I'm On My Hands and Knees...Begging

Parent Cafe
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<p>lookingforward, at what point do you feel it’s no longer your child’s responsibility to provide you with more information than just “I want to go”? I am not being snippy at all - I am genuinely curious.</p>

<p>For example, I am out of college, in my mid-20’s, and love to do solo travel. I certainly don’t feel that I have to give my parents reasons for my travels, even though I am pretty sure they were/are uncomfortable with some of them. However, I don’t want a relationship with my parents where I have to justify my travel choices to them. I know the risks and decide whether or not to take them.</p>

<p>Yes, the OP is in college. But she is financially providing for herself. Why does she have to wait until she is 23 vs 20(?) to start making her own travel decision? It seems very arbitrary, and if the parents are the overprotective type, they won’t feel any better about her doing this at 23 than they do when she is 21. In fact, they may feel worse, because she won’t be going through the school.</p>

<p>I really don’t understand why she has to beg/convince/fight with them to go. If they really want to damage a relationship with her over her decision about her life (and not something illegal or immoral), it’s on THEM.</p>

<p>Fear/concern for someone is not an exucse or a justification for preventing them from living their life (again, we are not talking about illegal activity here), and it’s no excuse for holding the relatioship hostage if they don’t do what you want. If this discussion was about ANY relationship other than a parent/ADULT child one, I am sure the responses would be very different.</p>

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<p>

You had me up until there. </p>

<p>Yes, the vast majority of people who go to those places return safely and have a great time. But the vast majority of people who own houses don’t have them burn down, but every homeowner reading this thread has fire insurance. The reality is that you are taking a huge risk not just with your own life, but with your entire family. </p>

<p>Imagine that they get a call; you’ve been kidnapped and the kidnappers want a million dollars in ransom. Your parents would then choose between liquidating all of their assets and giving up on a retirement, or having you DEAD.</p>

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<p>Bad things can happen anywhere, though. You’re being over dramatic.</p>

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<p>That scenario is so far out of the realm of possibility that considering it is unreasonable.</p>

<p>Let’s do a simple experiment. Let’s take a number of US citizens who travel abroad to this country, and then let’s find out how many have been kidnapped for ransom. Then, let’s calculate the odds of this happening. What are those odds? </p>

<p>To borrow a common phrase, completely irrational panic on your part (fueled by fear, not real statistics), does not constitute an emergency on my part.</p>

<p>Thanks, Pizzagirl - WAY overdramatic.</p>

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<p>ACS, my genuine answer. I did solo travel before my senior year and was fine. Back when communicating home meant a letter or collect phone call. No email or Skype. In countries where I didn’t speak the language. No contacts. Great experience. You wouldn’t want to know what D1 did on her jr semester abroad. She was also considering a second semester in a country/city with enough unrest, at the time, and warnings- and as far as she was concerned, “I want to” and “it’s related to my major” were good enough. (She applied for that, with our blessing, and was accepted.) Fortunately, one day she decided, “I don’t want to.” </p>

<p>There’s more to her story, but she is far more mature now, a fine kid, recent grad, living in an emerging nation. </p>

<p>Each kid has his or her own patterns. OP is in college and I don’t know the year. We don’t know why this urgency (other than that a prof is leading it.) She did say it’s “cultural.” </p>

<p>She said she has a full ride-- that could be need-related and it’s possible her parents think the extra funds she has in hand should be allocated to direct college expenses. When a poster focuses on the “want” part, doesn’t even name the country and makes it into a tug of war with parents, I do question. This isn’t about the travel, to me, or who pays, as much as the “why” behind this one.</p>

<p>I was surprised how many on the other thread were concerned about safety in Brazil. And that kid needed a certain program there, for grad requirements. </p>

<p>I’m not getting the warm and fuzzy about OP’s need for this trip. Or the judgment behind it. That’s all.</p>

<p>Agree on the dramatic- as said, plenty of young people travel or study abroad and come home. That’s why I mentioned the countries young friends have been to or lived in, without harm.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the explanation!</p>

<p>I guess I just have a different take. Unless the money is something that was supposed to be allocated to other college expenses, and OP now changed the plan and is using it for a trip, I think it’s her money and her decision. IMHO, she does not have to have a “need” for the trip in order for her parents not to have a veto power.</p>

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<p>I feel like no one read the OP. The OP is coming from a home in which the parents, culturally or whatever, feel that the student should stick “close to her knitting” / close to home, and regard with suspicion any efforts outside that narrow comfort zone. That is problematic in and of itself.</p>

<p>This is not a “normal” situation in which parents are fine with the kid going to school elsewhere, but express concern about a foreign trip in a potentially dangerous area.</p>

<p>In other words, I get the sense that the parents’ reactions would be the same if the trip were, say, to England – we don’t like you being anyplace other than close to home, even for short, chaperoned, trips. OP, if I’m wrong, tell me.</p>

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<p>And the fact that the OP title was “I’m on my hands and knees … begging” indicates to me that this is a kid who was raised with a cultural need / dependence on the approval of the parents. You don’t “beg” your parents for things unless your self-esteem depends on their approval in the first place. You discuss.</p>

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<p>I’ve read through many responses and I want to thank you all for responding. You guys have given me a lot to think about. </p>

<p>In order to calm my parents concerns, I’ve emailed my professor and asked him more specifics of our trip to India. I’m still waiting on a reply since I sent it over the weekend. I emailed some links to my parents in the meantime. They said they’ll read it. </p>

<p>LasMa, </p>

<p>

They have not done this exact trip before. However, my professors and the professors involved have traveled to India a number of times and one I believe is from India. </p>

<p>

I think this is the case, too. I try to be sensitive to their desires and apprehensions in regards in what I do, but I’m getting to a point where I ask myself, “When do I stop ignoring my wishes for the sake of their comfort?” </p>

<p>I hope they come through. </p>

<p>

I am not declaring myself independent. I am financially dependent on my parents and I am aware of this. I am able to support myself financially on this trip. </p>

<p>SlacklerMomMD, </p>

<p>I didn’t tell my parents I resent them (or bring up the past) when I discussed the India trip. I do not resent them. I resent how they hold me back in certain instances. As I’ve seen this happen over and over again recently, I feel even more compelled to fulfill my desires. </p>

<p>lookingforward, </p>

<p>

My parents do know more info on the trip than what I have said in this thread. They know where I will be staying and for how long, where I will be eating, where we will be visiting, when we will be changing cities, etc. This information is “confidential” and I’d prefer it not to become public. </p>

<p>Pizzagirl, </p>

<p>You have hit the nail on the head. It’s unfortunate, but you’re right. I do a lot of things for my parents approval. Both my brother and sister have tried to either move away or travel, but my parents put up a fight to have them stay or, at the very least, compromise. They aren’t the happiest. I. on the other hand, am not satisfied with heading to their cautions until I’m in my mid-20s like my brother and sister have done. I really want to start doing what I find interesting,but I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to grow to dislike me or look down on me. I do want to make them happy, but I have grown to see that what makes them happy, makes me unhappy.</p>

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<p>Oh good lord. India? With a chaperone / group, including natives? That doesn’t seem like a country where I would be “fearful” about my kid going there. I sent an employee of mine there last year, I’m trying to get a trip there myself. I’ll head off by myself and do it if the trip comes through, just exert normal precautions. This isn’t Syria, for crying out loud. You’ll be part of a chaperoned group. Your parents ARE being ridiculous.</p>

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<p>Yeah, India?<br>
But, we do sometimes advise kids with restrictive parents that you are nearly at a more independent age. That the decisions, about what to challenge and when, may need to be handled wisely. I think you see that. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Have your parents been out of the country before??</p>

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<p>Just to let you know, my parents travel to India several times a year, because they love it there. They are not from there originally (and nowhere near there, so they stand out quite a bit). They have never gone with a tour group. It has always been just the two of them, and they have not stayed in accomodations or cities that are geared towards westerners or anything like that. They have had great experiences. They fell in love with the country so much they only go there for vacation. They are leaving again this week!</p>

<p>I myself am probably going to be doing a solo trip there in the future.</p>

<p>Definitely, as with any trip be vigilant and smart and read up on issues that may come up and how to stay safe, but absolutely go for it!!</p>

<p>Have an amazing time!</p>

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<p>Niqui77, </p>

<p>This is what confuses me: they’re immigrants. They came to the US for school and have been here ever since. </p>

<p>Plus, they traveled when they were younger. They’ve been to Canada, Europe, South America, and some odd countries. </p>

<p>I’m going to really push for this.</p>

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<p>You have done everything that is reasonable to placate your parents’ concerns. Go. Have fun.</p>

<p>BTW–out there in the world are females your age traveling on their own in Asia and in the Americas. A well organized group should be safer than you going to the local mall in your area by yourself or to the campus library at night. Or flying thru LAX.</p>

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<p>PizzaGirl: Thank you so, SO much for telling me that bad things can happen anywhere! I had NO IDEA that was the case until you told me!</p>

<p>[clasp hands in glee]</p>

<p>My world has opened up! Changed! Expanded! since you told me that! I really had no idea that bad things can happen anywhere!</p>

<hr>

<p>In case you missed it, I am well-aware that bad things can happen anywhere. What I am not aware of is why you would equate a third-world country or a war zone (when I posted that, we did not know that it was India) with the American suburbs. As I say ad nauseum, you can die in a car accident in any circumstances, but it’s a lot more likely when you’re drunk behind the wheel of a Smart Car, doing 20 mph over the limit in a blizzard, than it is when you’re in a Mercedes or a Volvo and obeying safety laws and using your common sense. </p>

<p>Remember Lara Logan? Would you look her in the face and tell her that she would be “overly dramatic” if she were to caution people about travelling overseas? What about the kid upthread whose guide was KILLED?</p>

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<p>Oh, brother. When you posted that, you didn’t realize we learned it’s not armed guards. We KNOW there is risk, everywhere. We know it’s more likely to get kidnapped in some country rife with kidnappers. But we also know something about assessing risk versus random.</p>

<p>This is like pharmacological reports that are mandated to enumerate all side effects. Do you not take X because 4 people out of 10,000 got sicker? Don’t you live in or near NYC?</p>

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<p>As someone who has traveled in foreign areas while they were in time of upheaval, Lara Logan’s situation is not a foreign travel risk situation for most.</p>

<p>Her job was to be in the midst of a street demonstration. Any traveler who sticks around a street demonstration in any country (including the US) is upping their risk of injury.</p>

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<p>When you say you’re going to “push” for this, you are still working within the framework that you need their <em>permission</em> to bless a trip that you can afford and that is strongly recommend in the course of your studies. The other students on your trip may be asking their parents for <em>money</em> to cover it, which the parents may or may not be able to grant, but they are not asking <em>permission.</em> That’s the mindset you need to reframe.</p>

<p>You’re still giving them the power over you by framing it as though you need their permission. You really don’t, as long as you have the money (which you do). </p>

<p>Do you need their permission for other spending?</p>

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<p>Lara Logan’s case can’t be compared.</p>