how do you make the big decision to leave a spouse?

Parent Cafe
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<p>""""When they separate, his income will no longer be community property - it will be his separate property – and ideally he should also set up his own separate bank account.</p>

<p>If, for example, they separate on Sept. 1 --then everything he earns through August 31 is community property and everything he earns from Sept 1st going forward is his separate property. The actual physical date of separation may not be that clear, but she will have to specify a date when filing the divorce papers and that will be seen as the dividing line for the future.>>>>></p>

<p>not in my state and not in some others. In my state, there is an immediate court order that the incomes must continue to be deposited into joint accts (if that has been the set up) so that both spouses have access to the funds to live. In my sil’s state, she also had to do the same (her H unemployed). </p>

<p>In my state there is an immediate (and I mean immediate) court order that current bills must be paid…so that earning spouses cant just abandon the home and leave the sahm with an unpaid mortgage and utility bills, etc.</p>

<p>If the OP lives in a similar state, she should stay in the home for at least a bit so he will be ordered to pay for utilities, etc (since she has no mortgage)</p>

<p>In my state, If the earning spouse has been depositing into his own acct for awhile, then an emergency order of support is ordered so that the other spouse has money.</p>

<p>in my state, the day of separation can set the timeline for debts incurred, but only if those debts are not due to unfair behavior by the earning spouse. (for instance, if the earning spouse denies access to funds, and the sahm has to use credit cards to pay bills, then likely the earning spouse will be ordered to pay those debts.</p>

<p>in my state, bad behavior is still very punishable in court.</p>

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<p>“To be honest has anyone on this thread known anyone where this actually happened?”</p>

<p>Yes, my sister. I posted all about her divorce (post #109)</p>

<p>I don’t recall if she and ex had a formal separation agreement but I don’t think they did. They both lawyered up immediately. I only know that for the 5 years until divorce was final - she sent every bill that came to the house to his attorney. She paid for nothing. She just put everything on credit cards and he got the bills. </p>

<p>I do remember the day after he walked out she immediately withdraw large amount (maybe $20K or so) from one of their accounts and opened her own account (they had joint checking.) </p>

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<p>""""“I think it’s sound advice to open a checking account in your name, throw in $20 and if you indeed have family who can help, have then toss some $ in. The problem is that since you don’t work, you don’t have another address you can use. Do you get the mail in your home?
“””""</p>

<p>do not put any money from relatives into any new acct that even has one dollar of community property money. the relatives’ money must never be mixed…or it will become community property and shared.</p>

<p>If a relative gives you money, it should be by check so that there is a paper trail of source…and all must be a new separate unmixed acct.</p>

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<p><<<<
If the marriage is so bad you would consider divorce, especially considering one major complaint is his unpredictable moods, you cannot even begin to say,“He wouldn’t do this or that.” My gawd, even if he’s utterly willing to take care of you, his own attorney could throw in a wrench.</p>

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<p>this is sooo true. the h’s current behavior towards his wife in regards to money is based on them being married and that she is doing her part for the household. The moment she is no longer contributing towards the household (chores, etc), his whole demeanor could change…and why wouldnt it??</p>

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<p>Separation agreement is the hardest one to get signed. Once that’s done then divorce could quickly follow. I am not surprised emilybee’s sister took 5 years to get it done. While they were working on the agreement, there was probably a temporary support agreement. During those 5 years (until the agreement was signed), anything H earned were most likely communal property. If his earning/401K were going up each year, his lawyer should have told him to settle in order to get the separation agreement signed.</p>

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<p>"do not put any money from relatives into any new acct that even has one dollar of community property money. the relatives’ money must never be mixed…or it will become community property and shared.</p>

<p>If a relative gives you money, it should be by check so that there is a paper trail of source…and all must be a new separate unmixed acct."</p>

<p>That’s probably wiser than what I was suggesting - get your father (or whoever) to write you a check for $X and set up the account with just that $X in it. Thanks for the clarification. </p>

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<p>This thread is very instructive, even if things are fine and you have no plans to separate from your spouse. Life can change in the blink of an eye and it’s kind of comforting to know that I have a credit card and bank account in my name,and a vehicle in my name only. I certainly hope that I’m never in a situation that I need these conditions, but forewarned is forearmed. </p>

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<p>Good article for divorcing women:</p>

<p><a href=“Three Types of Financial Mistakes Divorcing Women Make (And How to Avoid Them)”>http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/11/27/three-types-of-financial-mistakes-divorcing-women-make-and-how-to-avoid-them/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>“his lawyer should have told him to settle in order to get the separation agreement signed.”</p>

<p>His attorney did tell him but ex refused to listen to him. Initially, the H told my sister not to worry he would “take care of her” but that didn’t last long. He was such a stubborn ass that there were a few times when they were in court that the judge told him if he didn’t do something (like pay D’s college tuition bill immediately) she would throw him in Rikers and had the officers in court to carry it out. </p>

<p>What finally got him to sign agreement after 5 years was that the Judge said if he didn’t she would give my sister enhanced earnings in top of everything else she ordered him to give to her. </p>

<p>He pretty much divorced his children, too. One has begun a relationship with him only recently (he walked out in 2001.) The other daughter saw him on the train one day and went up to him and asked if they could have coffee one day and he said, “I don’t think so.” </p>

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<p>If relatives are loaning money, it all should be spelled out (and money kept separate). if they later want to forgive the loan, then they can do so after divorce is final.</p>

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<p>emilybee - that’s unbelievable. I just can’t imagine what the D must have felt hearing her father say that.</p>

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<p>emilybee, what an ass he is! Horrible. </p>

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<p>LOL, BB, I was actually about to write that verbatim. :D</p>

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<p>Are we allowed to use the A word? I would have used it if I knew.</p>

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<p>Yes, he is horrid. We were quite taken by surprise by all of it. He was an extremely doting father and husband. They never wanted for anything. It’s like he turned into a completely different person. He also told the younger daughter when she broached the subject of him possibly reaching out older sister that, and I am quoting, “I only think of her as my birth child!” </p>

<p>Even his parents divorced the kids. My mom called his mother one day crying and asking how they could cut off all communications with their grandchildren and it was like talking to a wall. </p>

<p>His behavior really took a huge toll on both girls (one was going into Jr. of HS and the other was college sophomore when he walked out.) The both ended up needing therapy and drugs. </p>

<p>He has missed older D’s wedding and now the birth of his first grandchild. His loss. </p>

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<p>From his warped perspective, if his wife rejects him by divorcing him, breaking up the family unit, and forcing him to pay for wife and by association…children, why should he be on hand to support them for their benefit when he’s left alone. :(</p>

<p>IMO, even if one hates the spouse for initiating the divorce, there’s something seriously wrong about taking it out on one’s own children. That’s effectively offloading one’s own emotional baggage and one’s own responsibilities onto children who had no part and shouldn’t be shouldering the emotional burden for something they had no active role in. That’s not behavior I’d expect from a well-adjusted adult. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, plenty of such bitter divorced men have similar mentalities and some join “Men’s Rights Organizations” organizations which provide reinforcement of such views. Many others who don’t and cannot let go tend to recount their tales of woe in marriage/divorce with anyone who they feel will listen sympathetically…other male employees/friends. </p>

<p>I also know of a few women who walked out on their kids when they were young children, had little/no contact with them despite the father’s and childrens’ pleadings, and then obliviously wondered why 10-15 years later their now established adult children refuse to have anything to do with them. </p>

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<p>Stories like these make me so happy that my parents handled their divorce in the best way possible. My Dad has never said anything about my Mom that wasn’t nice (they divorced when I was 6). Mom did the same and always encouraged our relationship.</p>

<p>When I called my Dad to tell him that Mom had died suddenly, he literally went to pieces on the phone. In spite of their stellar behavior all those years, I didn’t see that coming.</p>

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<p>I’ve got a friend pending now. In mid-June, when the spouse balked at alimony, made a ridiculously low offer, the judge set the next date for late July. In the interim, she is getting zip. She earns an amount so low you wouldn’t want your kids to have her job. It’s probably a more unusual case than OPs, and it is a shorter marriage, but it goes to show you. </p>

<p>OP seems to say the forgotten savings account is something “we” set up. So, sounds like marital assets, not separate. </p>

<p>I also have a friend whose ex broke off with the kids for several years. The final decree hangs on selling the house. The price is too high (she wants to get $X dollars in her half of the sale) so no sale, over a few years.</p>

<p>I don’t think any of us are trying to heap OP with scare stories. But in the end, she has a large role in making this work for her. She and her kids should be her priority, not him. Not only can one side balk, but attorneys and mediators can miss a detail. In my bff’s case, she looks back and realizes every point that saved her butt over the last 7 years, was one she insisted on.</p>

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<p>OP - I am a SAHM and pay all of our bills. Are you the one who currently pays all the bills or is it your DH? The reason I’m wondering is that if you are the one paying the bills then you know exactly how much it costs to keep your household running as is and how much money is really left over at the end of the month. So you should already know if you are actually going to be able to be supported in the way you are accustomed to now.
If you aren’t the one paying all the bills then I’d start checking into it because it may come as a shock as to how much or little there is left at the end of each month… </p>

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<p>“From his warped perspective, if his wife rejects him by divorcing him, breaking up the family unit, and forcing him to pay for wife and by association…children, why should he be on hand to support them for their benefit when he’s left alone.”</p>

<p>He walked in one night after work. My sister said, “how are hotdogs for dinner?” His reply was, “I want a divorce” and he handed her the papers. He left her. He already had an apt. in NYC and it was obvious had been planning it for awhile. My sister was taken completely by surprise. </p>

<p>He wouldn’t even go with her to tell the girls. She had to drive up to the summer camp where they were working and tell them by herself. </p>