How to Handle An Awkward Gift Situation

Parent Cafe
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<h2>Y’know I don’t believe that for a minute. Wealthy people read all the time about how much things cost. They know. They are just not participating, and don’t have to.</h2>

<p>Regarding the envelope-opening dilemma, here’s my take:</p>

<p>When children are very little, the grandparents like to see them open up a toy truck and see the glee transform their faces. Understandable. But a h.s. graduate should have been taught a few sophisticated “moves” and delay gratification for a few hours. You have the choice now to teach your graduate how to handle this one more like an adult than an entitled or immature child.</p>

<p>Um, I think your h.s. graduate realizes full well that when someone hands them an envelope, it’s going to be either a card, or a card +check. Of some amount.</p>

<p>I liked some above who suggested separating it into two gatherings. It has advantages, but don’t see why that’s absolutely necessary either.</p>

<p>Since you’re anticipating two envelopes at the planned single gathering, tell your graduate, in advance, that you think that’s likely to occur. And when it does, he has strict instructions from you to say “thank you” right then without opening the envelope, even if urged to do so by either grandma. And hug each grandma. And put the envelopes aside, unopened for the rest of the party.</p>

<p>After all guests are gone, it’s time for the envelopes (or any other wrapped presents that came from elsewhere) to be opened. At that point, have the thank-you notes and pens all ready. </p>

<p>Does your graduate know some words to thank each grandparent? In my family, with such a circumstance, I’d advise one to be worded “Thank you for your very thoughtful graduation gift.” and the other “Thank you for your very generous graduation gift.” </p>

<p>Mail the letters and keep some glue from the envelopes on your lips forever. </p>

<p>It’s a remedial program. Of course, I might be against the tide but I don’t believe in ever opening gifts at a lifecycle/ lifestage party. I find that a rude practice. When my kids were little, I taught them to thank for the wrapped gift, pile it up, and forget about it. Just enjoy the people who came to see them. </p>

<p>After every guest went home, then we opened presents and wrote thank you’s. You can see the logic there: even little kids don’t like to witness that someone else gave something better, or worse. It devalues the spirit that accompanies their own gift. Nobody wins. </p>

<p>Sometimes parents, picking up their kids from birthday parties, would ask me, “how did he like our gift?” and all I had to say was, “we don’t open any until later, but I’m sure he’ll love it.” I might have been right or wrong in those days, but the legacy is my kids at least know to thank the giver “on faith” that they brought a gift from their heart.</p>

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<p>Well, let’s see. My H and I are fortunate enough to be able to pay for our children’s college. My sister and her husband may not be able to pay for their daughter’s college. My parents are under no obligation to help her, but if they do do so, I am not about to spend one moment’s worth thinking that it wasn’t “fair” that they paid or contributed towards my niece and not towards my kids. </p>

<p>Besides, what’s “fair”? Let’s say you have two adult children. One has 2 kids going to elite u’s at $50K / year. One has 3 kids going to state u’s at $25 K / year. What’s “fair”? Giving each side the same amount of money, even though it’s split among 2 kids in one family and 3 kids in the other? Or funding each kid to the same amount? But is that fair to fund state-u kid fully and elite u kid only partially? You can drive yourself crazy with all of this, and there are no right answers.</p>

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<p>I disagree. My father hasn’t paid a college tuition since 1990. I’m guessing in my last year of college (1986) the cost was in the $10K range. Why should he be up on what elite u’s cost these days?</p>

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<p>Pizzagirl, if your father reads the paper, he probably knows. Every month there is some article about the exorbitant costs of college these days.</p>

<p>I don’t see how grandparents are obligated in any way to help out grandkids with anything other than birthday presents and for special occasions: sweet 16, graduation, whatever. I don’t think it’s weird at all if they don’t offer money. But, I’ll say this: if the grandchild were to be orphaned or if the family were to face some calamity, then the grandparents should open their home to them. But I believe this goes in any direction. </p>

<p>My parents are very well off and are extremely generous with cash gifts for our kids. My MIL lives on a limited income and is as generous as she can afford to be. I have NEVER brought up the disparity with my kids because I think it would be the height of bad taste and insulting to my MIL. Our kids are sensitive to the situation and know that all the grandparents love them dearly. And they have always behaved appropriately because they love their grandparents and would never want to hurt any of them.</p>

<p>On a side note, at these kinds of parties where cash is an acceptable and appropriate gift (Bar Mitzvahs, graduations, etc), I have never seen the envelope opened in front of everyone, or even the donor.</p>

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<p>We have been very fortunate that our kids and we have received some very generous gifts from relatives to help defray costs of our kids’ educations–private HS tuition & college. We have all always been very grateful and privately expressed the gratitude to the parties involved. None of us have felt entitled to any of this and are grateful that the givers felt inclined to donate so generously.</p>

<p>The gifts were often given via mail or at the airport or in other ways to be inconspicuous but we were most grateful and surprised.</p>

<p>Never have the kids disclosed amounts received to others but have expressed gratitude to everyone who has been able to attend their special events (graduation, Eagle ceremony), etc., whether a gift was given or not. The kids also expressed gratitude equally for each gift received.</p>

<p>Cash is generally well accepted as a gift for most occasions in HI; S accummulated a large amount over the years, which he still has intact as he begins life as a non-student.</p>

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<p>I hope when I reach the age of my almost 90 year old father I have some money left to give. After losing a mother who was fairly young I never realized my dad could or would live this long. It has been such a wonderful blessing to have him this long. He was always so generous with his time and to this day he begins our conversation with “tell me whats new with the kids?” He taught my kids to paint and he treated them like they were the most special people in his world. That has been a wonderful gift.</p>

<p>My dad has a house that is currently being rented because he lives a few streets away from me for the last few years. His house and other assets are worth a considerable amount of money. My dad did not grow up experiencing the depression as others did, so his frugal attitude about money is not associated with prior experiences. He was always tight with gift giving but it had never bothered me. I do feel badly that when he passes his house and money will get hit hard through taxes. I am sure he does not even know that because he does not really have financial savy and finances was not something he ever wanted to discuss with me. I would never think to tell my dad that he should or could do something with his money. It is just not my business. The only thing I do feel a bit sad about is the fact that one of my deceased siblings kids will receive a large portion of his trust and they have never called him or visited him unless I invite them to my home. They are just crappy kids who are waiting to receive what they think belongs to them.</p>

<p>I don’t know if what the OP is talking about is similar to this situation but it is hard to judge what people really mean over words printed on a page. The only thing I would say is that I would never want to hurt my dad by making him feel that his gifts were less generous than an in-laws. As far as my dad is concerned we always let him know that he is greatest grandpa because he gave my kids his time and no amount of money could replace his expression of love in a childs eyes.</p>

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<p>Whenever my FIL sees my son he quietly slips him some cash. We jokingly call it the $100 handshake. My father is in a wheelchair, partially paralyzed from a stroke. He would have been the done the exact same thing as my FIL had he been physically able. S is at BS so he does see GP’s as often as some people. S is so sad my dad can’t play golf with him, drive to his crew races, or even have an easy conversation. Dad’s speech is pretty much destroyed. He had the stroke at age 63. He is 71 now. My parents know the reality of a medical crisis. They have to be cautious with their money. They have plenty and they take several cruises a year, because that’s how they can travel and my mom needs the diversion. I don’t begrudge them anything.</p>

<p>We can pay for education and still have nice dinners, vacations, a second home etc…My sister really stuggles but has made some very bad decisions. Are we obligated to pay for her kids college educations? We are standing by ready to help in a true emergency, but are we bad people because my niece will need a loan and we put in a new patio?</p>

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<p>I agree that most grandparents have an idea about college costs. They might not know the cost to the last dollar, but the high cost is on the news regularly. They are aware about some recent changes regarding student loans having been voted on along with the health care bill. College costs might have come up in those news articles. The President has talked about volunteering to help pay for high college costs. Frankly, not to know that college costs have soared, to say it politely, one would not have followed any news reports for several years.</p>

<p>Something to keep in mind is that grandparents might want to give equal amounts of money to each grandchild. If the grandparent had 3 children and those children each had two children, there are 6 grandkids. A gift of 1,000 to each grandchild is 6,000 to the granparent/s, even if not all 6 are in college at the same time. I am sure most consider the total amounts when they give financial gifts for college. Just something to keep in mind.</p>

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<p>I agree with Pizzagirl in that older parents do not know what college cost today. All you need to do is watch an older person read the newspaper. They completly skip over things like college cost because it does not directly affect them. My father learned at a Christmas party from other guests that some colleges cost $50.000 a year yet he still did not realize that MIT or Cornell were two of those colleges.</p>

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<p>i would say that you are so lucky to have such a problem! </p>

<p>my parents made sure that i graduated from college without any student loans. i was so grateful for that. my husband’s family did not have the same priorities, so we spent a few years paying off some small loan amount.</p>

<p>my goal as a parent was to make sure my kids could get a college degree without any debt at all. we are comfortable, but never have been what i would call wealthy. it has not been easy, but we son #2 is set to graduate this june! </p>

<p>my parents probably were in a position to help–and i feel they did–they paid for my education years ago which has allowed me to do the same for my children. </p>

<p>i would have been so grateful to have someone step forward and help out–i would have found a way to handle the situation gracefully–so many great suggestions have been made. who knows–my mom never gives my kids a big check, but she often sends the college kids a note with some “folding money” so they can enjoy a treat now and then.</p>

<p>you are indeed lucky and this is such an easy problem to solve.</p>

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<p>I think older parents may not really “get” the higher price of college, even though they may know it’s gone up. What they probably don’t really get is how much it has gone up in relation to what a young person can earn–many of them still have the concept that a person can “work his way through college.” While that still can be done, it can’t be done at all of the colleges that it formerly could be.</p>

<p>I also agree that a part of the reticence of some grandparents to share the wealth is the fear that they will run out–even if this fear is irrational.</p>

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<p>You would be speaking of my mother. But, it is her money and her choice to spend as she wishes. I just wish she would spend on herself more.</p>

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<p>Nope. My father, in his late sixties, completely sharp of mind, wrote my tuition checks “off the top” (that is, from current paychecks; he became very successful when I was a teenager, but there were no college savings prior to that). He’s always been very generous with money and he was delighted to send me to my dream schools, but I guarantee he would have no remembrance as to whether that was $5,000 or $10,000. It just wasn’t important to him. Specific details of what stuff costs aren’t important to him, as long as they make people happy. Likewise, I’m sure he couldn’t tell you what he spent on my car as a college graduation gift, or what we spent on trips to Europe and the like when I was a teen / young adult. Student loans? He wouldn’t pay any attention to that on the news. Irrelevant to his life today. </p>

<p>He’s extremely generous – but he also knows that H and I can afford to be full-pay so frankly, “what college costs these days” simply isn’t on his radar screen. That’s H’s and my problem. He gets to enjoy his golden years doing precisely those fun things he’s worked hard for – the golf, the nice vacations, etc. Good for him!! I see no reason he should all of a sudden be interested in what colleges cost today when frankly he wasn’t all that interested 25 years ago and he was happy just to write the check and be done with it. Probably my mother wrote the check anyway :-).</p>

<p>The other thing is – for today’s grandparents who might have sent their own kids to state or more moderately priced schools, why would they have any clue what the more elite / expensive schools cost? Why would the man who sent a couple of kids to Flagship State twenty years ago when he was fortysomething all of a sudden still have a burning interest in what it costs to send a kid to Elite U once he turns sixty? </p>

<p>I think you all are way overstating the amount of “hobby interest” that most people outside CC have in all things college.</p>

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<p>I set up a 529 for my young (elementary-school aged) niece and I put $X into it every birthday and every Christmas, with the goal that it will be a nice nest egg when she is at that stage to go away. But I would never dream of making a big presentation of it to her. When she’s 18 and going off, she can thank me quietly and privately. Frankly, she can “thank” me by studying and doing her best at school – that’s all the thanks I need.</p>

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<p>Definitely the quiet private donation is the way to go. </p>

<p>But families need to be frank about money. In my experience elderly people have no idea how much even a state university costs. They have no idea what an EFC is. (I didn’t until this year). </p>

<p>It’s an odd thing in our society that we are encouraged to be open and honest about everything, emotional issues, health issues, very private things, but not about money. </p>

<p>It’s also funny that many here on CC talk to total strangers about financial matters that they wouldn’t bring up with close relatives.</p>

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<p>My parents believe themselves to be generous people, but do not have much money. In their minds, $20 was a generous birthday gift for our children. Since we weren’t in the habit of throwing large children’s parties regularly, it wasn’t until we did do so one year and they saw our D received gifts of that amount or more from her friends, that they realized their gift was not as generous as they had thought it was. Similarly, they had no clue what it costs to go to prom, buy a home, or send a kid to college to college these days. For my part, I don’t happen to know how much knee replacement surgery or a retirement home in Florida costs.</p>

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<p>I think most people believe themselves to be generous people & it’s all relative. Sometimes we (myself included) get stuck in a rut–if we’ve always given about $20 for most gifts, we continue to do it, despite inflation. Sometimes there is a wakeup call when we have an event & everyone gives more (or less) than we thought was the “going amount.” It also varies by region.</p>

<p>There are so many variables on how people choose to spend money and gift as well. It really is a nice thing when loved ones choose to help financially, especially if it was not what we had planned and doesn’t create a hardship or sacrifice for them. We consider it an unexpected bonus and are very happy!</p>

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<p>TatinG–perhaps we talk about money here precisely because we are strangers. My mom (and in-laws when they were still with us) probably had some idea what college cost, but there was no need for them to really know. Discussing it with them might have been seen as hinting for money. I just don’t really see why the elderly ought to know what college costs–unless they have some particularly late life babies!:)</p>

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<p>One of the problems of accepting funding for grandchildren’s education is that you are inviting your parents to scrutinize every financial choice you’ve made. It’s fair for them to ask you to “open the books” up so they can look and see if you’ve been extravagant or inefficient with money (did you really need to order in pizza or buy a nice car? Did you stay home when you could have worked?) if they’re going to pay a significant amount toward kids’ education. Do you want to invite such scrutiny?</p>

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<p>“Strings” and “open books” and scrutiny can indeed be an issue if one accepts funds from any loved one. It is nice when that doesn’t appear to be the case. It would also be bad if down the road the donor runs short of funds (like the financial meltdown & repercussions) and then it would seem like you should return the favor & help him/her out. It can get complicated and isn’t always as uncomplicated as one might hope.</p>