the road, believe me. And you are coming up on the window when it is all anyone wants to talk about.
You have to play your own game and ignore others in this. College apps are not a team sport. Your family has their own goals and limitations in this, and just keep your eye on that. If it helps, I think of kids with a lot of shiny ECs as like the neighbors who drive a fancy car and go on nice vacations, but are drowning in debt. Of course there are a few kids with shiny ECs and great academics & scores, but not many.
Another thing to think about – your kid CAN limit their APs. They can take a couple a year, don’t have to take 4-5. The world won’t stop spinning, and your kid will go to college. A solid but not spectacular number of APs is fine. Hopefully his more rigorous academics will help his test scores, too. iMHO, test prep is more important than another AP junior year.
Run your own race. People that appear to have “perfect lives” from the outside may be struggling with stuff you never want.
Also ponder this - how would you feel if your kid and his friends discussed and compared your salaries, jobs, promotions, savings accounts, etc? I bet it wouldn’t feel too good.
"My kid #2 went to a selective magnet program, did extremely well, and went on to an Ivy League college, for which we were full pay. I used to hide in the supermarket to avoid talking to other parents because their resentment oozed out of every pore "
Why would people know whether you were full pay or not? Since when is that anyone’s business?
I find that other people think a lot less and care a lot less about me/my family/our goings-on than I do. I suspect the same for you. I do not really believe that other people’s resentment “oozes out of every pore” but there’s no reason you can’t just step over the ooze instead of picking it up.
Parents are the most competitive animals on this planet when it comes to their kiddies, period. As an Asian I’m appalled and ashamed of all these Tiger Moms around me and their extremist stance on education (“TiggerDad” is my CC moniker to make fun of this phenomenon). Can you imagine the level of jealousy among these ultra competitive animals (well, tiger IS an animal)?
Sure, we do get jealous and I’m not going to bs the natural trait among all human beings. The question is how to deal with such a negative and sometimes destructive emotion that rises up in us. For my family, our rule is simple: don’t look over the other side of the fence and just focus on our own affairs; our side of the fence is green enough. When other folks look over our side of the fence, we just ignore and go about doing our own things. Works greatly for us. We’re too busy with our own lives to poke our noses into other family’s lives.
It is like comparing our times to finish a one mile run. It is always easy to see and compare yourself to those who run faster or who don’t appear to train as hard as you do to maintain your pace. It is then easy to ask “Why” do they run faster or make it seem so easy.
We forget there many other runners who are looking at us and our time and asking themselves why can’t they be like us.
What do I do now. I try to learn from other to improve myself and also try to help others when they ask for help This isn’t a competition where there is only one winner.
Oh please…in a race, the others can SEE where you placed.
For SAT scores, and grades and the like…this is not a matter of public record. No one knows YOUR stats unless you feel compelled to share them.
In this family…we felt it was NO ONEs business what our kids had in terms of SAT scores, grades, scholarships…or,anything else like that. We simply did not discuss these things…at all when we were with friends,more,actives or acquaintances.
I fail to see why these stats are shared with others…and esoecially if you think you are going to be jealous because your kid didn’t do as well. I mean really…what’s the point of having these types of conversations?
Somewhere I once read that feelings of envy or jealousy are just clues to what you want more of or value in life at this point in time… so use it as a sign that your psyche is trying to tell you to bring more of that factor in your life…
ie… if you feel envious other kids have more interesting classes… talk to your daughter see if she feels the same way if so maybe take some time to add more interesting experiences to your lives…say attend an opera, museum, a lecture or something new and different one weekend…
if jealous that she is doing homework and others have more free time… try to schedule in more adventure time on the weekend… explore a new city, restaurant or something together… if feel envious someone is wealthier try adding one or two luxury things or experiences to your life… it usually doesn’t take much to assuage those feelings
When the envy feeling comes up, thank it for pointing out what you might want more of in your life… I tried this and it kind of works!!
I agree with other posters that a family policy of privacy is key here. In fact, in our house, our kids do not know each others’ grades, test scores, etc. It is private and belongs to them. I certainly don’t share that information with other people.
I’ve recently been in a few situations with acquaintances who were discussing topics I didn’t want to discuss further. I let them talk, congratulated them for their kid, and didn’t mention our situation. Most people just want to talk about their kid anyway, so let them talk. Tell yourself in your head that you’re keeping your promise to your kid not to reveal his or her business.
It will get worse, because people will ask where your kid is applying to college, what the results are, whether they received merit scholarships. I was asked that TWICE this week by two different people. I like to be vague, or make a joke that changes the subject.
You made choices that make sense for your family. In the long run, the good education your child is receiving will be helpful. Have confidence that you made the right choice. If your kid does work hard and is a good kid there will be college options that you’re all happy about.
