I miss her!

Parent Cafe
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<p>Jm, that is such a good feeling, I bet! It isn’t bragging…it is relief mixed with joy and well being for the parents! </p>

<p>I have my son pop up every so often, on my desktop with news, a link to photos and the like. I don’t make the first move. As has been said through this discussion, if they make the move, there is communication; if it happens at the wrong time…little discussion. But it makes sense. I know mine is very busy just getting used to the first week of classes, the culture of the place, the expectations, new friends.</p>

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<p>I really miss having my son in my daily life, as we genuinely like eachother’s company. Luckily for me, he chose to attend a college about 40 minutes from home and I see him on weekends when he works. Our family is very close and I think he wasn’t quite ready to go far from home. Missing my son is mitigated by my high maintenance daughter who is still at home. I think it will be terrible when she leaves, too. I don’t think I know who I am without mothering somebody, as it has been such an important part of my life. How do people cope with an empty nest?</p>

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<p>I foresaw what was coming and got interested in other things besides just mothering. I am writing and working on something I am truly interested in for no other reason than the pure love of learning, pure and selfish and I now have a bit of time myself. I also have a quilt project in the works and I have never done this in my life. This is all new. Part of me loves it; part of me isn’t so sure. I can totally relate to what you have written, IKf. I get along really well with mine too. But I think it just works itself out with time knowing that the best mothering is to allow them their space to grow. I wouldn’t want mine full time at home now. It’s not right.</p>

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<p>For those who really miss the parenting role there are many kids who need even a tiny piece of that. Become a court appointed special advocate, tutor, or other volunteer. If you’re really up for a challenge, be a foster parent. Those parenting skills are needed by so many kids.</p>

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<p>Last night’s season premiere of West Wing was only half the fun without my viewing partner, S. :(</p>

<p>And I have not been able to even go in his room. I think I’m still in denial that he’s living away from home now. This week marks the longest that I’ve not seen him (he went to camp one summer for four weeks in a row). It’s starting to feel very strange.</p>

<p>Mootmom, any word on your sick S? I’m worried for him and for you…</p>

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<p>Thanks, momof2inca, but, “Worrying never made anything better.” (I think that’s what my husband says, and although I know this intellectually, I can’t say I really feel it where it counts. :slight_smile: ) S reports that he is starting to feel better; his girlfriend reports to me that he appears to be coming around. (He’s still going to classes and doing almost all of his work, and reports having a good appetite, so that’s a positive.) He promised me he’ll go to Medical today (or at least schedule a soonest appointment), so I feel reassured. Can’t wait for Family Weekend in 3 weeks, though… And by the way, the DHL box has still not surfaced.</p>

<p>I know how you feel about not going in the room, too. I finally took the bull by the horns a week ago, put some peppy music on, and went in there, making the bed with clean sheets, tidying up all the books and papers, throwing away the detritis from packing-flurry, opening the blinds to let the sun in (what is it about these subterranean teenage boys?), and retrieving all our bath towels from the floor of his closet (aha! that’s where they went!). The room now lacks some of his personality, and is therefore easier to enter and walk past without having to keep the door closed.</p>

<p>I’ll be wishing a positive transition for you also…</p>

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<p>moot,</p>

<p>you know that this is bad because I saw your name and go a little twinge of excitement at the thought that your DHL package made it’s way to school (I sent D a package 2 weeks ago and it is still sitting at the school post office). Gosh, not today, maybe tomorrow, come on over to SA, we’ll tie one on and throw peanut shells at any one coming in wearing one of those yellow shirts:D</p>

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<p>My S1 is chatty when we call. If he doesn’t feel like talking he simply doesn’t answer the call. We would go blue in the face waiting for him to call though he does email.</p>

<p>Last year, when he blew his budget, he avoided all calls until I drained his bank account via the internet. Miraculously, he called immediately.</p>

<p>Even long distance, we have our regular relationship: 80% Big Love, 20% Conflict. Don’t ask me how we were ever allowed on CC! ;)</p>

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<p>I’ve told this before, but for the benefit of the newbie kid-missers, I’ll tell it again. Five years ago ,when my D left for college, she called, plenty. In tears. Three hours at a time. Wholly and utterly miserable. Didn’t fit in, didn’t want to go to frat parties, didn’t drink, no one seemed interested in learning, the campus smelled like p*** and vomit in the mornings.</p>

<p>These were tremendously hard, sad, conversations. I did my counseling best, being cheery, suggesting ways to meet people, how to make classes work better, groups to join, yadayada. But it just never worked for her. In spring she started coming home extra weekends, would put off going back as late as she could. It was horrible.</p>

<p>So, in the end she transfered. Her infamous comment on the car ride on the way to the new school–well, it’s like changing to a new dentist; it’s still going to the dentist. Arrgghh. So, we left her at the new school, and I held my breath. Waited for the first call. About five days later–“Mom, I can’t get some of the classes I want.” Uh oh. Well that’s not so abnormal for a new transfer. I hesitated, then asked, okay, but overall, are you happier there?</p>

<p>“Mom, I’ve never been so happy in my life. Everyone is so cool, I love the classes I have, the teachers are great, I fit in.” Whew.</p>

<p>Now, as long as I get the message that they’re happy, I’m happy. That experience changed my whole perspective on their leaving. I don’t wish it on anyone (and I know Mootmom, that your S could be happier, though it sounds like it’s getting better), but it does put the not calling thing in perspective for me! :)</p>

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<p>garland, you are soooooooo right. It seems like every so often, when I get mopey, I run into a fellow '09 mom whose kid is <em>not</em> happy and it makes me start counting my blessings again that she’s having too much fun to call.</p>

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<p>Cheers, Loved your post, especially the 80/20 part. My last call was 95%/5%, but unfortunately the 5 % came at the end, and I got the I have to run now, talk later.</p>

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<p>I love the emails. Today it said, “I get to hear Condoleeza Rice talk!” Apparently they had a lottery to hear her and D won. And she is v. liberal politically and still excited…</p>

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<p>Alumother,
wow…Condi in the first full month of school?? Princeton rocks! in the sense that a young gal gets to see another female who is serving as our rep to the world…whether one agrees with her positions or not, it takes a lot of smarts and discipline etc to get to that post and merits at least listening given a chance…excellent…</p>

<p>also Garland, I agree that calls full of tears, sadness and wrong fit are awful…one of my summer sitters started college as a freshman and had to be on campus early as she was on the soccer team. She was 1 of 2 people in her dorm…and she got obscene phone calls on nite 2 at school…she was very very upset and frightened… didn’t want to report it cause she felt like a wimp etc…things worked out long term, she graduated 4 yrs later with top honors…but, the beginning was very round with tearful calls…</p>

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<p>Yes, worse than missing her/him are the calls with troubles (roommate problems, loneliness problems, hate it here problems). Makes me count my blessings and even willing to include mononsyllabic converations among them.</p>

<p>Also a blessing to avoid: friend’s S has been coming home every weekend to see GF; long bus or train ride just to spend a few hours in her company. Therefore, no time spent trying to be part of the campus community; hating it; wanting to transfer to be closer to GF…
Yes, there are worse problems than not receiving calls home often enough.</p>

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<p>Mootmom,<br>
Your description of symptoms raised a red flag for me. My D had West Nile 2 years ago (flu-like symptoms with rash). Long story, but the main thing is if he does/did have West Nile, even a relatively mild case, it can really have some serious side effects. There’s not much you can do for it, but you can be tested for it (antigens in the blood). If his fatigue is interfering with his ability to attend to his studies, at least you have a medical cause. My daughter suffered on and off for over a year - serious, debilitating fatigue and congnitive difficulties - after the initial, mild symptoms. However, it took over a year to be completely diagnosed because we forgot about the rash and her pediatrician thought she was just having a particularly tough case of sinunitis. </p>

<p>I just reread my post and realize this might sound dramatic and alarming, but I wish somebody had mentioned this possibility to me before we sent her to 4 different specialists without relief. On a more positive note, she’s fine now. And, my brother also got West Nile (same time - same place). He only had mild fatigue for a few weeks - no serious long-term consequences. It’s just the rash description that bothers me. Given my experience with D, if I were you I would be more proactive in monitoring his health and checking in with him. My D doesn’t like to complain and hated missing school for any reason, so we let things slide for too long.</p>

<p>Hope things are going well for him now. </p>

<p>To rest of CCers - I love you all for your insights and how you can make me laugh and cry! I feel silly for still “lurking” on this site (with my D happily away at school), but I can’t seem to break away - just like the moonstruck teen described above. It’s still a connection. BTW, D at Pomona is absolutely in heaven!</p>

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<p>Thanks so much for the alert, CocaMom – he claims to feel better now, but has an appt. with his chosen physician a week from today to “discuss some results from his blood tests”. I will be certain to ask him to bring up this possibility, and not to neglect to mention the rash (which is now gone, of course).</p>

<p>AND … sybbie, look!!</p>

<p>THE DHL BOX WAS FOUND AND DELIVERED TODAY!! w00t!!</p>

<p>Of course when I called to leave a msg on his cellphone that he should check his mailbox today (which he never does), apparently he’d forgotten to turn off the ringer and it went off in class and he got all embarrassed and was rude to me in an AIM msg afterwards. Of COURSE it’s my fault that his ringer wasn’t turned off: duh! Maybe I’ll show him and just not go to family weekend after all.</p>

<p>Maybe?
(Doesn’t help, actually, that S#2 has been nominated for HS junior class Homecoming Prince – which is AMAZING if you know this kid, he has never been popular at all, although he’s gorgeous – and wouldn’t you know it? Homecoming games/dance etc. are the same weekend as Family Weekend (along with his second ever water polo tournament), and there ain’t nobody else around who could take him. Waaaaah, choices choices…)</p>

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<p>mootie–my S1 developed strep on top of mono his freshman year. The school clinic did a great job of diagnosing and treating both illnesses–to my complete surprise. S1 never went to see ‘back-up’ physicians I lined up from 9000 miles away ;).</p>

<p>Funny thing–he did better academically during the semester WITH the illnesses. The ‘no-drinking’ orders from the clinic put a brake on the partying train (I believe) he was riding.</p>

<p>This year he’s a fitness and health nut. Next year he could be a Buddhist monk. Viva la youth!</p>

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<p>moot, so happy things are improving.</p>

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<p>Cocamom,
Glad your D loves Pomona! My S still thinks it is heaven and it is year 2.My D is loving USD(your son is there right) I too should be gone with my 2 settled and happy but somehow I am still here…</p>

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<p>Until I read this thread, I was afraid to admit how much my D and I are still joined at the umbilicus. I think I would miss her a lot more than I do, save for the fact that she calls home three or more times a day (she’s a sophmore this year). Her calls are often short, just to chat about school, relate a funny story, or to get a dose of moral support. But I don’t know how I would manage if she only called home once a week. Both my kids are very emotionally attached to mom and dad. They are both cuddle-bunnies and have never been embarrassed by parental expressions of affection in front of their peers. I don’t know how that came to be, but I’m not complaining. My fifteen year old son has already announced that he has no intention of going as far away from home for college as his sister. Strangely enough, it’s me who has been encouraging him not to so limit his options. </p>

<p>Right now, I’m so looking forward to D’s arrival home for Fall Break (10 Oct to 17 Oct). Thanksgiving is not long after that. And Christmas break is only a month later. She’s six hours away, but I get to see her pretty frequently during the school year. Along with the daily phone calls, it really lessens the pain, I can tell you.</p>