I didn’ t read 11 pages of posts…so forgive me if this has already been said.
I would NOT present my family with a bill under these circumstances. But if they offered $10 to repay me, I would,say thank you…and take it to use NEXT time I was shopping.
Correct, because that’s what the “arrangement” is, because she WANTS to pay for the stuff I deliver, or if I put gas in her car, and so on. And because if she is paying her own bills H won’t feel like he has to throw money at everyone all the time.
MIL had to go to the condo in November to deal with things there, and local SIL accompanied her because she was the only one here not working. When they announced she was going, H said WE would have to pitch in for her plane ticket. That’s when we had the discussion about MIL paying for things like that and for other things she needs. Because they are so weird about money issues. Is everyone going to keep track of everything and bill everyone else in the family all the time? It makes no sense to me at all. We’re going down in January - should everyone throw money at US then? Would they pro-rate based on the fact that we don’t ALL need to go? How does that work? And we can throw some at Sis when she goes in February. Why?
I’m not seeing how that gains you anything. Wouldn’t they offer to repay you then as well?
I think the disconnect is that you’re viewing this as a math problem or a money problem. It’s not.
It’s a social and emotional problem. Doesn’t sound like anyone is in need of the $10, so whatever makes everyone happiest is the correct answer even if the sums don’t add up.
Seems like the biggest long-term issue is helping take care of MIL. Hope everyone appreciates what you’re doing and finds a way to equitably share the responsibilities.
@sylvan8798 I’m not looking for financial “gain” from my inlaws or parents for that matter. But if they offered to reimburse me, I would say thank you…and take it. I don’t even care if they reimburse me. I am well blue to afford this. And for the record…so are my inlaws!
The reality is…I don’t need…or,want their money enough to feel,the need to keep,track of every penny o spend on any of the family elders. If I don’t want to pay for something, I decline to provide that service. i figure if I pay out of pocket…which I can well afford…i don’t expect repayment.
I will add…the relatives who lived near our family elders contributed much more on a regular basis…buying things, taking them out to dinner, etc.we did not keep track…at all.
Sorry, I think this keeping track is petty unless it is a financial burden on someone.
I do agree, your husband made an arrangement and wasn’t particularly nice in his wording to you.
But I’m going to add…dealing with the elder parents is challenging, even in the best of situations.
When you add in money issues…it can get really ugly.
“Because they are so weird about money issues. Is everyone going to keep track of everything and bill everyone else in the family all the time?”
Now, I am really getting confused. Does the above really happen? You talk about your husband’s family having “money issues”. Before you described it that your husband won’t take money and generously chipping in for things (sounds like he’s a giver to me). Now you are talking about his family keeping track of everything and billing each other? Which one is it?
How does your own side of the family handle money and how does it differ from your husband’s?
It sounds like the basis for these problems is a long time difference in families of how money is spent. If one of the other posters was correct in that you were brought up in a highly impoverished situation, and your husband was brought up well off, I can easily see how you would think of his family as, “throwing money around”. This seems like something that is going to have to be resolved or it is going to be a problem, forever. How does one let go of worrying about how every dollar is spent, if things are fair, if they equal out, if they are being taken advantage of? I don’t know, but if you can talk openly to your husband about this, it seems like the only solution.
However, even after 28 years of a great marriage, I know that some issues aren’t so easy to resolve and talk about. Good luck!
^I think OP was saying hypothetically.
OP, I think H waiving $10 off is power play and being judgmental. MIL won’t miss $10 either given or not. What’s the big deal? Since you were managing it with her, he should have left it up to you however you deal with it. He waives off $10 and acting generous. No, $10 doesn’t make one greedy for taking it nor generous for giving it up.
I once bought something for my elderly neighbor from Home Depot. It cost very little. Taking money from her was more hassle than waiving it off but I took it. I thought it would look obnoxious to waive it off, I am being generous to you. I knew she doesn’t need charity from anyone. So I had to carry a dollar and a few pennies in my bare hand back home. My charity was done in doing the errands for her not in a dollar and a few cents. Taking the money is being more respectful.
I’m not sure I’m seeing what the real issue is. That H didn’t let MIL reimburse $10? Or that the family likes to vie to be generous? Or that OP thought everything was clear and DH did the ‘generous’ thing again and embarrassed DW? Or that there is overwhelming fear someday MIL will be too dependent on this DIL? Or what?
IF MIL insists she wants to reimburse (and that’s more than, “She asks me for the receipts. I think she wants to pay for them,”) then the issue is between her and her son, who thwarted her. Likewise, if the issue is insults from DH to DW, that needs its own fix. Or, if it’s all really about control, who does what, who pays more, whose nose is out of joint, then that’s a whole different matter.
I don’t understand - the MIL wants to pay for her own things. What difference does it make if it’s $10, $100, or $1000? She is not a child and, according to the OP, money is not an issue for her.
And giving her the receipt is just common curtesy.
I asked my mom a few weeks ago to pick up some long sleeve t-shirts for me like I like at a store near her. They are incredibly cheap and we’re on sale to boot. So she sent me the 4 shirts and the receipt ($24.) it was understood I was going to pay for them. I wouldn’t think of not reimbursing her.
The issue is that MIL HAS been paying them back. One day, the OP gave her the receipt for $10 of purchases. MIL gets out her $10 and her son waives her off, saying “No, that’s okay.” Doesn’t sound like anyone treated her “like a child.” Doesn’t sound like MIL got upset. OP got upset and she and DH had what sounds like a big fight about it, with DH calling the OP “greedy” and OP telling her husband "to pound salt (is that verbatim or the gist of something a little more vitriolic, we don’t know).
If my DH forbade me from forgiving a $10 debt with my recently widowed Mom, if he came at me for not sticking rigidly and strictly to an agreement to let my Mom pay for her expenses, I’d have a problem with that. Likely without personal insults, but there probably would be words.
To me, this is about control, and again imo, really rigid adherence to “rules” or “agreements” that most likely has nothing to do with treating MIL like a child, money, or any other surface issue. This is about HISTORY.
Every family is different. Our family does not bill each other for things. We all have a good deal of money and the billing each other feels petty. It would be different if the money mattered to anyone’s lifestyle. Since you say you are wealthy and this is husbands family why not let the way his family operates be the way to deal with things. Was the " deal" you made with your MIL between you and her? If so she probably felt awkward not agreeing to reimburse you. But if her son doesn’t want that let it go.
Probably some of a lot of these things. This is a new role for me, and when I am doing errands or shopping for her, I see myself as the “delivery person” (like you expect to pay the pizza delivery guy, right? Or do you only pay if it’s more than $X?) When I go there and make dinner, it’s not like I present a dinner bill at the end (really, I don’t) because that’s a family role. SIL is helping MIL with her XMAS shopping (she’s much better at it than I am). I assume SIL is not paying for the stuff she is buying on MIL’s behalf. Probably she’s greedy too, eh?
"The issue is that MIL HAS been paying them back. One day, the OP gave her the receipt for $10 of purchases. MIL gets out her $10 and her son waives her off, saying “No, that’s okay.” Doesn’t sound like anyone treated her “like a child.” Doesn’t sound like MIL got upset. OP got upset and she and DH had what sounds like a big fight about it, with DH calling the OP “greedy” and OP telling her husband “to pound salt (is that verbatim or the gist of something a little more vitriolic, we don’t know).”
I see it as the H butting in on the arrangement decided upon between MIL and OP.
I also don’t see what having money has to do with not reimbursing someone. My mother is very wealthy and I still wouldn’t think of not paying her for things I’ve asked her to buy for me. She also doesn’t want me to pay for things she’s asked me to buy for her - even though I don’t need the money either.
If you ask your neighbor to pick up a dozen eggs at the store for you because you know they are going, wouid you not pay them for it - even though it’s only a couple of dollars?
I see the situation as the H not respecting his wife and his mother.
Your time is what is valuable here.
What has worked in my family in similar situations is that the person doing the shopping have a shared credit card with the individual for whom the shopping, gas fill-ups, prescription pickups, etc, is being done. The credit card is only used for expenses for the elderly person. Then there is no need to be pulling out money and writing checks. And there is an accurate and easy to read accounting for everyone to see what is going on. It was a way for all of us in the family to keep up with the elderly person’s expenses when she or he couldn’t handle it any longer.
I think a few already proposed the shared credit card or a debit card. We just preferred a credit card.
I understand your MIL doesn’t seem to be in that situation yet, where she can’t handle her finances. And maybe this will never be an issue for your family.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
But what if your DH had just cooked dinner for your Mom, and while at the grocery store he rang up other items specifically for your Mom separately (not the dinner stuff but toothpaste, her favorite cereal). You just showed up at her place once dinner was ready and afterwards your mom asked to see the bill and repay the $10 like she’s done several times before.
Is it then your place to waive it off and say no, don’t bother? Considering you just showed up to eat, and your DH and mom have had this arrangement going for a while? Then you’re essentially jumping into the middle and saying, “I’m going to be gracious for stuff I didn’t do and interject myself into an arrangement I haven’t been involved with and DH I don’t care what the routine is and that you did everything, I get to be the gracious one here.”
If you had this arrangement, and it usually went that way, and then one day your Mom says, “No honey, I’ve got it this time,” would you proceed to initiate WW III over it? Just how rigidly would you enforce the agreement? That’s the issue as I see it, not that being wealthy has anything to do with anything.
Also, I would never make an arrangement like this with MY HUSBAND’s mother without his imput. I sure wouldn’t come to an arrangement like this with his mother and then assert it’s none of his business.
That said, the OP has not claimed that this was an arrangement between herself and her MIL. She stated from the beginning that her husband agreed that his mom would reimburse them for expenses. But CLEARLY he has a difference of opinion about allowing occasional deviations from this. He clearly doesn’t agree that this is something that is an all or nothing deal. It sounds like every once in awhile, he is happy to treat his mom to a measly $10 expense. And THAT’s what needs to be addressed-the differences in how they define this agreement. This is a problem between spouses and how they view the situation, which has way more to do with ancillary issues than the money itself.
If I were in this situation, I would go about it like we agreed, but on the rare occasion my husband even happened to be present during these exchanges, I would have no problem with him treating her to an occasional grocery run. God knows she has done more for him than we could ever repay anyway. I would view it as him simply being in a generous mood and let it go. That’s just me, but the OP did ask for opinions.
No one has said that, and that’s not what you said your situation is with your MIL. From what you’ve explained, she offered to pay per your agreement, your H waived it off, and you took it. What some have said is that they wouldn’t have taken it under the circumstances you’ve presented here. Others would. If you’re going to ask a question like “is it greedy?” on the internet, you should brace yourself for a few answers you don’t like. It goes with the territory.
IMO, this isn’t about $100 or even $10. They are small pieces of the puzzle in a much bigger picture, and the $10 is just what made the pot of growing resentment boil over when it did. I don’t sense any resentment toward your MIL and don’t think it has anything to do with her, but just the overall family dynamic.
I can sympathize with your position. You know your MIL is likely to need even more help as time passes and you feel you could end up to be the “bad guy” no matter what you do if the boundaries and expectations aren’t set soon, and definitively. You want your H to appreciate what you’re doing even if the rest of the family doesn’t. Instead, he calls you greedy, focusing on the lousy 10 bucks instead of the shopping, cooking and chauffeuring.
On the other hand, if I had a spouse who took $10 from my mother under similar circumstances after I’d waved it off, I think I’d be a little ticked off regardless of any agreement they had on the side. That said, I think your H’s reaction was inappropriate. A better approach would have been to express his appreciation for all you are doing for his mother, but ask that next time he waves of $10 (or $100), could you just “go with it” regardless of whatever agreement you’d made?
I usually spend a few hundred $ on my parents every time I visit. My father is the type to buy one thing at a time as needed, but my mother likes to stock up on things like TP and paper towels with enough to last for weeks if not months and be done with it. She has certain brands she likes where my father will just buy the first thing he sees, so I usually do a bulk item run for them when I’m visiting so my father doesn’t run out and buy “whatever.” I’ll also fill up their tanks, wash their cars, etc. I like to.
My mother will let me pay without making a fuss because she knows it makes me happy to do it. My father always wants to pay for everything, but had no idea how much things cost when you buy in bulk, so he’d give me $20 thinking that would cover it and I’d keep my mouth shut. Then he wanted to go with me once and was shocked when I spent $200 at Costco and $100 at Target. Now he badgers me for an accounting of what I spend down to a $5 receipt. It drives me nuts. It costs a fortune to raise a child. After all they did for me, let me buy some freak’n TP and paper towels if I want to. Jeesh! 
If I understand it correctly, that is not the issue. MIl DID offer to pay for the dozen eggs, and her son told her it was on him this time. So again, my question is does their agreement mean no exceptions EVER? It has to be one way every single time? Rigid adherence or adherence in in spirit? That’s what the spouses need to decide, because it’s obvious they don’t agree. I also hardly see how treating his mom to an occasional carton of eggs is disrespectful to her unless he gets into an argument with her on the reimbursement and makes a huge power play over it. Then I’d agree.
“To me, this is about control, and again imo, really rigid adherence to “rules” or “agreements” that most likely has nothing to do with treating MIL like a child, money, or any other surface issue. This is about HISTORY.”
I agree and I do think it is about money as well and different philosophies on how to handle it, stuff that has built up with time. I keep coming back the the initial post and the $100 the husband spent to reimburse his sister for some of the $ spent on groceries to stock the house for grieving relatives.
If the OP had said that her husband would never let her take money from his mother and that he always insisted on paying, I might get the complaint the OP has. In this case, she is talking about a very small one time $10 amount. Nothing was said about not accepting payment for the future.
If my neighbor asked me to pick up a dozen eggs, I’d wave that off as well, just for the record. 
Obviously, we all bring our own $ philosophies to the discussion. I don’t like to nitpick about a few bucks here or there. I think it all washes out in the end and the world is a better place when kind deeds are done for one another without settling accounts all the time, especially when it comes to small dollar amounts. Even more so when it is family.