Junior Aspie/ADHD son with so-so grades and no motivation/interests--where to go from here?

Parent Cafe
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Hi, Brand new to CC and have been very interested in the threads I’ve read. Most of the posts I’ve read involve kids with uber-high talent levels or hard-workers with disabilities. There doesn’t seem to be many like my situation, and I’m looking for any insight. My DS is average. Average grades, average intellect. Below average motivation for anything. He’s ADHD, Aspergers in a mainstream school. He rows crew because we made him pick a sport. He goes to school, crew, comes home, does homework, plays on his phone/iPad. Repeat. Every day. If we suggest an activity, he’ll usually do it. But, there’s no internal drive, no motivation, no interests, no friends. On the bright side, there’s no substance abuse or depression. There’s just not anything.

He’s passively living his life. An observer, not a participant.

We’ve done therapy, social skill groups, medications, aides, tutors. He has agendas, planners, apps, alerts galore. We’ve let him fail, then picked him back up and discussed ad nauseam what went wrong. He’s remorseful when he screws up and then does it again two weeks later. Missed assignments, forgotten tests–executive functioning skills are low but the knowledge of what he should be doing is there, just not used. The same goes with social skills. He says he just doesn’t feel the need for a friend. His therapist says that’s not uncommon, but he has to make himself do it.

We’ve hit the wall (as I’m sure some of you can relate). Have no idea what to do next. He’s not college ready, and we doubt he will be next year. But, since he doesn’t have any other skills or interests (other than anime – reading and watching, not drawing or writing it) we’re at a loss of what type of programs to consider. He’s not an outdoorsy kid. We’ve sent him to Aspie-like summer programs where he fakes it for 3 weeks says he enjoyed it but never speaks of it again.

I love my son. I get the mantra, love the kid on the couch. But, do you sit and wait for your child to ‘find their path’ when there’s no motivation to do so? He thinks he’s going to college yet has never once looked at a college website unless we told him to. He’s a literal kid and took an online career test and now tells everyone he has to go into human resources because that’s what the quiz told him.

Sorry for the long rant. I’m looking for concrete examples of the low-to-average kids and how they’ve managed. Thanks.

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Pretty sure this is going to be an outlier thought since you’re asking a fairly biased audience (focused on college), but I’d stop assuming college is by default the right path. Instead of figuring out how to make college work, first figure out if college is the best next step.

Think about what type of job he could and would do. Be realistic. It won’t be a career in human resources, no matter what an online career test indicates. It will be something that fits his unique skills and abilities and which he can do without large amounts of ongoing supervision or accommodation. Your son’s therapist and teachers may have some ideas, too. Once you have a list of what types of jobs he could and would do, you then back into whether college is needed or not. If college is needed, then you can look at programs that would work.

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Special ed teacher here. Does your son have an IEP? You don’t mention what grade he’s in, but transition to post-secondary life should be a major part of the IEP after age 14. You need to make sure the IEP team is doing its job and not just assuming “college” as a goal and leaving it to you to figure out how. His school can provide career testing, shadowing opportunities, etc. Even without an IEP, your guidance counselor should be able to help. There are resources to find Aspie-friendly colleges.

It sounds like your son is willing to try things, which is a great advantage, and college is not his only option. Does your school have a technical program? I’ve had my students cycle through programs for a few days at a time, and sometimes something clicks, even if it’s just with a certain teacher. One of my former Aspie students is a mason who’s making more money than most of his peers. He just loved the idea of making everything plumb and level, and is amazing at it.

So my advice is to get your school to help pick a direction, and start moving towards a goal. Sometimes one door leads to another, and even finding what you don’t like is progress.

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Thanks for your perspective. He goes to a private prep school since 7th grade so no IEP. Part of the conundrum with our son is that he’s too high functioning for most special needs schools and groups we had him in, and yet, not typical enough. He’s that middle ground kid who doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. But, his advisor and college counselor are good places to start. Again, thanks for your thoughts!

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I agree he doesn’t sound college ready. When I was in Germany we had apprentices in our office. They went to school part time and worked for us part time. For at least one of them - it was a real eye opener to be in the real world. He became a much better and more focused student. BTW I also know people there who got shunted into vocational tracks they did not like. It’s not the be all and end all!

As an architect I work with guys in construction. They live solid middle class lives and really love what they do. Making things is very satisfying work.

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Honestly he might never be techinically college ready but unless he’s someone who would enjoy working with his hands I’d do what I could to get him there. A mundane office job might be a better fit and a college degree no matter from what college could be very helpful in getting those sorts of jobs.

I would definitely not worry about whether he is looking at college websites. Is there a college near you where he could attend while living at home that is not particularly challenging ?

You don’t say what his private school is like but if it’s a competitive one you might be surprised how relativity manageable he finds a low ranked college where the students don’t have his background. A friend of mines son was somewhat like yours (but not on the spectrum ) Got the degree. Works at an insurance company low level but can support himself and that’s good ennough

My advice for an average kid with no interest in a trade is get him some sort of college if can be done affordably.

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Community colleges are a great option. Plus, I would think (but can not confirm) that they would have a counselor who could also help guide him on his path toward finding what may be of interest long term.

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Your son reminds me a lot of my sister. In her case, it just took her longer to find an interest than it does most kids. She did community college (1-2 courses at a time for a general AA) for a few years after high school while living at home and working a part time data entry job. Then out of no where she was suddenly obsessed with planes and flying. No one in my family knows how it happened; she doesn’t know anyone with this interest and we don’t live in an area where flying is a big hobby for a lot of people. But now, at 25, she’s in school for engineering and wants to work in aviation. I don’t think she’s a stellar student, but she’s not the kid on the couch anymore.

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Does he have any work experience? I would suggest he start looking for a part time job for the summer. Just the experience of applying and interviewing would be good for him.

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We gave our kids a bit of a push. Explained that they were expected to be self supporting SOMEHOW when they got out of college. They could pick the path, but needed to meet that goal somehow.

Since your son tends to be fairly willing to try things, I’d get a copy of the Book of Majors (published by College Board) and ask him to go through with a couple different colors of post-it’s to mark areas that sound “Great!” or “Might be interesting…”. Once he identifies some areas that might work, help him figure out some colleges nearby & in his academic range to consider. Nothing wrong with 2 years at CC to start out, too – he may still need your support for a couple more years. Maybe he will pick a job/career that just requires an AA degree, too.

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My nephew is very much like this. He is 22 an just now got his first full-time job and is taking some computer tech classes. He was not ready for much after graduation. He had an IEP but the school basically said they were done after high school and had no real plan for him. He tried community college and it was a mess. Not a good fit. He started working part-time at an elder care facility serving at meal times. He did that until this year. He worked at the grocery store. Didn’t show up on time and they fired him after a couple of weeks. This actually helped him. He then started working as a stocker at Tuesday Morning and actually loved the job. It was part time but a good number of hours. That has lead him to his work now at a manufacturing facility. He needed the hands on, clearly defined tasks, no writing or critical thinking skills involved job. He is a whiz at memorization, loves history, lives on his computer but won’t write a paper and thinking outside the box makes him very unhappy. Look into jobs and see if you can find something he likes to go to. At some point he will find what fits his personality. Try out a community college class. Don’t start with a lot, one or two and see. The key my sister found is to go slow and be patient. (I have a daughter with mental illness who isn’t in college and just started working again in the last few weeks so I understand that changing your dreams for these kids can be hard.) If there are high achieving siblings it can also be hard.

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This sounds exactly like my stepson. He graduated on time with decent grades from a public high school, and gave lip service to the idea of going to college. He lived with his mother so we didn’t really see him day to day, but when he was with us all seemed on track. He filled out the FAFSA and took the SAT on time. When he graduated we expected to see him enrolled in the CC closest to his home.

Turned out he (and his mother) never really intended to follow up with school. He did nothing. We were amazed at first, and then concerned–it seemed inconceivable to me that a new HS graduate who had been given a car (by his grandmother) and had at least $10K in the bank at his disposal (we had saved for him for school) was not doing ANYTHING. He had no get up and go, no curiosity about the world, his life, his future. I thought that he needed some kind of intervention, diagnosis, something–this disinterest in life wasn’t normal. But his mother didn’t see it that way and did nothing while he played incessant online games.

There were no drugs or other trouble so we were glad about that, but still–we were sad to see him missing out on what should have been the best time of his life. After a couple of years on the couch he got a job at a supermarket, and now 10 years later he’s on a managerial track. Still living at home. His mother is not well and now he’s taking care of her (I guess), but his life is still so limited and it’s sad to see.

College is definitely not the only path, but IMO a young adult with no interest in his/her own life needs help. If he had lived with us, we would have forced him to get out of the house–either to classes locally, or a job, a club, volunteering, SOMETHING. There are lots of things to do if but someone may need to push them out the door. The Peace Corps? Americares? Whatever. DO SOMETHING. You can’t find inspiration and passion if you’re not out there experiencing stuff, meeting people, looking around. Travel can be a real eye-opener if that’s a possibility.

35 years ago my brother–definitely NEVER college-bound–found inspiration during a road trip across country after a few years at home. He ended up relocating to a different state where he could do the work that really lit him up. He never would have found it if he hadn’t taken that trip.

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Time for a job.

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Maybe a small job since he is a junior. It might be good to research career training for post high school. Some areas have a vo-Tech school for high schoolers also. At ours the kids go half day to the high school and half day to the vo-Tech. But yes college isn’t the answer for all kids at 18.

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In many ways your son is like mine, who is also a Junior, except he has enough intelligence to overcome his Executive Function skills and test taking to get into a decent college, and he wants to program computers. But from the social side of things and being on his own, I really really worry about if he is ready for college. In my research there are schools that offer mentors for kids on the spectrum. I sometimes think that for at least my kid, getting him on his own with some help would be better than living at home still. try best value schools dot com / rankings/studentswithautism

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Mom of Aspie here. In my experience, it’s easy to parent someone else’s child, but not so easy when it’s the kid on the couch. “We would have…” Yeah, how are you planning to do this? It’s difficult to motivate a person who is motivated by nothing.

I sent my Aspie son off to college. More than once. This was a big mistake. I urge the OP to get their son to get a job. “Developmentally delayed” means, well, developmentally delayed. If this kid ends up going to college at age 25 or age 30, that is fine. If this kid never gets a college degree, it’s fine.

Speaking as someone who is spectrumy myself, I’d suggest that you not think of this time as “the best years of his life.” My life has steadily been getting better. This kid has his whole life ahead of him. He doesn’t have to have the best years now. Also, the activities that many people think of as making up the best years of life turn out, in many cases, not to be the activities Aspies enjoy.

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I have told my aspie son that nobody really knows what is inside of you. Nobody knows what you are capable of, and people make assumptions when they actually don’t even know you at all. Throughout the frustrations, irritations and barriers that are put up by an child with aspergers, we always believed in and respected him. It can be tough, because you think they are being lazy by barely trying, not being interested in the things that other people are, they seem too passive. However…

When an aspie gets obsessed with something, nobody is better at that thing than they are. Perhaps you think it’s something trivial that they’re interested in, but as long as it isn’t a violent or unhealthy thing, it’s good. Figure out what his obsessions are, and encourage them, especially if other people share those interests, because that’s a great way to have social contact. Magic cards, Dungeons and Dragons, board games, online gaming, there is a way to make that work for them. I used to think these things were a waste of time…spend more time on your schoolwork, sports, anything…but these are the obsessions that led my son to a very productive career. He is killing it now, staying socially active, loves his job in a gaming environment, making a ridiculous amount of money, and is on top of the world. When he figured out what motivated him, he became more knowledgeable and goal oriented than anyone I’ve ever seen.

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Cardinal Fang -OP here. Thank you for your post. You get it. And your point about best years is so true. Our son gets a little better every year but in society’s eyes, we are running out of time to catch up. There is no catching up with kids on the spectrum. Forward motion has always been our goal. We just have a hard time seeing the forest through the trees when things get argumentative as they are wont to do lately. Is it adolescence or is it Aspergers? Both. A double whammy.

Each post has been so helpful and I appreciate the time people are taking to reach out to me with their insights.

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@“Cardinal Fang” I hear you, and know you are right. In our case there’d been no sign of any spectrum or aspie tendencies, which is why his post-HS malaise was so surprising. It was a wake-up call that we’d been deceived by his mother; it took us time to understand there might be more going on than we knew. Our thoughts leaned toward clinical depression, and the situation went on for several years.

And when I said “forced him to get out of the house” I’m including getting out of the house for some help, guidance, training, or counseling if not work or school. I firmly believe we would not have ignored the situation and let him, essentially, rot on the couch and withdraw from the world.

Re “the best years of his life” I’m sorry for the way that sounded, I didn’t mean things would never improve. I just meant that he’d never be so free again to do what he wanted–no obligations at all and available resources at his disposal.

I have no experience with a young person on the spectrum, so I probably shouldn’t have chimed in. @plj210 it sounds like your son has great support at home, which is the best resource any young person can have. High school graduation may seem very far away to him now.

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I’ll add that ADHD kids are known to mature very slowly. That’s another reason to consider what some have suggested–a few years of a part-time job coupled with one or two community college classes. Then once the maturation process has hopefully proceeded, reconvene to consider the next step.