<p>lololu,</p>
<p>Are you and your H much better off than your niece’s family? If that is the case, I would not resent the help your MIL gave to your niece at all. Everything doesn’t always have to be equal to be fair. If that is not the case, then yes, I think it’s pretty bizarre. But maybe there are things you don’t know about the other family’s financial situation.</p>
<p>Hunt, I agree with you, actually.</p>
<p>Actually, no. My nieces family is much better off (for comparison, their EFC is four times ours), but I think my mother thinks we are better off because we own a home and they still rent (although we live in very tiny Iowa town and they live in a major urban area). But to my mother’s way of thinking home ownership is a sign of wealth.</p>
<p>And I know their EFC because my mother had to tell me because she was shocked to think that anyone could possibly think that my sister and brother-in-law could afford anywhere close to that amount. H and I don’t discuss our finances with anyone so to be fair my mother can only surmise our situation while she knows (and tells) all the details of my brothers and sisters lives.</p>
<p>And to be clear, I don’t resent what she does for my niece in any way. My niece is a lovely girl, whom I adore, I just wish she wouldn’t act like everything is equal when it is not. And just not tell me about it.</p>
<p>lololu - in your case I would say something to my mother. I would tell her how it hurts my feeling that she doesn’t treat all of her grandchildren the same. Ask her how she would feel if you were to give your MIL thousand of $ and nothing to her. I know people say you shouldn’t measure someone’s love by what they give you. I do agree with that, except when they give differently to different people. Why the difference, it must mean something, right? If my mother had very little money, and she only buys each one of her grandchildren a $5 gift, that’s fine and very understandable. But not if she were to give $1000 to one and $20 to another. In that case, she is differentiate between her grandchildren, it’s not an affordability issue.</p>
<p>lololu — I agree with your desire for your M not to “share” this information with you. My belief is that grandparents should treat all grandkids equally if they are going to attend college and IMHO I think that things should be fair in these situations, cousins talk and share info like this and why would any Grandparent want one grandkid to feel this sort of inequality. I just don’t understand it, my Grandmother seems to only care about the boys in our family, the girls are on their own… Idk… I guess I just hate injustice of any kind and even though it is a “gift” and there is no “equality” justified in it, it just seems a little on the cruel side.</p>
<p>Tatin–1) I prefer that all family take care of one another.</p>
<p>which is why,</p>
<p>2) I teach my kids to treat all family with respect and kindness, and not for perceived slights and lacks.</p>
<p>Well, the reactions I got re entitlement are pretty much what I expected. But, if you will go back and read what I actually wrote, this was my point…</p>
<p>a. I said it was the grandparents money to do with as they wish. </p>
<p>b. I never said the grandchildren were ENTITLED to their $ or anything like that.</p>
<p>What I DID say was that in my opinion, if a grandparent has the financial means and their grandkids have worked their buns off for 18 years studying, working hard and forgoing a lot of the leisure activities of the other grandkids, then yes they SHOULD be recognized for it.</p>
<p>I never said it was NOT a personal decision for the grandparents. Of COURSE it is their money to do with as they see fit. That wasn’t my point. My point is a question of values. If grandparents are wealthy, and are able to help their grandchildren with their education and they don’t, I see it as a really sad situation. And yes, if the roles were reversed it would be true…if for some reason we become millionaires and our folks were destitute yes we have a moral obligation to help them out, absolutely! If anyone in our family was lacking in material needs AND if they had done everything in their power to remedy the situation but still fell short then the answer is yes, that is what family is for. To help each other. I know, a radical concept…grandparents helping the grandkids in college :)</p>
<p>Pizzagirl I am curious. You say your folks funded your education and also your DH’s. But why, according to your line of reasoning, was it their obligation to fund your education at all? You could have taken on loans, right? Why isn’t that a sense of entitlement…that your mom and dad will pay for your school, but it is a sense of entitlement if I feel it is a moral failure for wealthy grandparents to help their kids with their schooling? After all, at age 18 you were an adult right, ready to make your way in the world? :)</p>
<p>I guess it leaves me scratching my head when I see wealthy grandparents golfing, taking trips to Europe, etc etc but don’t feel the slightest urge to help write a tuition check for hard-working grandkids. I will have to leave it in the realm of things-I-don’t-understand-and-never-will. :)</p>
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<p>Many feel that they have been there and done that when they put their kids through school. Same thinking as not raising their grandkids because it is not their responsiblility to do so because the grandkids have parents. They don’t realize or don’t choose to realize that costs for college are out of hand. Still it isn’t grandma/grandpa’s problem to fund college.</p>
<p>Your children’s education is your responsibility, not your parents’. You brought your children into this world, not your parents. They did their job with you already.</p>
<p>If the term “obligation” comes up when talking about doing something for one’s parents or one’s children, then there are more serious things to remedy than a financial situation. Gifts are to be appreciated; they are not to be expected or compared. The best gifts I have ever received have no monetary value. Parents who model entitlement behavior are going to reap what they sow. JMHO</p>
<p>What my parents were “obligated” to do for me, and what they “owe” my kids, are two different things.</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree with you, thriftymom. To me, wealthy grandparents simply owe no moral duty to fund all or part of grandchild’s college education. The parents brought the child into the world and that’s where (in many homes in the United States) the financial burden for paying for college lands (absent financial aid, loans, etc.) I have two in college right now and it’s no financial picnic, but it’s one my husband and I happily bear because they are OUR children. It’s not anyone’s duty, or even the “right thing”, to ease our monetary burden.</p>
<p>You also threw something else in there that I don’t think was brought up before - that if ONE grandchild worked harder and missed out on more “fun” than the other grandkids, they should be “recognized” for that - if by “recognized” you mean given a financial windfall by a grandparent, I also disagree with that - strongly. Why on earth WHY would they be entitled to that? That would open a rift in many families that would never heal.</p>
<p>My own parents are dead and my husband’s mother is my kids’ only living grandparent. In today’s world, most folks in retirement need every dime after the last financial crisis. And, if my MIL wants to go to Europe with her $$$$, I’d be happy to see her go. And so would her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She can even take up golf (she’s 83) and spend her savings on the country club membership! 
IT’S HER MONEY. </p>
<p>It just seems so petty and bitter to covet what belongs to the grandparents because it makes someone else’s life easier. Like previously stated, a lot of this generation of grandparents grew up in the Depression and never really left that mentality. They see dollar amounts differently than many younger folks. I hope my MIL has a long life and spends every last dime. She deserves to.</p>
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I just don’t get this concept at all–how this is a “problem.” I can’t understand why a grandparent wouldn’t want to do this. Again, they’re within their rights not to do it–but I just think it’s weird. I think the Depression may be the reason for some of this, but there does seem to be a difference from family to family as well.</p>
<p>So how does everyone feel about grandkids being treated differently, which I think was part of the initial thread? It isn’t about “entitlement” or “obligation” but what you think about the inequalities and cousins sharing the info with one another?
I agree that grandparents should do what they please with their $$, after all they worked their whole lives to accumulate it.
Personally, my joy in life is my daughter, and when she has kids, they too will be my joy, and there is nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for their futures… JMHO</p>
<p>So how does everyone feel about grandkids being treated differently, which I think was part of the initial thread? It isn’t about “entitlement” or “obligation” but what you think about the inequalities and cousins sharing the info with one another?
I agree that grandparents should do what they please with their $$, after all they worked their whole lives to accumulate it.
Personally, my joy in life is my daughter, and when she has kids, they too will be my joy, and there is nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for their futures… JMHO</p>
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<p>I think that many may want to, but don’t because they are afraid of outliving their funds.
Others have been dreaming for their retirement and now they want to enjoy their money and their retirement in other ways than helping their children pay for college. I think the second group is in the minority.</p>
<p>The point is - you don’t HAVE to understand why a grandparent wouldn’t want to fund or assist with college. Of course, you can believe that it’s “weird”, but it simply doesn’t make it wrong. People have different values. I personally don’t think it’s weird. There can be a myriad of reasons for non-contribution, and northeastmom gave some very likely ones. Heck, I’m twenty years from retiring and I worry about outliving my funds when I finally get there!!!</p>
<p>One needs to remember that if retirees lose money and many have in recent years, they cannot earn back those losses by working. They still have their fixed expenses and less savings to rely upon. Addtionally they are earning next to nothing from something like a CD. The scary thing is that they don’t know if they are going to live to be 85 or 105. They don’t know what kind of assistance they might need to stay independant and hiring people to remain independant can be costly.</p>
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<p>We paid our own way in college (our parents had nothing), and have helped both parents and siblings (on both sides) financially (since we have been very frugal and fortunate, being the only ones to go to college). Likewise one of our parents has lived with us, and we would take care of our remaining mothers if the need arose. And so on. </p>
<p>But we are absolutely sure that no one expects us to do this nor do we feel obligated in anyway nor would they judge us if we did not. We enjoy doing it. Our family gives back to us in lots of ways. No one is ‘keeping count’. </p>
<p>Helping family financially is one thing. Judging others who do not based on their perceived wealth or lack thereof, seems wrongheaded to me. Especially so if you are on the recipient side of things. There are just too many reasons it might appear as it does. </p>
<p>And why is it just about money anyway!? If you want to start pointing fingers at which relatives are being “cheap” and which are not, why stop at finances? Why not include who is and who is not ‘being there’ for other family members? organizes the Christmas dinners? Plans the reunion? Cuts mom’s grass? Does the plane trip to see the relatives? Researches doctors for dad? Watches the kids? Seems to me some family’s help each other, some do not. Chances are, people being people, there are different perceptions about who helps and who doesn’t and how much and unfairness galore if you want to go down that road. </p>
<p>I just don’t think it’s worth it to start playing those mental games. They are never resolvable. Just focus on something else, try to enjoy your family as much as you can have them, and for the short while you do have them.</p>
<p>Another potential reason wealthy grandparents don’t help:</p>
<p>They have no idea how much college costs today. When they sent their kids to school college was much, much cheaper even factoring in inflation. </p>
<p>Families will talk about everything, except money.</p>
<p>If they do help and one kid attends community college & a state school, another a flagship public and another a $50k private, shall they help them each with the same amount or each with the amount of tuition? Once you open this can of worms, about being fair, it gets complicated.</p>
<p>The question about helping adults- parents, siblings, cousins, etc is also complicated. As soon as you begin helping others with money you are mentally invested in how they spend. I have a sibling who has become embroiled in helping another sibling. The sibling who needs help is on disability, but has made every bad choice under the sun, including years of working for cash to “stick it to the man”- a very anti-government hippie. Yet, that hippie sibling takes the govt check every month and has no qualms in accepting a place to live courtesy of the other sibling. What should be a rental is not, and that value of that house affected college financial aid for the helpers kids, and now the helping sibling does not want to make that monthly payment, would rather help the working kids get started, but does not want to be 'responsible" for making the hippie homeless.</p>
<p>It’s tough.</p>
<p>Wasn’t there a post a while ago about a family where the parents-who owned a vacation home- were meeting with the kids to tell them they had to help with the parents living expenses? If you are paying for some one’s “stuff” you have a right to evaluate how they spend their money. If grandparents help with college does that mean they will evaluate how you as a parent are spending your money? I would not like that!</p>