<p>I think a marriage works when both H and W are not counting marbles. There is no win or loss in a relationship. That’s why I insisted on why criticizing is a problem? When you are in a relation, you should be open to criticism. Listening point of view of the other person will take the relation a long way. But if you go on counting marbles the relationship will never work because you will always be stressing about the lost marbles.</p>
<p>DW criticism about Harvard was one time thing because I listened, went through the exercise of what could have been done better but also was able to point out during the course of discussion that DD is happy with the end result and it’s her application process and we should be supportive of her decisions.</p>
<p>Taking time to listen to the spouse is the best remedy of any problem in a relationship. If OP has just listened more to OP’s DH and tried to agree to the point that yes it could have been better if he had taken more interest in DS college admission process may be he could have provided a different angle to DS. Changing the discussion slowly from “It’s a failure on OP’s part” to “It would have been different if OP’s DH has taken a more active role” would have calmed down the situation.</p>
<p>Years ago, as CEO of my company and working 100 hours per week, I had many “marbles”. I sold my company and retired, thinking I would have even more marbles. Once at home, I observed what my wife had been doing for a “living” (stay-at-home-mom) all these years. I was in awe! Never had I ever observed such savvy business skills, and made to look so easy.</p>
<p>She had never even had a cold before, and then one day she caught a really, really bad flu. I took over her duties for the next week. It was the most exhausting week of my life. True story.</p>
<p>POIH, take a hint. Give it up. No one here agrees with you and nothing you can say will change that. You seem to get your kicks by propagating your ridiculous point of view throughout CC and stirring up controversy. You are so very tiresome. Please, just go away.</p>
<p>As to meeting with GC, there are some interesting things:
It was great info to get her un-official class rank- not what my H expected, to say the least! (he was expecting higher, so a good reality check). This is what started him thinking a bit more realistically.
I only wish that the private schools started these GC discussions in 9th grade- Spring of 11th is just too late to do anything to change the profile significantly…
Gc’s at schools like my D’s (full of high-achievers) do tend to reduce expectations- it makes their job easier, so it is easy to write off some of their more negative comments… But what is the reality? leaves us parents too much room to guess and fantasize lol!
Naviance: at my D’s school the average stats for a given college’s acceptees are much higher than the national averages, unfortunately (proof that going to an excellent school may actually hurt your chances of attending the most selective colleges… also possible proof that colleges have informal quotas by school, or that they expect more from private school kids???) and this is enhanced because Naviance numbers without the legacies, athletes and URM’s applying from her school would be even HIGHER. Last, getting good grades at this school is not easy!</p>
<p>So, anyway, this thread is going to really help us as a family. I am seeing my H gradually [very!!] become more realistic- HOORAY! Patience on my part helps. Thanks for listening. Getting my thoughts straight on this board helps me keep the emotion out of it- so much better than having a difficult moment with my H about all this- that is for sure.</p>
<p>Are you in anyway obligated to read the posts? I hope you don’t have this attitude with everyone you dislike for any conceivable reason. I don’t even want to dare to think how you might be treating people FOBs in Florida( there must be tons of them).</p>
<p>I’ve always maintained that everyone who is Educated is not Literate and these incidents on the CC prove it time after time.</p>
<p>yay, performersmom! The admissions rates and stats, naviance and class rank are good things to help. They’re simply facts, not your opinions, so your H can’t argue with them. </p>
<p>In the end, the goal is for all of you to feel good about the colleges your D gets accepted to and for her to feel good about them as well. If you end up dropping her off colleg with the parting words, “Well, it’s not Princeton but I guess you’ll be ok,” then we have all failed. You need to be able to drop her off - WHEREVER IT IS - with, “You have worked so hard to get here, and together we all found this place where we think you can thrive, a place that wants you to be here. Good luck, take advantage of all it has to offer, and we support you.”</p>
<p>“Seriously, though, I do think that men do have a harder time dealing with an inbalance of marbles when they perceive themselves as having less because of our culture’s perception that men are supposed to be the (gag) more logical, smarter sex. When men feel that they don’t have more marbles, they can feel emasculated…so some will just be petty…and some will more seriously lash out. "
The whole marbles analogy, and the above post, are just about the most profoundly, enlightening, truthful words I have read in a very long time. For me, it’s ranks up there with " Women are from Venus-Men are from Mars”.
Thank you for shining a clear light on a very murky subject!</p>
<p>“I’ve always maintained that everyone who is Educated is not Literate and these incidents on the CC prove it time after time.”
As do your posts…</p>
<p>POIH, I ask this question with genuine sincerity, “If you were to ask your wife if she believes your relationship is an equal partnership, what would she say?” Honestly? Didn’t she really want to look into buying the second house, did you hear her out or just decide it wasn’t the right decision and that was that? Do you listen to her, or hear her? Just asking. What would she really say?</p>
<p>I can’t speak for DW and you’ll have to ask her that question.</p>
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<p>We do take individual decisions on the matter we’ve decided to be the lead on but with approval from other or by letting the other person know after the fact and convince or revert the decision.</p>
<p>We reached a decision that putting all our eggs in the same basket(buying the second house in the same earthquake prone area) is not a good idea. Also DW indicated that since her mom is not keeping well she would prefer to be spending more time near her and she doesn’t want to stay with her brother (with whom the mother is living). So she suggested that we buy an apartment near her mom house. We bought an apartment near her mom place and she went back recently to get the possession and furnished it. She is very creative and I respect all her decisions in that area. She spent around $20K on furnishing the apartment without any question other than discussing pros and cons of some of the appliances.</p>
<p>So it did work out well for us. We have a second home (not with a pool and large backyard) but in a place where DW would be able to spend considerable time. That’s the power of listening to others in the relationship.</p>
<p>PerformersMom, I’m so glad that your DH is absorbing the information, it’s so good to be realistic about the process. A family friend kept saying that my realistic approach was ‘shortchanging’ my son. “Can’t get accepted if you don’t apply”, but his kids went through the process 10 years ago. Naviance, and CC are fabulous resources to help us keep it real; while still encouraging our kids to go for it.</p>
<p>POIH, since we can’t ask your wife; why don’t you ask her and let us know what she says? I wasn’t asking you to speak for her, I was asking you to ask her…when she’s not at the apartment…</p>
<p>I’ll bet furnishing that apartment near the mother in law must have been fun. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the budget for the furnishing was “discussed” :rolleyes:</p>
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