<p>Getting any information from our only son has been a struggle since age 13. Before that, not much problem. I have better luck than his mother. I know he is breaking away and I do think things will get better soon. He turned 19 a few days ago.
It is like pulling teeth to get any information about his college life. His best friend stayed close to home to attend college. He still comes by the house to talk and occationally spends the night because we are very close to the school he attends. His friend talks about everything that is going on in his life and was one way we kept up with our son when they were togethr in HS. My son did not mind either.
I jokingly told my wife the other day that I might pay for the trip to send my sons best friend to visit our son for a long weekend just to find the answers out to all the questions that I have about our sons well being. LOL</p>
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<p>I have this exact same conversation at least once a week. Drives me crazy.</p>
<p>My youngest sister, who is now 48, lowered the Iron Curtain in 7th grade, just after her 12th birthday, and hasn’t divulged any personal information since. I’m not kidding. It’s almost impossible to have a personal conversation with her, and it IS impossible to have one that she doesn’t initiate and control. It’s name, rank, and serial number, nothing more. Occasionally something major happens that gives a little peek behind the curtain – for instance, she asked for help once when she had a problem in her residency program, and our other sister saw her drink too much a few times when they were living near each other 20 years ago, and once when she was drunk she bragged that she would hook up with guys but give them a fake name and phone number so they could never reach her again. But if she has ever had an emotional relationship with anyone (other than pets, which is a good topic of conversation with her), no one in her family knows about it.</p>
<p>@JHS. Thanks a lot. Before that post, my biggest worry about the future was finding a job after college…</p>
<p>Well, she’s pretty unusual. I offer the story to show that it’s not just boys, and it doesn’t necessarily end. But pretty much everyone looks good by comparison.</p>
<p>Seriously, if you have an 18-year-old who has never gotten into trouble and doesn’t come home wasted, or late, you probably don’t really need to know where he’s going or with whom, and badgering him about it isn’t going to make things any better.</p>
<p>Re my sister, I should probably mention two things. First, our other sister (a middle) has always been over-disclosing. If you asked her what she did last night when she was 18, you would get a minute-by-minute account, with commentary on difficult decisions she made. I’m sure sister #2 thought that contributed to making sister #1 miserable and self-doubting, and there was something to that. Second, it’s been a long time since there’s been any indication of bad behavior. She did grow out of that, as far as we can tell. She just never grew out of an extreme sense of privacy.</p>
<p>Completely agree~ My screen name says it all…he may not be the most communicative kid in the world, but he’s mine, and I couldn’t be prouder of him. He rocks!</p>
<p>If we’re talking the extremes of self-disclosure (as JHS was with his anecdotes about his sisters), I know a woman who, when in college, slept with a guy for the first time and then called her mother excitedly the day after to tell her that she’d lost her virginity.</p>
<p>The hardest part for me with DS is that at least when he was living at home I knew (for the most part) where he was and what he is doing. Now that he is across the country, I miss him and miss knowing the highs/lows of his life. And he doesn’t want to be asked and isn’t a big sharer.</p>
<p>When he was home, dining with him or being in the car were the places he would talk & share.</p>
<p>Become friends with their girlfriend (or friend who happens to be a girl). When S2 invites girls over to the house, I know they will happily tell me what’s going on. Sometimes I have to spring for a meal, but that tends to loosen their lips!</p>
<p>Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. I have 3 boys (15-17-19) and its like pulling teeth to get any information from them at all. At least with the 2 at home I know they are physically/mentally okay, but it is a struggle for me with the 19 year old off at college because I know NOTHING about his life there (and of course I worry about what I don’t know.) When talking to him during his mandatory once a week call home, it seems like I’m doing all the talking and all he does is give me the short answers to my questions. When he was home for breaks at least every once in a while he would want to talk (and I put down anything/everything I was doing for these rare times) but I haven’t found that when he calls. At least I now know its normal, and not just our relationship.</p>
<p>As in most things in life, you can’t want it too much. If you look desperate or ask too many questions, they’ll shut down.</p>
<p>This is a fun thread. My son is also not a big talker and was more so as a younger boy. In my family, we were raised to be comfortable to just share space, breathe the same air and keep company with each other (eg. one person reading the newspaper, another watching TV) without the need of verbal interaction. So I do.</p>
<p>I have two DS. Older is freshman away at college, younger is a HS sophomore. My younger DS loves to talk most of the time. We talk about a lot of stuff. He is pretty open. Older son is a different story. His talking comes in waves… all or nothing. I wish he would call or even text more often. Our best talks have been when we are alone somewhere… out shopping or to lunch. I cherish memories of a college road trip just the two of us took two summers ago. We drove about 600 miles taking turns at the wheel and stayed about 4 nights in hotels. I think we covered more topics- deep, meaningful topics- in the first 5 hour leg of the trip that in his previous 17 years of life! I have friends who say they talk, text, and skype several times a day. Sometimes I feel that twinge of envy, but mostly I feel good that my DS is happy and learning to thrive independently. I have learned to take and savor our conversations as they come along.</p>
<p>oh thank goodness I am not alone in this. Thanks for the thread.</p>
<p>Of course, sometimes I hear about my kid from what gets posted online. He and I are both on a chat group for a sport (though I visit it only occasionally, assuming I can pry myself away from CC), and today he posted a hilarious account of doing his laundry. I had tears running down my face at the office.</p>
<p>At least I found out that a) he’s participating in a sport, b) he attempted do do laundry before he ran out of clothes, c) he was out late Saturday night, d) he now remembers the physics he learned in HS, e) he knows how to get his student ID replaced, and f) and he knows where to buy more laundry detergent when the container breaks.</p>
<p>Otherwise, sounds like college is going well! :D</p>
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<p>I would, but if he had (has?) a girlfriend, I wouldn’t know about her!</p>
<p>I have two girls ahead of a boy. The boy became a teenager today! I don’t know what will happen as he gets older, but he can talk the ears off a stuffed animal. But only when we’re alone. For some reason, I get the grunts and one word answers when other people are around. When we’re alone, he talks in great detail, offers opinions, hopes and dreams and is wickedly funny. But that’s a side of him that he generally only allows me to see. Once in a while he will let his sisters get a peek and they are always shocked. D2 recently told him “when did YOU become a person.” Now that he’s taller than she, he didn’t need to be offended. I hope he will always communicate a little bit with me. He does this other weird thing where he walks around with his clarinet and plays notes and excerpts from songs that portray his mood. So I figure if he stops talking, I can always know his frame of mind by listening to his music.</p>
<p>As the divorced mother of 3 teenage boys, one a freshman at college and the other two are seniors in high school, I can tell you that I sometimes feel as though I live alone (well until I let them put a ping pong table in the living room). All three are totally uncommunicative. Grunts, mumbles and very short answers. My oldest, the one away at college for the first time, will discuss politics, sports, world issues, etc… but will divulge absolutely NO personal information. During his first week away at school, I learned the hard way not to ask too many question - he hung up on me! I was hurt and he did apologize but I have stopped asking if he is ok, if he is eating, if he has made friends, etc… I keep the question to how are you doing in Calc? What tests do you have coming up? Do you need more money? When should I pick you up for Thanksgiving break?</p>
<p>It’s pretty much the same with the other two (who are twins). Between their schooling, work, swim team practices and online gaming in their rooms, I hardly see them or have a chance to talk to them. I think that they would only miss me if the car, food and internet access were cutoff!</p>
<p>I sometimes wonder if some day I will get an invitation to one of their weddings not even knowing that they were ever dating anyone. lol</p>
<p>Fallgirl: I kind of have an opposite problem regarding gf. DS has gf in our small town. Something happened just after DS left in late Aug and now she is not speaking to me (very weird, long story, dealing with something HER strange Mom said I said which isn’t what I said). Have tried talking to her about it but she won’t talk (just smiles and says hello) or respond to text.</p>
<p>Anyways he is across the country going to college and will be home in Dec. They talk every day and he says they are doing fine but that she is dealing with lots of stuff (strange family, she is a hs senior). I’ve told DS it’s going to be weird when he comes in Dec as she’s not welcome at our house due to her decided rudeness (had really hoped it would have been resolved by now). And her family is so weird they won’t be allowed to hang at her house. Note: I do not say anything negative about gf or relationship to him, just wanted him to know that her current actions are rude and wouldn’t want him to deal with issues this way.</p>
<p>Other then that weirdness, I do hear from DS when he needs something which is when I try to throw in those questions to find out a little bit of info.</p>
<p>TY for letting me vent a little…am hoping this will somehow be resolved with gf by the holidays.</p>
<p>S1 / S2 both have classic guys brains – they only talk if they are doing something else, so when they were children we put up a basketball hoop and they would talk to us while we threw free throws. About most anything. S2 had a debilitating illness and we got into the habit of walking, which is another place I find out Important Things. (along with ironing. He likes to keep me company when I iron?!) Mostly though, the really deep stuff I guess at, and try to throw out entry points as an invitation to unload. I also have found that for S2 if I deliberately don’t meet him or talk to him when he gets home, he does better. Needs some quiet, I guess!</p>