<p>As a dad I feel that same longing when a son leaves as some of the moms feel when their daughters are gone. In my case, I did not feel the impact until two years later. That’s when our house projects, travels, and denial finally ran out. He is not with us, and he is so independent that I know he’s not coming back for any length of time (except maybe for Christmas). I’ve been desperately seeking to fill that void, to give more meaning to my life. Our relationships in our neighborhood are largely determined by our children and how they interact with others. I feel like my wife and I are on the outside looking in. How I long to have those days come back if only briefly.</p>
<p>After two days of reading these heartfelt outpourings, I find I must add my thoughts. How right you all are–the “him-shaped hole in the fabric of me” comment hit me hard. In my case multipy it by two, as my twins (BOYS!) flew the coop this year. I don’t know if I have two him-shaped holes or one big “them-shaped” one. Just when I think I’ve gotten through a whole day without my heart hurting, I’ll manage to hear a tear jerking song on the way home from work (I’ve literally had to pull off the road), linger too long by the empty bedrooms,…well, you all know the triggers. I’ve concluded that I never want to get OVER it, I just am aiming for getting THROUGH it. (And it is getting better–slowly)</p>
<p>It is good to hear that I am not alone in the BOY dilemma–why don’t they understand that we mommies (and daddies, too) don’t merely WANT to know what’s going on with them, we NEED to know. S1 is in more frequent contact than S2, who seems to have decided that he only needs to talk to us if we command an audience. Perhaps I do over-exaggerate that, but only a little bit! I know they are both happy where they are, and am thrilled that they are handling whatever problems have come their way, but boy-o, were those first phone calls from the laundry room sweet!</p>
<p>I am awaiting the first bout of illness–fall traditionally comes with URIs, and with the extra germ-breeding atmosphere that is the college dorm, I kind of expect them both to get hit with a doozy. It will be hard not to jump in the car to minister with Vicks vapo rub and a kiss on the forehead to check temperatures! I wonder if with mommy-radar I will be able to hear them cough or wheeze in the middle of the night–</p>
<p>uhohh–here come the weepies–where are my tissues???</p>
<p>Venado - thank you for the beautifully put thoughts. And Redsquared, I am always on the lookout for company in the BOY dilemma department. Welcome.</p>
<p>Venado! You little beauty! What an astounding thing for a FATHER to articulate. But so TRUE!! How did you figure out what is was you were longing for? One friend told me her H had $100k of therapy before he figured it out.</p>
<p>My DH is so sad about the advent of our empty nest (1 more year). He thinks time is his enemy. He keeps throwing wrenches into the works to see if he can turn the clock back to–say–1999, when the boys were 11 and 13.</p>
<p>Honeslty, men do such a good job of camouflaging their interests (cars, sports, military, competitions, statistics) it is a shock to discover what really makes them tick. If I wasn’t living through this with DH, I might not have advised my sons to create time and space for children and family life–before they are 30. Therein lies a man’s true joy. Or so it seems.</p>
<p>When my husband found out I was expecting our first child he said, “I hope it isn’t a boy. I am not ready to be anyone’s role model.”</p>
<p>As it turns out, raising those boys was the highlight of his life. Everything else pales by comparison.</p>
<p>Cyber hugs to you Venado…</p>
<p>The wonderful thing about this Board is that one can find such wonderful responses to life’s problems. As a man and as a dad, I did a lot of covering up of my pain when my son left. It was only when I blew up and admitted to my wife that my sadness and pain was the departure of our son did I start feeling better. I literally started crying when I finally got it out. But it has made me feel better. It was literally like a morning had opened up for me. I am thankful that I had that brief moment of “weakness” that allowed me to express my true feelings for my son. I hope that all of you find your own special solutions.</p>
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<p>Venado~</p>
<p>This happened with my dh too. He still cries from time to time about it, and he’s not one that shows emotion that openly. Our son’s leaving has affected him very deeply, as it has me. We both feel a profound sense of loss at his being so far away. {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} to you and your wife as you make this difficult adjustment. ~berurah</p>
<p>What is difficult for me is that many of my friends have daughters at school and they call their moms/homes frequently to chat about school,etc. It is so different with a son…once a week he calls and we never know when it will be.
He tells us how things are going, etc. and sounds content, and challenged.
I am thankful that he is happy, engaged academically and socially,and that he is independent, but I miss the more frequent contact. Ah, the plight of being the mom of boys! We have a close relationship with him, he just doesn’t feel the need to call more than that and it is an adjustment for me, much more so than for my husband.</p>
<p>Once a week is actually a pretty good rate for sons, I’m told.</p>
<p>My daughter calls infrequently. Maybe 1x a week… So it’s not just boys. I am thinking she’ll have more time to call when her sports season is over. When I do talk to her, she tells me she barely has time to get her work done, she’s so busy. It’s okay; when I need to talk I call her.</p>
<p>
Sounds good, SBmom but parents of sons may want to be aware that “your mileage may vary.” My experience is that calling my S is, as DH would say, a “non-starter.” If I call him, I get monosyllable responses, distracted air and a quick ring-off. OTOH, if he calls me, always for a specific need, never just to chat, he will be amiable and a bit chatty, which is as chatty as he gets.</p>
<p>jmmom, it sounds like our experiences are the same! I restrain myself from calling for that very reason- if its his idea, there is much more information forthcoming. I had a request to mail his tennis shoes for intramurals and by the way, would “you please send some hot sauce- there isn’t any decent stuff up here”? to which I obliged and felt momentarily needed. I just want to stay connected, but not be hovering…difficult with a firstborn, independent son who needs a little space to keep his sanity. Also, its hard when they are a plane ride away, instead of a car ride away. He is a 5 hour plane ride north.</p>
<p>And I have the third in the triad, jmmom and shutterbug312, and he’s a 5 to 6 hour plane ride away, too. He hasn’t called to ask for hot sauce, but did ask for all his math notes, his tripod, and some good pretzels, all of which I sent and which have been lost by DHL 
which makes me even more unhappy (will he think it’s <em>my</em> fault that the box got lost, and never call asking for anything ever again?). He’s been sick for over a week, so I’ve used this as an excuse to call his phone a few times. I try to learn from him what’s been going on with the health service (darned privacy laws, grumble grumble), but he acts exasperated and rings off. Sigh…</p>
<p>moot,</p>
<p>I am really suprised that DHL is not trying to do anything to track your package.</p>
<p>sybbie, they are <em>aware</em> of it, but I have no idea what they might be “doing”. I get a call most weekdays from a woman there saying they don’t have any news, so at least it hasn’t fallen off their radar. They have the tracking number: wouldn’t you think modern technology would let them put some flag on the number in the database so if it <em>did</em> get scanned somewhere, a big WARNING would pop up telling them to quick-like-a-bunny pull that package aside since they’ve been trying to find it? The current suspicion is that perhaps it got put into a container to be sent “Ground” instead of the “2nd Day Air” I paid for, and the container hasn’t been opened in a week. Fingers still crossed…</p>
<p>Jmmom- though my D calls me a lot she is usually very short if I call her. She doesn’t seem to call much on the weekend so I take that is that she is busy and that is a good sign.
She always called when she lived at home for no reason but to say whats happening. Her brother who also has a cell phone only calls when he needs a ride somewhere. I know when he goes away to school I will not be hearing from him unless he wants something.
I wonder also if with the girls they are calling both parents or just Mom. I know my D has only called me she hasn’t called her Dad and he is feeling a little left out.</p>
<p>S1 doesn’t call either. He doesn’t turn on IM. Too many peer obligations if he does. He does send the occasional email. We call him every few weeks. He talks for an hour or so. That’s heaps of fun.</p>
<p>I love those talks. I love it when he visits and we exchange books. I love to hear about what he has learned in his travels/studies. I don’t wish he was living at home. That time came to it’s natural end. </p>
<p>I am slightly sad that happy family times are ending (in a year) but I don’t feel too sad because then I feel guilty. How much more fun can one human being expect? It was a great experience and we were oh so lucky to get it. Oh so lucky. I can let it go now. I am ready. S1 is more than ready. S2 is getting ready ( oh lordie). DH is not, poor dear.</p>
<p>Fortunately, I have one of those absurdly optimistic natures. I think something great is around the corner. Grandchildren, travelling, size six trousers…something marvelous indeed.</p>
<p>How much of our (gender) response is based in evolution…?</p>
<p>I’m sorry but have not the time to read all the posts on this thread.<br>
I am beginning to think we are ALL moving on to a new phase. Our children are on to their own lives. We have to adjust, we can’t take them with us. Makes me think about a very old lady I met waiting in line during a big depart. store sale recently. We oohed and ahhhed her $7.00 cashmere sweater bargain the she went on for 10 minutes how her friend would take it away from her once she brought it home and showed it to her. This old lady had plenty of children, but in her life her friends were now her focus.</p>
<p>I usually don’t call my kids as they are always preoccupied when I call, socializing, doing a paper. When they call they are very talkative and it is much more satisfying. My H is taking it the hardest, he is extremely sentimental and can barely walk in the kid’s rooms. My Sophomore is already planning to do an internship and research this summer so will stay at his school. My H was even worse after hearing that. He is doing most of the grieving for me so I am sad but not as much so if he wasn’t so upset. There are some up sides to it as we are doing more with friends and I am going to more conferences. Thank God also for college family weekends to look forwards to, my D 's in Oct, my S’s in Feb. As long as they are happy and doing well I will be fine. We are trying to plan a fun spring break family trip to entice my S to join us, my freshman is still invested in coming home for all breaks for now at least.</p>
<p>I am so glad I found this thread.<br>
My family and friends look at me with such pity it is hard to talk to them about how much I miss her. I can see here that there are so many of us in the same boat and Lord does it make me feel so much better.
When I start missing her terribly, I feel very selfish because I know this is all about letting go of our children and beginning to recognize the adults they are becoming. I acknowledge my tears are superficial and immature because I want something that I can’t have. Just like a small child deprived of their favorite toy. I want my child and her childhood back! It was sheer joy and so much fun. Then when she calls (I am lucky in that I hear from her via phone or email almost every day) I hear about how much fun she is having and how she loves her classes and realize this is what college is all about. Similar to these other CC kids, she had been heading in this independent direction for a long time now. Slowly, my sadness is replaced by a deep sense of satisfaction when I realize what my daughter is accomplishing. I am blown away by the amazing young lady she is. But still, I miss her!</p>
<p>If the boys only knew the deep pleasure we feel when we hear that they are busy, happy, engaged… S, who is certainly at or near the very far end of the reticent-o-meter, nevertheless communicated quite a bit in the last few days. He called to see if we subscribed to The Economist, which he was using as a source for PoliSci paper and didn’t want to pay the hefty online subscription fee. We don’t, but he actually listened with patience to my explanation of how one can go to a bricks and mortar library (!) and find not only current but back issues of the periodical right there IRL! I believe he found this hard to imagine, but was willing to accept that I must know what I’m talking about. He also called, ostensibly for some other reason, but to tell us (warning: bragging is coming) that he got 100% on his first Physics test - an upper level class at that. He was proud, proud, proud. As, of course, were we. He chatted a bit with his dad about social doings! He emailed me the first draft of his paper for comments. He had a few items to add to the list of what he needs us to bring for Parent Wkend.</p>
<p>I know such communications will be few and far between. But they are so reassuring - yes! he is thriving! yes! he can do the work! yes! he has friends!</p>
<p>That is all we really want to know. If they knew how simple it is to meet our “communication needs,” perhaps they would be a little more forthcoming.</p>
<p>Perhaps? 
</p>