<p>So, I don’t really know where to start. I just want some thoughts or maybe just to let my own thoughts out.</p>
<p>I just graduated from college (an Ivy), and I have a full-time job and my own apartment. My issue is with my parents. I am by no means perfect, but I don’t drink or do drugs or sleep around (I am waiting for marriage actually as a personal (not religious) choice). I am just trying to say that I am not a really difficult person.
Anyways, my parents still insist on treaning me as if I am a high-school student even though I don’t live with them and completely support myself. There is a pattern of me calling or emailing them every day, which I really don’t like, and they always say I don’t have to, but at the same time I know they will be really upset if I don’t. I know there is nothing they can do, but I can’t get away from the guilty feeling. Also, if I don’t call, they always start thinking something happened to me and even asked for my friends number so they cn call her and ask her to check on me. They get angry and annoyed if I take the subway or am outside after 10:00. Now, I live in New York, but I live in a pretty good area, and I recognize the safety issues, but I want it to be my choice. I just always feel so bad abd guilty. I used to think in terms of every decision of what would my parents think and feel guilty if I didn’t do that, but I have gotten away from that…
I lie to them, which I am not proud of, but I just can’t face them. I have a boyfriend who I currently live with, and I’ve been dating him for years. Now, we have our issues, and I am not at all sure what the future will hold, but my parents don’t even know. My mom knew, but she bacame so negative about our issues that I couldn’t talk to her any more. Now, he is not perfect, but he is also not abusive or something like that, and I just want to make my own choice.
My mom told me even in the very beginning that my dad (who knows nothing at all not even that I have a boyfriend) would not approve of him because he is of a different race (now, my dad actually has friends of this race, but he thinks the culture differences would not work out in a marriage). I cannot imagine telling my parents that I want to marry him or even someone else of another race. In general, I am afraid to even think about bringing any potential fiance/boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s founded or not, but this is how I feel.
I just want to make my own decisions and not feel guilty for them. I mean, I am entirely self- supporting. I know though, I am too afraid to tell my parents things. I tried talking to them, but they get upset and say it’s all in my head. And I am just confused. I don’t know what I am looking for.</p>
<p>It’s very draining to be feeling guilty and to be hiding things from those we love.
Are you an only child? Do you have health insurance? Have you considered counseling? You say you are financially independent, but you’re obviously emotionally dependent on your parent’s approval to a point that is not healthy for you. I would consider counseling to help you find out what is important to YOU and to help your realize some of those goals. It sounds like you might be in danger of becoming depressed if you continue feeling like you do for too long.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with calling your parents everyday if it’s something you want to do, but it’s not the case, apparently. You might want to approach them and tell them you’d like to cut back on the phone calls (but it doesn’t mean you love them less) and perhaps call them two or three times a week. Think about how you might word this so as not to offend them, but it seems like cutting back would help you feel less dependent on them.</p>
<p>While it is quite un-common for most 22-year-olds to call their parents everyday, I do know a few adults that do this, just checking in, mostly saying “Hi, Ma” etc. Nothing wrong with it if YOU want to do it. But since it sounds like you feel pressured into doing it, then you should simply start skipping an occasional day without saying anything or making a big deal of it. </p>
<p>If they ask why you didn’t call, you can tell them the truth: I was busy, tired, out with friends, watching T.V. They will deal with it, believe me. It’s not really mean or hurtful to them. It looks like they need to be weaned away. They are doing whatever you are “letting” them.</p>
<p>As far as dating/marrying someone from another race, that issue is as old as the hills. You don’t want to hurt them, but you don’t need their approval to date/marry. Since your mom knows that you are dating a boy of another race, suggest to her that she should tell your dad. </p>
<p>You definitely need to cut the apron strings here ( but not the ties), for your own good.</p>
<p>I think you need to have an honest heart-to-heart discussion with your parents. You are a financially independent adult. It’s great to stay close to your family, and some families do talk daily on the phone, but most don’t. If it’s more than you’re comfortable with, then you need to let your parents know that, and let them know how often they can expect to call you & hear from you. A couple times a week should be more than enough.</p>
<p>I can understand parents worrying about their 22 year old daughter who lives alone (as far as they know) in NYC. But you are entering a new phase in your life, and there should be new and appropriate boundaries. You may have to set them yourself and explain to your parents why you’re setting them. Then you have to understand that you cannot control their reaction. You can only control yourself. If they want to be upset, that’s their decision. You can choose whether to let it bother you or not. I know, it’s a lot easier said than done!!!</p>
<p>I don’t think your current method of coping, lying to your parents (which you admit to in your post) is healthy in the long run. It’s probably making you feel guiltier, and if your relationship works out then your parents are going to find out eventually and probably feel pretty angry and betrayed that you lied to them. Best to be honest with them. Again, you’re a financially independent adult. You can’t control their reaction, you can only control your own feelings. </p>
<p>You say you’ve tried talking to them and they say it’s “all in your head”? I don’t understand that. You know your own life. I know it’s hard for parents to let go and realize that their child is an adult, but you are an adult now and they need to respect that. You can’t force them to respect it, but you can behave and speak with them as if you expect them to respect your adulthood. (Again, easier said than done! Welcome to the adult world!)</p>
<p>I think in some cultures it is very common for parents not born in the United States to have this kind of relationship with their children, and for the children, who are raised in the United States, to resent it. I wonder if this is the case with your family? I also think in some families it is common to check in once a day, depending on the relationship between the parents and children, no matter the age of the children. That they are still telling you what to do, and when to do it, is unusual to me, considering that you are completely on your own. The issue seems to be that you are uncomfortable with the way you are being treated and what is expected of you, but don’t want to confront your parents.</p>
<p>I understand very very much what you are going through. When I graduated from college, my parents – well, actually, my mother – had expectations. Of how I would live, what my work would be, whom I would date, and what our relationship (hers and mine) would be like. I didn’t want the same things for me that she expected, and it caused lots of strife. I didn’t know how to say no to her without it becoming a major confrontation. </p>
<p>I got into therapy, as someone earlier in this thread suggested. It took a long time but I was finally able to separate her expectations from what I wanted, and I was able to sometimes say no if it was important to me.</p>
<p>I was going to ask the same question about culture – is that an issue? In my culture people, esp daughters, only live on their own after marriage; my parents immigrated from such a country but I was born/raised here. So they think they are doing me a huge favor by giving me “permission” to live in nyc after school, even though it’s for a great job and only a few hundred miles away from where I grew up. Thus, they expected to hear from me every single day and if I didn’t call, they did. It was annoying because frankly, I’d rather talk three times a week for 20 min at a time when I really have stuff to tell you than endure a daily 5 min conversation in which I basically have to say ‘yeah i’m fine; weather’s fine; yes i ate dinner etc.’ I basically dealt with it by just stopping the calls and sometimes even being unavailable when they were calling. When they asked – as someone said – I had an excuse for why I wasn’t available and every chance I got, I complained about how ridiculous it is to talk every single day when there’s nothing to say. So now it’s been a few yrs and as expected, they’ve learned to deal. We’re still close, we still talk but I don’t feel like I have to check in each night. No advice on the bf issue – I commend you for doing what you want though – I see too many instances where people are held back from having the friends/bfs they want because of family reaction.</p>
<p>This is you, not them. You don’t need to feel guilty about living your life.</p>
<p>One technique for dealing with your parents: humor. My brother and I used to have a phrase to diffuse the overprotective nature of our parents. One time, shortly after I got my drivers license, my younger brother and I decided to drive to the mall alone for the first time. We told my dad, who gave us a litany of guidelines. Fishing for one last tidbit of parental wisdom, my dad closed with, “And… and… and… BE SURE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU LEAVE!!!”</p>
<p>We looked at him, looked at each other, looked at him, and then my brother and I doubled over in hysterics. While we tried to breathe, my dad realized how goofy he sounded telling this to his 16-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son who had been using public restrooms alone their whole lives, and, chastened a bit, chuckled along. We told the story to my mom later, who thought it was hilarious, too. Whenever they started to get clingy, we’d just good-naturedly say, “Yeah, yeah, and I’ll go to the bathroom before I leave, too,” and whichever parent was being clingy would sigh and remember that we were rapidly approaching adulthood. Even at 26, I still find the line to be occasionally useful.</p>
<p>Beyond that, the choices you make with your life aren’t up to your parents anymore. They have no direct control over you, other than the guilt they make you feel. That guilt is yours and yours alone, though… You can choose to not feel guilty anymore, and then you’ll be free to live your life as you choose (and it seems like you’re not making any terrible choices). You can also choose to continue feeling guilty, but it’s not your parents’ fault. A counselor would be able to help you with this… If you have the means, try to find someone to help you talk through this and find you some coping mechanisms.</p>
<p>I’m amazed that you are living with your boyfriend, your parents don’t know, and you are saving yourself for marriage. Sounds like a lot of tension all around. (I have absolutely no problem with waiting till marriage - but living together doesn’t sound like the easiest way to accomplish that.)</p>
<p>If my girl were on her own in NYC (as your parents believe you are), I would be checking up on her often, because I would be afraid no one would miss her if she didn’t get home safe, or whatever. Letting your parents know you have a roommate might ease their minds a bit. </p>
<p>I recommend you answer their emails briefly. “Hi, Mom! I’m fine. Busy though - I’ll call you later this week.” No details, no answers to questions. Set up a contact schedule they can be happy with. I really don’t blame them, wanting to know you’re safe. </p>
<p>Parents also have radar for secrets. It might be time to clear the air. If you are financially and socially independent, they can’t exactly demand that you come home. And if they do, you don’t have to obey.</p>
<p>So, I don’t really know where to start. I just want some thoughts or maybe just to let my own thoughts out.</p>
<p>I just graduated from college (an Ivy), and I have a full-time job and my own apartment. My issue is with my parents. I am by no means perfect, but I don’t drink or do drugs or sleep around (I am waiting for marriage actually as a personal (not religious) choice). I am just trying to say that I am not a really difficult person.
Anyways, my parents still insist on treating me as if I am a high-school student even though I don’t live with them and completely support myself. There is a pattern of me calling or emailing them every day, which I really don’t like, and they always say I don’t have to, but at the same time I know they will be really upset if I don’t. I know there is nothing they can do, but I can’t get away from the guilty feeling. Also, if I don’t call, they always start thinking something happened to me and even asked for my friends number so they can call her and ask her to check on me. They get angry and annoyed if I take the subway or am outside after 10:00. Now, I live in New York, but I live in a pretty good area, and I recognize the safety issues, but I want it to be my choice. I just always feel so bad and guilty. I used to think in terms of every decision of what would my parents think and feel guilty if I didn’t do that, but I have gotten away from that…
I lie to them, which I am not proud of, but I just can’t face them. I have a boyfriend who I currently live with, and I’ve been dating him for years. Now, we have our issues, and I am not at all sure what the future will hold, but my parents don’t even know. My mom knew, but she became so negative about our issues that I couldn’t talk to her any more. Now, he is not perfect, but he is also not abusive or something like that, and I just want to make my own choice.
My mom told me even in the very beginning that my dad (who knows nothing at all not even that I have a boyfriend) would not approve of him because he is of a different race (now, my dad actually has friends of this race, but he thinks the culture differences would not work out in a marriage). I cannot imagine telling my parents that I want to marry him or even someone else of another race. In general, I am afraid to even think about bringing any potential fiance/boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s founded or not, but this is how I feel.
I just want to make my own decisions and not feel guilty for them. I mean, I am entirely self- supporting. I know though, I am too afraid to tell my parents things. I tried talking to them, but they get upset and say it’s all in my head. And I am just confused. I don’t know what I am looking for.</p>
<p>I am in no way any kind of therapist, just to be clear. I do think, though, that you could benefit from talking these things out with someone. It sounds as though your parents, while not totally supportive of your life (the BF), do emotionally support you and want you to be happy. It sounds as though for the most part you are doing great things and are on your way to making a successful life. It can be very difficult, especially the first time being on your own in a new place, having to earn your own way and eke out your own life. But you are doing it! Living in NYC can be difficult. So the crux of the matter seems to be learning to trust yourself and believe that you can do it. Everyone needs help from time to time, and this may be one of those times for you. There are many places you can turn to for some help with these very real issues. Don’t think you are unusual, or that there is something wrong with you! It is normal to be worried, and it shows that you have a good relationship, all in all, with your folks, that you trust and want their approval. But you need to begin to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. Find someone who will listen to you and get this help which will be very productive for you.</p>
<p>Sooner or later you will address these issues with your parents. The question then becomes “HOW”. I’ve tried to have a very open channel of communication with our children, primarily so that I can be there for them in a meaningful way. Not all parents can handle the truth of their children’s lives but it’s very hard to be a support to them if communication is staged or inauthentic.</p>
<p>My advice is to try being authentic on issues that don’t immediately result in conflict. Start with some of the easy realities and build from there. They may be resistant to change but some gentle boundary setting seems entirely in order for starters.</p>
<p>Growing up isn’t just for children; it’s for parents, too. I would consider a parent insisting on daily contact with self-supporting, living-elsewhere, normal adult offspring to be in need of growing up.</p>
<p>So, you may have to lead the way here, to help them grow up, but you can’t do that until you take responsibility for your actions and grow up more yourself. They don’t insist that you contact them everyday.
</p>
<p>So stop contacting them every day. You can let them know beforehand if you’d like (“Mom and Dad, the daily contact is too much; I’ll contact you two-three times a week.”), and then once you are used to that – and they are, too – you can reduce the frequency.</p>
<p>You’ve made a decision to live with a boyfriend. So, own that decision. Your parents don’t have to like it, but they don’t even have the opportunity to like or not like it. If you want to be treated as an adult, act like one, and one way to do that is to own your decision to live with the boyfriend. Doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything, of course; adults don’t parade their lives in front of everyone, but geez, if you have any respect for your boyfriend, you won’t lie about him, right?</p>
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<p>How would they know whether you take the subway or are outside after 10:00?</p>
<p>“I’m amazed that you are living with your boyfriend, your parents don’t know, and you are saving yourself for marriage. Sounds like a lot of tension all around. (I have absolutely no problem with waiting till marriage - but living together doesn’t sound like the easiest way to accomplish that.)”</p>
<p>Actually, waiting for marriage isn’t the hard part. As I mentioned, we have been together a while, and we lived right next to each other in college. He has never pressured me, and this is what we both want to do.</p>
<p>As for my parents not knowing, yeah, I have had to make excuses for them not coming to stay overnight with me and me going to their house instead.</p>
<p>chocoholic – unless I warn them that I am not going to call, I can’t skip a day, or they may just end up showing up at my apartment (they said that themselves – I don’t really know if they were kidding).</p>
<p>Lafalum84 – when they say it’s “in my head” they mean that I am wrong about how they would react. For example, they always say, oh you don’t have to call, but earlier this year when sometimes I would just “forget” or be too busy to call, my mom brought this up (later) saying how I don’t need them except to pay my tuition because I “forget” to call.</p>
<p>My parents are not from the U.S., they are from Europe, but that was not at all the pattern with them and thier families. If anything, their parents were the opposite of mine (as far as I can tell). Now, when I pointed that out to my mom the other day, she said that the times were different.</p>
<p>VeryHappy – you described pretty much EXACTLY how I feel.</p>
<p>And you know, I completely agree that I need to bring things out in the open, separate myself and just confront the issues. See, my brain knows that that’s what I have to do, but I just can’t do it. I know it may sound ridiculous to feel that way, but I am so scared of my parents. Again, I don’t know why. Again, I know it’s ridiculous coming from a person who is supposed to be an adult, but nothing scares me as much as my parents being mad at me. I think maybe talking to a therapist would be best, and in response to the question about health insurance, yes, I am covered through my work.</p>
<p>Maybe you should just get it over with and screw up! Finding out that the world didn’t explode when my parents didn’t approve of something that I’d done was very therapeutic for me.</p>
<p>A counselor will be able to help you a lot. Please go find someone to talk to!</p>
<p>aibarr, I have definitely screwed up. I am by no means perfect, but my parents either don’t know, or when they did (even if it was not a huge thing), it made me feel so bad that I don’t want to repeat the experience. I realize that the problem is on my end. I really don’t know how I got to this point, because, again, my rational side realizes just how ridiculous this all is.</p>
<p>To answer a previous question, yes, I am an only child. I really wish there was another child that my parents could focus on.</p>
<p>In college, it has gotten worse. My dad very often (probably at least once every break) tells me how disappointed he is in my character as opposed to how I was in high school. He says that all my new opinions (that I didn’t have in high school and he disagrees with) are just a product of my friends/environment. A lot of things that I say both my mom and dad say that I just copy from other people, and that makes me so mad that they can’t possibly see that it’s something that is my own opinion. Ridiculously enough, a lot of times it may be something I don’t agree with my friends on.</p>
<p>I realize that I probably have a part in this, because a lot of times I have not been happy on vacations (because of various things), and it frustrates my parents. I know I am a lot more irratable with them too, but I just wish they would let me be.</p>
<p>I have told them that I just wish they would accept me for who I am not for some person that they think I was or should have been. They don’t listen.</p>
<p>Justoutofcollege - Living in NYC is very expensive. (Or am I misunderstanding where you live?) We have had to cosign our S’s apartment. In fact, our income wasn’t enough - his roommate’s parents also had to co-sign.</p>
<p>Have your parents had to do that or are you really making that much as a new grad? </p>
<p>Is your boyfriend sharing rent legally - on the lease? If so, how did you hide that? If not, what do you have in place to keep from being taken advantage of?</p>
<p>I don’t mean to play parents’ advocate - but I guess as a parent, that comes naturally. You are a girl, on her own in a big, scary city, keeping secrets from your parents, and cohabiting in a confusing, cross-cultural relationship that you have to sneak around about. You are freshly minted into adulthood, and so far are making some questionable decisions. What’s not to worry about?</p>
<p>If you are truly independent, you don’t have to answer to anyone. If your parents show up on your doorstep, and your boyfriend is a legal resident, he gets a say in whether they come in! If your parents are holding the lease, then they legally have a right to decide who stays there. (Works both ways.)</p>
<p>There are lots of folks here all saying the same thing! Talk to your parents! Get outside help if necessary.</p>