It takes real thought though. DS went to a BS that had a wide range of incomes represented. Over half the kids got FA. They were told, for example, that you didn’t say "I’m going to our house in Aspen for Christmas " but "We’re going to Colorado to have Christmas with our grandparents. " It takes a lot of self-policing (which several kids felt was "oppressive ") and it can be hard to understand why the first could be problematic, especially when no harm was meant and it is factually correct. It’s fair to assume most of us, even as adults, have not encountered or imagined many of the different backgrounds out there and even with the best of intentions are going to put our foot in it.
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Yeah, I can understand that.
S25 is going to a “directional” school (is this a problematic or pejorative term now? Really not sure) this fall – he deals with some challenges, and a nearby college with lots of support was the best choice for him. It’s a fairly inexpensive school, and thus attracts a lot of first-generation and lower-income students. S25 isn’t always the most aware kid, but I think (hope) he will internalize it if we have some serious conversations about the types of people he might meet in college, differing backgrounds to his, and how not to be tone deaf.
I admit even I was taken aback by some posts in the parents’ Facebook group. The entire tuition for 15 credits fall semester is $2,800. S25 will have that covered by a state merit scholarship due to his high school GPA, so we’re only paying housing and meal plan and fees.
One parent posted that her daughter lost that merit scholarship (you have to maintain a 3.0 in college to keep receiving it), and she was panicked and trying to figure out how to get a loan last minute to cover it. And it took me awhile to process that she needed a loan to cover $2,800. Then I was embarrassed – clearly my privilege was showing. 
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My D always reminds me that there is wide income disparity in her high school by mentioning the various low dollar value scholarships that are offered in her classes and activities. For example, the kids that can’t afford $20 per year to rent an orchestra instrument get a scholarship covering that.
This extends to more expensive activities too… the orchestra got to go on tour to Hawaii (!) and the kids who would not have been able to afford the trip received scholarships to cover their costs as well.
D works on fundraising for her orchestra, and she’s really proud that they can cover everyone’s needs so that no one is left out.
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I love this – mom of a band kid here, and it’s so important that the opportunity to play an instrument is inclusive.
I sit on the board of our school’s arts booster club, and we provide scholarships for various things, too. Band camp, for instance, is like $800 because it covers room and board for a week at the local college where they host it. We do both full and partial scholarships for that, and then our kids travel with the chorus every other year – they’ve gone to Disney and NYC, and this year they’re going to DC. I’m sure we’ll cover some of those expenses, too.
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I really agree with this. We’re talking very explicitly with our S25 about the income disparities he’ll encounter in college & how he can navigate them thoughtfully (he’ll be in the financial middle at his school). I don’t see that as interfering in his social relationships, but rather helping him build his awareness of the world & mentally prepare for situations he’ll face. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to most people, even to otherwise kind & thoughtful kids.
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We had an interesting thread a while back discussing a UPenn professor asking students what they thought the average American worker makes in a year. Most gave an answer north of $100K. I’m sure they were kind and thoughtful kids but couldn’t see beyond their privilege which underscores how important it is to help our kids see through a different lens.
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Take a look at the financial realities of most Americans and how little savings people have. $2800 is a huge amount of money to most people. This is why we should always be kind and generous and choose our words carefully.
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So true! And even then, sometimes it’s not what we think. A classmate of DS told the story of having Christmas in a shelter one winter when his family was unhoused. My reaction as he started was how sad (and certainly not a situation anyone would wish on anyone.) But his story was at his happiness of his mom’s gift to him – fireman pants from Goodwill – and his memory of running around, pants swishing, so excited, and with family he loved. So not quite what I would have guessed and certainly not a tale of pity (at least for him - his parents, I expect, experienced it all differently. )
It’s so great though that people are thinking about this, being sensitive, but also open.
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We live in an affluent area and my kids attended a private school (I worked at said school, so we only had to pay half tuition). As far as financials go, my kids were probably in the middle at their private school. There were a lot of very wealthy people at this school, but also a pretty good amount of kids on financial aid.
When my kids went to college, both went to large schools, with kids from a very wide variety of socio-economic backgrounds. Though, I’d say most of their closest friends in college tended to be of the same socio-economic background as my kids.
I’ve always taught my kids that they do come from privilege. Yes, maybe we don’t have a second home or a yacht and we don’t do huge European vacations every year, but my kids have both been to Europe more than once and we are able to pay for college for them…I think they’re pretty lucky.
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As for being invited on fancy vacations, I was invited and went with a friend to Cape Code in college, but it was her grandparent’s vacation home and I’d say the house was pretty nice. D did go stay in a cabin with a friend and her parents, but it was rustic and the family didn’t own it, it belonged to some family friends of theirs who let them use it for the weekend. S went backpacking and camping with friends and their families a few times.
My kids did have some wealthy friends in high school who took fancy vacations, but they never invited friends, it was family only, which is fine.
It’s “Allston Christmas” time for the students attending BC, BU, Harvard, MIT and Northeastern. It made me think of this discussion.
Oh this topic really reaonantes with me. We are solidly middle class and my son is at a very pricey school at which he is on partial athletic scholarship. So we are still paying a pretty penny, but mainly manageable. He gets a ‘housing stipend’ for living off-campus this year for rent/expenses/food. He has several roommates, and while we were looking for housing, I realized just how below the other families we were in income. Where he goes to school, he could easily get a very nice apartment and pay for expenses, while having a decent chunk of money left over to contribute to tuition. What the other parents were suggesting for ‘suitable’ apartments for a college student were ridiculously expensive and unnecessary. Finally after weeks of stressing out, I kindly messaged them and explained that we are in a different tax bracket than most families at that school, and that another $5000+ for the year was not just a drop in the bucket for us. I see these parents at his sporting events, so I was pretty proud of myself for standing my ground. My words were mostly understood, and a good lesson to people that not everyone is in the same financial situation.
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This - the off campus housing cost differential - was hard for us as well. My son’s sophomore year he was looking to move off campus. He was perfectly happy with the not terribly nice but very affordable apartments. The mom’S of two of the roommates weren’t ok with that. They ended up in a place that one roommate’s mom found that, frankly, he felt strong armed into accepting. The only way my son and one other boy could afford it was to share a room and the other two roommates got individual rooms (for which they paid more) and parking (for which they also paid more). The apartment was gorgeous - only one year old, but it had granite in the kitchen and bathrooms, beautiful stainless appliances, hardwood throughout. Heck, it was nicer than the first home I purchased. Then my kid scavenged a couch and dinner table that were being tossed - they were fine, not great, but with a slipcover in the couch, fine. The other two parents bought a brand new sectional sofa and dining table set that they had delivered from a nice furniture store. At least they didn’t ask us to pay for it. It was an awkward year - my kid kept adjusting the thermostat to keep costs down (colder in winter, warmer in summer) and the two better off kids would put it back, and little things like turning lights off, only washing full loads of laundry or dishes etc. At the end of the year the two less well off kids were more than ready to move out so they could have their own rooms, even if it meant being in a less nice apartment.
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Yes, my kids really were much happier when they had their own rooms than when sharing in college.
S23 is in a 3 bedroom, and I love his roommates. One of the roommates and my son could afford anything, and the other is paying for school himself. Thankfully, Lizardkid is cheap even with our money, as I would rather him have a great roommate than granite and stainless. Being boys and natural resources majors, they tend to decorate with lots of found bones and stuff from the thrift store. The reality is, Lizardkid isn’t going to make enough to afford granite and stainless (and a rooftop deck) when he graduates, or possibly ever, on his (mostly likely) modest salary. Nor do I think he would seek it out. I felt like it was better for him to live frugally now so as not to feel downgraded when he graduated.
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My daughter and the girls she wanted to live with sat down and talked about budget before they signed a lease. They ended up picking something that everyone could comfortably afford. It was run down and pretty awful but in a super location, everyone had their own room, and they made it super cute. It was definitely more important for my D to live with these friends than have a nicer place on her own.
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The frustrating thing for my S22 was that he and the boys had decided on a budget and everyone was good with that. Then two of the moms of the money-to-burn kids got involved and basically wouldn’t allow their kids to live in “those hovels”. (They weren’t hovels. They weren’t very nice, but clean and no bugs/mice, not falling apart and well located.). The moms totally took over, even coming in to town to apartment search and then they just told the boys what they’d be doing. It was some serious helicoptering. I asked S22 if he wanted me to say something and he didn’t. At that point all of this had taken so long that he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to find other people to live with or something in the right price point. We made it work - I could afford the price, just S22 had planned on keeping the cash differential from what I was willing to pay and what he actually had to pay - so it was essentially money out of his pocket. But it was a good lesson for him.
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That’s terrible!
Great lesson which will serve him well when his co-workers want to rent a “cottage” for a summer getaway, when his best friend decides he’s having a bachelor party in Cancun (yes, that’s a thing), etc.
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That’s awful! My D told me she had found a room in a house off-campus for her senior year. I asked if the price was comparable to living on campus (it’s actually a bit lower) and made sure she really wanted to live off-campus (she didn’t know any housemates well) and that was that. Months later, a day or two after she returned to school, I realized I didn’t know the address. I texted her, she sent it and again that was that. I still haven’t seen the place, though she sent some pix of her room. I can’t even imagine getting involved with the actual search or, short of a really dangerous location, telling my child the place they picked out was unsuitable. I’m glad your son moved on after that year!
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