<p>VeryHappy–so he adopted you! How sweet!</p>
<p>mom2collegekids–now that’s real gall. Or more likely just plain weird. Aren’t you glad you didn’t have your friend’s parents?
My kids used to say they appreciated me more the better they knew their friend’s parents.</p>
<p>It’s never appropriate to organize and invite people to a party in one’s own honor or a child’s honor and expect guests to pay. D in particular was "invited " to a number of birthday parties like this. Of course, these are kids, and they don’t always know better. And parents are not necessarily aware of all the finer details with teenagers. </p>
<p>Nothing wrong with friends organizing and planning a birthday dinner together, but it has to be made clear ahead of time whether each person is expected to pay their own way or split the bill. If they are chipping in for the guest of honor that should also be spelled out. I always assumed the worst and sent money, even if there was a written invitation.</p>
<p>Some of the stories on here are unbelievable. People can be so strange!</p>
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<p>Among families in my social circle…especially family, bringing a hostess gift was a nice “extra” gesture for non-family guests/acquaintances, but not required. If anything, hosts expecting such a hostess gift wouldn’t be very well-regarded. </p>
<p>Moreover, within my own family, such gifts would be regarded as a slight as it signaled the family member/close-friend is trying to distance themselves to being mere acquaintances. </p>
<p>As for family outings…if my extended family encourages me to invite a friend to vacation with them(only happened as an adult), they would never expect a hostess gift as they’d regard my close friends as their close friends. </p>
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<p>It’s possible his family may not have had much money and the son clumsily went about trying to conceal the fact till the last minute. </p>
<p>I was in that position during college and I’d personally beg off joining such meals/gatherings. Only thing was my more well-off friends would vehemently refuse my begging off and insist on paying for my meals and to “fuhgeddaboudit” when inquiring as to how to pay them back as they didn’t want to leave me out and felt my company was the most important thing. </p>
<p>Nowadays, I don’t think twice about doing the same about insisting on having friends who have financial constraints to join other friends to hang out over a meal…even ones at more ritzy NYC places and paying for them without expecting or even wanting them to think about paying me back. I’d just tell them to “treat me next time whenever”…and then make a mental note to never collect on it.</p>
<p>The last birthday “party” I hosted for my D, was her 8th. It was at an upscale Italian restaurant at the beach. She invited 3 friends, and we called it a ‘dinner party’ - the girls dressed to the nines and yes, I paid (which is why there were only 3 guests). We had a blast. After that we did group things, like riding bikes to the beach and having ice cream. The last one was her 16th and she invited her friends to join us at ColdStone for ice cream, again, my treat. It was a lot of fun, and to this date (she’s 24) her friends still talk about the fun stuff we’ve done to celebrate her birthday. </p>
<p>I suppose in this economy, anything goes. I don’t think I would be offended, but certainly if I (me and my D) could not afford to pay for a dinner as well as a small token gift I would just say so, and D would have to find a way to pay for it herself, or simply not attend. As a single parent, more often than not she probably would not be able to go. </p>
<p>Maybe, OP (and others) you could offer your kid a 50/50 split. Say the dinner and gift cost $50, you each kick in $25. That makes the kid responsible for making a rational decision whether or not to attend.</p>
<p>Lately my son has been going to several birthday parties ( he is a senior) and what they do is that no one brings presents ( I even bought some for him to take but he refused). Each person pays for their own food and they split the part of the honoree. I think is fair. It’s is a way to celebrate and not spend a truck load of money.</p>
<p>Oh wait…I just remembered, last summer we celebrated D’s 23rd birthday by going parasailing. She invited her best friend, and I paid. Not cheap, but worth the price!</p>
<p>*Well, one of the boys didn’t bring ANY money. He and his date ordered full meals, and when the bill came, of course they didn’t pay. The girl assumed the boy was paying (It was HIS school, not hers), and the boy brought NO money. The rest of the group had to cover these costs.</p>
<p>I still wonder about this boy and his parents. What were the parents thinking? Don’t they ask their kids what the plans are and make sure that they have the money to participate? And, what was this boy thinking? He knew he didn’t have any money. Why didn’t he and his date skip the dinner and say that they’d meet at the dance? Very strange.</p>
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<p>It’s possible his family may not have had much money and the son clumsily went about trying to conceal the fact till the last minute. </p>
<p>I was in that position during college and I’d personally beg off joining such meals/gatherings. Only thing was my more well-off friends would vehemently refuse my begging off and insist on paying for my meals and to “fuhgeddaboudit” when inquiring as to how to pay them back as they didn’t want to leave me out and felt my company was the most important thing. *</p>
<p>I totally “get” that and have no problem being generous with a less-fortunate friend…that is what friends do. However, it’s never “forced” (as it was in this case). </p>
<p>This was NOT a case where he had tried to “beg off” the invite and someone with “deep pockets” had told him not worry. </p>
<p>H and I were actually at the restaurant (sitting in another area because son was a frosh and couldn’t drive), and my son had to come to me to get some more cash to cover this kid and his date’s food. Young kids (frosh) don’t usually have credit cards, so to just expect that the others would cover his and his date’s costs was living dangerously. As it was, the other kids didn’t have enough money which is why my son had to hunt us down for the rest of the needed funds. (and, no one was ever paid back…we (the parents) didnt’ expect to get paid back, but the other kids should have been. ).</p>
<p>Again, if he didnt’ have the money, BEFORE the event he could have told his friends that he and his date couldn’t join them for the dinner. IF AT THAT POINT, the friends wanted to offer, then fine. But to show up, eat two meals, and then expect others to pay is ridiculous. Keep in mind that many of these kids didn’t have “parent funded” homecomings. These are kids who worked part-time to fund their night.</p>
<p>We’ve invited both of son’s best high school friends on special trips, one to NYC for a Broadway show (Phantom) when they were 10 or 12 and the other to a wonderful island off the coast of Kenya (friend was already studying in Nairobi) when they were about 20. In both cases, we were more than happy to pay for everything. Any money they brought, they were free to spend on souvenirs or whatever. I can’t adequately express how much more fun our son had because his friends were with him. In Lamu, Kenya we could turn them loose to explore the island together. S’s friend has the most amazing social skills and they met people all over the place including some Rasta’s who were working on a ship and took them aboard to help them. We later hired these guys to take us to an archeological site by boat. We were becalmed and barely made it back in time for dinner with Ali Hippie, a great local character the boys had found. Our son would have had a good experience with his parents, but…you can’t buy this kind of stuff.</p>
<p>Re: the original post - There needs to be some down-ward pressure on the expenses of these events. My daughter didn’t want to spend so much money, but still wanted to be part of the group. She would go and order water. Usually another would notice and would decide it was a good idea. Next time more girls were thinking -why they were spending so much money? And eventually the locations of these get-togethers would get scaled-back because more girls would think about it. It goes in cycles. Someone gets an idea- almost a fantasy of a perfect evening. Others then want to copy adding their own individual style. And then there is pull-back from enough others in the group.</p>
<p>I’m wondering whether, in the OP’s case, the birthday girl’s parents picked the restaurant. I think most kids prefer less expensive food anyway.</p>
<p>Everybody has to decide for themselves about boundaries. We’ve been very fortunate to be able to afford the extra cost of some special kids at our table and provide them with experiences which maybe their own parents couldn’t provide so easily. I never (or at least try) expect anything in return. Even a thank-you card (just another learning experience!). It’s been a privilege to me to have them around–they’re great kids and I hope I’ve helped them along in some small way. I know I learned from them. And the thank-yous usually show up later in myriad ways even if it’s not in a traditional stamped envelope.</p>
<p>The friend we took to Lamu did come home from Africa with the prettiest wooden salad servers I’ve ever seen as a gift for us. I was so touched, but we certainly didn’t expect anything. Of course, he thanked us many times, before, during and after the trip. He also took us all over Nairobi and our son was able to stay in his apt and explore “the other side” of Nairobi with students his age.</p>
<p>The other friend has been his sidekick since age 3 and smoothed over so many social situations for my shy son. Friend’s parents have done countless things for my son too. They don’t need to be expensive things to be meaningful.</p>
<p>bethie, that’s a wonderful story. It terrific that the boy was so appreciative, and expressed it so well.</p>
<p>I think parents and kids should find a nice way to make clear to all parties involved if this is an invitation or just a get together with friends where everyone is responsible for their own bill. Also I think that parents should impose limits in consumption. Maybe pre-order some of the drinks and appetizers so the selection is reduced.</p>
<p>Seems like it would be easier to just have a party at home. Cheaper anyway and no room for misunderstanding, unless the parent divides up the grocery bill and charges the kids.</p>
<p>unless the parent divides up the grocery bill and charges the kids.</p>
<p>Hey, I think I know a dad who might have wanted to try that. ;)</p>
<p>That said, I must say that every time we’ve hosted a “kids party” at our home, the guests’ moms have practically begged to bring something (this is the South…lol). It seems to be what they do here…they can’t go anywhere without bringing (more) food. It’s a sweet gesture. I guess it’s there way of sharing the burden of party-giving.</p>
<p>When we or our kiddos go to parties, we always bring food or perhaps a hostess gift (flowers) etc. this is common in HI In circles I run in. </p>
<p>D and her friends started splitting bills after HS but were very clear about it and gifts were scaled back greatly when bills were split and the honoree wasn’t hosting. Seems to have worked pretty well for them.</p>
<p>HImom–around here, when adults go to parties they will bring wine, flowers, chocolates, etc., but I’ve never seen that done at kid parties.</p>
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<p>Here, in Midwest, usually it is the parents of the kids who will bring a hostess gift when they are dropping of the kids. This usually happens when the host parents do a lion share of hosting and/or around holidays.</p>
<p>This is not to say that I have not observed crass behavior around here. Last years my son was invited to pay to play type of place for a birthday party. He confirmed with the birthday boy that everything will be covered. Yet, after my son arrived and gave the birthday boy present, it turned out that my son had to pay for his own admission and some of the boys came from a pre-party, to which my son was not invited. </p>
<p>I paid for my son’s admission and he went and according to him had a good time. But from now on he knows what’s up when it comes to the birthday boy.</p>
<p>P.S.
Mom2ck, your story about skiing trip gets the top prize. Unbelievable!</p>