@deb922 In the cases you mention do you think the parents providing the financial help are doing so out of some kind of need of their own? In one case in my own extended family, I think I’d describe it as a kind of codependency. This couple seems to favor their adult child who doesn’t handle finances well and has bailed that child out several times. Meanwhile, their child that is fiscally prudent and doing well is the less favored child. It’s like the parents like and enjoy feeling needed and providing the support, like it gives them a purpose and importance. The need of the adult child is equated for love in a sense. I’ve never understood it.
It wasn’t just the female friends who were fellow college classmates or in my same age group. They also include many female friends who are current undergrads or recent graduates as well in the urban NE. In fact, some nieces still in HS have mentioned this dynamic is still in force at their respective NE suburban public/private schools.
deb922, I know several people who are supporting their adult kids financially (including my sister and her husband). In their case, their adult daughters have husbands (2 incomes) but some how can’t make it financially. My sister and her husband not only watch the kids 3 days a week, but they also pay for preschool and help pay for other things that come up. They are very close to their daughters (text or speak to them at least 5 to 8 times a day) and don’t seem to mind helping. I try to keep this in mind when I am too judgmental as it really isn’t my business BUT they are both adults and I really don’t think this is helping them in the long run. (There I go again… at least I keep it to myself and the cc community.)
@doschicos, I do think there is some co-dependency there. That they like feeling needed. For my neighbors in their 80’s, I know she and her D are dependent on each other and she likes being needed. Although they have other children that they are very close to, they have their own lives that this D doesn’t. I think he is very tired of the situation but doesn’t know how to change things.
I also see in families that have kids my kids ages, that the parents will use their support as a way of controlling things and keeping the kids close. It’s hard for the kids to leave the nest when they don’t have great jobs and the parents are providing a good place and life for them. I think that there are kids who are trying to find those jobs and leave but there are kids who feel comfortable letting the parents support them.
i was talking to someone and saying that now that my kids are self supporting, we were saving money. For some reason, she wasn’t realizing that we don’t pay car insurance, health insurance or phones anymore. She was still paying that for her similarly aged kids and has never even thought about not.
@deb922 Do your friends and neighbors want to adopt me?
In all seriousness, Parents do their kids no favors if they enable them to continue to be fiscally dependent, unless this meets an unmet need in the parents. I have a relative who cannot/will not let go of his now grown kids who don’t even handle their own finances. Seems he needs to feel “important” and in being so controlling its having the opposite effect. Then he complains about his finances. And he might" even consider going back to work himself. Good. As long as he doesn’t expect others to fill his emptying pockets.
Our posts crossed, @deb922 . Totally agree about the codependency.
I, too, am willing to be adopted 
I was at my in-laws a few weekends ago and my MIL was doing my BIL’s taxes. His taxes are simple and he’s getting married in a few months. He is in his mid-late 20s and has been working full time for a few years. All she did was plug his numbers into TT or whatever software she uses but I (personally) still thought it was weird. I figure by that age, he can plug his own numbers in…
But that’s nothing compared to deb’s story o.O
I asked my now H out on our first date over 30 years ago and paid for it as well (it was a formal). None of us were accused of being “promiscuous” for this. I certainly would have no problem w my daughter asking a guy out.
Just a few years ago, we heard from
DS that a particular female was unfairly labeled by many as being desperation to find a BF because she likely took more initiatives in the dating world. This happened not long ago, in a relatively liberal part of NE (where the gay and women’s right is relatively well recognized) and these young people were in their 20s (albeit not 20 or 21 yo.)
The long standing social scripts still go strong, if what I heard of is true.
Arguably speaking, we still pay many of DS’s expenses (cell phone’s bill, etc.) even though he has been contributing to the pool of money with his student loans. (BTW, we really do not distinguish what part is his money and which part is our money – so occasionally he still thinks he uses our money but this is not factually true. This is because he has been contributing to the pool of money he drew from for paying what he needs by borrowing more and more student loans each year. Our contribution, so-called parents’s contribution in the financial aid term, is to help limiting his indebtedness on the side while we still can, otherwise he may owe significantly more.)
This wins the medal!
I hate to,say it…but my kids are my kids. While I expect them to be self supporting, I am more than willing to pitch in and help them if need be.
We are in our 60’s and we sort of still support our late 20’s to an extent. Do we earn an honorable mention? LOL.
I knew of a case: An old couple in their 80’s support two of their grandchildren (5-6 yo.) It will be a very long support – till the grandsons will be graduated from college. They may not be able to survive till that day when the grandchildren graduate from college.
We still support our mid-20s child who continues to work to overcome long term chronic health issues. She and we hope that eventually, she will be self-supporting.
Our s’s knew we’d pay for undergrad but they’d be responsible for any grad/professional school costs of they chose that route. That said, if my kids were still in school (grad or professional) and needed some financial support, we’d happily help with things like paying their phone bill (family plan with unlimited data is still in effect), health insurance, travel home to visit, and any emergency. But we would not put our kids on our long term retirement plan. No way would we pay to support children who were capable of supporting themselves. If they couldn’t that would be a different story. We’d explore options and resources.
I think we did all these, plus “parents’s contributions” as determined by school’s financial aid office, but very little else. (car insurance as well, and a second-hand car. Well…a little bit more on keeping the cap of his student loans.)
While the 80 yo helping a 61 yo seems a bit much, I know someone facing the opposite. Through enormous medical bills for a child followed by a disability, he is about to lose his home. He has one kid in college and one at home and no other parent involved. He also has family members with substantial resources that are not willing to help him over this very difficult patch. Of course, only hearing it from his side and I am sure there is more to the story, including some mental health challenges. It would be very hard for me to allow my adult children and my grandchildren to become homeless if I could assist in some way. That, to me, is very different than supplementing income to allow my kid to buy a bigger house or go on fancy vacations, which I would not do.
I have friends whose parents helped out with expenses along the way and who supplied a very nice chunk of college funding. I don’t think it made them less willing to work or be good parents. But it sure took the pressure off when the kids were applying to college.
Mom2and,
Bear with me while I vent- (not at you, but about a moocher relative)
We have a relative who has been historically very poor with money management. Looked for, asked for, expected and took constant handouts/bailouts from his father (all the way until his father was quite elderly) yet he and his family always seemed to need the newest gadget, expensive toys and best of everything. He talks about getting a job (he hasn’t worked in about 5 years and won’t seem to look for a job in the areas in which he is employable) seems to think he has to control everything, including his 3 adult children who he won’t let go of the vice grip and won’t allow to be independent adults (and they aren’t trying very hard either, so it seems from the outside). Now, if they (this family) had been handling their finances reasonably and appropriately and then suddenly some medical or financial emergency befell them and they were in a a financial pickle, we’d be happy to help. We have paid for plenty for them in the past. But enough. They are moochers and seem to think others should fund their lifestyle. Slowly over time the family members have tightened up their wallets to these moochers. Lately they have been to whine about the stock market and running out of money (they are living off his pension and the $ his father left him, which was not insignificant) and their pension barely covering their mortgage. Sorry, the bank of relative is closed. If they end up homeless, it’s their own doing, over years and years of major financial mismanagement. So, the reason for this vent-- as you so wisely said, there is probably more to the story of the person who might lose his home. In our case, we will help those who help themselves. In your story, as you said, we don’t know the history. If the extended family are cold hearted misers, that’s terrible. But if they are tired of giving handouts, that’s another. Either any, that’s very sad about a disability and a child’s illness.
^I think everyone has a relatibe like that. In our case, it’s distant enough to get involved. Although he came to us when all his immediate family refused.
I assume the 60 yo is able bodied and could support self instead of relying on 80 yo parent. Otherwise, it a nonissue. I plan to help out my kid in grad school. I consider it different but it’s possible the line isn’t so clear.
Agree jym, that a moocher should not be helped. But in this case, the family was completely self-supporting, had a good 401K (which has now been pretty much emptied). The kid required health care that they thought insurance would pay for, but did not. The single parent lost a job because of taking care of the kid and missing work and then had an accident that made them disable (along with some depression issues). Decisions were made assuming that the parent would be able to work and make up the money spent, as he had in the past. Were there some bad decisions made? Perhaps, but hindsight is 20/20. At close to 60, it is hard to get a job especially with a disability. There are no programs to help people who have fallen onto hard times until they literally have nothing. There is no housing. It is really hard to watch someone who had a normal, middle class life and was not living beyond his means be facing this situation.
It is possible that this friend asked for handouts in the past and the relatives are done. But certainly did not live an extravagant life.
Any young people spend differently than people of retirement age. How differently? It depends on the details of each specific person. We spend very differently than we were spending 30 years ago. For starters, I got bored with shopping altogether and simply stop shopping. Thank goodness that my H. likes it so our fridge is always full. But I got so lazy, I do not want to go thru sorting the clothes over and over and pack them for salvation army. I decided that it is not worth my time. So, I stopped buying them or for that matter anything else. However, we bought our second home, and our kids do not need this type of purchase, which we did not need 30 years ago either. My S’s kids will start colleges soon, so he will have totally different expenses than he is having now. So, I would say that there are huge differences in any specific person’s finances depending on the life period that they are currently in and these differences are unavoidable.