<p>I think rich family members have a moral obligation to help other members of the family. Family members of mine at some point have all chipped in to help pay tuition, medical bills, rent etc. If grandparents are in a position to help, I believe they should help. </p>
<p>“To whom much is given, much is expected” Yes, you earned your money through your own sweat, but as far as I am concerned, it will be callous of rich family members not to help out when a family member needs help for: tuition, rent, etc.</p>
<p>I am so busy sometimes at work sometimes I don’t even time to go to the bathroom. I take public transportation in NYC because I am too cheap to take a taxi (well, I just got top of the line iPad). My baby brother makes very good living with no family to support. He ****es his money away on stupid stuff. Recently he was out of work for few months and wanted some money. I could have given him the money, but I didn’t. I gave him the money, but told him that I wanted it back. No, his poor money management is not my problem. I am under no obligation in supporting his bad choices.</p>
<p>I could say the same thing about some choices people have made. If someone decides to have a lot of kids (4,5,6…), but couldn’t afford top private schools for their kids, how is that another family member’s problem. We make choices all the time. Your family members weren’t there when you decided who you wanted to marry, how many kids your wanted, or even what profession you wanted to get into. Why would it be their responsibility to support your choices?</p>
<p>oldfort, I am not sure if your post was directed at me. I actually agree with what you wrote, I am talking about a family member who has made all the right decisions, but needs help.</p>
<p>tega - my post was in respond to your post. The problem is it puts rich family members in a position to judge what’s the right decisions. What’s right for one may not be right for another. But when you take hand out then you are in the position of having to justify your decisions.</p>
<p>I just wanted to clarify that I definitely don’t think someone needs to be exceptionally wealthy to want to help their kids to whatever extent they can. I worded my comment to refer specifically to paying the cost of private tuition room and board for all of one’s grandchildren - something that only an exceptionally affluent individual would rationally consider. </p>
<p>Despite her apparent assets, the very legitimate question “$50 Grandmother” may be asking herself is <em>can</em> she afford it, not now, but in the future. Financial planners would say she should live off her interest in retirement, without dipping heavily into principal (and they would certainly advise her that she should talk to an estate planner). The cost of private college tuition, room and board times four, multiplied by other grandchildren past, present and future, put up against the uncertainties of inflation and market instability, the possibility of a future medical condition requiring assisted living or full time at home medical care, good longevity - it is all more than enough to justify that someone might be conservative about finances. It would certainly be possible for even someone with the OP’s MIL’s assets (probably between 2 and 5 million if she’d owe a million to estate taxes) to outlive them. </p>
<p>That all said, do I think that that $50 is a particularly generous graduation gift from said grandparent ? Realistically speaking, no, of course not. But more importantly, I would not want to convey that kind of entitlement attitude to the kids and I would expect them to express their appreciation and love to each grandmother for any gift they receive.</p>
<p>Personally, I would help if help was needed - always. I come from a long history of family stepping in to help family in tough times, no questions asked. In fact, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if, when I was young, some very special people in my life hadn’t made the kind of sacrifices that very few should ever know from making. On the flip side, I was also always taught that to demand , expect or to feel entitled is wrong and that I should be grateful for whatever is given to me .</p>
<p>i fear for our future and the future of our children. </p>
<p>too many people think it is the responsibility of someone else (the rich) to help others. i feel that as a country we must start again to hold ourselves responsible and accountable for our own choices.</p>
<p>tega, I am not sure I totally agree with you, I get it if the person has had some unfortunate circumstances, but do you help someone with tuition when they bought a brand new $40,000 car on an $90,000 a family income, but saved nothing for college? Or buys books and cd’s constantly rather then borrowing from the library, because “I like to own my books”. How about someone who doesn’t want to work full time because they want to be able to attend their kids’ sporting events. Even when their spouse was out of work? Am I obligated to help family members have a comparable “lifestyle” to mine. I only work part time, I drive a very nice car. we have nice homes. My husband does work 55-60 hours a week and we’ve saved for college and have been able to pay private school tuition. I try to be generous with the extras for my nieces. We buy their prom gowns, have paid for school trips, cover Christmas, etc. We will do something for my niece who is graduating, pay for books, a laptop, not the Mac she wants probably, but I don’t want to commit to paying part of her tuition.
Maybe I am selfish, but I want my sister to make better choices not complain to me that I have it so easy. H has always worked hard and has always worked long hours. I can’t feel guilty about that.</p>
<p>My mother is a bright, well educated woman. She subscribes to two daily newspapers and reads them regularly. (She doesn’t watch TV news though.) Until a few years ago, she ran a program for minority high school students.</p>
<p>But yet, she was clueless about the costs of college. She also believed that you shouldn’t worry about the cost when helping your child select schools to apply to, because the money was out there.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose in-laws are very wealthy but yet they only paid tuition for their own kids’ schooling (no room and board, books etc) and are frustrated beyond believe that no one can afford to visit them. They are all busy saving for college as they want to be able to be more supportive of their own children.</p>
<p>anothercrazymom, Maybe, I should illustrate with an example of a family member who needs help.</p>
<p>A family member has made bad choices in life, but she wants to put her life back together, and she has enrolled in community college. I don’t mind helping out to with the tuition, after her financial aid. However, I wouldn’t give her a penny, if she spends her money buying expensive designer clothes instead of using the money to pay her own tuition.</p>
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<p>I don’t think you are selfish, and I also don’t think you should feel guilty about your hard earned cash. </p>
<p>If my sister spends money going on cruises instead of saving to pay her kids school fees, I would be mad with her, but I will still help my nieces and nephews if they have done well to get into good colleges (I will help with the cheapest good option, i.e. I won’t pay for stanford, if UC is available). I wont let them slide because my sister has made bad choices. I see it as helping them to help their mother, because my sister will be a burden on me later on if I don’t help.</p>
<p>I can see all kinds of complications with accepting help.
For example, I have a friend who put her kids in private school from K-12–a rather weird private school with a philosophy that the grandparents don’t necessarily subscribe to. Now that friend is having a hard time financially. Is it the grandparents’ responsibility to chip in, when the kids could have had an equally good or better education for free? </p>
<p>You might not always be angry that your mother is a penny-pincher, too. It may work out in the end: her parsimony may mean a bigger inheritance for you in the long run. </p>
<p>Did anyone hear the interview with Warren Buffett’s son Peter? His father gave him little except for a good upbringing (he got 90,000 when he was 19, which was a lot, of course, but not compared to the billions he could have received). He used that money to buy time to develop himself into a musician–and he’s won Grammys. At one point, he wanted to borrow money from his dad, but his father said no. And he LOVES his father and mother and thinks they did him the greatest favor by not bailing him out.</p>
<p>Endicott, perhaps we know the same family;). I know someone who chose to put 3 kids into private school k-12, also with a philosophy that grandparents do not subscribe to. They have had financial difficulties for some time and the grandparents are not chipping in. It is leading to a divorce situation.</p>
<p>I’m assuming a situation as outlined by the OP - where it would be tough or impossible for parents to pay EFC without selling the house, going deeply into retirement savings or taking on unmanageable debt, even after any financial aid. That’s not the same thing as subsidizing someone in a lifestyle that is more than they can afford to live. I really don’t think that does anyone any favors in the long run.</p>
<p>For those of you who don’t know my background (old poster here :), not around so much now), I was in the position of having DS and step-grandS going to college at exactly the same time. We were in a position to fund step-grandS’s college as well as our own son (we wouldn’t be in that position now - thanks Economic Meltdown), but we were then.</p>
<p>Funding our grandson’s college was not a “gift” we presented at a graduation party; certainly is was a gift. But private. In a party type situation, we gave him an iPod, same as we gave our son, at the same party.</p>
<p>You may think you know that other grandparents are in same financial situation as the generous ones. They may or may not be. I’m sure our extended family thinks we are in the same financial situation we were a few years ago. We are not.</p>
<p>Regardless, gifts are gifts. Not to be compared and certainly not to be judged by the parent of the receiver.</p>
<p>Me? I would not “teach” my child - at age 18 - to “pretend” to be equally grateful. I would hope that my child already knew to express appreciation for all gifts. I think that taking your child aside with this advice is teaching your child something else entirely - that he should value one set of grandparents over the other based on the $$$ they choose to spend on his gift; that he should value one set of grandparents over the other based on family members’ views of what they <em>should</em> afford. That we can judge people in this way. Not a good set of values in my opinion.</p>
<p>I see the moral dilemma in general, of chipping in for someone else- and then looking at how that someone else spends their money. Were their previous choices good? Bad? Some of each?
Did they have 5 kids instead of 4? 4 instead of 3? 2 instead of 1? Choose private elementary schools instead of public? Did they have nice cars? nice home? Vacations? Are they a smoker? A drinker? An expensive hobby? Choosing a more expensive college over a less expensive option?
All those can affect how a person perceives how well they spent their money.</p>
<p>My answer to the Op’s question is to open all gifts privately, send out nice thank you’s promptly. These are gifts for an upcoming adult, not a bidding war at an auction. If anyone asks what another gave- well I’d only say that I considered each gift a private matter.</p>
<p>jmmom- how nice that your money went to fund your son & gsson’s education which cannot be taken from them, unlike values in stock & RE investments That’s how we try to look at our education $$$ investments over the years- no one can take that away from my kids!</p>
<p>I personally believe that people should take responsibility for themselves, but I don’t think that personal responsibility is really a focus of what Jesus said. Most of his parables seemed to deal with responsibility for others, from the story of the loaves and the fishes to the prodigal son to the story of the talents to the good Samaritan. I certainly believe (and have expressed here) the idea that people should take care of their own kids and let the grandparents off the hook. But theologically, the focus of Christianity–at least on what Jesus said–is more a focus of giving and sharing than one of taking care of yourself.</p>
<p>taking care of yourself and others does not preclude any one from taking responsibility for their own decisions. </p>
<p>i am NOT saying that people shouldn’t be caring and take care of others in need. sometimes the best you can do in taking care of yourself is just not enough. then others should help. we must help as we can. however, to avoid the responsibility of your actions and decisions and to ask others to step in and help when you are not willing to help yourself is an issue.</p>
<p>the prodigal son was welcomed home. while he was gone, he was responsible for his own decision to leave. when he returned, the family was responsible for their decision to welcome him home.</p>
<p>the good samaritan was responsible for his decision to help. the others who did not help were ultimately held accountable for their actions, too.</p>
<p>people can do both. but in the end, they are ultimately responsible for their own actions and decisions.</p>
That’s how we try to look at our education $$$ investments over the years- no one can take that away from my kids!</p>