i love everything about my school except the social life

Parent Cafe
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<p>based on what i post here these days (having mostly disappeared in the last year or so), you might think i’m always dissatisfied. this is not at all the case; when i’m happy, which is most of the time, i am simply too busy to be writing any of it down… </p>

<p>so. talking to my friend who is a freshman at another school tonight, i’ve just now come to realize how unhappy i am with the social life at my college. </p>

<p>until now i’ve blamed myself for my apparent failure to form real friendships with more than a handful of people here, but hearing what it’s like somewhere else, i don’t think that’s right. i am beginning to think that socially, this school is just a terrible fit for me.</p>

<p>and i’d apply to transfer, but i love my classes here, i’m a sophomore already, i’ve found an academic niche if not a social one, there’s funding in abundance for the sorts of internships i want to do, the speakers and performers who come to campus are fantastic, there’s a foreign study program i’m applying to go on next fall, i have a reasonably interesting and reasonably well-paid on-campus job, i’m close enough to home that i don’t have to fly, my boyfriend of over a year is here, and of course there’s that sought-after cachet of an ivy league diploma. and let’s be honest, after the exercise in trial and error that was freshman year, i don’t have the grades to transfer anyway. </p>

<p>but listening to my friend describe the social options at her college* that just don’t exist here, i can’t help but feel envious.</p>

<p>**incidentally, a school i applied to in '07 that rejected me, not because they didn’t want me but because i’m nominally “international” and they weren’t going to pony up the financial aid i needed, as per the admissions officer who called my high school guidance counselor to explain all this.*</p>

<p>barring joining an athletic team (already tried, too time-consuming) or a singing group (a physical impossibility), is there anything i’m missing that i should try? i cite those two examples because they seem to be some of the most self-evident social networks, based on what i’ve seen.</p>

<p>thanks in advance!</p>

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<p>Sorry to hear you are unhappy.</p>

<p>Have you considered a service organization–Habitat for Humanity comes to mind, although I am sure there are many others. I have found great comraderie when working for a cause.</p>

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<p>Did you try the Greek system? In essence, its purpose is to develop friendships.</p>

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<p>You very seriously have not found social happiness if you’re writing this Saturday night of Home Coming which my freshman makes sound like the second coming. I’d love to hear how you view the social environment. Are the parties as non stop as they seem? Do most students still have their eye on the ball? So how did the academics trip you up?</p>

<p>Reading about rush in The Dartmouth confused me. There’s a matching process so kids don’t have the choice?</p>

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<p>yeah, i tried to rush, but when i only got invited back to one of the sororities i was interested in (either because i’m horribly awkward or because the sorority girls i know number in the single digits, unclear which) i dropped out rather than risk ending up in one i didn’t really want to be in. i’m planning to rush again in the winter, but after getting burned once i don’t want to set my hopes too high.</p>

<p>getting involved in community service is a good idea; i’ve been hesitant to add more extracurriculars to my schedule because i’m already so busy with work and activities, but it might be a good way to meet more people. </p>

<p>it just seems like everyone here met their best friends freshman fall and aren’t that interested in expanding their social circle, but i had mono my first term here and didn’t get out much (my freshman floor was also pretty antisocial). it isn’t even the pervasive drinking that’s a problem so much as the venue for it; i guess i’m more the type to enjoy a glass of wine (or a fruity cocktail…or a cup of wholesomely nonalcoholic tea) and halfway-intelligent conversation with 10-20 people rather than spend friday evening knocking back cans of keystone light in a crowded frat basement where the music is so loud that you can’t hear yourself talk, getting totally wasted, and hooking up with a sweet dude with whom i can then spend the rest of term awkwardly avoiding making eye contact in line at food court.</p>

<p>and the reason i’m not out right now is… i genuinely don’t feel like drinking tonight.</p>

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<p>hmom5: for sorority rush, there is a matching system wherein prospective new members rank their sororities, sororities rank prospective new members, and a computer program somehow combines the two lists and spits out assignments (first for invitations back to more parties, then for actual bids). this year there were many more girls rushing than there were spaces in the sororities, so not everyone could get a bid, and i think about a hundred dropped out. i’ve heard fraternity rush is significantly more laid-back, but i don’t know the details of its operations.</p>

<p>as for the academics: mono. at my worst, between midterms and finals, i was sleeping 12-16 hours a day. to my credit i hardly ever missed class, but in between sleep and doctor’s appointments, whatever work i did wasn’t exactly stellar. </p>

<p>that, and economics (freshman winter) was never my forte. :o on the other hand, i have done very well in my government, geography, and public policy courses, and after this term my grade point average will begin looking borderline respectable.</p>

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<p>by the way, it kills me that i sound so negative here… as i said in my original post and in the subject line, there are a lot of things i love here, and it’s not that i have no friends. but the friends i do have here are ones that i’ve acquired in spite of the prevailing social dynamic, not because of it, and swimming against the proverbial current all the time gets kind of tiring (if you’ll excuse my metaphor).</p>

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<p>camelia:</p>

<p>A lot of people find their social niche through their ECs. Choose an EC that you really are interested in. Even if you can’t sing or act, you can still be part of a performing group, albeit behind the scenes. If you enjoy writing, you can join a newspaper, perhaps.
Community service is another way to meet people; not just the people you serve but the other students in the organization.
You don’t need to have hordes of friends. Just a few good ones.
I’m glad you enjoy your classes!</p>

9

<p>I was a bit surprised when my youngest fell in love with Dartmouth. He’s a real NYC kid and I thought the isolation would be difficult. Once we got over that hump I began to see what I think he saw. Dartmouth seems like such an inclusive community. Yet thinking about it I do wonder how kids do there that don’t want to take part in lots of partying. You can’t pick up and find a whole new venue for the night. </p>

<p>A disappointing rush is enough to get anyone down. But it sounds like you love your classes and found a bf (you at least really like…) and that’s a lot! All three of my kids have been happy with their colleges so far but if CC is a data point, many kids are not that happy. This appears to be for many reasons from unrealistic expectations to just a bad fit. Yet I wonder if it pays to make it work for most if they can. </p>

<p>The whole distraction of applications, the transition, a new set of pros and cons makes me wonder if it’s all worth it. If there’s a school you think is a great fit and you can hit the ground running it’s one thing. If it’s a guess on another school and there isn’t a clear academic benefit for the transfer the ones I’ve seen don’t generally benefit the student.</p>

<p>I think soph year is often hard. The newness has worn off and the grind begins. Try and really focus on the importance of what you’re studying in terms of what you want to be doing in 3 years. Make a few quality friends, keep the bf if he’s a good one and the less than 3 years will fly by and you’ll be well positioned for the future.</p>

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<p>i’m on the newspaper staff, college democrats, and the international relations journal, and i also go to many of the political discussion groups. the trouble with the first two is that they’re huge organizations, and a lot of what they do takes place outside of the office/meetings, so it’s not as tight-knit as, say, an a cappella group that rehearses together several hours a week and only has 20 people in it. right now i’m also a photographer for the newspaper, which doesn’t really lend itself to much interaction; i’ve been thinking about applying for writing (probably editorial) next term, both because i think i might enjoy it and because it might be more conducive to getting to know people.</p>

<p>the friends i have are from such different contexts (various classes and activities, mostly), and many of them don’t know each other, so while i never have to worry about eating alone, it’s harder to get a group together for any kind of activity – i hang out with one or sometimes two people at a time, but it’s all pretty disjointed.</p>

<p>i had hoped that joining a sorority would take care of some of this, so having to drop out of rush was pretty disappointing. i hope i’ll get in somewhere in the winter, especially now that most of my friends have pledged and might be able to put in a good word for me.</p>

<p>i’m definitely lucky to have a boyfriend, but i also make it a priority to have a satisfying social life independently of him (we have some mutual friends, but not all). i don’t think it’d be healthy otherwise.</p>

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<p>tealeaf: your posts are much too introspective and this self examination may be projected towards others. No one wants to hear about someone else’s problems, they have enough of their own. Try being more extraspective and caring for others. IOW give more and you will receive. --Join more group EC’s that are done in groups.</p>

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<p>i definitely don’t think i’ll actually transfer, because if i’m totally honest with myself, the positives of dartmouth by far outweigh the negatives. talking to my friend from high school made me consider it for a moment (sort of a “what if…”), but realistically it’s not something i want to do, and i would rather make the most of what i have here.</p>

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<p>longprime: yeah, you’re right. it’s a character flaw.</p>

<p>(concision, for once. success!)</p>

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<p>I think you met your boyfriend even before the school started. I don’t know how much time you spent with him freshman year, but I think it may have prevented you from making friends with girls. My daughter just started a relationship her sophomore year. She said it’s hard to have a relationship and still hang out with her friends (boys and girls). My daughter is kind of funny (not ha ha), she actually said to her boyfriend that for the relationship to work, he’ll need to give her a lot of space. Even with this heads up, he already complained about not spending enough time together. </p>

<p>It may not be the case with you, but I am just wondering in having a BF prevented you from have best girlfriends.</p>

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<p>My daughter has 3 best girlfriends from freshman year and they all joined the same sorority. She loves it because it gave her 40 new friends. The only thing to be aware of is it is rather time consuming, at least at Cornell. They are required to be seen and go to certain parties (mixers), and all of those parties do involve alcohol. Her sorority has a nice girl image, so they are fairly strict/careful about getting sloppy at parties, they actually assign a few girls at each event to stay sober to keep an eye on everyone. Just make sure you have enough time to commit to it before you join and make sure it’s the right fit, not so much of its ranking.</p>

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<p>Hey there- </p>

<p>I honestly wasn’t the happiest at Dartmouth my first year, I even thought of transferring again. I didn’t have a real social niche, and even though I knew a lot of people I didn’t really feel like I was the part of anything. Three years later by graduation I couldn’t have loved Dartmouth more. I had the experience of a lifetime, great friendships, and just total love for the place. So what changed? </p>

<p>I was able to find a great group of friends outside the greek scene. I got involved in activities on campus like Dream (I highly advise this!) I met people on my study abroad program, and sophomore summer really was a pivotal time when I lived in an off campus house with 6 people who went on to become my best friends in the world. I totally see how the social experience can be intimidating, but I think you’ll really see that once the crazy immaturity of first year is over there will be many people like you. You just need to look in the right places. I think getting involved with activities is a great start. Study abroad programs and sophomore summer will just seal the deal and I’m optimistic that you’ll find “your dartmouth.”</p>

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<p>thanks, slipper1234, that’s really good to hear from someone who’s been there. :)</p>

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<p>Having a bf from the start of freshman year would sure limit friendship forming for most. I remember back in the dark ages that we always temporarily lost a gf when they entered into a new relationship. How is everything in paradise, could this be an issue? Classes and activities you love, lots of school offerings to look forward to, a bf of a year and a handful of friends…that should add up to content most often.</p>

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<p>the boyfriend, mono, and general new-situation-shyness on my part probably combined to get me off to a shaky start, i think.</p>

<p>also, i went to a very small school (50 students in my graduating class) from 7th to 12th grade, and by the time i graduated, i’d found a really great group of friends, split about evenly between guys and girls. i think what i haven’t been able to find here, and what i miss, is the feeling of belonging to a group and doing things together in a group setting.</p>

<p>like i said, most of my friends here don’t know each other, and though i’ve tried a couple of times to make plans with more than a few of them it’s not always easy (due to everyone having busy schedules and plans changing at the last minute) and it feels a bit contrived to socially-engineer a group that way. while it was still warm outside i went kayaking with three friends, which was a lot of fun and probably the most success i’ve had with that.</p>

<p>i’ve tentatively raised my concern with a few friends recently (on separate occasions) and they’ve seemed surprised; apparently i come across as a “social butterfly” because i’m always meeting someone for lunch or running into someone i know on the way to class. but i still miss being able to hang out with several different people at the same time, having inside jokes and a general frame of reference, and doing something together other than eating or talking.</p>

<p>now that i’ve analyzed this to death, as is my unfortunate habit, i’m tempted to conclude that (a) maybe i just miss my friends from high school and (b) i must do better at rush next time, because that might be the solution. </p>

<p>coincidentally, most of my friends ended up in three of the four sororities that were my favorites the first time around, so my instincts on “fit” were actually pretty good. here’s to winter rush, i guess?</p>

<p>thanks for the advice, and i’m sorry about all the introspection. i’m not this insufferable in person, i promise!</p>

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<p>No prob cama. You also might think about joining class council. Great way to meet a bunch of people. Also the ultimite frisbee kids tend to be pretty laid back. There’s a pretty great off campus type culture that seems to develop starting with sophomore summer. Also rushing will be great. But I would look outside the greek system as well…</p>