Living at home while commuting to college/university: how do you cope with parents?

College Life
1

<p>I live at home while commuting to my university campus to save myself from going into deep debt (residence costs are WAY more than tuition fees). I take public transportation – 20-25 minutes walking to the subway station from home, and then another hour and 10 minutes by train, for a total of 1 hour and 30 or 40 minutes for a one-way trip (around 3 hours and 20 minutes daily commute time in total). I have learned to make use of my time on the train to complete readings and work (assuming I can manage to grab a seat in the crowded rush-hour trailers), and have learned to view the “wasted” time in the walking part of the commute as a beneficial round of daily exercise. So I’ve largely learned to turn my long commutes into something economical. My involvement with uni extra-curriculars are also not that much of a problem so long as I muster the extra effort to get out and commute to campus. </p>

<p>However, living with my parents has proven to be a hurdle I still cannot get past. They disturb me with requests to do chores practically 2 or 3 times an hour when I am home. (There is ALWAYS something for me to do, no matter if I already did it yesterday – housework is never done.) Not only do I hardly have the time to do these tasks continuously; I also can’t concentrate on my homework/papers/studying when my parents are interrupting me every 20 minutes. I’ve talked to them about it before – that I’m in university, not high school, and that I need to have more time to study and do my work, but they just ignore my concerns. (They don’t understand how much time I need to spend on my homework because I’m a first-generation university student.) It’s very annoying.</p>

<p>Also, I am not allowed to cook on my own, nor buy my own groceries. They don’t like the idea of me buying my own food, food which I will actually enjoy (we’re Chinese, and my parents tend to cook rather unappetizing stuff such as duck hearts and chicken kidneys). They are very strict and controlling, with rigid and inflexible times and locations I can do stuff. For instance, if I arrive home past our family dinner time of 7pm-8pm, they will get angry at me for not being there to help them cook dinner. Even though they will let me eat some of the dinner they cooked, they’d nevertheless be angry at me. My parents tend to control the exact times we are allowed to eat, and how much we can eat during those times; they hide food from me and lock the cabinets, and keep track of the stuff that’s in the fridge. If I ever eat something without their permission, or purchase apple juice or whatnot on my own, they’ll get angry if they find out about it (they call me a gluttonous pig even though I’m underweight).
When they grant me permission, the amount I’m allowed to eat is very, very little; so to keep myself from starving, I usually go out to eat at a fast food joint, or buy myself groceries which are edible without cooking, like canned foods, and secretly hide them in my room in a backpack in my closet (this is very time-consuming because my dad checks the garbage cans, so I’d have to make sure to dispose of the garbage in a public trash can somewhere).
This is all very irritating because eating out is expensive (or unhealthy), and I want to save money by buying groceries and cooking instead, but am not allowed to. I cannot get by with the amount of food they offer me, so I have no choice but to go out of my way to satisfy my basic needs.</p>

<p>Furthermore, I’m not allowed to sleep according my own schedule; I have to wake exactly at around 8am and the earliest they let me go to sleep is 12am (they think it’s “unfair” if I get to go to bed earlier than them). Even if I stay up most of the night studying for a test and go to sleep at 5am, they’d usually wake me at 8am, even on those days where my first class is at 2pm. I realize it’s a good habit to wake early, but there are many times where I’d have to stay up late doing homework because I get home so late; in these instances, I’d like to be able to sleep in a bit longer in the morning. As long as my parents are home, I’m also not allowed to take daytime naps even if I pulled an all-nighter the night before, or else they’ll accuse me of laziness.</p>

<p>On the social activity side, there’s no alcohol allowed in the house, and I most definitely cannot come home drunk. However, this to me seems to be a reasonable policy. It’s really only the chores, eating and sleeping rules that drive me up the wall sometimes; I think my parents have major control issues over these areas, but they would never admit to it or change their ways. I guess I was able to tolerate their rules throughout high school because my workload wasn’t as heavy back then, but now it’s starting to stress me. I would move out, but I can’t afford it. Not when the average rent for apartments in this area is $900 a month.</p>

<p>Sorry for the rant; I just needed to vent. If any of you live at home and have controlling parents, how do you cope with them in the midst of university life?</p>

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<p>Yes, I do agree with you. Your parents are unbelieveable controlling. </p>

<p>You say rent is $900 in your area. Have you looked into low income housing or searched on sites like craiglist for rentals in your area? And you could always get roommates to split the costs of rent. </p>

<p>Living with parents can be a pain. I had parents who stayed up late with the tv on and didn’t care about me trying to sleep. When I’d buy my own food, this same parent would actually eat MY food without asking!</p>

3

<p>Oh goodness. I know you said you’ve tried talking to them before, but is there someone you can have as a go-between or mediator between you and your parents? I know my mom and grammy can have a ‘We are the parent/grandparent, you are the child and know nothing’ sort of attitude, for lack of a better way to put it.</p>

<p>But that is unbelievably controlling. Looking at low income housing, like Aspire007 said, or the possibility of having roommates, you never know what you may find. Good luck, vanizorc.</p>

4

<p>All of their restrictions sounded manageable until I read about the sleep thing. I don’t give a flying duck (with an ‘f’) if they’re your parents or Mary Magdalene, no one should be in charge of someone else’s sleep patterns for the sake of being ‘fair.’ RIDICULOUS! I totally sympathize. Look into the above idea of getting a cheaper apartment.</p>

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<p>Wow that seems pretty ridiculous for a college student and a person of your age. I do not commute to school but I have a few friends that have about a 30 minute commute to their universities but they have their own cars which helps. It appears that all of their parents are much more relaxed on the rules and give them almost as much freedom as if they were living on campus. I wish I had some advice for you but I would say move out if you find the money lol. They are paying for your education so I would not anger them and hopefully the next few years fly by. How are you grades so far? Maybe you can strike up a deal if you get a certain gpa they will lessen their rules.</p>

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<p>You need to find some way to move out. Controlling anyones sleep and food is unacceptable after the age of like ten. It won’t be easy, but you’ll fall into a bad pattern if you continue being with them.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the advice thus far. I have looked into living with roommates and sharing a flat with them, but even still, the rent would be around $500-$600 monthly (for a 4-6 roommate flat). I live in a major metropolitan city (Toronto), so rent everywhere is expensive. I’m not sure how I would be able to sustain myself by paying for my own groceries, clothes, utility bills, rent, and textbooks with only a part-time job at minimum wage (I’m a full-time student, so of course I can’t take a full-time job).</p>

<p>That aside, if I do indeed move out, it will likely be against the will of my parents (I did my first two years of undergrad at another university in another city, and had to transfer back here to my local university and move back home because my parents pressured me. Though they didn’t say it directly, it was obvious they just didn’t like the idea that I had so much freedom when I lived on my own on campus). </p>

<p>So, since it’ll be against their will, they’ll likely disown and excommunicate me if I move out, meaning that I’ll have to try to find a way to pay for EVERYTHING myself while doing full-time uni. Doesn’t seem very possible to me.
So I think I’m just going to have to wait it out for probably the next several years until I’m financially independent enough, because they WILL cut me off if I disobey them like this.
Currently, I’ve been coping as much as I can by trying to stay in the campus library for as long as I can after classes until my parents call and demand I come home. It’s just so…stressful and depressing at home that I avoid it as much as I can.</p>

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<p>I know you said it’s difficult, but I think you should try discussing your concerns with them. It seems like the only viable way for things to get better. If you approach them in a kind way, maybe it’ll work out.</p>

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<p>Look, the people above who mentioned moving out have the best intentions in mind for you but being from a similar Eastern cultured family I know that things don’t work that way. If you move out, you WILL be without support (unless you come crawling back) and your relationship with them will get very strained. I think your situation will only get worse. You will have your day to day stresses compounded with other things like bills, rent, food, etc… and in the end it just wont be worth it.</p>

<p>Right now, you need to find a way to cope with it and communicate with them about this issue. I think crying in front of them/breaking down would send a strong message because even through your parents are stern, they’re still human and probably willing to listen to their child once their defenses are lowered a little. Or as someone already mentioned, if there’s a person like an aunt or uncle who can mediate it would be a good option to try out.</p>

<p>I would suggest trying some of these things before doing something as extreme as moving out. In eastern culture moving out like that can be viewed as very disrespectful.</p>

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<p>move out. now</p>

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<p>wow okay. you have the strictest asian parents i have ever heard of!! i’m asian myself, but my parents are nowhere near that strict lol. although i do know some people with parents like yours so dont feel like your the only one! honestly, moving out is not going to work for you… unfortunately. it’s just way too much money and working to make that kind of money is going to get in the way of your studies whether you like it or not. </p>

<p>staying at the library as long as you can is a good idea. i suggest you try to do more things like that for the sake of having a social life. just tell them your working on a group project or need to use the library for a test. basically some bs to stay at school. even if they’re strict they still care about your grades. make more friends while your at it and join some clubs! having friends will definitely cool the stress off your back. and that food thing to me is like borderline child abuse man… like i can’t believe they wont let you eat more if you were hungry. maybe just tell them to give you want bigger portions or something? like just tell them your starving sometimes and im sure they will try to give u more food. no parent would let a child starve. i think you need to man up to them more. let them know your not a little kid in high school anymore. like what do they have to take away from you? just sleep in if they tell you to wake up. tell them that your busy with work and you dont have to be doing chores. 95% of kids your age are living on campus and don’t have to deal with that. how are thy gonna punish you? like let you eat nothing or let you sleep outside? i feel like theres not much else they can take away from you at this point. MAN UP DUDE!</p>

<p>realistically though… theres like not much you can do now because yeah they do pay your tuition and provide you with a house. id say just use that as motivation to get out college as fast as you can, get a job, and start paying for your living expenses. gl man</p>

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<p>Wow your parents are insanely controlling. It’s important for you to understand that most parents are NOT like that! In fact I think you should tell them that either they stop being so controlling, or you move out. The sleeping thing is borderline psycho on your parents side, and the fact that they won’t let you eat is just as crazy. It’s time for you to start your own life, and if your parents want to be a part of it they need to lose the controlling attitude. This makes me feel so lucky to have my mom because she is not even close to being as controlling as your parents are, but at the same time her rules are fair. Talk to your parents, and if they’re not willing to budge then you need to move out. If they love you as their child(which I think they do) then they will change their ways to make you happy. Good luck! Let us know because this is not right.</p>