<p>Here is my dilema:
My son is graduating from HS and CC via the Running Start program. He has been accepted to University of Washington, direct admit to the College of Engineering. He has been focused on engineering since he was 12 years old. Last year we visited and he was sold…civil engineering, frat life, etc. He’s a mature young man and generally makes very good decisions.</p>
<p>He has a very serious girl friend that was recruited to play soccer at Central Washington University. Lovely girl, barely 16 when they got together, very sheltered, no previous boyfriends, typical small town girl. Leaving home is going to be a HUGE adjustement for her.</p>
<p>Last quarter when calculus got hard (he still got a B) all of a sudden he did a 180 degree turn and decided to study accounting at Central…even if he got into UW.</p>
<p>With the exception of the girlfriend and her parents everyone thinks he’s lost his mind! We live in a small town but he has travelled a fair bit. I would like him to have the city experience although I see him back in his home town on the long run. The girlfriend parents both went to Central and, while they are successful professionals they are small town people.</p>
<p>Both his dad and I have had long talks with him about opening doors and expanding opportunites. We feel he is choosing a very narrow one-way path compared to the options at UW. We have also talked very openly about the pitfalls of following the HS girlfriend and her need to have time to grow up without him as security blanket. So far it doesn’t seem to be working. I am ready to BEG him to go to UW for a year and see how it goes. I know that might backfire if he is miserable.</p>
<p>This is a very tough situation and I think that it helps if you put yourself in his shoes given his hormones and his relative inexperience. Arguing negatives about the girlfriend isn’t going to work as he’ll get defensive. At best, you can argue the merits of pursuing his career that would provide a better financial foundation for a serious relationship. That might not work as accounting wouldn’t be a bad career (generally speaking - he might be bored out of his mind doing it full-time).</p>
<p>Yes, he has indeed lost his mind. My sympathies. You have already pointed out to him all of the supremely rational reasons why he should go to UW. One question, though: does he HAVE to go into engineering there, or can he switch majors if he wishes?</p>
<p>Sounds like it is possible that he is just as afraid to leave the nest as the GF and is using this as an excuse.</p>
<p>Are you paying for this? I am normally the last one to play the finances card, in fact I abhor it, but in this case I would consider doing so. Since you have already tried reasoning with him, you can simply inform him that you will not pay for school at Central Washington. Either that, or offer him some kind of a bribe.</p>
<p>If he goes to Central, will he lose forever the option of transferring to UW and studying engineering there? Probably not.</p>
<p>I say, treat the first year in accounting at Central as a much-needed Gap Year activity. He’s already finished his AA for free in HS, so the GenEds are over and done. If accounting works out, well then, good! If it doesn’t, and his GPA hasn’t collapsed during that little excursion, then he can reconsider the UW engineering option.</p>
<p>What I told him about the girlfriend was that I thought she would make a better life partner for him and a better mother to their children, should it come to that, if she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. His eyes got huge when I said that! I don’t in any way have negative feeling toward her and am not asking them to break up. Their schools would only be two hours apart with the family cabin half way between! </p>
<p>So glad this is not my son…it would be hard for me not to overreact because of my own experience. I won a full ride scholarship, was accepted to a number of colleges including Stanford…but attended a local CSU where my boyfriend (since 15) decided to go for his major (terrible for mine) and we broke up before Christmas. He and his family were so happy that I wasn’t going off to such a big school so far away.</p>
<p>Which level of calculus got hard? Calc 1 or Calc 3? What did he think about differential equations or physics? It could be that engineering isn’t his thing after all.</p>
<p>I can completely understand your desire to stop him from switching schools if it’s just because of his girlfriend. But he wouldn’t be the first student to find himself broken up with the sweetheart but still happy at the new school.</p>
<p>Best of luck. This is a tough situation, to be sure. But you might want to reconsider your views on this:</p>
<p>UW typically does not take transfers from the other state schools. The fact that he was offered admission to Engineering is HUGE! He could study accounting at UW…Foster School of Business is top notch and a better choice than Central in my estimation.</p>
<p>Village Mom: I did not mean to offend with “small town people” comment. I have a great deal of respect and affection for them. I grew up in a family with a very global view of the world and hoped to impart that to my children.</p>
<p>I’m with consolation. Don’t pay for the other school. He’ll forgive you once he comes to his senses. I don’t suppose there is a bus between Seattle and the other university, or a way he or she could have access to a car for occasional weekend visits if they stay together? They’ll see each other at all the school breaks anyway. Unless the other university is free and UW is full pay so that he can argue cost savings for your family, there is no rational argument for him not to go to UW.</p>
<p>In my opinion, you need to separate out the “accounting/engineering” argument from the “girlfriend” argument from the “Central Washington/Univeristy of Washington” argument.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with choosing accounting over engineering - or vice/versa.</p>
<p>I know nothing about the virtues of U of Washington/ Central Washington.</p>
<p>I do think you need to tread very carefully on the whole girlfriend/“small town people” front. There are many land mines there. And I speak as one who considers myself both small town and cosmopolitan - they need not be mutually exclusive.</p>
<p>So, does graduating from the CC mean he only needs 2 years at UW or CW in order to finish his bachelors? (Or maybe 3 years since Accounting and Engineering are sometimes 5-yr programs.) </p>
<p>If that’s the case, I’d say let him do what he wants. 2 years will fly by. You say he’s mature for his age. Therefore, he’ll appreciate that you trust him to make the decision. And, he’ll know better than to blame you if something goes wrong.</p>
<p>Be very careful not to make this primarily about the girlfriend. Make it about his future opportunities and options. Point out that he can major in accounting at UW; but if he isn’t happy with accounting at CWU, what will he do there? Kids do change majors all the time, but you can say with confidence that he will have broader opportunities at UW than at CWU.</p>
<p>Normally I wouldn’t recommend this, but could you double deposit and buy more time for him to come to his senses?</p>
<p>OP- Glanced through your posts. Looks like DS has an older sister. Has she talked to him about not following the girlfriend? Maybe she could give him some insight and convince him or perhaps he will tell her it’s really not so much the girlfriend it’s more he has been focused on engineering since he was 12 years old and the pressure has caught up to him and he just wants a break.</p>
<p>Are these two universities about two hours apart? I’d appeal to the notion that two hours will be no impediment to spending the weekends together; that weekends are really all anyone “needs” to spend together (and even then, there will be some weekends that he probably won’t want to spend together); that the week days should and will be filled with personal studies and pursuits; and that if the relationship cannot withstand being two hours apart on a temporary basis (holidays and summers can still be spent together in the hometown) then maybe he should reevaluate how healthy this relationship is. Two hours is nothing, really.</p>
<p>I wonder if he sees you as overstepping your bounds in planning his future. That would affect how he assesses your views on CWU and on his girlfriend and maybe even on engineering.</p>
<p>I’m in favor of letting your son make his own mistakes - - of which this will probably be the first of many. I think the best you can do is lay out the pros and cons of the decision, and then tell him you are going to express your opinion once, and then let him decide. The potential backlash if you don’t is enormous. What if he hates UW and misses his girlfriend horrendously? What if she finds someone else because “out of sight, out of mind”? While these outcomes may seem trivial to us from our adult perspective, they will be huge to your son - - and I suspect you will have to shoulder all the blame and resentment if you force him to attend UW. </p>
<p>Believe me, you have my sympathy. We have been going through an extremely similar situation (more around the application process than the final result), and it is painful because you just want what is best for them and want them to want THAT for themselves. But in reality, we really don’t know what is best, and at some point, we have to let them decide. I was so so so wanting my son to do something pre-professional (engineering, accounting) . . .he’s going liberal arts. And we are about to spend a small fortune on it too, lol. One way or another, he’ll just have to figure it out . . .</p>
<p>I’m with Amarylandmom, and, yes, it would hurt. But you can’t push a noodle and that’s what they become when you try to push them when they just aren’t with the program. It’s not like you are trying to get him to do one thing, but to live a whole life day in and day out when he wants something else. I’ve not seen muc good come when the parents push these matters and what happens next is that the initial option that was the less favored one looks pretty danged good when things truly hit the fan.</p>
<p>Agree with two things already stated- 1- leave the GF out of the discussions, it won’t help you and can definitely hurt you 2- Your S needs to make a decision and then fully own it.</p>
<p>IMHO you get to state once (and when you are taking a walk with each other on your way for an ice cream cone, not when he is doing his homework and you are trying to get dinner on the table and you have a hurried and stressful discussion–)</p>
<p>We love you. We want you to make a good decision re: college and will support you in any way that we can. We believe that there is one option which will significantly broaden your horizons and open up lots of terrific opportunities (which we can’t even predict) and one that is not as good as the other in doing this for you. We have the perspective of middle aged people who see that you just don’t know what the future holds, and so we have advocated for taking the road which in our opinion leads to more opportunities, bigger platform for change, growth, etc. since once your grown up life begins, it starts to constrict in ways you can’t imagine.</p>
<p>But we will respect whatever decision you make. You just need to reassure us that you have fully explored whichever opportunity you are turning down so that you understand the path that you are not going to take.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. These decisions are always fraught with so much (understandable) emotion.</p>