<p>maidenMom, I am just appreciating your honesty while smh. But to each his own…</p>
<p>acollegestudent: you don’t have to tell or inform them anything. They get the invitation, they decide if they can /want to come. You don’t send out a reception menu although you sometimes let guests choose an entree. If there is one (We were cookies, punch, salad, cake) Hopefully everyone you’ve invited has love and respect for your life and are delighted for the chance to share such a meaningful moment with you. Period.</p>
<p>I certainly wouldn’t call Jack & Jills “gross” - it’s just…different. The couples’ families typically put it together and about a week before the party there’s an ad in the paper. Something like “Jack & Jill party for John Smith and Amy Jones on (date) at Elks Club. $10 per person”. We live in a small town, so many people know each other - complete strangers would not attend. More like - I went to high school with him or I used to work with her mother - so family, friends and acquaintances would attend. People look forward to them.</p>
<p>It’s mostly families who have been in the community for a very long time (many generations) and know lots of people. Couples actually get a few thousand dollars at these.</p>
<p>My dear friend’s daughter is getting married this Oct and they have - gasp - decided to have 1 hour of open bar while appetizers are served. They won’t tell people ahead of time because they think folks will stock up on drinks to last the rest of the evening. After the 1 hour it reverts to a cash bar. She thinks they’re being extremely generous and I think it’s tacky…but I’ll keep my mouth shut!</p>
<p>I think it’s a lot easier to say you’d be fine throwing a wedding without your family in attendance than it is to actually do it. Personally, I wouldn’t do something that would alienate my guests, as absurd as they’re being, just to avoid appearing crass to people that aren’t even invited. If MY guests aren’t offended, what’s wrong with it?</p>
<p>“shaking my head.” Maidenmom, what is the primary purpose of a wedding to you? Is it not to celebrate the marriage of people who want to spend their lives together? I too am shaking my head, although I appreciate your honesty.</p>
<p>The family that I care about being at my wedding will come hell or high water. The small part of my family that might not come without an open bar, I truly couldn’t care less whether or not they came. I’m not even inviting my bio grandmother. </p>
<p>I do plan on providing alcohol but I personally have never thought of a cash bar as tacky. I’ve been to several, especially weddings of people my age that aren’t being funded by parents.</p>
<p>Bearvet, thanks for helping me understand the J&J concept a little better. I can see how it would be more comfortable to people in a small town, and considered just another way of helping someone in the community get a good start.</p>
<p>It’s really not that different from bar/bat mitzvahs or Sweet 16 parties or quinceaneras where kids get thousands of dollars for their future use, I suppose.</p>
<p>I didn’t want alcohol at my reception . My inlaws insisted on providing cases of champagne.
I was unhappy but I see their point.
We paid for everything ourselves other than the champagne and it was very low budget.</p>
<p>The reason for a bat/bar mitzvah is not to get money to host a future event, or have I misinterpreted it?</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with taking one’s guests preferences into account as a host, IF and only if it’s something you can afford to do. That is not at all the same thing as rude guests issuing ultimatums. </p>
<p>We had open bars at our affairs, but I honestly think that our guests would have never missed them. On the other hand, most of our guests are from places where a substantial cocktail hour menu is served - food stations and the whole nine yards. Where I live, they charge a LOT more to have this as compared to an area where it’s expected and there is more competition. We did it because we knew our guests would enjoy it, but no way I would have felt pressured if I couldn’t afford it.</p>
<p>@sally305, Of course it’s different. People are not charged a fee at a wedding or bar mitzvah or sweet 16. Any gift that is given is voluntary and from the heart.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say notification of “no alcohol” is neither necessary or appropriate. If guests happen to hear by word of mouth, and decide not to come, it’s their issue.</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to say anything. They can come and if they are disappointed in the no-alcohol, that’s their problem, not yours. I don’t see why you’d have to tell them in advance that there’s no alcohol any more than you’d have to tell them you’re not serving filet mignon or pumpkie pie. </p>
<p>If it’s for abstinence reasons due to addiction (and not wanting a relapse), then more power to you and even less reason that you need to “explain” to anyone else. You don’t need any more reason not to serve alcohol than simply “I prefer not to.”</p>
<p>Emaheevul 07 – Thank you for posting this. I feel somewhat better knowing I am not the only person in this position and that other people feel this same pressure. My mom would seriously flip out. She is already upset that I will not be serving appetizers but I finally told her that I cannot afford them and if she sees it as a necessity, she is welcome to provide them. I find it funny that my future MIL is the person who has contributed a lot financially to this wedding and has made the fewest demands out of everybody. All she wanted was for some longtime family friends to be invited. Done. </p>
<p>greenbutton – It would be nice if I could just wash my hands of the whole issue but that just really is not in line with reality. Aside from the people who would not come at all, there would be many just sitting around looking absolutely miserable. I have seen it at other family functions before. You would think from their expressions that you are only offering pond water to drink. </p>
<p>Consolation – You are absolutely right that it is insane. And that many of these people in question do have a drinking problem. Then cue the added baggage of being an enabler. It feels horrible. </p>
<p>Pizzagirl – Oh, I would really be in for it if I did not serve beer. Many of my relatives do not drink wine. They will already be mad enough about the lack of liquor. No doubt that they are the ones with the problem but they make it into my problem by being critical and acting miserable. Either way it impacts my ability to enjoy our wedding day. </p>
<p>mini – In that case I would be expected to find another facility. I have experienced such scorn because I have chosen a location that is mildly inconvenient for my guests (45 minutes drive). My grandmother has apparently decided that in choosing this location I was choosing to not really invite her. She has some health issues and can become overwhelmed by a lot of activity but we had already arranged for her to have a hotel space to retreat to if she was not feeling well, and to seat her far away from the speakers and dance floor. This apparently is not sufficient. </p>
<p>I really have just come to the conclusion that weddings are not about the bride and groom anymore to a lot of people. We wanted to get married in a beautiful, unique location and because it is a mild inconvenience for people, I have been treated as though I am horrible and selfish. My family is already being unsupportive as it is and not serving alcohol would really be the nail in the coffin for me. </p>
<p>Then why do people have registries at showers or weddings? It is not “voluntary” if it is expected, nor is it exactly “from the heart” if the desired gifts are being prescribed to guests. In the case of the Jack and Jill parties, the desired gift is cash rather than flatware or onesies. I don’t really see such a huge difference.</p>
<p>And i don’t know about you, but it often seems like an obligation when one is invited to an event where a “contribution” is expected even if the host is not someone who knows the guest well. We’ve all been invited to events where we have wondered “why did they invite me?” Sometimes the motives of the hosts don’t seem all that sincere or “from the heart” either.</p>
<p>When my father heard, almost minute, that I was having only beer & champaign at my wedding reception (he had given me some wedding money, but I had planned/budgeted it all myself) When he heard, he insisted on paying for an open bar. That worked well. It was his friends -his generation- that where going to care. And he’d invited a lot of them.</p>
<p>I didn’t have a registry at my wedding, it didn’t even occur to me. I don’t ever think to ask others if they are registered either. I give most everyone a crystal vase or bowl.</p>
<p>My daughter and her fiance went down to the courthouse on a Friday afternoon and got married. They spent the weekend at a nice hotel in a city three hours away. Everyone knew they were going to courthouse so it wasn’t an elopement. There was no angst, no pressure, no attempt a pleasing relatives, no alcohol discussion, just a wedding. Not the way I did it or would have expected her to do it but she’s never done anything the way I expected her to so why would her wedding be any different? We’re happy because they’re happy.</p>
<p>On the other hand, we did have an open bar at our wedding these many years ago and it turned out that only a few people felt the need for mixed drinks or hard liquor. It cost much less than we had expected.</p>
<p>We had a champagne toast, two punches (one with champagne and the other not). Very small wedding…no bar at all. Funny, in EVERY picture of the small reception, someone is holding a beer! We think our best man and a couple of friends came with the stock!</p>
<p>We have been to a couple of weddings recently where there was a cocktail hour prior to the dinner, with open bar. Wine was served with dinner, but the bar was closed. No one seemed to think this was tacky or a problem.</p>
<p>I suspect what feels different is that the gift is for a wedding at which the gift-givers will wind up being entertained. If it were fundraising for the couple’s lives, then I could almost see it like a shower or like an old-fashioned barn-raising – we get together to help this young couple get a start in life, whether we’re giving cash or gifts or services. But it’s fundraising to put on an event that I’ll ultimately be invited back to – that’s what is odd to me. Wouldn’t you rather give a couple that is starting out and maybe struggling $XX for their LIVES together, rather than $XX for a wedding?</p>
<p>“mini – In that case I would be expected to find another facility.”</p>
<p>Our feeling is that at any large gathering of people, 10-15% of the people there are either in recovery from alcoholism, alcoholic, or have a serious substance abuse problem. We don’t want to be responsible in any way if even one person relapses or has difficulties as a result. We don’t think of it as a significant inconvenience for others. We advertise that it is a no-alcohol facility, and people want to hold their events elsewhere, that’s just fine with us. But you have no idea how grateful people (non-teetotalers) have been for us to make that decision for them, especially in not having to confront Uncle Bill and Aunt Bertha when they go over the top.</p>
<p>We also like to demonstrate that people can have a really good time without it.</p>