<p>^^^^oldfort, He is lucky and I have told him that he has us and grandchildren. He misses having his old group of people…most have already passed away.</p>
<p>M-3: I’m glad to hear that you’ve decided to bring in a professional caregiver. Just a heads-up: You will probably get some resistance from your dad. He’s fine with the way things are, and the older they get, the less they like change of any kind. And even though there’s no dementia, they can get irrational and tend not to see anyone’s needs but their own. “Parenting your parents” is a good description of the place you’ve arrived at; and sometimes parenting means doing what’s best even if they don’t like it. So stick to your guns!</p>
<p>I encourage you to look into assisted living; it offers so much more than home care.</p>
<p>momma-three, what a lovely tribute to your father, and to the memories and talents he has passed on to you and your children. That is very much how we viewed our father in his last years when he suffered with Parkinson’s Disease. I felt like it was an honor to help him as his health was failing. But it is important within families that there is acknowledgment of those who are sharing a disproportionate burden, and that when possible there is transparency about financial matters. Your father sounds like a wonderful man - though perhaps since he is of another generation, he thought to look to your brother regarding finances rather than also consult you. Good luck in your conversation with your brother - I agree that it would likely be very helpful to have another person present (perhaps your spouse).</p>
<p>momma-three … one last thought … when we finally got some outside help for my Mom it really changed the dynamics of all the relevant relationships for the better … instead of focusing (and getting exhausted and stressed) on care giving we could instead focus on spending time with my parents … it was a huge change for the better. </p>
<p>As one wise person said … the goal is not to be the best caregiver but to make sure your loved one gets the best care! Best of luck!</p>
<p>I think 3togo makes a wonderful point. If you could focus more on enjoyable conversation and less on cleaning up messes, it would probably even mean more to your dad.</p>
<p>Here’s a book I found useful in dealing with some of these issues:
[Amazon.com:</a> Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children (9780380797509): Grace Lebow…](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275400659&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275400659&sr=1-1)</p>
<p>Momma three- my question is rhetorical; although my parents are gone, my H has both of his elderly parents around. It is difficult for the elderly to accept their limitations, but this is necessary for a “normal” life at this time of life. Therapists for the elderly deal with this, and perhaps you can find one. I can relate to your dilemma. I went through this with my mother.</p>
<p>I could never spend hours a day with them, and neither can my H. We work and we have a HS D. I would let them move into my home if they wanted that (knowing what a toll that would take), but they live over a two hour round trip from us. If they lived in the neighborhood, I would visit daily for a short time, and I would provide groceries and even transportation to doctors. However, my in laws do not want to move closer to us, and they do not want to hire anyone (even though money is not a problem in that way) or move into any kind of senior housing.</p>
<p>Either they will come around or there will be a catastrophe, but it will not be because we did not offer to help make it better. I do not view it as our role to add a whole job of caretaking to our already overfull lives, if the parents do not want to make any adjustments at all. I really think my MIL would be better in a senior community, because as it is now, no one talks to her all day except her husband or people at a doctor’s office. She can not get around too well, and if there were other people around her, I think it would be better for her. </p>
<p>I know a couple whose entire life together was destroyed by the illness of a parent. The wife threw everything into taking care of the parent, and the husband and children did not adjust to this. Even though the final illness did not last forever, the damage done was irreparable. FWIW. </p>
<p>I think at this time in life, your family comes first. Like I said before, I would take the inlaws into my home if they needed it or wanted it, but they would have to become part of my family. I cannot bootstrap my life into their wants. I WISH my inlaws would take someone in to help them, but they are too stubborn.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you, your Dad and your family.</p>
<p>You should keep looking in the files. Make a list of every account you find and take the statements with you for a day and make copies. I hope you never need them, but since there is a problem with money being hidden, you need to have as much knowledge as you can. I think your brother is walking the line between being conservative and hoarding the cash. You will be working against his tendencies, so again, the proof is important. Who is the executor of the estate?</p>
<p>I would hope it would not have to come to doing all of that (taking stuff to copy off the premises,etc), midwesterner, but maybe I am just too naive. It is odd that your brother seems to know the finances, but not you. As others have said,it’s not uncommon for one sibling to have control of the finances(that is how it is in both my family and husbands family but in both cases, all siblings know the info). Good luck!</p>
<p>midwesterner^^^^ Why would someone who has so much want more? or Why would he want what was not his, if he has so much himself?</p>
<p>It’s about power and control, not about the money.</p>
<p>What a horrible thought but I must say that my husband suggested something similar. My husband thinks he just plans on providing a laundry list of bills that I would have no way of proving. </p>
<p>I just want the money used now. It would actually make me feel better to know that my sisters children did’nt inherit a windfall off of my time given to my dad.</p>
<p>The thought of the inheritance that your sister’s children will receive also crossed my mind, but I hadn’t said anything. </p>
<p>Is it possible your father has some sort of unfinished grieving or a sense of regret regarding your sister’s death? If so, it may explain why he is otherwise trying to refrain from spending his money now, and using you (although not done in a deliberately mean way) as his unpaid labor is his option.</p>
<p>By the way, it is not up to you whether or not the money is used now or not, but it is up to you as to whether or not you continue to make the sacrifices that you do and provide free labor.</p>
<p>^^^^
understood…However it will drive me insane to one day right those checks. They never spent anytime with my sister, not even the one that lived with her. She had to stay with me or she would have starved and layed in her own vomit. They were trully disgusting and they still are.</p>
<p>Not one of them saw their father for two weeks before he died and my brother literally chased one down to get him to the hospital because my sister was asking where he was.</p>
<p>momma-three, you have written moving tributes to your Dad. But have you thought about what your memories are going to be after you are worked so hard that there is only more anger and more resentment? If it goes on long, those fond memories will fade into the resentment. I cannot believe your Dad would really want that. </p>
<p>You might want to figure out what you can do without resentment. Set your boundaries and let the others help come the solutions that suit them. Include in the list things you enjoy doing with him in your list of what you will do. Sit and read, take him out to the park, fix special meals - whatever you want that will give you both pleasure and continue to build cherished memories. Let your brother and the grandchildren do the same and then volunteer to brainstorm ways to fill in the blanks - with good research ahead of time of course. Best wishes, it’s hard and we all seem to be heading towards the same path.</p>
<p>
Just asking for clarification. Who never spent time with your sister? And who is disgusting?</p>
<p>I think M3’s sister’s kids did not spend time with their mom (M3 sis) when she was terminal; instead M3 did all that caretaking too :(</p>
<p>That’s what I was thinking, then had to imagine what kind of kids don’t spend time with their dying parent. It was almost a rhetorical question because I work in hospice and know what kinds of kids don’t spend time with a dying parent. Fortunately, they’re in the small minority.</p>
<p>However, a lot depends on what’s going on in their lives… what’s their health like, what are their family commitments, where do they live, etc. I have seen absent adult children who were completely justified in their absence (and often couldn’t avoid it).</p>
<p>M3, I can’t say whether the statements will be needed, but my dad has been a CPA and financial advisor to many families over the years, and you wouldn’t believe the shenanigans that go on. Some family members are just…opportunistic? I think you have been cast in the typical woman’s role and it is not a position of equality. By getting a fair voice in how the money is spent, you can strengthen your position and assure a better outcome if it turns out that not everyone has your dad’s best interests at heart.</p>