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<p>And it’s not only behavior which undermines and destroys trust, a critical component needed not only in marriage, but also many other relationships such as friendships and even professional ones. </p>
<p>Especially ones where discretion in dealing with business/client confidential information is critical. </p>
<p>The issue IS marriage, cobrat. And how to deal with these marriage issues. </p>
<p>Cobrat, you make a good point.</p>
<p>OP…explain to your H that when he reveals privately shared info to others, he is sending the message to those folks that HE CAN’T be trusted with THEIR private info…that is something for him to ponder.</p>
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<p>@oldfort I agree…BUT…my guess is that EVEN if he did it out of maliciousness, he’s not likely going to admit that. Rather, he’s likely going to take the “easy way out,” and say something like, “oh, I was just teasing you. You’re too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Nobody cares about what I said.” And, more likely than not, he’s not in touch with his real feelings so he may not even realize that he did have a passive/aggressive “get back at DW” thing going on. It can take a good bit of inner-reflection for some to realize what motivated inappropriate behavior. I remember a particularly annoying thing that my H did…it took him over 15 years to realize what his motivation was. </p>
<p>I think if H did it purposely he would be more defensive - “Oh, you are making too big of a deal out of it,” “You are too sensitive”…But if he was ignorant and he cared about OP’s feelings then he would be more inclined to listen to her. </p>
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<p>That and those who use the "“Oh, you are making too big of a deal out of it” sound like overgrown children/teens. </p>
<p>Well, at least you haven’t declared them bourgeois bullies.</p>
<p>When H or DDs say ‘put downs’ about me, I address it right away, very calmly calling a spade a spade. When they counter “I really didn’t mean it” - then be careful about what you say and how you say things.</p>
<p>I freely admit I have flaws, just like everyone else. H and DDs clearly know what my flaws are. They learn to appreciate my many gifts which has been helpful to this family.</p>
<p>Married 35 years, and can say happily.</p>
<p>Just ran into this and thought it’s worth a share. Many probably heard of this sort of study. It’s from The Atlantic, 11/9/14. <a href=“Lasting Relationships Rely on 2 Traits”>Lasting Relationships Rely on 2 Traits;
<p>^^^</p>
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<p>Read more: <a href=“The Secret to Love Is Just Kindness - The Atlantic”>The Secret to Love Is Just Kindness - The Atlantic;
<p>It just makes sense…but I don’t think if just one spouse has those traits that things will work out. I can think of situations where one spouse is “kind and generous” and the other spouse isn’t and the nice spouse gets taken advantage of. </p>
<p>^ I found this interesting: “One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions…disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her.”</p>
<p>Aside from the fact that I saw myself in that example (ha, D1,) it does suggest we try to step back and not assume the worst in the other.</p>
<p>None of this is easy. Sometimes, there is a problem and sometimes, not. Somehow, part of relationships is that we have to figure it out. Much as I agree a partner should show respect, sometimes we need to look for some perspective- and still, somehow, not be a doormat who always explains things away and ends up with the burden.</p>
<p><<<
An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her.</p>
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<p>More likely, he had nothing on his mind when he did that…he just grew up in a household where it wasn’t expected/trained to put the seat down. </p>
<p>That said, it helps if both try to honor each other’s reasonable requests, as well as over-looking each other’s reasonable faults. </p>
<p>Some people aren’t tolerant of any minor faults of their spouse.</p>
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<p>This is one of the bigger challenges in marriage, I think. The toilet seat left up, dishes left in the sink when the empty dishwasher is right next to it, clothes left on the floor, females taking up all available space on the bathroom counter or in the closet, men leaving the rubble from shaving in the sink, and other annoying habits are things that can grate on a partner. But these are essentially the “small stuff,” while cruelty, infidelity, substance abuse, physical or emotional abuse, dishonesty, and the like are things which should not be swept under the rug. They must be dealt with, or the marriage either ends in divorce or brings chronic unhappiness to the partners, when it should be a source of love, mutual support, and personal contentment.</p>
<p>A big issue here is what to bring up and what you can/should let slide. </p>
<p>I (too often) apologize or let things go to make life move more smoothly. Sometimes that works and sometimes it backfires - as it leaves the impression that his behavior was acceptable. </p>
<p>At some point you will need to bring up issues like this so dh realises how his comments or actions make you feel. As long as you can bring up this issue (without pulling in old arguments) and letting him know how you feel - and then move on from there.</p>
<p>^^
Sometimes “time and place” are things to strongly consider when bringing up an issue. When in the “thick of it,” I know that H isn’t often willing to really listen to what my complaint is…but if I mention it the next day, he’s more receptive. Emotions can prevent the processing of logic.</p>
<p>My observation is that in marriages that have lasted for a long time, there is often one partner who is very easy going and lets a lot of things “slide.” This works well so long as that paradigm stays in place. The problems arise when and IF that person gets fed up or evolves and thinks: why is it always me making things work? He or she then begins to look for some accommodating in return. The proverbial “cheese” is moved and the less accommodating partner can’t adjust to the change. I have seen this time and time again with close friends who are either divorced or separated. </p>
<p>@HarvestMoon1 I am that person. Good explanation. </p>
<p>OP here. Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. To be honest, I started to feel better after I posted as for me, venting helps. A few comments…first, no alcohol involved. Second, I truly believe that one shouldn’t share another’s story – if I was ready for my kids or other family members to know about the indiscretions of my youth it’s my story to tell, not someone else’s. This is something dh, the kids and I have discussed as a value we all agree on.</p>
<p>As to dh’s motivation, he loves being the center of attention, making jokes and having people laugh, etc. I’ve seen time and time again where he gets going and that’s where I think he forgets his filter or his boundaries become blurry. He doesn’t have malicious intent; rather, imho, his ego gets involved and he let’s his better judgement slide as he goes for the laugh.</p>
<p>Python20, yes, I struggle with what to bring up and when as we went through a phase where it was fair game to bring up every little thing. It was terrible for both of us. Bringing up almost nothing since we dropped our youngest off at college at the end of summer has resulted in a much kinder, more pleasant dh. Letting this one slide is tough as it’s a big one; on the other hand, I’m so appreciative of how much more pleasant my house is these days…</p>
<p>Also, I want to give a shout out to oldfort. I hope you’re doing okay and that you had a good holiday. You’ve been kind to share your story here and I wish you all the best.</p>
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<p>I understand your dilemma. There is the one extreme of bringing up every little thing and as you see, that did not go well. There is the other extreme (the mode you are in at present) where you let everything slide for the sake of keeping the peace and not upsetting your spouse and it results in things going smoothly. The problem with the latter is that you can loose your own self-worth to never speak up and have a say in your own affairs, as well as not ever expressing your true thoughts and feelings. There are times, like the example you gave in this situation, where I think for your own self worth, you should speak up, even though not speaking up would be “smoother.” But the repercussions of that are hurt feelings that are not being expressed and the other party thinking it is OK to do this again…all in the name of keeping the peace. I think you might wish to consider speaking up in a kind manner and acknowledging that you don’t think your husband meant to hurt or disrespect you, but share how it feels to have had this happen and how strongly you request that you don’t wish him to do this sort of thing again. You can even acknowledge that it may not seem problematic from his standpoint, but for you it is. Just say you needed to speak up so that it doesn’t fester and so that he’ll know how you felt and you hope he cares about your feelings and can respect this request going forward. Then, hopefully if he listens respectfully, THEN let it go. I know you can’t control his reaction, but I think never speaking up (while it does keep things calm) has long term negative repercussions for you as a person and for you both as a couple. I think you will ultimately feel better if you know you’ve been heard. </p>
<p>hardtoknow,
Thanks for coming back. I was in the camp that your H wasn’t malicious, but lost his rudder.
I will share something we learned from a relative a long, long time ago. It was to agree to use a code word to curtail behavior that was bordering on getting out of hand.
Once spoken by your spouse, it is time to regroup. It could be a phrase: ‘I have a concern’ or a word ‘DRIP’ which stands for ‘Don’t Rag In Public’.
I agree with soozie that neither extreme fosters a healthy relationship. Sometimes there was a follow-up discussion, sometimes not. But using those codes at least got the other to recognize something was troubling.</p>
<p>OP - thank-you for your shout out. I had a very nice Thanksgiving with my family. Things are better between me and my ex. We can actually talk now for a period of time without hostility. We went out for dinner as a family for D2’s 21st birthday and we had a very nice evening. It was always Ex’s job to put up the xmas tree in our house, so he is going to do the same this year because he doesn’t want the girls not to have a tree. Both of us are doing our best not to disrupt our girls’ life as much as possible. This journey has not been easy for me, but I am getting used to peace and quiet at home. I am lonely sometimes, but there is a certain calm I feel within myself.</p>