<p>Justfor, good for you for telling your kids psych family history. Hiding it makes it ‘bad’ and as unlikely as it is, if any family started to have psychosis it would be considered hush hush and they would feel embarrassed and not seek help readily. Would one keep a secret if she had diabetes? Lupus etc? No, demystifying it and being told as a matter of fact is definitely good.</p>
<p>If it’s your husband, he certainly should know you well enough to know what stories you didn’t want to reveal. Oh yeah, let’s throw it out there at a nice family dinner. Geez, why did you have a right to think anything was a “secret”? Whoops, my bad.</p>
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<p>If I share something with my husband of a very intimate and confidential nature, I absolutely expect him to respect that. And vice versa. Isn’t that the very essence of intimacy? My husband has shared things with me that he has never told anyone else. I would NEVER betray that trust. By asking me to keep a confidence, I guess that is him “dictating” what I may or may not say? We also have “shared experiences” that common sense would tell me I don’t blab about at family dinners, certainly without explicit agreement.</p>
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<p>No kidding. </p>
<p>@mominva – I’d add that my personal experience is that this sort of contextual or detail-oriented memory seems to get a lot more difficult with age. It definitely is a lot more difficult these days for me to “source” my memory (remembering where I learned something, or remembering who I have told something to). I’m age 60 and have experienced every one of the problems listed under the title “Normal Age Related Forgetfulness” listed at <a href=“Age-Related Memory Loss - HelpGuide.org”>HelpGuide.org; </p>
<p>I don’t know the context and emotional resonance in the OP’s case – that is, I don’t know whether the OP’s secrets are things that she has made a big deal of in the past, – or the level of seriousness in terms of how others would view the need for secrecy – so the OP would be the only one who would know whether these secrets were so major that anyone know that they probably shouldn’t be divulged… as opposed to simply things that fall on the spectrum of being potentially embarrassing but not particularly unusual. </p>
<p>However, I do think that that it can be toxic to a marriage when partners are in the habit of assuming that statements and actions are intentional or malicious (rather than accidental or inadvertent), in the absence of evidence to the contrary. I think this is a pattern of thought that marriage counselor’s refer to as “mind-reading.”</p>
<p>My mother was married before she married my dad. She had the marriage annulled (she was Catholic), and I didn’t find out until she was 88, and I was going through some of her personal documents for an unrelated reason. It made no difference to me, but it was her secret to keep. I don’t keep a lot of secrets myself, but there are things that are embarrassing, personal and private, that are not fodder for dinner conversation. hardtoknow was clearly hurt by this revelation.Does she really have to justify that feeling?</p>
<p>Bottom line, to me: he’s saying or doing things and you’re mortified and bewildered how to respond. The ruckus dies down when you keep your mouth shut.</p>
<p>As reported by OP, neither is good. I don’t think we can sort this out. In most relationships, there’s a mix and ebb/flow needed to successfully get along. Counseling will help. If he won’t go, OP still can.</p>
<p>Btw, there is a limitation to “sandwich technique,” where you couch a complaint between two positives: Done too often, it can get so that the instant you offer a compliment, the other reacts, “Cripes, what did I do wrong, this time?”</p>
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<p>I’ve known some folks like the OP’s H who’d trot out embarrassing secrets or things which common sense/discretion should have told them to keep secret. Many of them ended up socially isolated…and somehow they feel the need to whine “Why did I lose friends?” “Why am I socially isolated?” “Why do people act like I have a contagious disease?”</p>
<p>I tend to be quite frank about how that very behavior of revealing embarrassing secrets or matters which common sense/discretion should have told them to keep secret is considered by many to be a manifestation of a serious character flaw. </p>
<p>Unless they change it, people who end up being embarrassed and betrayed and their friends/loved ones will treat them accordingly. </p>
<p>And it gets worse when the secret concerned turns out to be demonstrably false, the level of outrage and feeling of betrayal only escalates. </p>
<p>Hope you read the whole thread for the fuller story. And generally, telling someone his or her behavior “is considered by many to be a manifestation of a serious character flaw” is inflammatory. This is a marriage. Think about it.</p>
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<p>Unless I’m mistaken, one key factor in whether a marriage is solid and lasts is whether the spouses involved have earned each other’s trust enough to know they have each other’s back and never betray each other in ways which are hurtful to the other. </p>
<p>I would think keeping secrets and embarrassing info a spouse has specifically requested to be kept secret and not divulged to others is a critical part of earning and maintaining that trust. </p>
<p>The cavalier manner in which some spouses of friends treated their secrets/embarrassing info by divulging it to others has been a key factor in some of my friends’ divorces. </p>
<p>The best understanding of how individual marriages work is to have personal experience with marriage. </p>
<p>And once again, surprise, there just happen to be friends whose marriages dissolved for the exact, specific reason mentioned a few posts back, and of course they shared the intimate details of the problems in their marriages and reason for dissolution with someone outside the relationship. Right… </p>
<p>I’d add this: this thread started because the OP was considering leaving her marriage. There is no indication that the husband wants out – she’s upset with the way he treats her, but he doesn’t seem to be upset with the status quo. If the OP wants to rely on DH to keep her secrets – if she were to leave the marriage, then all bets are off. In a divorce, the ex-partners have every motivation to hurt and “get back” at the other, especially if they themselves feel betrayed. It may be that the husband is a thoughtless jerk – but his own perception of the situation may be that he’s a good provider who has been faithful to his wife, and pulls his weight around the house, or at least in the kitchen - so he could very well feel like the victim if his wife suddenly announces she is leaving. </p>
<p>Again, there’s no such thing as a “secret” that someone else knows. Some people are better at keeping secrets than others, but some people have a hard time keeping their mouths shut. Of course one hopes that the confidences of a marriage will be preserved by a spouse - but ex-spouses? If it is that important to the OP – if the OP still has anything else in her past hat she would rather not have discussed openly among her children and extended family… then divorce is risky business. </p>
<p>W/O reading entire post, I do think that someone has to be happy with them-self. One can choose how to handle adversity in life. </p>
<p>Then how one handles a relationship - this long time marriage.</p>
<p>If someone feels better about them-self - that is very helpful.</p>
<p>However if one cannot feel better about them-self because of some much overshadowing negativity, which perhaps includes emotional and physical abuse, that is another matter.</p>
<p>Sometimes a separation and/or divorce introduces many complications. Is it worthwhile to ‘break through’ to a better life for yourself? What about other loved ones - your children.</p>
<p>Best to have a plan. Not jump w/o lots of thought and planning.</p>
<p>So spouses shouldn’t share intimate secrets with each other because someday they might get divorced and the ex-spouse will blab? Yeah, could be. We do take a chance when we become intimate with someone and open up our vulnerable selves. Our hearts could end up broken, our secrets exposed to the world.</p>
<p>But that’s not the case here. In this case the still married spouse has betrayed a confidence of long standing or has exposed past events which have embarrassed or humiliated his wife AT THE DINNER TABLE. I don’t understand why there is a defense of these actions and finger wagging at the wife for either sharing confidences or expecting her husband to respect them. </p>
<p>She has every right to feel betrayed or disrespected by her husband. How she handles this is another matter, but he behaved very badly.</p>
<p>Or stay in an unhappy marriage, because he’s got something on you. That sounds nice.</p>
<p>I do think there is something to the advice above that it’s worth reconsidering what we each think we have in our backgrrounds that is so scandalous. When I was in my 30’s I learned both my grandmothers had had illegal abortions after having three kids each which really challenged my views of their lives rather than seeing them forever as the “perfect” Catholic women I saw. I don’t think it hurts for people to acknowledge life and being a young adult/young mother is more complex. </p>
<p>But, of course, your husband should have kept his mouth shut. </p>
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<p>All certainly valid if the reassessment is made by the person whose privacy is at stake. Certainly it’s not the place for a spouse to make a unilateral decision to reveal personal details in an ambush type of manner as the OP’s husband did.</p>
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<p>Totally agree.</p>
<p>If my DH felt my family needed to know something of a personal manner that I had confided in him, or that he was aware of by virtue of being present in my life at the time, he’d approach me lovingly and respectfully to discuss it. At the end of the day, however, if I didn’t agree, he would respect my decision. </p>
<p>That’s how people who love and respect each other deal with situations of this type.</p>
<p>Well, I feel for the OP. I knew my ex-fiancé since we were 15. At age 56, we were eating with his younger cousin, whom he saw once every few years. He started to share my secret with her. I warned him to stop, as only my parents and he knew this secret, and a distant relative of his was not someone I felt i wanted this intimate knowledge to be known. After several warnings, I left the restaurant and walked home. If I wanted to be mean, I would have driven the car home, which was mine. He was furious I embarrassed him in front of his cousin. </p>
<p>I wish I could say I left him that night, but it took a few more incidents. I am much older and smarter now, and I would tolerate NOT ONE such invasion of privacy. Of course, I share no secrets. </p>
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Yes, but who is doing the dictating? Sounds like the OP may be the one who is dictating to the husband what he may and may not say.</p>
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<p>Well, of course the person who shares the secret with a spouse has the right to “dictate” who can be told. When a friend tells me a secret, that friend has the right to say, “M2CK, you can’t tell anyone this,” and I have to respect that. Certainly, those in a committed relationship should honor each other’s secrets. </p>
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<p>I tend to be quite frank about how that very behavior of revealing embarrassing secrets or matters which common sense/discretion should have told them to keep secret is considered by many to be a manifestation of a serious character flaw.</p>
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<p>This is what I was referring to upthread. The OP needs to calmly explain to her H that when he reveals private info in such an inappropriate setting, HE IS THE ONE that looks bad. He’s the one who looks like the H who is disrespecting his wife. That won’t win points with sane people. </p>
<p>Again, I think he was trying to “dirty up” the OP a bit but it likely backfired and H has egg on his face.</p>
<p>If I were OP I would find out if H did it out of maliciousness or out of ignorance. If H didn’t know better, I would explain to him why it was inappropriate. If he did it to be mean then OP needs to decide if she wants to continue to put up with it. She is not going to know without talking to her H.</p>
<p>Personally I think that when a spouse does or says something that upsets you, you should speak to him or her about it. If I kept quiet, it would just simmer beneath the surface and then eventually I would erupt over something totally unrelated. I have to get it out in the open. I do think you should raise the subject with him in a loving way, but nonetheless you need to tell him what he said was unappreciated and in your view inappropriate.</p>
<p>OP I think your H is trying - the apology was a good start. And a man that can cook and is willing to do so? I might be inclined to put up with a few things for that deal. (My H will only do the grill.) So if your H can make a few adjustments on the social front, think he might be a keeper!</p>