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In your position, I’d be hoping for a Turkey Drop.</p>
<p>Our experience may be idiosyncratic, but we found two things that helped:</p>
<p>First, stock the fridge and be around when S is eating between meal meals. Conversation seems to be possible then.</p>
<p>Second, pose questions during conversations that start mostly transactional (this is especially useful now that ShawSon is at college). “Dad, I need a protractor or I think I lost a calculator or …”) After dealing with that, I say, “How’s the math class going? How is the teacher? Are you finding the problem sets challenging? Have you met anyone interesting (or smart) in the class?” This works for a while until he says, “Gotta go. I have to meet someone” or other reason.</p>
<p>Outside of those times and driving, as other people mentioned, conversation in HS was pretty much monosyllabic and non-informative.</p>
<p>As I’ve helped both kids and especially him deal with his educational institutions with respect to learning disabilities, I have more avenues for transactional conversations. My first job was as a professor and I am pretty strong on academic stuff, so both kids ask me for academic advice (“How to deal with evil or annoying teacher?” or “Do you think this paper topic is rich enough?”). I may not know anything about the field, but we can have a bit of a conversation there, wherein I learn as well as try to impart wisdom here and there if I have any. On the personal side, ShawSon told me (in a car going to an airport) that he had a girlfriend but not to tell ShawWife because (correctly) she’d make way too big a deal about it (trying to invite the girl home, etc.). I told her she didn’t know but to be very low-key if he brought it up. So, going to the right person for this advice, he goes for a walk with ShawWife and says, “I’ve got a bit of a problem. Two girlfriends at the same time. Not sure what to do.” Seeks advice. Presents for both from our trip and dropped one and now the other seems to be gone as well, though we don’t know anything current.</p>
<p>Our 16 year old son in pretty uncommunicative at this point. If we ask questions, he shuts down and says we ask too many questions. I have learned to take it anyway I can get it at this point- every once in a while he will start a conversation or start telling me a story, and I will drop anything and everything I am doing to listen. I try not to criticize or critique but just listen, and that seems to help. It takes great effort on my part not to open my big mouth and ruin the moment! I have also found that when his friends are over, they talk to me a lot and inadvertently give me information . At these times, my son will often join in and talk more. </p>
<p>This is our 4th of 4, with a 12 year age spread, so we have seen the before and after- they do become much nicer as they age. Send them away to college for a couple of years and they usually come back as human beings (usually). From another viewpoint, our oldest son told me EVERYTHING!!! He was our one kid who, while he never got in major trouble, always pushed the envelope. He was (and is) very talkative, and I often heard way more than I wanted to know about. Whenever someone would ask me if I was Matt _______'s Mom, I always wanted to ask why they wanted to know before I answered, because I never knew what he had gotten into (they usually just wanted to tell me what a funny kid he was, but I was gun-shy at that point). So, on the one hand, it is nice to have a talker, but sometimes it is nice to be kept in the dark!</p>
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<p>Zoosermom
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<p>I’m thinking the same thing. Today DS told me she is so grown up (but won’t talk to me?). He actually said I should apologize for what I said (which I didn’t say). Can’t even begin to tell you what came out of my mouth next LOL.</p>
<p>I realize this will all pass but it sure hard to trudge through…</p>
<p>Those of you with sons off to college as a freshman, it will be interesting to see how they have changed in the few short weeks they have been there. My DS probably didn’t say more than two words in a row to DH or me throughout HS (even though we were told he was a charming, articulate guy by his teachers!). Dropped him off at college; basically didn’t hear from him between dropoff and Parents’ Weekend. Weren’t expecting much at PW, and when we got there he was acting not especially glad to see us. BUT, dinner with him was amazing! We found out he was thoughtful, maybe a little serious, but with intelligent observations and lots of insight. He DID tell us he hated the school and wanted to transfer, but despite that, we had several deep conversations over the few days we were there. </p>
<p>And, fwiw, he ended up not transferring; graduated this past spring with honors.</p>
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<p>That’s what I heard.</p>
<p>Nice to hear, dizzycat!</p>
<p>4 kids here. #1, the daughter, was the most talkative (of course.) Of the 3 sons, the eldest was good at dinnertime conversation, telling interesting anecdotes, sharing things that happened or (more usually) his opinion on something he read online. Then they both left for college…</p>
<p>The next 2 kids were so quiet, it was like having an empty nest already. One kid was just defensively reticent with information, the last one seems to be in la-la land. I have discovered I need to TAKE AWAY his iphone if I want his attention. You know how you can usually have a convo in the car? I end up talking to myself b/c he’s always on his phone, surfing the web. </p>
<p>At least he’s not trying to hide anything. He willingly gives me a copy of his class schedule, for instance. That gives me a basis for asking questions, which he answers in 2 words or less. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Oh my, the right thread at the right time. Thanks. </p>
<p>My S started clamming up as a HS senior and hasn’t improved at all now that he’s a college sophomore and 14 hours away by car. If he chooses to be incommunicado he is very hard to reach. He doesn’t answer emails or phone calls very often, usually I resort to multiple phone messages and texts when there is really something I need to tell him. I tried a mandatory Sunday afternoon regular check-in chat date, that worked a total of zero times. “Mom, I’m way too busy for that!!” I can let it go a few weeks and then I go buggy and try to track him down. Yesterday, he actually picked up the phone and we had a decent chat, I guess he’s just in the mood sometimes.</p>
<p>I’m going to family weekend in a couple weeks and he offered to pick me up at the airport which is about an hour drive from the campus, that was a lovely surprise in itself. I can’t wait to get him alone in the car, as with so many others of you, that’s when I learn the most.</p>
<p>mommusic, my son also supplied me with his class schedule, but it was so I’d know when not to call him!</p>
<p>bopambo–Naturally, that was what I TOLD him when I asked for his schedule!
;)</p>
<p>Early on I requested the 1 x a week call, and I got a positive reaction when I requested it. And generally yes, in the last 6 weeks, I’ve gotten it. Only 1 time though have I gotten a spontaneous call from him that a) wasn’t precipitated by an email / text from me saying “is now a good time to talk?” or b) him having a specific question he needed to ask me.</p>
<p>I fully admit that yes, I’d love a spontaneous call just to talk but…yes I’ve spoken to him about 1 x a week since I dropped him off halfway across country. Guess I cant really complain.</p>
<p>I am sooo looking forward to Thanksgiving break and seeing if what has been posted here is true and hes more open in a general way. (Parents Weekend isnt until February at his school).</p>
<p>On an anticipatory note–his dad (my ex) is going out to see him next weekend when he has a long weekend…His dad hasnt seen his school before, so I’m anxious to hear the report back.</p>
<p>One thing I’ve learned is not to over react to anything my kids tell me. And in the mind of a teenage boy, that means don’t react AT ALL. </p>
<p>“So…I think I’m flunking 3 of my classes”, “My best friend got his girlfriend pregnant”, “I’m thinking about majoring in kitten grooming instead of chemical engineering”, “My teacher told me that I’m never going to amount to anything”, “So aliens landed during Algebra today and kidnapped two of the kids from class and then implanted some kind of device in our arms.”</p>
<p>These all have to be met with a sort of half distracted nonchalant “Mm-hmm. Well, does it itch where they implanted the device?” or the equivalent. The fastest way for me to get my guys to clam up is to show much in my reaction - good or bad.</p>
<p>I keep the lines of communication open with my boys by emailing them little things…math jokes, links to an article on something they are interested in…I’m sure sometimes they roll their eyes, but often I get a reply. :)</p>
<p>This is great. I’m here to complain about my S, even though he’s a recent college grad and not a teenager still. He’s great in person. Chatty, talkative, helpful, wonderful to be around. Away from home, not so great. Only phones when he has something to ask (not very often), or is stuck in the airport. Once he didn’t call home for I think 6 weeks, texted him “are you still among the living” answer: yeah.</p>
<p>We think he’s dating someone. I like to call her “the girl he may or may not be dating because he refuses to tell me anything”. Very nice girl, met her at graduation, had no idea that they might or might not be dating, he never said anything. He’s flown to see her twice since he started his job so reading between the lines, they might be dating lol! He is coming home for Thanksgiving and said that her family doesn’t do anything for tday so I invited her. A friend suggested that her name will have to change to “the girl who may or may not be coming for Thanksgiving”, I’m sure I won’t have any idea if she is coming until the day he flies home lol!</p>
<p>Yesterday, I texted him about a friend of his who may be doing a job that his sister is interviewing for. He didn’t text me back and so 2 hours after he got off work I asked if he received my text. I got a yes, he does work for that employer but I was waiting to text you back. It was a kind of snotty response. It was a yes or no type of question. I did ask if he could find out more about the program my D is interviewing for to see if his friend was in this training program because his sister would like to ask him some questions about the position. No response. </p>
<p>It’s frustrating and not getting better as he’s getting older.</p>
<p>Yesterday, I stumbled on a way to guarantee a call from your college-age son.</p>
<p>I texted my son that I was at (insert name of bar) to watch our favorite baseball team. He called IMMEDIATELY to say, “You’re where?!?!” Turns out (insert name of bar) is also the name of a local institution and he thought I had planned a surprise visit to his college town. LOL The surprise/panic in his voice was too much. But we did talk baseball and other things for three innings. It was nice. </p>
<p>Moral of the story: If you want an immediate call from your son, let him think you’re just around the corner. :D</p>
<p>I have an old girlfriend whose son simply does not talk to her.</p>
<p>He immediately locks himself in his room when he comes home, with his girlfriend.</p>
<p>When he got into a good college last year, his mother had to push the acceptance letter underneath his door.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay, I loved that story. </p>
<p>The mother of one of my S’s best friends from home related one of her experiences with her aforementioned son. He goes to San Jose State and she heard on the news that there had been a shooting on campus and that the school was under lockdown. She’d heard nothing at all about it from her son, so she texted him asking what was going on and if he was OK. She got back a text with two words: “Not shot” and that was it!</p>
<p>This thread is hysterical. I’m so glad it’s not just my son!</p>
<p>My oldest son, a college junior, tends to be the talker. He calls fairly regularly, lets us know how things are in his classes, what he is doing on what weekend, etc.</p>
<p>The younger son is just 14, and he has never really been a big talker, except if it’s about sports. Yet, there are times he does not stop chatting. </p>
<p>So there is hope.</p>
<p>My son is 16 … he talks to me a lot when he’s in the mood…when he’s not… he says he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s not predictable when he’s going to be in the mood, but when he’s busy with homework or on on the computer, he won’t talk of course…and when his friend comes over he wants me to hide :). Sometimes he does not even want to answer a simple question like “what movie did you see?” or “what kind of sandwich did you get?” Occasionally he will talk about social life at school, but much more frequently about academics. So I wait for those communicative moments… but they often end quite abruptly with “we’re done here!” or “I’m done talking.” It could be a lot worse.</p>