<p>Man, given how long my relatives live, I have no idea what will be left to divide–eventually. I can understand if parents NEED to leave more to relatives with “special needs,” but would have to admit that like Bay, I doubt most parents have intimate knowledge of their children’s actual financial situations (especially when none have asked for “bailouts”).</p>
<p>Fair and equal are not the same, but it can cause a lot of hurt feelings when finances are left "unequally, no matter what is said or what the reasoning is. In our culture, often the males got all the inheritance & were “supposed to” provide for the females (or the females were wupposed to marry someone who could cover all their financial needs) but this was not done in ways the females had hoped and the children who did/didn’t receive according to such policies still talk about it many decades later as it has affected their long term financial situations and causes ruffled feelings & worse.</p>
<p>I would only divide my estate unequally if one of my children were mentally or physically disabled to a degree that would make it unlikely that she could support herself. Otherwise, anything but a 50/50 split would feel unfair and unkind.</p>
<p>And then there are the parents who THINK they know about their children’s finances and write their wills accordingly. I am the oldest of 5 children. My parents have chosen to split their estate in this way–40% to my financially inept sister, 30% to my middle brother who is in no financial peril (but my parents are convinced his career is shaky-not true BTW) and 10% each to myself and my 2 younger brothers (because they think our financial futures are secure).</p>
<p>When my parents wrote their wills about 10 years ago, the 2nd oldest was made executor and I was given their health care poa’s. The only reason I know of how they chose to split their estate is because my brother, the executor, shared the info with me. </p>
<p>To be clear, my parents have every right to divide their estate in any way they so choose. In fact, I have always told them to enjoy themselves and spend it all. The biggest problem I foresee is that my middle brother will be devastated by their lack of confidence in him. He will be embarrassed and insulted and, at that point, it will be impossible for him to set them straight or get any real closure on the matter.</p>
<p>My sister, OTOH, may say she’s insulted but, knowing her as well as I do, will see the 40% as a statement of their loving her more. Ridiculous, but true. The sad thing is that my sister has a disabled child who will need care after she & my BIL pass. If my parents were smart, they would establish a trust for him with that 40% and name someone they trust with money to administer it.</p>
<p>The 3 of us 10%ers, knowing our parents as we do, will recognize their backhanded compliment.</p>
<p>I guess what I’m getting at is that while how a parent divides their estate doesn’t necessarily reflect how much they love someone, it most certainly can make a statement about how the parent views each child and that view can be very hurtful, even if unintended.</p>
<p>My EX-husband’s family continually “favored” his brother. I say that because it stunted his (brother) development. My X never wanted more than one child, because he said he could never deal with how badly “favortism” could hurt people.</p>
<p>My sister was born with a birth defect and a chronic disease. My father once showed me a brokerage account he and my mother had opened in her name the year she was born because they knew she would need extra help.</p>
<p>It turns out my sister was wildly successful in business and married an extremely wealthy man. Now widowed and retired, she is a multi-millionaire who will never need to work another day in her life.</p>
<p>Shows how wrong a parent’s well-intentioned assessment of their childrens’ “needs” can be.</p>
<p>I honestly think grandparents should leave their money to grandchildren. The parents of those grandchildren should already be taken care of with large retirement plans.</p>
<p>Large retirement plans? That’s quite a big assumption. Not everyone is employed by an organization that offers a large retirement plan to its employees. Perhaps many on CC work for such organizations but there is a large portion of America that is not as fortunate.</p>
<p>I would not be. I know my husband would not be. </p>
<p>I do not know how to convey this any better than I already have; that money is not mine, I am not entitled to it. If someone leaves me something, that’s very nice. If they leave someone else, including a sibling more, that does not change how I feel about what they left me. </p>
<p>How you got that from what I wrote, I have no idea. Our siblings are among the kindest people we know, so please, save your saddness for someone else. </p>
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<p>Again, are you responding to what I wrote? Because I did not address this issue at all. </p>
<p>In my case, I do not have extensive knowledge of my siblings finances. But I am confident that the sibling with the Harvard MBA makes quite a bit more than the teacher. So, in our case, once our son is college educated, we’re going to leave a portion of our estate to help pay for our neices and nephews college. </p>
<p>Again, if the sibiling with the Harvard MBA or their children choose to pout and generate hurt feelings because we so clearly did not love them equally because they believe that money is a dead-on accurate measure of love then, really, I’ll be in the afterlife wishing I had not left them a dime.</p>
<p>I adore my sibilings and their children. We are each others best friends. Money is just not how we measure love in our families. That’s all.</p>
<p>I want to add that my attitude towards this has been shaped in equal measure by being raised by a mother, an only child, whose own parents equated love with money and how much it hurt her until she learned to detach, so she was very careful to not do that. The other, equally important part is watching how miserable money from parents can make adult children.</p>
<p>I’ve heard more adult children complain about what their parents spent on their holiday gifts in comparison to a sibling who “always gets more” even though “they don’t need it” than I’ve ever heard children complain about gifts they have recieved. </p>
<p>This attitude continues right on through weddings, a first down payment and all the way to the reading of the will. It’s just so, well, unattractive and also, it’s completely voluntary! I think that’s what gets me the most. That and just watching the pain generated…all over paper.</p>
<p>I am aware of two families who each have 4 adult children, each sibling group has one kid who is not very functional- not physically disabled, but just making poor choices in so many ways all their lives. Both of these ‘kids’ think nothing of having s parentor sibling provide their housing needs. Both of these kids have been a financial and emotional drain on their families. Both of these kids have made so very many poor choices that put them in this situation yet see themselves as victims of society and think society, and their families, owe them a living.</p>
<p>In both families, the other siblings haven’t got any level of respect for the victim sibling. In one family, the parents are dividing their small estate equally with instructions that an annuity be purchased for the bad-with-money kid. In the other family, it appears those parents will leave the lion’s share to the victim isb, as the others are ‘okay’</p>
<p>In our office we get to hear the stories as people make these decisions and it is interesting to hear the various takes on similar situations. I think I agree with the first family, the victim sib is a victim of a lifetime of bad choices, why give her any extra money which she will just fritter away as she has so many times in the past. At least the other kids will do something with it to benefit the grand kids.</p>
<p>I also must admit, if I were older and richer and had grand kids, if i had more money than I needed for my daily needs, I would definitely want to use it to provide experiences for my grand children, to better their lives, so I can see the point of some money going to grand kids.</p>
<p>“If more of Mom’s estate goes to my siblings who need it, and less, or none, goes to me, I will still know my parents loved me. I don’t attach dollar figures to love.”</p>
<p>I happen to agree with this. DW does not. Weird. Perhaps I’d feel differently if I needed the money.</p>
<p>Yes, it is funny how little or material things can mean so much or so little to different people. As a parent, that is where I see the danger in apportioning my childrens’ inheritance in any way other than equally. We may think we have done an awesome job of teaching our kids that “money is money and love is love,” but the reality is that we may have failed in this and don’t even know it. Unequal bequests have struck a profound emotional nerve with so many people since forever. </p>
<p>We all know that parents can unintentionally do so much emotional damage to their kids without even knowing it. I would never want to take the chance that one of my kids might not have “gotten” the “money-is-money” thing, and be hurt by my unequal bequests. Why take a risk? I can’t imagine rationalizing it with: Well, if my son didn’t understand it, then he didn’t deserve it anyway, and I’m glad I didn’t give him more. That strikes me as pretty heartless and unnecessary.</p>
<p>As have equal when one sibiling or grandchild has special needs (including ones the other siblings may not know about.) I also find the hand wringing about money left to family members who have not pulled their weight to be confusing. The parents wanted to have the peace of mind that when they died, that child would be able to survive. I don’t support that idea but my goodness, I can sympathize with it. Parental love sometimes conflicts with logic and reason. How can people still be surprised by that?</p>
<p>I was speaking about this thread with my husband and he said something I thought was worth repeating, “When I hear people talking about being left ‘less’ than a sibling all I can think about is what I would give to have my brother back for just one day.” </p>
<p>I left that out of my post about how I came to believe what I do. After the death of their oldest son, my in-laws redoubled their efforts to articulate their feelings for their children and the two surviving sons are incredibly close. It’s difficult to imagine what would come between those two but I know one thing that would not; money. </p>
<p>And if I failed to clarify that love is love and money is money to my child, then I failed as a parent and a pie cut to the most equal measurements on Earth is not going to fix that.</p>
<p>Also, my H reminded me that my sister was given considerably more money for a down payment on her first home than I was. I suppose I should spend some time being bitter about that but, really, I’m busy enough as it is.</p>
<p>I agree that money is money and love is love. What I was trying to illustrate in my earlier post was that parents need to carefully consider the feelings of those to whom they are choosing to give MORE of their estate. My middle brother will be wounded by their decision to give him more than an equal share.</p>
<p>I absolutely think it is really, really wrong to use a will as a tool to hurt, manipulate and possibly destroy sibling relationships.
It can have a devastating effect on people. it should be divided equally among siblings unless there is some sort of handicap or provision that need to be set up for a special needs dependent. But even with that said, the outcome may not even be what a parent may expect.
My parents had an old will, that was never updated, however when my mother died, the probate judge deemed the will valid and my parents left everything for my sister and I to divide equally, however my sister had a problem with this because she felt I had everything and that she should get more because she was divorced, single parent etc. etc. Needless to say our relationship has been strained because of this.</p>
<p>milkandsugar: So there can be hard feelings even when there is equal division. How would you have felt if your sister had been left more than you?</p>
<p>Adad, honestly I would have been hurt if it wasn’t even. My parents worked very hard all of there lives to provide for us. Rare vacations, college tuition, etc. It could have worked out differently because my sister was more needy and emotionally dependent on them. But by the same token, my H and I had our struggles financially, we were providing financial support for H mother. We had a few financial setbacks in the past. So in reality no one is more entitled than the other. Everyone’s perspective can be skewed.</p>
<p>I’m not really referring to a situation where there may be a difference in income or assets but none of the kids are financially secure. However, if one of my kids was Bill Gates and another struggling to make it on a social worker’s salary - I’d think it likely Bill Gates would not only understand but encourage a different kind of split. </p>
<p>However, another point is that you never know what could happen in life. Just look at the present economy - people have suffered layoffs, business reversals - some were victims of Madoff etc. A parent might have made assumptions - down the line it could be an altogether different scenario. I’ve seen that happen, too.</p>
<p>There is nothing preventing Bill Gates from giving his share to his sibling, and if parents really believe they have raised their kids “right,” then this is probably what he would do. Then everyone wins.</p>