<p>As the offspring of a rather spectacularly promiscuous man, I think some people are not made for monogamy. Though with the right ideals, right environment, as exemplified by the Christian posting above, who knows what any one person is capable of. However, committed Christians can certainly have as wandering an eye and inclinations, and lack of inhibition as those of us with a more atheistic bent. </p>
<p>As Bay said, some people are just more intrinsically sexual, and struggle and fail to control their inclinations as much as those of us who tend to indulge in chocolate to excess. </p>
<p>I was involved with someone at one point who was like that, and it had broken up his marriage, as it eventually broke up our relationship. His shame and self loathing was immense. He was a sweet and loving person, who just couldn’t control himself at times. </p>
<p>After watching my dad and his adventures, I very much wanted to marry someone who was a faithful partner. Who was, until he wasn’t. </p>
<p>Regardless, I don’t think there’s much infidelity in my community of married friends and neighbors. The average person, I’d hope, does not struggle with this issue. </p>
<p>Realistic or not, it is a good ideal towards which to aspire. Yes, there are many who do succeed in it, and many who pretty much live their lives that way with some detours.</p>
<p>I think the way the youth is being brought up surrounded by sex and beauty changes their values from those of virtue and “true love”, which makes it hard for some to be monogamous.</p>
<p>Thata wat my great grannma always used to say. ;)</p>
<p>The assertion that someone can’t control themselves is absolute nonsense. If I dangle out a million bucks for your taking each time you “choose” to do what is right, you’d be very rich. The fact is, humans choose their own self government. From the looks of things, most people are very anarchist, living solely for their own pleasure with just a few moments of altruism. Few people are living to make other people’s lives beautiful. Should they choose to make their mate’s life amazingly wonderful every day, they will not for a second consider hurting their mate by infidelity or even looking for a second at pornography. How awful to consider hurting my wife in that way. I want her to always be able to look deeply into my eyes and see nothing but purity. That, indeed, is how I have lived my life. Because she is a gift from Jesus Christ to me and I am honored to treasure her with my love and fidelity. I am committed to loving my wife the way Jesus Christ loves humanity. He is my example of love.</p>
<p>Mini, I’m learning from and enjoying your history.</p>
<p>I’m curious if others had the experience of their partner having crushes. In a former, awful relationship, the man would be smitten with someone and have a hard time not talking about her. While he’d grumble about doing anything in our house, he’d help his friend buy a car, move, buy & set up computer, etc. Even if I’d ask that he refrain from mentioning her name for one evening, he couldn’t manage it. Months later he’d become disillusioned with her. Then it began again with someone else.</p>
<p>While I have never felt that fidelity was a struggle for me, I suppose it could be if I weren’t careful because I much prefer to talk to men than other women. When I go to a women’s gathering, I generally want to run out of there as quickly as possible. The conversation is so stereotypical I can’t believe it. From this week’s meeting: where the best place to get your nails done is, who’s the best person there to do it, chipped nailpolish stories, who went to the gym that morning, who ate breakfast afterward and what they ate, the bridal showers and wedding recently attended, etc. </p>
<p>My conversation with men this week: the state of education in our local schools, and the implications of Obama’s position on Israel and Palestine. Also, I’ve become quite fond of my D’ sport, and enjoy talking about it. Haven’t yet found another woman who cares one whit, so I do sometimes correspond via e-mail with several similarly-interested guy friends (they’re married too) about any interesting new developments in the sport nationally.</p>
<p>Anyone else have this problem of relating much better to the opposite gender?</p>
<p>I don’t agree with you - I relate to people, not necessarily to gender. I know men whose conversations are only about sports and working out, and women who are very interested in important topics. Yours is a broad characterization that is demeaning to women.</p>
<p>I can’t agree about the gender thing, either. Maybe I’m one of those stereotypically annoying women. I don’t get manicures or go to a gym, so I’m not nattering on about those things … I do like to hear wedding stories, though. But this week I’ve also discussed third world poverty, health care reform, and end of life issues with female friends. </p>
<p>As I read this thread, for some reason I keep remembering the old saying “A man who won’t be late can’t be late.” Could it be that a man, or woman, who won’t cheat can’t cheat? I understand temptation, but it does seem as if there must be a line beyond which you just don’t go if you won’t cheat on a spouse.</p>
<p>Oh, I know there are plenty of women that don’t fit the stereotype, but I have trouble meeting them. I try, though. For example the meeting I mentioned was a bookclub meeting where one might assume there’d be women who are interested in discussing ideas. And that accusation you just threw at me, gourmetmom, seems pretty catty given you don’t know me. Did I threaten you somehow? And by the way, cattiness is another reason some women’s gathering are nasty–a comment I didn’t mention but could have, given that I’ve seen the conversation turn to ugly gossip and petty competitions pretty frequently. I’m glad your experience is different than mine, but you have no grounds to assume anything about me because of that. Frankly, that’s why I spend time here in CC–there’s a large concentration of bright people, including women, who discuss a wide variety of topics.</p>
<p>Well, from what we can tell, Jesus wasn’t monogamous - he loved ALL of humanity (and for all we know, he was gay). Since he seemed to think he was living in the end of time, the issue of long-term monogamy wasn’t one he had to consider much, but who knows?</p>
<p>Personally, I’ve never had the emotional energy to put into more than one relationship at a time, I’d be a terrible liar, and I’ve never found the sex thing all that consuming. But I do know that is different for other people, and I don’t judge them for it. I think in our culture we put far too much energy into assuming that one single person who can fulfill all our psychic needs for an entire lifetime - it may happen, but it puts an awful burden on our partners. I think we have a lot to learn from other cultures in this regard.</p>
TheGFG, it seems to me that Gmom was responding to your post “When I go to a women’s gathering, I generally want to run out of there as quickly as possible. The conversation is so stereotypical I can’t believe it….”, not making personal accusations or assumptions. What’s catty about Gmom’s response? Disagreement isn’t catty. </p>
<p>Mini - I agree with a lot you said. I’ve been married 20 years and I’ve never had the least inclination to cheat. Never looked for the opportunity. I also don’t hold H responsible for my happiness. I have great female & male friends.</p>
<p>I do judge people that cheat. If it’s hurtful to your spouse & especially children then I don’t understand. </p>
<p>GFG - I appreciate what you’ve come across - I’ve seen too much of that as well. But I have no problems finding women who are intelligent, caring, supportive, funny, interesting. You’ve got to expand your search ;)</p>
<p>I’ve struggled with this also. IMHO, it’s not really gender based - I know lots of men who don’t like to discuss those things also. I have had the good fortune to have a cross-section of women friends. And you’re right. There is a certain segment of women who have little interest in topics outside of how they look, what clothing styles are in and the latest social event. Sadly, I’ve have yet to find a book club that really wanted to discuss more serious topics but I’m still looking…</p>
<p>However, I also have women friends who are very interested in these things, very intelligent and very well-informed. Interestingly, they are almost never concerned about how they look. I wonder if there is a correlation.</p>
<p>Thank you, Frazzled. I thought that I was clear in writing that GFG’s characterization was demeaning to women, not that she was demeaning to women. I am allowed to disagree with a point, especially one as bold as GFG’s assertion, aren’t I? I wonder if you typically present yourself this way in the company of women, if many are put off by your attitude?</p>
<p>I agree with you completely on all of this. Monogamy works great for me, but I have no problem if others need some other arrangement. However, it would be nice if people didn’t deceive the people in their lives- their spouses or their extramarital partners, and of course their children. </p>
<p>I am also fine if people decide to base their personal behavior on religious teachings. I would just like those people to realize that others may have other motivations besides religion for behaving in the same (or entirely different) way. And that we are all guaranteed the freedom to make our own personal choices in terms of religion, personal behavior, etc.</p>
<p>Though I have a number of very dear female friends, I do seem to find myself speaking to the dads a lot at gatherings, and with the men at business functions. Part of it is that I am very comfortable with men, having had many male friends growing up, being the only girl with 4 brothers, being very close to my Dad with whom I had the most discussions, debates, arguments and questions. I went to a predominantly male school and had a lot of male friends there. I have had very, very few problems with men in terms of being “hit on”. I don’t pick who I’m going to spend the time with at events; I go with the flow, and somehow it does tend to be with the men more than the women. Partly because I don’t like to shop, I think, and fashion and other female topics are not as much to my interest, though, I do want to keep up with what is going on with everyone and the women seem to be better at that. </p>
<p>As to getting over something, sometimes you just can’t. It’s not that you want to harbor the resentment, hurt etc; you just can’t get it out entirely. There are some things that are absolutely stupid that I have trouble dealing with–yes, my problem and I wish someone could just exorcise them out of me. I’d love to not feel that pain when I think of certain things. I think that a betrayal from a spouse of certain magnitudes might well be something that you can’'t “get over” though you can still love and live with the person.</p>
<p>I know people who so love their children, but those kids, and we can reverse the roles too, have done things that will always be a big hurt. My best friends kids still hurt from the divorce that occurred. To them it was the absolute worse thing in their lives, and the daughter told me she still get nightmares and wakes up in tears or dreams that the parents reconciled, and she is now 30 years old. Another has kids who have done some things that to her dying day she cannot get over. It hurts. Doesn’t mean the love is not there, and that they have not moved on. It is a permanent tear in the heart however.</p>
<p>I have to go with Gourmetmom - I meet a lot of intelligent, interesting women all the time. My girlfriends do not just talk about nails and shopping, and most of them are not catty. They are very worldy and have very intersting jobs, or do a lot of volunteer work. I also have many male friends, and they don´t always just talk about sports to me either. Believe it or not, they could give me just as many good spa sand restaurants recommendations at different cities as some of my girlfriends (and they are not gay).</p>
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