At the risk of being sanctioned, I just want to point out that these days politics is very divisive. I think some gloom may be due to that.
This strikes a chord. The sadness I sometimes feel might be related to the loss of mountains. I’ve been goal-oriented all my life, but my focus was always getting over and past the mountain range as quickly as possible to what I perceived to be the smooth sailing of the flat lands. I’ve posted in other threads that I started planning for retirement from the first day of my first job out of college, a 38-year countdown to walking away from the tether of a job, any job. I never wanted to work. Or have kids. Or travel. So now I’m retired, our only (surprise and late-born) child is successfully launched, and DH and I are healthy in body, relationship, and bank account, but the general zest for life is gone, and I have no idea where to find it here in the surprisingly meaningless flat land. Life has become, well, flat, despite having arrived precisely where I’d planned.
As to meaningless… That’s another can of worms. My faith informs where my hope and purpose lie, so now I feel guilty as well as depressed that my belief system is is perhaps not as strong and fed as I thought it was. I’ll leave it at that so we don’t wander into forbidden territory, but sometimes I feel I’ve lost a bit of my blessed assurance, too.
On the surface, nothing is wrong with/in my life, so I go on with hobbies and parties and marriage and family and community, but something is just “off,” and it’s definitely related to the inexorable march of time (that’s also stomping on the face I see in the mirror). If there are no mountains left to climb, then why go on? This can’t be all there is down here, so I’m trying to figure out how I should be using and finding meaning in the time I have left. I’ve always been intrigued by the question, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” I’ve been afraid to consider the answer because I’m sure it will reveal years of wasted time, but I think this is where I need to go if I’m to leave this world with no regrets.
Or perhaps I should just spend more time on the Internet reading how everyone else is dealing with this phase of life. Just a little bit longer…
I, too, feel unsettled as another year comes to a close. Strongly felt the urge today to call my sister and ask if we could meet for lunch soon, but a few months ago she and her husband moved 1,800 miles away. This coming weekend DD (my one and only) will be returning to college for her last semester. Time seems to be moving much too rapidly. I remember thinking that the year 2000, when I would be 42, was so very far in the future…and now we are 20 years past that. We are in the northeast and the constant white skies and dreariness is getting me (further) down. Thanks to whoever started this thread. I rejoined CC after reading these posts… A lot of kindness here.
I just want to say I’m impressed with how eloquent everyone one is here. I find myself nodding yes all the time.
I was just about to say exactly the same as Conmama. What great writers with incredible insight, both for the mountains and flatlands. And thanks to all for sharing. Both DH and I are currently in a similar place as many of you, and just reading these posts has been uplifiting. Recently, he mentioned how much we have experienced in the last 10 years (both good and bad). That gives me hope that the next 10 will be a full journey as well, even if I don’t have a map yet. The suggestion to spread kindness, no matter how small, is a fantastic start.
@ChoatieMom , you and I seem to be cut from the same cloth. I have always been goal oriented, and the more novelty and adventure and challenge involved in getting to that goal, the better!
My current goal involves being more present and finding joy in that. This is my biggest mountain ever, and the seemingly endless switchbacks are a frustration. But I feel like I need to master this!
I often think (oh so darkly!), if I knew today was my last day alive, how would I drink it all in to make it as full as possible? Interesting challenge… And not one that plays to my strong suit.
Happy 2020!
At midlife, I made a 90-degree turn and changed what I do for living. To get to that point, I had to take a road that was not easy and was quite stressful at times, but so far, it feels like I made the right choice. I love my career. It is mentally stimulating, challenging, and very rewarding, to use all the cliche words. I can take as many days off as need as long as I hit my goals (no, I don’t get to sit on the beach most days, sorry, and I will be working tomorrow, but no regrets). There is no corporate BS or office politics… my bosses are tough but reasonable. Some days do feel like a slog when I get to work on a dead end project for a client that insists on beating the dead horse or when I have to do mechanistic, procedural stuff… but the occasional “holy crap, it does work, doesn’t it?!” Eureka kind of thing makes those moments fade away. I hope to get good 15-20 years out of this career, but if I don’t, I am not going to cry. My issue is my Mr. He is a bit older, and he feels like he needs to get something done that he has not accomplished yet (mind you, this guy’s work to date already saves thousands of lives across the globe!). He feels that he has not accomplished what he wanted to do, and this year, he embarked on a new adventure that sadly came to an abrupt stop. He can retire comfortably now with me working and rebalancing his portfolios, but he is stubborn - he wants that last thing accomplished. So far, he was always successful in always what he did. I am afraid that if his current plans do not take him where he wants to be, the landing will be hard. He is not the type to do house projects in retirement. He does like to take care of the yard etc. but he needs the mental stimulation of his profession. That, unfortunately, can’t be done out of one’s garage. I am on pins and needles thinking about what new year would bring… and it makes me anxious. Hugs to all who feel anxiety about the new year!
As @MomofWildChild mentioned the last couple of years I have picked a word/phrase for the year for ME.
2019’s phrase is going to be carried into 2020. “Lighten Up” . This means more than one thing to me…
Lighten up - don’t be so rigid and structured
Lighten up - try and not get stuck on the little things in life (or w/H)
Lighten up - lose a couple of pounds? Sure!
Lighten up - put more “light” - sunshine - in my day. More time outside, explore more activities that widen my world.
I have found that when “stuck” thinking of MY words helps me.
Thank you for this thread. It has made me tear up, cheer, and smile in equal measure this week. I will turn 50 this year, and this of course feels like a turning point. My oldest will graduate and has 7 EA acceptances and lots of lucky choices. On the other hand, my youngest is struggling with mental health and substance issues and is testing us to the core. My husband and I are teachers with 20+ years in. DH is thriving, I am burned out hardcore. Oh, and hello perimenopause. So there’s that. Balancing it all and deciding what’s next and helping everyone through everything is getting to me. But I’m ever hopeful as we turn the page on the calendar. Looking forward to 2020 and any sage advice this thread can offer. Taking it one day at a time. Cheers to all.
Wow…I have lurked for several years and never really felt the need to post but this one hits me hard. I am 54 years old and have been feeling quite uneasy for the last few years. My 20 year old son left home for college 2 years ago but returned home in August and will finish up at our local university while he lives at home. I initially thought the uneasiness was due to the empty nest but it clearly is not. The nest is no longer empty but I still feel very uneasy. I lost my best friend from high school last year. It was sudden and unexpected. Even though we were no longer as close as we once were, her death hit me really hard. I have a busy and stressful job that I enjoy for the most part. My marriage is stronger than it has been in years. But something is off and I struggle to put my finger on it. It’s comforting to realize I am not alone in this.
I don’t know if reading this thread makes me feel better or worse. I guess we are all at a phase where we have more past than future, the present isn’t what we want it to be, and we have no reason to believe the future will be better (although I’m pretty sure mine will be better if I can ever afford to retire LOL).
I just deleted a long paragraph about the issues in my life, because I don’t really want to get personal here, but suffice it to say I’m in the same boat.
Yes. I feel uneasy and a bit down. But also better than I did two years ago, so there’s that.
Two years ago in November my very healthy, active duty Army physician husband got a crazy cancer diagnosis, and just like that our world changed. A few days before Christmas that year he had a 12 hour surgery, followed by intra abdominal hot chemo, a few months of one after another bizarre medical emergencies and a few rounds of “what the hell why not” adjuvant chemo.
He is amazingly healthy two years out, with clean scans and blood work since the surgery, back to full time work and (surprisingly) still on active duty as a physician… and yet that unease persists.
Why us? Why not us? We are living our lives one day at a time, but life is a lot more “real” than it ever was. Even as the wife of a deployed to Iraq (Baghdad during the worst) and then to Afghanistan physician I never felt as tentative as I do now.
If all goes well he hits 30 years and retirement in 2021. It’s become difficult to think farther ahead than the next scan, even though at two years out the chances of recurrence drop.
Besides that, social media and the political climate (no matter where you stand) has impacted us. Family and friends have said things in writing - things they would never have said face to face - that make it difficult to unsee. So there is a tension that exists now, out in the open, yet also unspoken. How do we get past this?
It seems as though suddenly, and recently, death has visited us more closely and more frequently, and in upsetting circumstances. Friends, family, a college aged distant family member, it seems that a lot of people we know and love have died in the last few years.
Death is there. He always has been, but until recently we could pretend he wasn’t there for us or for our loved ones. It gets harder as we are in our 60’s, to pretend he isn’t coming for us all.
I think that is the basis for our collective unease. Death. He can’t be outrun or ignored.
(This post reads very morbid. It wasn’t really meant to be that morbid at all.)
That old expression about only being as happy as your least happy child? Well, in past few months my son married and completed his PhD. He is working hard to finish some projects while applying for jobs. Then the couple will move to the west coast, even farther from me. But they will be together, choosing the best job for him, and an apartment than a house. I’m relieved and pleased for him, but I feel not needed.
I don’t have enough to retire,( whatever that means), plus I like what I do for a living. In some ways, I feel like I’m at my peak, work wise. If I travel, I’ll join a group, as I would not be comfortable traveling abroad as a single woman. I used to love to,travel, first with my parents, then with partner, & then with my son. I know I should downsize from my 4 bedroom house, but to live by ocean would cost more, and I’d have to adjust to condo living. I consider my house my luxury. So, my only goal for 2020 is to get a dog, continue to de clutter, visit/ help son and DIL with relocation, and accept that I’ll continue working and living. In my house.
@bookworm speaks to me about the least-happy child. Ds1 is in a serious, wonderful relationship. We’ve now spent two holidays with her, and we’ve met her parents, who we love and who love our son. It’s going so well for him, and that makes me happy. He still “needs” me to edit his grad-school papers. He never let me read his undergrad stuff so I am enjoying this new point of contact. I think this serious relationship – his first, really – has kind of opened him up and made him more open around us. In some ways it’s made me a little sad that he wasn’t always like that, but for now I’m just enjoying seeing this side of him. Ds2 is struggling. No one would be able to tell from the outside, but a mother knows. He’s handsome and funny and has a great job, but it’s not the job he wants, and he hasn’t dated for three years because the ex did a number on him. He is not interested in the hookup culture, though he has access to a lot of women who would like to hook up. I think he feels lonely and unhappy and that’s always a low hum in my background.
This thread’s melancholy is refreshing to me.
If it were the last day, “how would I drink it all in to make it as full as possible?” Love this and have practiced something similar. Usually, referring to it as a little longer- a year or 6 months.
Thing is, per me, there’s nothing wrong with dissatisfaction or unease. But then what are you going to do about it? As a catalyst for change, it’s good. Just churning or festering, not so much. I personally find small change can be just as effective. In fact, when you’re already not comfy, it ratchets down the intensity of changes needed, that can be nice. Sometimes, it’s enough to make one stab/day. Eg, one attempt to “lighten up” in some respect. Not looking down the nose of the whole year’s journey. Bite-sized.
It’s interesting to read about the people still working at jobs they like. This is my main regret. I had a child with special needs, and a now-ex husband who never helped. I found stimulation when kids were a bit older by running some political campaigns in town, volunteering in the arts, and so on, but never got back to the paid work I loved in my 30’s. I still find myself thinking I will go back to school, and have a career, which is probably not going to happen since I am almost 70. It’s kind of a mental loop.
We have people running for president who are older. I mean, I could do school and work in some fields. I think about it, but then I plop on the couch and watch Netflix again! Fatigue is real.
Reading this, sometimes I think, for my older years, it is almost a blessing to have had so many limitations on what I could do every day. I am used to yielding. I am used to finding small things to keep me going. During the worst times, when three family members were very ill in various ways, I was grateful for a good book or even a dish of ice cream. I honestly feel that low expectations of life can be a blessing.
I live in a very small apartment and make it nice. Kind of a metaphor. Kids can visit, using couch and inflatable bed. It’s working.
In my late 60’s I have found things I love to do and savor them. I actually have a chance to do them now. Because I couldn’t for so long, I think it is even more delicious to be able to, say, take an art class, and not worry about anyone else for those hours.
The prospect of growing old and dying doesn’t bother me at all as long as my kids are okay. I am watching my mother age well into her 90’s and hope my kids don’t have to do what I am doing.
I think the ambigity of this time of life comes from the medical advances that keep people living so much longer. People age 65 or so are much younger than they used to be, in terms of how we are viewed, and how we feel about ourselves. So I think it is hard to know if we should be working, volunteering, resting? Should we live near our kids who are moving around, or should we stay put? That kind of thing.
Retirement or not working (In my case) doesn’t feel like the flatlands at all to me. I wish I had the money to travel and make more of this time but it’s fine. I truly think that most of the people posting who are leery of retirement will find they are busier than ever when they do. There are endless things to do.
Finally, my most basic goal at this time is to do no harm. That is enough.
I am in a rough patch right now, too. My mom died, my dad will not be close behind her and in the meantime will be very difficult to handle. One of my brothers is an alcoholic and is in trouble. That leaves me and one other sib to hold things together. I feel like my birth family is falling apart. My own family and life are okay so I cling to that. Kids are doing fine, husband is not very helpful but also not hurtful.
I have a one day at a time approach. I have looked towards the end of the year and can see the next bad things that will happen over the next few months, but I am going to glance up and then keep my head down and focused on the task at hand. I do take pleasure in a few simple things: running and other forms of exercise, pets, taking classes to learn new things.
Here we are 2020, the first morning. May the struggles feel a little less daunting this morning and the support here be always present!
Very true @abasket . Now that the new year is here, I am going to focus on things I want to do this year, be it big or small.
Count me in as another person who is full of angst about retirement. On one hand, this is always what we’ve worked and saved for, when you retire you can do anything you want and there is no stress, right? That is my husband’s vision of retirement. He has hundreds of projects lined up, stacks of newspaper and magazine articles cut out about all the projects and travels he wants to accomplish. I have nothing but chores on my list. I am defined by my job. I still enjoy my work quite a bit, I like the money, the challenge, it’s still interesting to me. But I see my life flying by so quickly when I work, a month can pass in the blink of an eye. We are watching co-workers get sick and drop dead of what is likely job related illnesses (hard to tell, but the odds seem pretty bad). Our company, a stalwart in the industry, is not doing very well, and it’s shocking. In this booming economy, not everyone has prospered. Trade wars and competition seem to be hitting us hard, and there’s uncertainty about what will happen to us in the future.
I’m not sure how to get rid of these uneasy feelings, but I think I’m going to attempt more athletic goals. Sometimes, I feel like the only way to get rid of this feeling is to run really hard. But I’m out of shape, and it’s tough to run that hard. Need to find a way to overcome laziness and fatigue, and get off the couch.