Last Summer Together a Disaster...Why?

Parent Cafe
161

<p>

</p>

<p>Or maybe you just have someone who’s generally sane and possibly even not using steroids (seriously, to the people who continue to bring up the steroids, look at the study cited by a previous poster that debunks “roid rage”) but just stressed out and perhaps even upset about preparing to leave home and go off to a more uncertain environment.</p>

<p>Maybe many posters are saying “its just a transition” because in 95% of cases it might be true. Perhaps for the original poster, or for another specific situation, there are deeper issues. But in the vast majority of cases, there are several weeks left until college at this point, and the only thing “taking a stand” and “calling them” on certain behavior is going to do is make things far more unpleasant for everyone involved.</p>

<p>It is not fair to compare the original poster’s situation to other leaving for college situations, either. The original poster has many other issues that may be causing even more stress and strain – for example illness. The entire family might get something out of counseling. Seriously, it sounds like a situation that would be hard for anyone to deal with without having someone who is not personally involved to talk to about things.</p>

<p>Leaving home and going off to college is obviously different for everyone, but it has an emotional impact for everyone, and I feel truly sorry for any kids that have to go through it with parents who share citygirlsmom’s opinions and perspectives. Being in that situation must make things far worse than they have to be.</p>

162

<p>Wow, reading parts of this thread, I feel for the OP. But I think most kids are like this when they’re about to go to college. Northstarmom told me about this in 2004 when my son went off. Our family was ok, my son clung a little while in first semester of college, he wasn’t nasty, though. The next semester and the next one after that was tough on us and on him. He sort of broke free. He wouldn’t call, he would call only for money (at least from our pov). Now that he’s about to be a junior, he is so sweet again…he calls often, he comes to visit me at my office in NYC. Anyway, my point is, I think many kids go through this phase. I haven’t read the entire thread.</p>

163

<p>gee, lets see, I am talking solely about the awful 5% who are just being mean because now they think they can</p>

<p>and what in the WORLD is wrong with calling a person on them having bad behavior,why not? Are they too fragile to hear thet they are being jerks?</p>

<p>if you have a teenager and they are being mean, to either a sibling or parent, or anyone, do you just let then continue being mean, or do you say cut it out?</p>

<p>I am not mean, or a bad parent, I am just suprised that some people think its okay to be mean, snotty, rude, cold, callous, to anybody </p>

<p>But maybe I just think kindness, manners, respect, and boundaries are important and that adults should be able to tell when they have gone to far and if some one tells them, hey, you have gone to far to be able to handle hearing that news</p>

<p>Interesting all the defense of rude mean people, find that fascinating that bad behavior should be ignored because it is normal</p>

<p>kind of sad indeed</p>

<p>Once again david, i am talking about the extreme cases, not the regualr kind of stuff, but if you don’t think anyone can have rude extreme behavior, get out a bit more</p>

164

<p>i think that this is a stressful time of year for everyone. however, i don’t think it calls for parents and/or children to be unkind to each other. maybe we need to give each other a little more space when what we really want to do is hug our kids and never let go. however hard it is, we must respect that they need to be independent. that being said, it is not ok for children to be rude. they can kindly set limits. they can indicate that enough is enough without being mean! </p>

<p>two or three weeks ago at a photo shoot for an area all-star team, both my son and i were shocked at how rudely a kid spoke to his parents. they asked a simple question and he was way out of line with his words, gestures, and eye contact. i am pretty sure that if my son had spoken to me that way (even if we were in public) it would not have been tolerated.</p>

165

<p>Citygirlsmom,</p>

<p>What surprises me the most about your extensive comments is how willing you are to believe everything negative the OP has said about her son, without considering whether it is true or fair or understandable. I suspect the OP is under considerable (and understandable) stress and could also be venting a bit. We all do it when we talk to friends about something that bothers us, and in a sense CC is a forum for friends to discuss topics of mutual interest. We haven’t heard the son’s side of the story and it might paint a different picture. Your willingness to label the OP’s son as part of what you call the jerks, the awful 5%, and worse - without ever hearing a word from him - is troubling.</p>

166

<p>Citygirlsmom: I don’t get it. She wants to just cut him off, no money sort of good luck and good bye and now she admits he might have real problems.</p>

<p>If he has real problems he needs help and understanding.</p>

<p>If he’s in a transition phase he needs the understanding of helpful parents.</p>

<p>Either way, I just do not get Citygirlsmom. </p>

<p>A medal for attending my recitals and games? As far as I know my parents liked that stuff and if they have completely fooled us all and they really did not like them, then don’t think they post that anywhere. Do her kids read her postings? Do they know what she’s posting? That would make me so mad and sad and sort of confused if I found that out about my parents. It would change us. I would feel and think about them in a not trusting way- not total lack of trust but not total trust either. They would be fakes and I don’t think that now. I don’t think they’re fakes. And the Mom of the boy with problems, is she really taking this advice?</p>

167

<p>So, this summer I have been working at my dad’s law firm. I can really see how hard it was for him to take off to come to my things. But he did. My Mom’s a judge and I KNOW it was hard for her to take off but she did. I asked them at supper if they secretly hated that they HAD to come to my stuff. They looked kind of hurt but the long and short of it is that they thought taking off and coming to my stuff was a privilege and they loved it. It would have been so easy for them to say they were too busy and I know sometimes they were and they could not alwasy come. I don’t get citygirlsmom. She thought she desrved a medal and what did she have to cancel? Posting. My dad says some of the posters here get paid, maybe she gets paid but I don’t think so. Now I’m looking at all these posters and wondering who’s getting paid and how many names they have. </p>

<p>Whew. It’s kind of like finding out there is no Santa Clause. And who uses Roger Dooley and do you get a discount if you post for him.</p>

168

<p>I hear ya, NPNG! :)</p>

169

<p>I wonder if citygirlsmom is going to be one of those insane parents who requires their child to call them every night from college, ESPECIALLY Friday and Saturday…</p>

170

<p>^ under threat of estrangment, no less :confused: </p>

<p>After all, she does deserve a prize for taking care of her children for 18 years, right?</p>

171

<p>I am the OP. When I wrote my original post, I hoped to solicit all viewpoints so that I could gain a broad perspective of what goes on during the “last summer.” I want to absorb all that has been written, then comment further. However, what I don’t want to see is for posters to “pile on” and be disrespectful of other posters. While everyone might not agree as to interpretation and approach, I believe that everyone on this thread should show and be shown respect. I see this rule breaking down. Please, let’s play nice.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

172

<p>Wow, please play nice???</p>

<p>I don’t know, maybe that’s why your kid has problems.</p>

<p>Just a little too controlling for me. Just a little to vague. Just a little to condescending. Good luck.</p>

173

<p>It occurred to me I forgot to mention one of my all-time favorite books (as the mother of two sons): <em>The Courage to Raise Good Men</em> (subtitled <em>You don’t have to sever the bond with your son to help him become a man</em>) by Olga Silverstein (copyright 1994, Penguin Books).</p>

<p>Her thesis is that women have been wrongly advised over the years to put emotional distance between themselves and their sons when they enter their teenage years. She believes that it is imperative that mothers work at keeping their original close bonds with their sons, despite the fact that forces in society seem to imply that their sons will become “mama’s boys” if they do so. There is a chapter entitled “Leaving Home: The Young Man’s Right of Passage” which uses clinical cases in her family therapy practice to illustrate how stressful this time can be for young men. </p>

<p>The book can help in deciding if the stress experienced in the family is of a kind that may need counselling.</p>

<p>I think many posters (especially the younger ones) fear that CGM’s advice that you should perhaps break the tie with your son is exactly the wrong advice. Actually, they are absolutely correct, according to this book. I would urge you to seek it out; I truly think you may find it helpful. I just love it.</p>

174

<p>Do you know what my Mom does for a living? She puts people in jail. And she says most of those people have bad or no relationships with their parents. It’s either all or nothing for them. They completely want to control their kids lives and that leads to a break or they just don’t care and that leads to a break. they have ideas about their kids lives that really only the kid should have. </p>

<p>anyway, she puts people in jail and we think in our family that she is ultra smart. my dad went to the ivy league but we still go to mom for homework.</p>

<p>i don;'t know what that means. guess i’m getting my forums mixed up.</p>

<p>my parents don’t tell us everylittle thing to do. but when we go to them they help. they don’t butt in either and tell us how to act with our friends. if we are having a problem we go to them. dad for somethings and mom for homework … always.</p>

175

<p>“Citygirlsmom: I don’t get it. She wants to just cut him off, no money sort of good luck and good bye and now she admits he might have real problems.”</p>

<p>I get it. She is disabled and ill, has recently lost a parent and an inlaw and has another parent or in-law who is ill plus has a beloved only child who is getting ready to leave for college and is acting in a disrespectful, hostile way.</p>

<p>She is - sick, grieving, overwhelmed with probably things related to the deaths and illness of herself and her inlaw/parent plus the extra expense and various time consuming details that come with sending a kid to college.</p>

<p>She probably was venting when she said the part about cutting her son off. At the same time, however, she and her whole family including the son are in pain. IMO the best thing that she could do to address the situation would be to go into counseling with a licensed therapist familiar with grief issues.</p>

<p>If her son and husband would get some counseling, that would be great, too, but since she’s the one who seems most in touch with the pain, she should go, and if she goes, that probably will help the whole family because as one person begins to heal, that will change the balance and the other people will have to adjust, probably by acting in healthier ways.</p>

176

<p>I remember quite well the summer before I left for college. I was always a very good child, never had a rebellious bone in my body. So the summer wasn’t horrible, but I do remember my mom complaining that I didn’t talk to her anymore and that she was worried about me. Pretty soon it seemed like she and I just weren’t having fun anymore. Looking back at that time, we both came to the same conclusion. We were “pre-adjusting” to the fact that things were never going to be the same, which was true, it never was the same again–but that is called growing up. She and I had been more like best friends than like a parent and child. We both knew that we would be apart and so we both started to pull away from each other. I think it is very natural. Sadly, some kids are more outspoken, rebellious, or downright mean (which is not necessary to the process!) about breaking away from the nest.</p>

<p>I think some parents deal with this progression better than others. Parents just need to have confidence in the fact that if you did your best and you concentrated on raising ethical, logical, intelligent, moral kids–you have to trust that your job is complete and your child is ready to move on and try out all those skills you helped them develop. Take pride in the fact that the groundwork has been laid and that your child will carry those values with them for the rest of their lives. Conversely, parents who lived their lives concentrating on themselves and their own needs and interests, rather than the upbringing of their children—best of luck to you, you took a gamble and you may have to live with consequences of that choice.</p>

<p>Despite the fact that this last summer may seem like torture, I think most kids come full circle eventually and will return back or grow into a fabulous adult–they are just “pre-adjusting” right now.</p>

177

<p>Brendan:
hmm, just like all the studies that claimed Prozac had no link with suicide :slight_smile:
I think your post is naive. My question (and btw, it was a question. Why can’t this question be asked?) is based upon personal observations so don’t try to shove this topic (steroids) under the carpet because it doesn’t fit in with your politically correct view of the world :)</p>

178

<p>As a recruited athlete who trains with recruited athletes, I would def look into steroid usage…I doubt it, depending on his sport, but it could be the problem.</p>

<p>I use to be exactly like your son…I mean almost to a ‘T’ I had to be helped along on everything, I wouldnt do anything without being told…then I did it halfass and complained about it. I never talked to my 'rents…it was an overall bad relationship. Then sometime last year (junior year of hs) I decided that I didnt like the rules the mum was putting up…decided to move out of the house. Oh my was that bad…but a wake up call.</p>

<p>To make a long story short, living without that extra push from my mother was pretty rough. I had to learn to do things on my own (only after things got really bad…it took a WHILE) to take initiative, and be responsible. Believe me, it was not a painless process…I was really upset for most of my time. I decided that the whole rebellion/disliking my 'rents wasnt for me, I moved back at the end of my junior year. </p>

<p>My relationship with them now has never been better. I understand now that they always want the best for me…it just seemed to me, prior to my moving, that they wanted to mold me into someone I didnt want to be…that they were pushing me beyond my limits…maybe thats how your son feels…and maybe this independance at college can do the same for him as its done for me. He will be forced to act independantly, I just hope that he is smart enough to realise this.</p>

<p>Pretty much all I’m trying to say is pull back a little, don’t be as involved in his life for a while and see how he reacts.</p>

179

<p>Where are you, Sage44? Since people were kind enough to give you their heartfelt advice, and the thread hasn’t been updated in well over a day, is it perhaps time for you to tell us how things are going between you and your son and what advice, if any, you’ve found helpful?</p>

180

<p>Biker wrote: “Brendan:
hmm, just like all the studies that claimed Prozac had no link with suicide
I think your post is naive. My question (and btw, it was a question. Why can’t this question be asked?) is based upon personal observations so don’t try to shove this topic (steroids) under the carpet because it doesn’t fit in with your politically correct view of the world”</p>

<p>Hmm… so you’re theory is that, because there were faulty studies about a drug that raised huge profits, research on steroids must be suspect? Steroids aren’t a real profitable drug compared to prozac, and I doubt the scientists involved in the research have vested interest in making sure steroids are real consumer friendly.</p>

<p>This study, which was double blinded, analyzed the patients level of angry before, during, and after the administration of testosterone enanthate; it also recorded the percieved level of angry by those living with the subjects. The study found NO DIFFERENCE between the control group and the experimental group.</p>

<p>My point was that, because it has been recognized that increased angry has been seen mainly in people with preexisting psychological disorders, that even if he was on steroids it wouldn’t be the root problem.</p>

<p>Furthermore, your “personal observations” aren’t applicable to someone you haven’t personally observed; you know nothing about him. I say he’s on amphetamine; why not? it’s perfomance enhancing, and it’s making him real edgy. Wait… I don’t have a clue about this kid more than he’s angry and an athlete.</p>

<p>I’m not shoving this issue under the carpet, I’m dismissing it completely because you have no grounds on which to claim he’s on steroids. It’s like saying, “I think your son has an antisocial personality disorder.” …yea maybe, but how can you know with any real certainty? I’m not delusional; I’m not denying that steroid usage exists, and is even rife, in competitive sports, but I think everyone is being a bit sensational with their steroid claims.</p>