Last Summer Together a Disaster...Why?

Parent Cafe
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<p>but in this study these people are taking a control, monitored, “safe” version of the drug…there is a lot of garbage on line, on the street, etc that kids are ingesting with who knows what really in the drug…</p>

<p>when a parent sees different or escalated behavior in a child, we NEED to think about all posibilities, look at signs- whether its drinking, drugs, steriods, or just stress, friend problems, or gamblng, anger management issues, or just being a typical teen going through a phase</p>

<p>studies are great, but if a teen gets stuff off the street, who knows…with an epidemic of speed, meth, out there, and in the most unlikely places, when a person has extreme changes in behavior, its important for a parent to watch and pay attention</p>

<p>The warning signs of steroid use include: ( and this is the "clean’ steroids)</p>

<p>Increased irritability and aggression and other behavioral changes, such as euphoria, increased energy, sexual arousal, mood swings, distractibility, forgetfulness, confusion and depression
In males, shrinking of the testicles, difficulty or pain in urinating, baldness and breast enlargement
In females, development of masculine characteristics, such as decreased body fat and breast size, deepening of the voice, excessive growth of body hair and loss of scalp hair
Severe acne and stunting of bone growth
Jaundice (yellowing of the whites of the eyes), fluid retention, high blood pressure, increases in LDL (bad cholesterol) and decreases in HDL (good cholesterol)
Signs of Steroid Use
Quick weight and muscle gains (when used in a weight training program)
Aggressiveness and combativeness
Jaundice
Purple or red spots on the body
Swelling of feet and lower legs
Trembling
Unexplained darkening of the skin
Persistent unpleasant breath odor
Severe acne breakouts and oily skin</p>

<p>my point is, those studies are controlled, while teens or young adults may not be so careful about dosage or content of the drug they are ingesting</p>

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<p>

I agree. We have no idea what’s going on with this family other than a few comments from the OP that may or may not be the whole story.</p>

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<p>“but in this study these people are taking a control, monitored, “safe” version of the drug…there is a lot of garbage on line, on the street, etc that kids are ingesting with who knows what really in the drug…”</p>

<p>When people get bad steroids, generally they do nothing. It not really like crack where drug dealers just fill it up with a bunch of chemicals, they’re generally just bogus pills, or vials of oil, etc.</p>

<p>“when a parent sees different or escalated behavior in a child, we NEED to think about all posibilities, look at signs- whether its drinking, drugs, steriods, or just stress, friend problems, or gamblng, anger management issues, or just being a typical teen going through a phase”</p>

<p>True, the parents should look at everything; I disagree with the extent to which people on the forum are.</p>

<p>“studies are great, but if a teen gets stuff off the street, who knows…with an epidemic of speed, meth, out there, and in the most unlikely places, when a person has extreme changes in behavior, its important for a parent to watch and pay attention”</p>

<p>"The warning signs of steroid use include: ( and this is the "clean’ steroids)</p>

<p>Increased irritability and aggression and other behavioral changes, such as euphoria, increased energy, sexual arousal, mood swings, distractibility, forgetfulness, confusion and depression
In males, shrinking of the testicles, difficulty or pain in urinating, baldness and breast enlargement
In females, development of masculine characteristics, such as decreased body fat and breast size, deepening of the voice, excessive growth of body hair and loss of scalp hair
Severe acne and stunting of bone growth
Jaundice (yellowing of the whites of the eyes), fluid retention, high blood pressure, increases in LDL (bad cholesterol) and decreases in HDL (good cholesterol)
Signs of Steroid Use
Quick weight and muscle gains (when used in a weight training program)
Aggressiveness and combativeness
Jaundice
Purple or red spots on the body
Swelling of feet and lower legs
Trembling
Unexplained darkening of the skin
Persistent unpleasant breath odor
Severe acne breakouts and oily skin</p>

<p>my point is, those studies are controlled, while teens or young adults may not be so careful about dosage or content of the drug they are ingesting"</p>

<p>A lot of these symptoms were found in case studies, not controlled studies. Also, many of the controlled studies were poorly designed, and just recently addressed; the study I cited is one of these cases. Also remember it was just recently confirmed in studies that steroids are effective at building muscle and increasing strength… so it can be inferred that studies on steroids have a long way to go. Anyway, this is all getting pretty off topic.</p>

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<p>I often have a house full of 17 and 18 year old boys and girls. 98% of them are delightful and well-mannered. They usually stop in to say goodbye and “Thanks for having me!” My own sons, ages 17 and 20, are not delightful 24/7 but they are respectful, appreciative and full of affection for both H and me. We do have our spats but it would be rare for sour moods to continue longer than 24 hours. We all love each other too much.</p>

<p>I sometimes host kids who seem to be missing an ‘appreciation chip’. Frankly, cgm, my feeling is that those children have been poorly instructed at home and have seen their parents treat each other disrespectfully for years and years. As I wrote in earlier posts, mental illness is another factor. Kids who struggle with mental illness do NOT read social cues correctly. Their ‘appreciation chip’ is lliterally missing.</p>

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<p>Ater reading numerous of the thread starting with Sage44, I am feeling really depressed now.
My only child, a son, will be a senior this fall. Everything about college research/application is like pulling teeth. It is such a fine line between being too pushy and letting him procrastinate and not getting anything done. I have tried so hard to employ a laid back approach.<br>
We have looked at a handful of colleges the past spring but nothing yet this summer. Due to financial restrain we will probably not be able to visit more than 2 or 3 more withing driving distance from our home.
So far my DS has done nothing towards college application. Not even look online to research colleges. And he does not want to re-take any of the standadized Tests to improve his scores.<br>
What should I do? And after reading the posts in this thread, is that what I have to look forward to next summer?<br>
I was hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel after this December.</p>

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<p>foggy, Trust me, it isn’t that bad. I had a thread last year about my older son leaving and the somewhat upsetting time we had, but it was only due to him being worried about what was to come and me worrying about what I was about to lose. We were able to talk it out and ended up closer than we had been before. Keep your mind and heart open to changes and be ready to listen when he is ready to open up. </p>

<p>As to this year, my advice is to calmly tell him his options and then leave it up to him. His friends are all going through the same thing now and they will probably begin spurring each other along. Now that school is starting, he is likely to begin hearing of others’ college plans and what they are doing to achieve them. He will probably (hopefully) get on the stick pretty soon! If not, you might talk to his counselor at school (if you have some relationship with him/her) or a teacher your child respects. Sometimes it helps to have another adult point things out. You know they are so much smarter than we are :wink: (according to our kids).</p>

<p>Good luck!! :slight_smile: Just know that most kids on CC are not representative of kids in general. Your son is not the lone ranger in procrastination!!</p>

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<p>Sage44~</p>

<p>My son became increasingly difficult before he left 14 days ago. I ask him why the sudden change and he said because he wanted to make it easier for me not to miss him. Strange way of thinking but I believe many kids think that. </p>

<p>He has now been in Lubbock for two weeks and is working as a student assistant with the football team. I got an email from him today and he said he is really busy and isn’t homesick at all. Isn’t that what we really want from our kids. To go to a good school, fit right in, love it, and be really successful? I think my S is off to a great start.</p>

<p>Trust me, the last 14 days have been difficult for me as he is my only child, but I will survive. Good luck to you. I promise, once your child leaves he will be calling or emailing you telling you how much he misses you and loves you, but how much fun he is having also.</p>

<p>TexasTechMom</p>

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<p>foggy,
I smiled as I read your post - it described my son last summer - totally uninterested in the process & very much a procrastinator. At the first college we toured last summer he actually fell asleep during the presentation by the admissions officer! (And that was at a school he said he was interested in attending) I was aghast - there were only a handful of people in the room. I spent the entire presentation trying to keep him awake and trying not to draw any attention to the fact he has nodding off or that I was poking him. I thought he was the king of procastinators during the application process…I think all his applications were finished the night they were due(which meant dealing with a server at one school that crashed so the application couldn’t be completed until after the midnight deadline- ahh!)…thank goodness he did want to apply early to a couple of schools and was accepted in the early round so I didn’t have to continuing pushing after early December. This summer the procrastination has continued - no summer job in spite of the fact he was suppose to earn $1500 during the summer(he lucked out since he found between graduation gifts & some money tucked away in a savings account we’d sort of forgotten about he has the money). I have spent the summer nudging him to write those thank you notes, get a job(Ha) and start planning what he’s going to need at college in Sept. His plan: figure it all out the Saturday before we leave. I’ve started thinking its just that we live in different time zones even though we’re under the same roof. In his time zone, nothing has to be done until the minute its due. I’m just hoping he doesn’t view his classwork the same way in the fall. He’s going to a school with a killer reputation for hard work & lots of it. But I won’t be there to watch.</p>

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<p>Hi!</p>

<p>I wanted to check in, first to thank everyone who posted their observations, suggestions, and experiences. I found each one to be thoughtful and encouraging. I wanted to wait to post this response until we had passed through the entire summer experience so that it would seem more complete, and so I would have passed through the entire season of feelings and emotions that accompany this process.</p>

<p>To bring you up-to-date….</p>

<p>As the summer progressed, my DS continued in complete denial that he needed to make decisions and gather his belongings together for the upcoming fall term. While he is an athlete, he is definitely not on steroids…but thanks for the warning. DS has been working with a home-based counselor for most of this year to help alleviate his anxiety and move him forward with confidence. Believe it or not, that has helped. The counselor believes that moving away to college and being forced to live my physically and emotionally independent of us will help. The counselor believes that the majority of the behavior issues we have seen have been on off-shoot of the extreme discomfort and anxiety he feels as he anticipates moving out more on his own. The counselor believes that DS is a healthy, well-balanced, but extremely fearful and anxious young man, who over time and in a relatively controlled (safeguarded) environment should do just fine. Our mutual expectations for DS is that he tough it out for a year or so, trying to do the best he can to survive on his own without any particular hope of a certain outcome. The counselor will be in regular contact with DS (phone, email, IM, in person) to be a familiar lifeline for him. DS will also be part of a proactive student academic support program.</p>

<p>As the summer progressed, DS became more frantic about seeing and being with his friends. Even though he was behind, <em>way</em> behind, in his college preparations, we decided to accommodate this heavy bonding as a stress reliever and as a way to deal with the frustration and anxiety. As the final weeks at home came and went, we experienced an exquisite poignancy in our interactions. With the realization on both sides that the end of this time of our lives was nearing, our interactions became more emotional and more elaborately ritualistic…each day, each talk, and each increasingly frequent hug becoming a deep expression and hope, sorrow, and love. While the anger was still there, it seemed to diminish as the resignation to the outcome and the futility of the nature of our current actions took the driver’s seat in our dealings with each other.</p>

<p>We drove our DS at school yesterday. We were all exhausted. We had stayed up past 4:30am to finish packing (again, a byproduct of the denial and procrastination that earmarked this past summer). Once we arrived on campus, there was a significant delay checking in. DS, who had earlier in the week admitted that he was “overwhelmed”, tried to be fairly outgoing to find and engage fellow freshmen he had met on the Internet or upon arriving on campus. He seemed really paralyzed and anxious though…and I’m sure other students felt that vibe (hopefully it won’t hurt his making good friends and fitting in socially…because he really is a great and caring person). Rather than leave him in his hot dorm room (the A/C we brought didn’t seem to cool the place down enough…and there were BTU size restrictions so that was the best we could do), with mounds of stuff to unpack, and feeling lost and under the weather (in his last days at home, DS picked up a cold), Dad and I set about settling him in so that he would have time for all the required orientation activities (we thought there were way too many for move-in day). The way the orientation was planned, there was really no time just to be together…and this hurt DS the most. Out of justifiable necessity, we were forced to stay beyond the “good-bye” deadline set by the college. As DS was rushing from one required activity to another, he realized that Dad and I would be leaving before he returned. You could tell he was hoping we could stay a bit, but then realized we could not. His eyes filled with tears (and this is the child who <em>never</em> displays such emotions) and he rushed into my arms sobbing. It was obvious that he was not relishing this college experience one bit. I held my melting DS and tried to find the words to comfort him and give him the courage to face this new challenge. In spite of the terrible summer we were just completing, I dug deep into my heart and told him how much his father and I loved him, how proud we were of him, how we understood that this had been a very difficult summer for him, and that we knew that he was very capable of stepping out on his own. I told him there would be periods of discomfort and uncertainty, but that he would soon gain the ability to be comfortable in his discomfort. I told him that there were many people there to support him, and that he needed to reach out to them, and that his dad and I would always be there for him anytime day or night. Unfortunately, he was so overwhelmed with all the details of managing a life that I’m not sure he heard all of my words. Then my husband and son hugged and more tears all around. Then, DS came back to me and there were more hugs and tears all around. And, we said our good-byes and we watched each other fade into the distance as DS joined his comrades for another round of meetings.</p>

<p>As DH and I drove away we felt like we had just, in the most inhumane manner, dropped off a beloved family pet (and please excuse the awkwardness of this analogy) to be euthanized. And that that poor beast just looked at us with the saddest of eyes as if to ask why. This was the heartbreaking part for us. We expected that we would be shedding tears because we missed the part that our son would play in our lives, but we found ourselves shedding tears because we felt that we were being disloyal to him and hurting him. We waxed philosophical for quite some time on the journey home, reassuring ourselves that this was a necessary step to manhood for him, and that we had done the right thing. Later when we arrived home, as we had promised, we called our son. While his voice was still a little tentative, it appeared that in our absence he had tried to move forward by setting up his computer and “nesting” a bit. We slept fitfully and have awoken to face our new challenge.</p>

<p>Thanks, again, to everyone who took the time to read this very long thread and to give their heartfelt comments. Each one was and is much appreciated.</p>

<p>Good luck to each of you as you make your own homespun journeys.</p>

<p>Love, Sage</p>

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<p>Sage, I am sobbing after reading your entry. My heart goes out to you all. I will have a little more understanding today for my son…who has been spending the last few weeks of his summer sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I have found him just going to bed at 5:30 a.m. I joke that we are living in different time zones. Yesterday I became extremely frustrated with him “how are you ever going to manage college”. After reading about your journey with your son, I have a new understanding of how overwhelmed my son might be feeling. I also think my son may just be separating from me by living in this different time zone.<br>
I’m glad your son has support. I wish I could find better words this morning to express what I’m feeling… Hugs to you all.</p>

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<p>Sage,
Thank you for the update. It sounds like you and your husband handled things very well, and it also is wonderful that your son and you all are getting such support from the counselor.</p>

<p>“As DH and I drove away we felt like we had just, in the most inhumane manner, dropped off a beloved family pet (and please excuse the awkwardness of this analogy) to be euthanized.”</p>

<p>I imagine that after the recent deaths in your family, bringing a child to college can seem in a way like another death or journey toward death. However, I also imagine that when you really think about it, what you’re doing is connecting your son to a vibrant life. It would be more like euthanasia for you and your husband to be supporting your son in staying home and hiding out from the world. </p>

<p>"He seemed really paralyzed and anxious though…and I’m sure other students felt that vibe (hopefully it won’t hurt his making good friends and fitting in socially…because he really is a great and caring person). "</p>

<p>Please trust me that other students – no matter how confident appearing – are dealing so much with their own separation issues that they wouldn’t have time to come to firm conclusions about how any other student is acting. Going away to college is a big step for everyone, even those who seem comfortable and gregarious.</p>

<p>I think it’s good that your son was so in touch with his feelings that he was crying. Seems that’s what he had been keeping bottled up all summer, and that’s why he had directed so much hostility toward you. His showing such emotion sounds like a healthy start to his college experience because he’s now in touch with his feelings and therefore can take the steps to address them.</p>

<p>His finishing packing at 4:30 a.m. sounds early to me. I remember finishing my packing just in time to leave and barely make it to orientation in time. Even as an adult, I am up all night packing for trips. I get very anxious, obsess that I’ll forget things, and always end up finishing right in time to leave. My older S, 18, may end up being the first in the family to break this habit because when he flew off to a volunteer orientation this week, he finished packing at about 1 .a.m the day of an 8 a.m. plane. That was very early for us. He has flown off on his own several times, and this was the absolutely first time that he wasn’t packing up to the very last second that we needed to leave for him to catch his plane. So, your S is very normal, and there’s hope that after a while, he’ll get more organized.</p>

<p>Many hugs to you! I hope you’re doing something now to reward yourself for having had a stressful summer and for having launched your S despite all of the stress you’ve been through. Might be time for a nice dinner out or a facial, manicure or massage at a spa. Even get yourself a nice bouquet of flowers. Even if you’re broke, please find a way to pamper yourself. You deserve it.</p>

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<p>Wow, Sage, I wish the best to you and your son. Your post reawoke the feelings I felt last year when we went through the college-separation anxiety issues. The first couple of days I know my son felt adrift and abandoned, but he eventually headed out on his own and made some connections, and the next thing I knew, he had begun a new life in a new environment with friends that I may never meet. I hope your son’s adjustment starts soon and that he finds happiness at his new school. :)</p>

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<p>Dear Sage - Thanks for letting us know how things went as you dropped off your son. My heart goes out to you and your husband and son as you go through this change. Our family is doing the same in a few weeks, and I have my days of crying already, as we experience the “last” of some things together, at least for now. It’s a big change in everyone’s life, and it sounds like you’ve done the best you can for him and yourself. I hope my son also finds his confidence in himself on his new campus, and can cope with the new independence, and that mom and dad manage well through all this, too.</p>

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<p>Sage - don’t worry if your son didn’t hear your words. He felt your presence. The greatest gift IMO is being able to ask when necessary and having those you love be able to give. He asked. You gave. Good luck in these next few months and remember it can take several months for kids to settle in and feel good in their new environment. So listen, be there if he’s sad, but remember how you learned to say yes honey, i know honey, when he was a little boy sobbing because his potato chip broke. Find your own balance of support and gentle discounting of life’s difficulties.</p>

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<p>Sage,
I too am sitting here crying after reading your post. Our son last year begged us not to leave, and also teared up (which really shook me coming from the 6’3" tough macho type that he is). I wish the best for your son and for you and your husband. Beginning this soph. year, we have had a similar experience–though not as intense as last year. He said he looked forward to returning, but once the day came he confessed that he would rather not be there. I am so glad your son found a counselor that he is comfortable with–that will be a tremendous support.</p>

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<p>I too teared up reading your heartfelt story. Our D’s dropoff, six years ago, was much like that. We too ended up staying too late because there were various technical/organizational issues. Also, she was the first of her friends to leave, and was frantic to get her computer set up (which needed extensive help from Dad) so she could communicate with them. She has always been difficult with transition (at almost 24, she still is.), and was in tears, and angry, when we left.</p>

<p>We did this twice with her, because she ended up tranfering (not because of the adjustment issues, so please don’t think I’m suggesting that’s in the future.) The second time around, though it was obvious she was at the perfect school, she was just as cranky and teary as the first time. She ended up very, very happy there. She just never did transition at all well.</p>

<p>It sounds like you said and did all the right things, and you’ve given your son a loving foundation to launch from. keep your ears open just in case, and be a more supportive, positive voice when he calls.</p>

<p>And hugs to you!</p>

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<p>Sage, when you talk to your son, be sure to be upbeat about his campus experiences…do not dwell on any bad experiences, but help him to brainstorm ideas to make things better. Be sure to ask what positive things are happening on campus…Let him know that you are there, but also let him know that you are embracing your new life (starting a hobby, a class etc…). He will be more likely to enjoy his new campus lifestyle if he is confident that you are not sitting at home worrying about him…</p>

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<p>Oaklandmom -</p>

<p>Thanks for your comments. Your son’s late sleep schedule is nearly identical to that of my son during this past summer. Our counselor said that anxiety produces adrenaline, which inhibits sleep…so our DSs stay up until weariness overcomes adrenaline, and they literally pass out into slumber. While I didn’t like the pattern very much, I tried to let DS sleep in a bit, but not much past midday.</p>

<p>My best wishes to your family. While drop-off day was difficult all around, it seems that my son still wants to stay in touch as much as we do, but we’re holding back a little bit…to give him space to find himself and figure it out. While I am grateful for the peace, I initially really lost it and would randomly dissolve into tears…I didn’t like the way that felt (it’s not like my DS died or had some terrible illness), so I just decided to stop that behavior as being non-productive. Now, I seem to be just a tad hollow, like the wind has been kicked out of me. I really try not to dwell on what’s occurred. As bizarre as this may sound, I think I’m reacting the same way I did when our beloved family dog died last spring. I guess I couldn’t face up to it again and again and again, because it was just too painful, so I tried to distance myself from the feelings and allow time to dull the sensation somewhat. It’s not like I love dear doggie or DS any less, but I can’t keep flinging myself against the wall anymore. I’m just too worn out. Plus, I want to have my wits about me enough to actually experience the transition and my son’s reaction to it.</p>

<p>Actually, now my son’s enjoying college life quite a bit better (though with the lifeline to mom and dad). I knew that once he got settled and made some friends, it would be better. While this new social situation isn’t as warm and comfy as home, it will soon be (if I remember correctly from my own experiences many years ago). I have to admit that I miss the immediacy of sharing his new and exciting experiences, but I hope that he’ll relay some of these when we next have a quiet moment together. It’s the sharing I miss the most and the times we did things together (we always were close and had the same interests pretty much) and the hugs and just the rattling around the house (which has now become s-o-o-o-o quiet). But, it does get better because we love them and we rejoice in all that makes them happy.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you. Sage</p>

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<p>Northstarmom -</p>

<p>Thanks for your comments. I couldn’t agree more that it would have been more lethal to encourage son to stay home and really curtail his future. However, for that instant all your protective parental instincts surge to suround an emotionally wounded son. For an instant you want to shield your child, but then you realize that to toughen them is to ultimately shield them.</p>

<p>I’m glad to see that my DS wasn’t the only one to run things right up to the last possible second. I know in my heart that I couldn’t live that way – at least at my advanced age :O).</p>

<p>And hubby and I took a respite not by having dinner out at a fancy restaurant or taking in a concert, play, or move…instead, we wearily drove to a local spot for berry smoothies. A fitting, if simply way to toast the new chapter in our lives.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you. Sage</p>

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<p>Ag54 -</p>

<p>Thanks for your words of wisdom…they have already begun to come true. Bless you. Sage</p>