It’s a little over two weeks away from launch time for me. Just thinking of this almost brought me to tears this morning. Then I read @nooneathome’s post, and I lost it. But then I wanted to share this. When my son was between twelve and thirteen, I started having these recurrent nightmares. In all my dreams, my son and I were either at a zoo or an amusement park or a grocery store. Then he would asks to go do something innocent with a friend. That’s when I would lose him. The friend would come back but not my son. I would spend the rest of the dream panicking and looking for him until I forced myself to realize I was dreaming and woke up.
It took me awhile to realize that the child I kept losing in my dreams was my son at eight or nine years old. I was missing the little boy he once was. Once I realized what the dreams meant, I stop having them.
I’m starting to see my son going off to college as the same type of thing. It’s like a waking dream where I’m losing another small part of him as he moves along the road to adulthood. When I “lost” little-boy son, I gained this great teenager with a dry sense of humor who can always make me smile. So as this version of my son metamorphose into someone new, I’ll gain some new aspect of him too. Thank to all of you for helping me not to focus so much on what I’m losing; rather, I’m waiting to see what wonderful person will emerge.
I do agree that giving your all to others for over a decade can make you lose sight of who you are. But I agree with @abasket, it’s a new beginning. Our kids aren’t the only ones metamorphosing. So are we. Like others have said, it’s supposed to hurt. But let’s keep sharing and we’ll be fine.
Dreams tell a lot about your unconsciousness. I like to interpret my dream too.
I thought about this thread last night when my daughter sent me a snapchat of her going out and have fun at a company’s organized event. I have not seen my kid for 6 weeks. I miss her.
EXACTLY @evermom1! I loved preschool abasket-kids, I loved school aged abasket-kids, I enjoyed teenage-abasket kids, and my older college aged-abasket kids AND am enjoying and loving young adult-abasket kids! Of course you still often “do” for them - you listen, advise when they ask for it, clap for them from afar, etc. You may not be driving the car pool or packing the school lunch or have them there to watch Survivor weekly but you can begin the road to enjoy your child as an adult equal of sorts! One who has to work for a living. One who has to pay the bills.
Things weren’t the same when they started preschool, elementary, high school, etc. You have ALREADY lived through changes. Unless your child demands it, going to college doesn’t have to be “hands off”.
I agree, keep this thread going in the next several weeks when the drop off continues. You are allowed to cry, praise or whine. But, know that we will also encourage you - at least I will - to pick yourself up and move forward.
My youngest left for college almost four years ago; graduated this June; and started a job in a city 1000 miles away one month ago. My oldest also went to college out of state and decided to stay in that state after graduation two years ago. She’s planning to move soon but not close to home, rather to the city where her younger sister now lives. I’m married but my husband lives with his parents and never calls or emails and rarely comes home. So in essence I’m single. In some ways, I’ve adjusted to being alone, but it’s still hard at times. Mornings are the worst for me. I tend to dream about my children and when I wake up, I miss them. Then I start to worry about them and about myself. (I thought that getting more sleep would be a benefit of the empty nest, but my sleep hasn’t improved because of the dreams and anxiety.) I love to read, and I have more time for that. That’s a positive. I’m uncomfortable in many social settings, so I don’t go out much, except for work. That’s a negative. I do keep in touch with family and good friends via email and Facebook. Commiserating with other moms of young adults helps a lot!
Yes, it is a whole different world, being single into the empty nest phase. It may be the last time you live with a family member. When my twins graduated HS, one deferred college and left for a Rotary Exchnage year the same day as her older brother left to teach in China. The one at a college an hour away, was such a comfort, still being in state. As a single parent with joint placement, I felt life started again when the kids came home. But that first year, they never came home, so I felt in limbo. To make matters worse, in the first few weeks, I had skin cancer surgery, and it looked like a lit cigarette has been put out next to my nose. So much for the newly free single woman.
That was now 7 or so years ago. What helped? I got close to people on line, I learned to find friends to talk with, and learned to really value talk over text and email communication. I took evening classes, and that anticipated class really became the focus of the week. I kept only healthy food at home, and started walking several miles most evenings, alone or with friends. But usually alone, as most people don’t seem to want their exercise around sunset time Planned activities save the day, book clubs, monthly dinners out with friends.
I’m a single mom and while it is different, but I still found the anticipation of it was worse than the reality. I had been accustomed to joint custody also, so they weren’t living me every other week already but I was still at their activities and engaged with them more even when they were at dad’s house. One child is starting her senior year at Barnard and the other is starting his sophomore year in state. Last year, my son was at a closer school than he will be this year, but it’s ok.
I learned how to quilt over the past year and love it. I never used to watch much TV but I’ve found some shows I really enjoy. I do more things with friends than I used to. I’ve reconnected with high school friends who have also launched their kids. I enjoy knowing at all times what food is in the fridge and knowing that everything is exactly where I put it. The reduced responsibilities for cooking, etc. are a relief after a long work day. I’ve learned to grocery shop differently and that was one of the most difficult things!
When they come back, it’s great at first, but then some of those things start to get irritating! I told my son when I was driving him home from freshman year that he better not expect a home cooked meal every night because it wasn’t going to happen. My daughter made a comment that it is really weird that sometimes when she calls it isn’t a good time for me to talk.
My rising sophomore daughter and I talked for a while last night and she told me she had been really worried about me before she left for college last summer. She had expressed some of that concern (single mother, only child) and I had reassured her that I would be fine. And really I was–it was much easier than I thought it would be. The proof is in the pudding this summer when I have had many more social engagements than she did.
It’s worth thinking about how worrying about a parent left behind will affect a new freshman. It might be your last act as a high school parent or your first act as a college parent, but if only for the good of your kid, you need to have a life once s/he is gone. You can do it!
And, did anyone mention, they DO come home, sometimes for several months or more, sometimes long after they have graduated! You get to enjoy them as adult roommates, while they job-hunt, break-up with a partner, change careers, save for a house, or any number of life-changing events. (Speaking as the parent of a post-grad-school DD who is temporarily living at home with her spouse while she job hunts. It is good fun and reconnecting time. )
I don’t want my daughter to worry about me when she leaves- in only 2 days. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for the past year but today it feels as if none of that preparation has helped. Driving home from the grocery tonight after having bought all her and her friends fav foods for tonight’s last friend group bash, all I could think of was how very lonely my lovely house will be. I have spent years creating a place for them to grow up. Its filled with all of the things they have loved over the years. Now those things will sit untouched. Ugh. She isn’t home now so I can let the tears flow without regret. My real problem is wondering what will be the “purpose” now. Work, no matter how wonderful, simply can’t provide that deep sense of purpose and fulfillment that caring for my children has. I know I could volunteer, etc, take care of other people but as selfish as it sounds, they are not my people. I just think if I could find a purpose it would make this more bearable. It does help to know that I am not alone in feeling such a loss. I am so proud of her and know this is the right thing for her and I would not want it any other way but I have no idea what I am supposed to do now. Thanks for listening.
@nooneathome, I hope you find it easier than anticipated. I know I did. I think it’s worth asking any departing kid if s/he is worried about you and telling them that you will be fine. And you will, sooner or later, hopefully sooner. It took me a while to get the rhythm of food shopping and preparation just for me, but I did,and I actually cook for myself most evenings. It’s satisfying to be able to prepare and consume a predictable amount, with the menu exactly what I want.
@nooneathome, you still have a purpose! You will always be your daughter’s mom. She’ll continue to need you. Really! My daughters are 22 and 24, I miss them deeply, but I’m always available for them and they know that.
Before the last couple of years, except for him getting into a college that fit him well and what was it going to cost, I never really fretted much about our son heading off to college. We were more concerned about grades and test scores and whether he would he get caught violating school’s strict honor code and not graduate. It really sunk in with me last fall in the first of a series of senior parent meetings that it really was going to happen. We know we will get though it, but there will be some sad times. We agree whole heartedly that putting the “good face” on for him is the right thing but he knows we’re going to miss him. And we know he will miss us too. We gave him a lot of freedom this past year but we just know he cannot wait to be one step closer to being on his own. We really are excited for him and as I tell my wife, there are a few things we didn’t do well on and hopefully, the school experience will help take up the slack. Finally, while this is pretty much a “misery loves company” statement, there are thousands of people going though the same thing right now and we know our share of them!
@nooneathome rosered55 is right that you still have your job as mom, though it will change as your child continues to grow. But it’s not the same as having them under the same roof, and that’s the hard part, missing the day-to-day contact.
It works for some people to be using this time to plan what you’re going to do “after” but it doesn’t sound like that’s working for you. (Though I must note that when you said volunteering wasn’t attractive because they weren’t your people, and I immediately thought “What about volunteering at an animal shelter?!”) Maybe for you, the immediate aftermath needs to be just grieving. I had a six-hour flight home after dropping my D at college, and I cried the entire way (and felt pretty sorry for the stranger sitting next to me). I cried quite a bit during the ensuing few weeks too. But I had this big grief ball that was blocking my vision of my own future, and I had to let it move out of the way before I could see anything else. So if that’s the case for you, give yourself permission. You may want to talk to a counsellor or your clergy, because that helps a great deal. And you will certainly find good shoulders to cry on here; trust me, I know.
OR it could be as oldmom says, the anticipation of the event might very well be worse than the event itself. Not that you will be skipping around the house the day after drop-off, but it might not be quite the thing you’re imagining.
But I can promise you two things. First, that in time you will find a new rhythm to your life, new things to care about, new things to engage you. And second, that your daughter will always be your daughter, and you will always be her one and only mom.
@nooneathome Now is the time to take care of YOU. In addition to having more free time to decompress, I also find I have more money to buy nicer food (More steak!) and only exactly what I want. As others noted, the food shopping was one of the biggest challenges for me. I adjusted though and then had to adjust again this summer when my son was home.
They absolutely still need you and you will get the most random questions from them.
Haha, that is true! My D is a lifelong dancer, and she was deeply involved in her college’s rec dance group. Over the 4 years, I got various dancemom requests, almost always by text. They still need us, even when they’re far away and (ostensibly) adults:
D: Send my other nude leo please. I can’t find the one I have. The show is Friday.
[So I unearth said leo, launder it, pack it, and make an emergency trip to the post office where I pay to overnight it. After all that…]
Me: OK, it should be there on Tuesday.
D: Oh. Nevermind. I found mine. It was at the bottom of my dance bag. I must have put it there after the show last semester and forgot about it. Lol.
These happened over the course of a week, as D was helping to costume several dances:
“Please send every flower from every costume from every dance I was ever in.”
“Do you still have the sailor hat from Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?”
“Remember those red gloves I cut the fingers out of? I need those.”
And one of my favorite texts of all time:
My son has texted me to ask where he put something in his apartment - and I AM usually better at guessing where he puts things than he is! But my favorites are the texts I get while he’s grocery shopping:
How do I tell how much juice a lemon will have?
What’s the difference between spaghetti and fettucini?
