<p>lololu–okay, I have to agree with you on this. That’s just nasty.</p>
<p>Agree with Pizzagirl, nysmile, and coloradomom. this doesn’t sound much like an etiquette question more than a disgruntlement.</p>
<p>My kids only have one grandparent now, who lives on a fixed income and gives them nice, small presents when she can. Their late gf on other side was wealthy but erratic. We never expected anything from him, appreciated when he did give, but certainly never expected that his money (which all went to second wife) was ours, or should go to college funds.</p>
<p>We miss him dreadfully, not his money.</p>
<p>Lolu- 2 boys at $250 each = 1 girl at $500???</p>
<p>Every one’s version of fair is different…is it fair to given all the kids $25, $50, $100 for a birthday gift in 2010, or should the 25 year old get more and the 10 year old get less so that they each got the same at age 10?</p>
<p>Should I help the funded masters student the same as the MD student who is all loans? MD will make more, maybe I should help less? Masters is funded, maybe I should help them less? It is so interesting to decide how to do “fair”</p>
<p>Do I help the private school kid more than the public school kid since the price is higher?</p>
<p>Back in the dark ages when all of our parents were alive, I used to face a similar dilemma. My parents were more generous and it always sort of bothered me that my in-laws were more generous to their daughter’s kids (by a great margin). They also traveled often and never babysat, even in a genuine emergency. It bothered me, but then my father-in-law died four years after he retired and I learned the lesson that they worked very hard (as my husband and I do) and I hope they enjoyed themselves in the short time they had to to so. My husband works two jobs and I work a lot of overtime to fund our kids’ education and we are grateful to be able to do so. However, we’ve told them that they will always have a home with us if they need it, but we will not pay for a wedding and we will not educate their kids. Once our kids are self-sufficient, our money is for us. We’ve scrimped, sacrificed and done without because our kids are our priority, but when they’re grown, we want to focus on each other. Of course, if we have it, we plan to spoil the grandchildren, but that’s our choice not their entitlement.</p>
<p>I fully agree that everybody is entitled to do as they wish with their own money. However, I reserve for myself the right to have an opinion on whether certain choices are good, bad, nice, naughty, generous, or cheap. Having faced this situation as well, I will note that no matter what you tell your kids or teach them, they will notice that the less rich grandparents are more generous than the rich ones.</p>
<p>But one note: some grandparents may not have really thought about whether the amount of gifts are keeping up with reality. They gave $50 graduation gifts in 1976, and just assume that’s still a reasonable amount. I find this with my own mother with respect to a lot of things. But I don’t know of any kind way to point this out–I guess I would say that if they ask what the other grandparents did, you should tell the truth.</p>
<p>I agree the real issue is mom’s attitude about it all. In fact, given the obvious resentment, I find it hard to believe mom is worried about embarrassing the less generous grandparent. I hope this joyous occasion is going to marred in some way but some underlying petty emotional current on the part of mom, making this into a big deal it should not be. </p>
<p>I would think by this age, most kids would not need coaching in how to respond, nor would one have to orchestrate some kind of scenario to make it work out (though separate dinners seems like a good idea just for other reasons). I don’t see the complexity here and I think it’s making something out of nothing because of mom’s feelings.</p>
<p>I’m of the school that we are not in a position to be judging how people give gifts and nor should we ever expect substantial gifts of any kind. Otherwise they are not gifts, they are instead, some kind of obligation. A gift’s value is in its symbolism, not it’s dollar value.</p>
<p>People vary a lot in how they spend or save their money, how insecure they are about their funds surviving their lifetime, who is responsible for what expenses, and the nature of gifts (which occasions warrant big gifts, what is a big gift and so on). </p>
<p>And people express their love in different ways. Some grandparents give the gift of time with their grandchildren or help in parenting, others provide wonderful, unconditional love and emotional support to the kids, others teach special skills to their grandkids, some leave big inheritances, and others write checks while still alive. Who are we to judge?</p>
<p>I spent a LOT of time in the first 5 - 10 years of my marriage making careful note of, and resenting, what I saw as unfairness in terms of how generous my IL’s were to my husband compared to his two sisters. What a huge waste of time. I got to a point in my life where I was really able to let it all go and not notice, and it’s made me so much happier.</p>
<p>Funny how often you hear about parents being waay more generous with the daughter’s kids than the son’s…what is that about? My sister’s in laws have ‘always’ baby sat the two daughter’s kids, but NEVER babysat her kids or the brothers kids. They all lived in the same town so it was extremely obvious. The two boys are also expected to take care of their sisters- home repairs, honey do list, provide the products of fishing or hunting trips etc. One of the sisters has a long time husband, not sure why he is not supposed to provide or repair. It’s just a funny expectation the very old fashioned sexist Dad has.</p>
<p>^^My mother in law was the boss in her marriage and her, honest-to-goodness, position was that “the only grandchildren you can be sure of are your daughter’s children.” And she conducted herself accordingly.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until just before she died that she had an epiphany when she realized that she had no relationship at all with her son’s children and regretted the loss.</p>
<p>I wonder if these situations often involve more than money–including praise, attention, interest, etc. When one set of grandparents in general is more reserved/witholding than the other, it’s hard not to have some resentment. In our family, my mother is the one who shows less interest in the grandchildren. While there are reasons for this, and you have to get past it, it still stings. Just last week, I told her that my daughter sang a solo in church. “What did she sing?” she asked. When I told her, her first comment was, “I don’t like that song.” This is just how some people are, and it carries over to other things, including money.</p>
<p>somemom, the equation works more like two boys@$250 = 1 girl at $5000.00???</p>
<p>But my point is that I have learned that it is not equal, but it is my mom. I have to just let it go and not dwell on it. I do not tell my kids, as far as they know they got a generous gift from grandma. I really don’t mind that she does this, I just wish she wouldn’t tell me. And I really do believe that she thinks she is being equal in some goofy kind of logic. And I think the OP would do well to learn to just let it go. Thank the grandparents, encourage healthy relationships with both of them and let it go.</p>
<p>Maybe when the wealthy grandparents kick off they will leave all their money to her kids, just in time for them to use to pay for THEIR kids college educations.</p>
<p>There are some interesting takes here. I wonder if the feelings would be different if the situation were reversed. What if grown child had made a small fortune but granny and grampy were living on only Social Security worrying over pennies day to day? </p>
<p>Would the sense of the CC community condemn the grown child for not giving some of his good fortune towards helping the parents?</p>
<p>Family dynamics and money are always a hot topic.</p>
<p>Hmmm. i didn’t think that near-destitution is the question here, but perhaps I’m mistaken. I think that if that WERE the case, then close family that could help out, but don’t, would be remiss. In either direction.</p>
<p>but as I said, I didn’t understand that to be the situation here.</p>
<p>That wasn’t your issue, OP. If you want to know how to handle the awkward situation of disparate gifts, there are many ways to do it. Don’t have the gifts opened at the same time. Don’t have the gifts opened in front of the recipients. There are so many ways to handle this that it should not be an issue, especially when this is an expected thing that has happened so often in the past that you can predict it.</p>
<p>Right. Tatin, it really seems to me that you kind-of-sort-of want the kids to gush over the generous check in front of the less-generous grandmother, to sort of show her that she hasn’t been quite up to snuff and she really should open the purse strings. If I’m mistaken, that’s fine, but that’s how it reads to me. </p>
<p>How has this worked in the past, when (say) the kids were littler and one side gave a dozen fancy Lego sets and the other gave crayons and a coloring book? Certainly this isn’t the first time all grandparents have been together for a special occasion.</p>
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<p>If you really want to show your appreciation for the super-generous side, then it’s easy. You say to that side that you want to do a special dinner, etc. at which they can present their checks and kids can fawn appropriately.
There is no need to tell $50 grandma that this is going on. The fact that you seem puzzled by how to do this without letting $50 grandma know about $$$$ grandma is what makes us suspect that you secretly want $50 grandma to find out and be a little “shamed” by her lack of generosity.</p>
<p>I posed a hypothetical, but we could change it to say that granny and grandpop are not destitute but have no room in the budget for nonessentials. Let’s say son is living high, flying around the world on vacations, buying vacation homes, etc. etc. I think we can all relate in our personal experience to a situation like this. Obligation or no? </p>
<p>How do people view family ties when it comes to money? Does charity begin at home or is it everyman for himself?</p>
<p>Yes, I am broadening the topic away from the original post.</p>
<p>Well, I am fortunate that I have been very blessed by both my family and my husband’s family in terms of generosity. In my family, at least, charity begins at home. And I’m usually the recipient of the charity, not the other way around. I’m not saying that it doesn’t come without strings. </p>
<p>My MIL gives a large check at significant events - like HS graduation. My mother, on the other hand, gives a more modest check. MIL was aghast that D didn’t “properly” acknowledge the substantial gift - “did she know how much money that was.” Of course she did, MIL, but it would have been bad manners though to fawn over your gift to the exclusion of my mother. </p>
<p>I don’t like to think of family charity as an obligation. I prefer to think of it as I love you and want to do something nice for you. Or you need help and I want to give it to you. Or some combination thereof.</p>
<p>If I were the exceptionally well off person on either end, yes, I know I would want to make life a little easier for my loved ones. But I would definitely not feel entitled to anything if I were the person barely getting by. </p>
<p>As far as your first question, please, under no circumstances should this be done! It is in <em>extremely</em> poor taste to open up checks in front of the other grandparent like that. In fact, it is extraordinarily rude. just have your kids take the envelopes and put them away to open at another time or ask the grandmothers to take the kids aside in private. </p>
<p>Even Ann Landers said so:</p>
<p>[Ocala</a> Star-Banner - Google News Archive Search](<a href=“Ocala Star-Banner - Google News Archive Search”>Ocala Star-Banner - Google News Archive Search)</p>
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I certainly would. In my family, we’re mulling over whether and how much to help first cousins with whom we’re not that close.</p>
<p>Let me just add that whether a potential recipient of help is *entitled *to anything is not the same as whether the potential donor is morally *obligated *to help.</p>