When my daughter had her baby in December her pediatrician told her that they should not see anyone for the holidays as it was a winter of flu, RSV and Covid. That was in addition to not having the baby around people who weren’t vaccinated for TDAP. It’s smart to limit exposure for such a newborn.
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Oh, I am so very very sorry. What a heartache to have that happen. My thoughts are with you and hope that weekend just goes by quickly.
We were lucky that my siblings in-laws, lived around NYC area. We got into a routine of spending few days before Xmas with my parents and then my siblings went to their in-laws for Xmas. My MIL didnt live by us, but we often hosted her at our house, and FIL had his other family, but they did come down every once a while.
Now my kids are finding it to be the case for them. They now spend more time with in-laws after the day instead of rushing up to there (Vermont and upstate NY) for few days before the holiday, they go later for a week+. Sometimes their in-laws would come down.
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Sorry for your loss. I totally get what you’re saying. My H passed last December and I don’t want to be here for Christmas at all and I don’t want to decorate or do anything. Going to go with my kids/granddaughter to a resort.
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I’m so very sorry! I don’t blame you one bit for just getting away. I would to.
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DH and I have reservations for a nice dine out thanksgiving dinner. DD and her husband have schedules at work that don’t really accommodate a get together ON Thanksgiving. This restaurant does a nice job! And we will see DD and SIL for desserts at some time that weekend.
Before we had children DH always had to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas which made traveling to the parents not easy to do. Once we had our own children, we decided that the morning of all holidays would be spent at home. For Thanksgiving, we had a leisurely breakfast and then sometimes went to some family home for dinner. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning were spent at our house. Ditto Easter morning.
We had a large friends group who also didn’t have local family and we spent many holidays celebrating with those folks. It was always fun.
I should add…our families live between 7 and 11 hours drive, or a plane ride away.
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Oh I am ALL IN for this thread! Here’s my long list of holiday whines:
First off, it’s going to be our 1st Thanksgiving and Xmas after D24 died. So it’s going to be pretty rough. During a normal year, I am usually the one who pushes to put up the Christmas tree and sometimes, I am the only one who makes an effort to decorate the tree. Husband likes it when it’s all up, but isn’t at all into the process of decorating it. That’s always been the case for him, so that’s nothing new.
Friends of ours are going to come visit us for Xmas and my sister is going to come over on Xmas day. That part I’m looking forward to.
Xmas Eve dinner we always do at my sister’s place. And usually at Xmas Eve dinner, she includes other people which sometimes makes it awkward. Like last year, when she included an old friend of our mom’s who was in the area on Xmas Eve (friend flew elsewhere on Xmas Day). I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on it with this particular woman, but something always feels “off” when she talks. Like, she tries to make it seem like everything is coming up roses & everything is wonderful when it’s not. And she’ll make these little comments that get under my skin a lot. It’s almost like Stepford Wife sort of behavior and it feels fake.
I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be there on Xmas Eve. Fine, whatever, we’ll have our friends as a buffer and it’ll make for interesting conversation on the drive back home that evening.
My 80 yr old narcissist dad has declared that he’d like D26 to come visit him at some point. D26 has told me that’s not ever going to happen because he’s a butthead and she doesn’t like him. Besides, his house is full of untreated mold and mildew AND D26 is super allergic to that. AND D26 doesn’t want to subject herself to day after day of him asking her intrusive questions like “Why do you think your sister killed herself?” and “Do you think your parents did anything to cause it?” I wish I was joking. Geography is our friend, though. He lives on the other side of the country from us.
For Thanksgiving Day, we decided we are hosting at our house & invited Husband’s sister & her immediate family + our 2 friends from CA. Heaven only knows if crazy UIL & AIL (uncle-in-law, aunt-in-law; Husband’s aunt & uncle) will be joining us. They were here in June for D24’s memorial service but haven’t said boo to us since then. I even texted them about a week after the memorial service to update them on something and they haven’t asked at all how any of us are doing.
For 2 people who babble a lot about faaaamily is so important to them, they certainly don’t show it. AIL is in her early 70s but has the mobility of a 90 yr old woman. UIL is, I think, 84 now. They’re both a real piece of work. I’ve never met 2 people who make things so complicated for themselves.
The 2 of them sort of invited themselves to our place for last year’s Thanksgiving. Why? To spend time with us? It was because they didn’t have a campground spot in San Diego for Thanksgiving weekend and SIL & BIL said “no way” to letting them park their RV in front of their house the entire Thanksgiving weekend. And THEN they demanded to let AIL’s cat out into our house. We said no to the cat request. But then endured passive-aggressive comments from AIL the entire time about how we wouldn’t let her cat into the house.
Oh and that’s on top of every single time AIL is at our house, she looks at Husband’s big 1980s-era Dig Dug video game machine and says loudly, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t ever allow THAT to be in MY home.” She even said it to me in June right after the memorial service for D24. Yup, you read that right. I told her at the time, “Well, then it’s good that you don’t live here, isn’t it? You can decorate your home how YOU want. We get to do the same with OUR home.”
This woman has been saying this to me for 15 years. It takes everything I have within me to not shout at her, “JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK OF THE DIG DUG MACHINE! Besides, you basically LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER, so people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! SHUT UP!”
$100 says they will call us last minute asking to come here for Thanksgiving. And then AIL will demand that I go spend $75 to buy a gluten free pie. And she’ll demand that I make gluten free stuffing (she’s got celiac disease, 1 of our other guests has celiac disease and that person isn’t Missy Demandypants like AIL is).
Hey, AIL - you want a gluten free pie? Drive yourself to a gluten free bakery and buy one yourself! After all, you’re retired and have all the time in the world. Figure it out.
I used to be the person in our extended family who would bend over backwards to make everybody happy, to be accommodating to everyone. Not this year. I’m doing things how I want to and if they don’t like it, everybody can go take a long walk off a short pier as far as I’m concerned.
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Sending you hugs. And permission to put out a bowl of shiny apples (red and granny smith makes nice contrast) and announce “here’s the gluten-free dessert”.
You are a champ for doing ANYTHING this year. Hoping the holiday season isn’t a pile-on for you…
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I am so sorry for your loss and how rough particularly this year is going to be for your family. Sending you hugs!
I have to say though, you have such a way with words. The way you describe the crazy with humor! 
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Thank you. 
I’ve found it helpful to laugh and cry AND get mad about it.
I decided earlier this year before D24 passed away that I’m a fully fledged member of the We Do Not Care Club, started by a woman named Melanie…she’s got an IG account and she posts hilarious videos of really funny “We Do Not Care Club” announcements. Sign me up, count me in, I’m in that club 100%.
In the spirit of that, here’s my top 10 things I do not care about this holiday season:
- We do not care if you want a special dish made for you at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. You’re an adult. Go and buy the ingredients yourself, make it, and bring it with you to share with everybody. We do not care if you absolutely HAVE to have that weird “salad” that Grandma always used to make. And no, “salad” does not include celery, nuts, carrots, & grapes suspended in jello.
- We do not care if you want a special dessert. Make it yourself or buy it and bring it with you.
- We do not care if you want your cat to run wild out in our neighborhood to possibly get eaten by coyotes. If you want to play with Darwinism, have at it.
- We do not care if your cat is your baby. My baby died and she’s a human, not a cat. Your cat cannot come into my house and we do not care if you don’t like that.
- We do not care if you don’t like green beans. It’s a free country. Don’t eat them. Unlike your mother, we are not the food police. The holidays is for enjoying time with each other. You could sit there and not eat a darn thing and it would not bother me.
- We do not care that you (AIL) do not like the weather in AZ. If you hate it so much, don’t come. You can call us. Oh wait, you won’t do that. Too bad. It’s your loss.
- We do not care that you don’t agree with all of our life choices. Polite people learn how to keep some of those opinions to themselves. Looks like you should go back to etiquette school for that. Or at the very least, do us a favor and just talk smack about us behind our backs like we do about you and we can just all pretend when we’re in person together again like everything is fine.
- We do not care if you do or do not like pie.
- We do not care what your opinions are about politics this holiday season. If you know what’s good for you, you will shut the heck up about it when you’re at my house. Don’t care which color of the political rainbow you prefer…red, blue, purple, green, whatever. If you can’t spend a few hours at my house without talking politics, then don’t come. We won’t miss you.
- We do not care that you don’t want to go to the movies on Thanksgiving weekend. That’s what we do in our family. You don’t have to participate.
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Agree! @sbinaz - I literally laughed out loud at living in a van down by the river in all caps.
Many cyber hugs for you as you journey through this first holiday season without your daughter. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
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You forgot one (or maybe it’s just me and my family)
We do not care that you aren’t speaking to cousin Bert, or that you vowed never to be in the same room as Aunt Rose back in 1990 and you’re sticking to it, or that Uncle Billy owes you the $5K he “borrowed” from grandpa’s estate back then to pay his bookie and promised to payback the money AND make the heirs whole. We just don’t care. Carry on with your blood feuds on your on time and your own turf. You come to my house as a guest- you don’t get to dictate the guest list or shakedown family members or alert the process server…
Love your list and you’ve earned it! So sorry for your loss and so impressed that you are handling all these very big and sad feelings so gracefully.
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Before they bought their current RV, UIL & AIL were living in one of those big Mercedes ‘sprinter vans.’ AND their 2 favorite campgrounds are right near Mission Bay and the ocean in San Diego. So pretty much ‘livin’ in a van down by the river.’
And good grief, if you saw AIL trying to hoist herself up the tall steps to get into their RV, holy cow that’s scary to watch. She’s this close from biffing it and falling and really hurting herself.
They have a cabin in the mountains in southern CA that’s totally fine. Why not stay there? “Oh we can’t stay there anymore. UIL said he can’t breathe when he’s up there.”
Ok, so how about you sell the property? “Oh, we can’t do that. We’re going to rent it out full time to cover our expenses. When UIL dies, I’m going to live up there full time.”
Um, what? How is that going to work when y’all just told us 4 months ago that both of you are losing your eyesight and you’re not sure how much longer you’ll be able to drive? How are you going to get to all of your multiple doctor appointments (AIL has a lot of them)? Because that mountain town doesn’t have specialists that she needs.
And once UIL can’t drive anymore (which is probably going to be soon, I think based on how we saw him drive 4 months ago), how are you going live in that van down by the river, since UIL is the one who drives the RV and UIL is the one who sets everything up and you don’t do any of that? “Oh, we’ll figure something out.”
It’s a train wreck waiting to happen. And there’s nothing we can do about it. There is NOTHING appealing to me about basically camping for 9 months of the year. No thanks.
Last Thanksgiving when they came here, it felt a little like dealing with Crazy Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation. Only our family’s version of Crazy Cousin Eddie had a much better looking RV.
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I’ve got a family member who has some similar characteristics. When she criticizes my table, my decor, my clothes, the way I garnish a salad I say to myself “pretty rich coming from someone who bathes in the restroom of a Walmart” which makes me smile and I can graciously say “Thanks so much for the helpful tips!”
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This part made me totally LOL!
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Wow—sorry for the tremendous recent losses shared in this thread—spouse, child, relatives. It’s challenging enough to work through it, throw in crazies with no filters and my goodness!
Wishing all the best as they move forward through the holidays.
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Yes. So sorry for everyone’s losses and troubles.
I think we all can take a cue from Melanie and the We Do Not Care Club and refuse to take on the burden of making things perfect for everyone else. It’s ok to change things up and do whatever you need to do to get through the holidays.
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We are traveling this year for Thanksgiving. I’m hoping to focus on the positives and letting the family drama go. Easier said than done but I’m typically less keyed up if I’m not hosting.
D is coming home for xmas this year for a whole week. We are going to be just the three of us and I’m looking forward to a lower key holiday. We’ve decided that the gifts this year will be about having experiences - we are visiting two speakeasies, going out for a high end dinner at a speciality restaurant with crazy cocktails, and visiting a mezcal bar. (See the theme ; )). I’ll have a few little things for D under the tree for xmas morning but I’m keeping it low key.
She has been dating someone who seems to have a lot of promise so I’m also aware that we may need to start sharing holidays sooner rather than later so I’m going to enjoy every second of alone time with her while it lasts.
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ugh, I just don’t want to think about any of it this year.
Thanksgiving:
This has been a source of angst for me for nearly 10 years, as our extended family members died, divorced, moved away and all of the traditions we had for my whole life fell apart. The last couple of years it has just been the four of us and my parents.
My father has some profound medical issues this year and I will still plan to host them, but I expect it to be anything but festive.
Christmas
We are not Christian, but we have traditionally “celebrated” in our own, low-key way (gift exchange and Chinese food, sometimes an afternoon matinee). It is always a nice day that we all enjoy (except for last year when I spent the entire day with my mom in the ER), but it can’t hold a candle to a “real” xmas celebration. Both of my daughters are in long-term relationships with gentiles - I know sooner than later they are likely to get absorbed into those family gatherings and that makes me sad (though I completely understand why it should be).
I am just dreading it all. Can we just fast forward to mid-January?
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I just made dinner reservations at Fogo de Chao for Christmas Eve dinner. I did not ask anyone, I just made the decision and did it!! We always go out to eat Christmas Eve but it has always been me asking for everyone’s input and going back and forth and then being stuck with whatever times are left for reservations by the time we all agree. Well no more!! I’m waiting for them to notice as I just added it to the calendar on my phone which everyone can see 
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