It takes real thought though. DS went to a BS that had a wide range of incomes represented. Over half the kids got FA. They were told, for example, that you didn’t say "I’m going to our house in Aspen for Christmas " but "We’re going to Colorado to have Christmas with our grandparents. " It takes a lot of self-policing (which several kids felt was "oppressive ") and it can be hard to understand why the first could be problematic, especially when no harm was meant and it is factually correct. It’s fair to assume most of us, even as adults, have not encountered or imagined many of the different backgrounds out there and even with the best of intentions are going to put our foot in it.
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Yeah, I can understand that.
S25 is going to a “directional” school (is this a problematic or pejorative term now? Really not sure) this fall – he deals with some challenges, and a nearby college with lots of support was the best choice for him. It’s a fairly inexpensive school, and thus attracts a lot of first-generation and lower-income students. S25 isn’t always the most aware kid, but I think (hope) he will internalize it if we have some serious conversations about the types of people he might meet in college, differing backgrounds to his, and how not to be tone deaf.
I admit even I was taken aback by some posts in the parents’ Facebook group. The entire tuition for 15 credits fall semester is $2,800. S25 will have that covered by a state merit scholarship due to his high school GPA, so we’re only paying housing and meal plan and fees.
One parent posted that her daughter lost that merit scholarship (you have to maintain a 3.0 in college to keep receiving it), and she was panicked and trying to figure out how to get a loan last minute to cover it. And it took me awhile to process that she needed a loan to cover $2,800. Then I was embarrassed – clearly my privilege was showing. 
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My D always reminds me that there is wide income disparity in her high school by mentioning the various low dollar value scholarships that are offered in her classes and activities. For example, the kids that can’t afford $20 per year to rent an orchestra instrument get a scholarship covering that.
This extends to more expensive activities too… the orchestra got to go on tour to Hawaii (!) and the kids who would not have been able to afford the trip received scholarships to cover their costs as well.
D works on fundraising for her orchestra, and she’s really proud that they can cover everyone’s needs so that no one is left out.
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I love this – mom of a band kid here, and it’s so important that the opportunity to play an instrument is inclusive.
I sit on the board of our school’s arts booster club, and we provide scholarships for various things, too. Band camp, for instance, is like $800 because it covers room and board for a week at the local college where they host it. We do both full and partial scholarships for that, and then our kids travel with the chorus every other year – they’ve gone to Disney and NYC, and this year they’re going to DC. I’m sure we’ll cover some of those expenses, too.
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I really agree with this. We’re talking very explicitly with our S25 about the income disparities he’ll encounter in college & how he can navigate them thoughtfully (he’ll be in the financial middle at his school). I don’t see that as interfering in his social relationships, but rather helping him build his awareness of the world & mentally prepare for situations he’ll face. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to most people, even to otherwise kind & thoughtful kids.
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We had an interesting thread a while back discussing a UPenn professor asking students what they thought the average American worker makes in a year. Most gave an answer north of $100K. I’m sure they were kind and thoughtful kids but couldn’t see beyond their privilege which underscores how important it is to help our kids see through a different lens.
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Take a look at the financial realities of most Americans and how little savings people have. $2800 is a huge amount of money to most people. This is why we should always be kind and generous and choose our words carefully.
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So true! And even then, sometimes it’s not what we think. A classmate of DS told the story of having Christmas in a shelter one winter when his family was unhoused. My reaction as he started was how sad (and certainly not a situation anyone would wish on anyone.) But his story was at his happiness of his mom’s gift to him – fireman pants from Goodwill – and his memory of running around, pants swishing, so excited, and with family he loved. So not quite what I would have guessed and certainly not a tale of pity (at least for him - his parents, I expect, experienced it all differently. )
It’s so great though that people are thinking about this, being sensitive, but also open.
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We live in an affluent area and my kids attended a private school (I worked at said school, so we only had to pay half tuition). As far as financials go, my kids were probably in the middle at their private school. There were a lot of very wealthy people at this school, but also a pretty good amount of kids on financial aid.
When my kids went to college, both went to large schools, with kids from a very wide variety of socio-economic backgrounds. Though, I’d say most of their closest friends in college tended to be of the same socio-economic background as my kids.
I’ve always taught my kids that they do come from privilege. Yes, maybe we don’t have a second home or a yacht and we don’t do huge European vacations every year, but my kids have both been to Europe more than once and we are able to pay for college for them…I think they’re pretty lucky.
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As for being invited on fancy vacations, I was invited and went with a friend to Cape Code in college, but it was her grandparent’s vacation home and I’d say the house was pretty nice. D did go stay in a cabin with a friend and her parents, but it was rustic and the family didn’t own it, it belonged to some family friends of theirs who let them use it for the weekend. S went backpacking and camping with friends and their families a few times.
My kids did have some wealthy friends in high school who took fancy vacations, but they never invited friends, it was family only, which is fine.