<p>VeryHappy,</p>
<p>Good question. No, I do not. My marital relationship is a very private thing to me, and I do not see much benefit to sharing its ups and downs with friends. I don’t consider myself LUCKY to be where I am in life, I feel that I have worked incredibly hard to be where I am and to have remained married for over 20 years to the same person. No one is perfect, but striving to be the best we can be in every facet of our lives leaves us with fewer regrets.</p>
<p>But you know, Mythmom, sometimes when a spouse gains a large amount of weight and the health issues start to tick off one at a time, it can be a slow motion way of watching the person you love die. High blood pressure, high cholesterol and sleep apnea can be serious problems for some people, too.</p>
<p>VeryHappy, no I don’t discuss the deeper issues of how afraid I am and separation is not a possibility. I adore that man and we’re together for the duration. I’d just like a longer, healthier duration, if at all possible.</p>
<p>Re snoring: 20 years of marriage, and I sleep in a different room. Master bedroom is downstairs, I sleep in a room upstairs. After suffering sleep deprivation for several years, it occurred to me that intimacy can happen anywhere/anytime but sleep is imperative everyday. I am a much happier, calm, and sane person now that I get normal uninterrupted sleep cycles.</p>
<p>zmom,
I agree with you re: the health issues. H’s father died of heart disease at age 60, so H’s obesity was not a simple matter of aesthetics/loss of consortium. It was a real possibility that he might not survive to see our youngest marry. Fortunately, H saw the light, and worked incredibly hard to lose most of the weight. He is at the gym at this moment. :)</p>
<p>zoosermom–I don’t find your concerns to be shallow at all. It is scary to think that you could lose the man you love because his weight causes all those health issues. I nag my H to get annual checkups, including those uncomfortable tests. Because I am a talented nag and play up my love for him, and because he is basically cooperative, he has prevented a couple of minor problems from becoming more serious. I hope your husband considers the cost to you and works harder on getting more fit. </p>
<p>VeryHappy–some people are private, others prefer to share. If you need to share can you seek out a trusted friend with good common sense to listen and talk things over with you? Or a family member?</p>
<p>Bay, that’s awesome. You must be very proud.</p>
<p>I wish hubby would have that epiphany – we have a 9 year old – and he’s reached the point where he struggles to move around because he’s so heavy and he gets heavier because he doesn’t move around as much.</p>
<p>I feel that there is a difference between experiencing a huge change in one’s appearance because of an accident or disease and gaining 100 pds. My H and I have known couples to break up over this issue and we’ve talked about it a few times. Both of us feel that our it would be difficult to be sexually attracted to one another if one or both 100 pds. or more.
I have a sister who’s husband has gained 60 pds. and it is a serious drag on their relationship. My sis is no longer attracted to him and many of the activities that they loved to share together are no longer possible. Some of their best communicating took place while doing things together and she’s not really thrilled about leaving him behind while she finds another companion to accompany her. She resents the weight gain and gets angry at him when he over eats and refuses to reason about it. After ten years, I wonder how much longer she can hold on. He admits that the weight gain is due to his lack of control and refusal to exercise, and she feels that he’s choosing the food over her. It’s so hard to watch.</p>
<p>I talk to my friends about the deep issues. Yes. I am very lucky to have many deep, intimate friends.</p>
<p>Yes, we are all on an obstacle course. It is one thing to face losses (looks, power, what have you) with dignity and good cheer. I could not agree more on that.</p>
<p>However, what if your partner doesn’t buy in? What about negativity, bitterness, isolation, lack of regard, and how, thin or fat, that erodes the joy in the other partner? </p>
<p>Mythmom, I respect your opinion, but let’s not over simplify. Your post seemed to imply that people who care about a spouse totally letting him/herself go are lucky to have such benign problems. </p>
<p>Well, I doubt anyone would leave a connected, loving, interested, warm spouse over a big gut. 99% of the time, the big gut is the physical manifestation of other, deeper, heavier (no pun) things.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>In my life, I have found that confiding in someone only leads to being betrayed later. I generally keep important things to myself.</p>
<p>veryhappy–that is a shame. I have a few friends that I can trust with anything and they are invaluable to me. Same with my brothers. If you do not have those confidants maybe it would be a good thing to pay a counselor for some sessions as they cannot, by law, betray you. And, I hope you can find more trustworthy friends in the future–they are out there.</p>
<p>VeryHappy,</p>
<p>I didn’t start out as a cynic, but what you described is what happened to me too many times, so I no longer share my/spouses shortcomings with friends. My healthy psyche is grateful for these anonymous forums.</p>
<p>veryhappy, I’m sorry that you have not had friends/family that you could trust with private thoughts. I had a therapist for a few years. She was not judgemental, had great insight and I didn’t have to worry that she’d say my thoughts w/someone else. Good insurance is a beautiful thing.</p>
<p>mythmom: Thank you for sharing the story of your trials and triumph over them. Mercifully nothing like this has happened to us, but I will keep your story in the back of my mind in case I am similarly tested.</p>
<p>Health issues of our beloveds and ourselves are certainly not trivial, nor is Zoosermom’s or Bay’s desire to see their H’s survive and thrive. I get confused when sexual attractiveness and involvement with sports is put on the same plane as health. Yes, I do think some of the concerns are trivial.</p>
<p>I am very glad Bay’s husband is exercising and I hope Zoosermom’s husband becomes fitter and lives a long and healthy life.</p>
<p>But I am also thinking of latetoschool and her Cancer which is usually contracted by smokers and she has never even smoked one cigarette. </p>
<p>My dad had a weight problem and then died of kidney cancer metathesized to his spine. He was very thin by the time he died. My mom is very thik and ate potato chips and hot fudge sundaes all the time. She harrassed him, but it wasn’t his weight that created his illness. She is 84 and still thin.</p>
<p>The thread did not start with health issues. It started with the question of divorcing spouses when they no longer meet our expectations.</p>
<p>I certainly struggled with this myself so I am not “above” these questions, but I do think some of the issues raised are shallow in the scheme of things, just as the remnants of my own materialism are shallow. I try to remind myself of what others are coping with when I forget. I used to sing that song to myself, “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”</p>
<p>Then again, I find some fat men very sexy. I even find Danny deVito sexy. Sexuality for me is not in the person’s body but in his warmth and sensuality.</p>
<p><<sexuality for=“” me=“” is=“” not=“” in=“” the=“” person’s=“” body=“” but=“” his=“” warmth=“” and=“” sensuality.=“”>> </sexuality></p>
<p>exactly!! </p>
<p>Some people clam up/clamp down, founder, eat themselves into a cocoon. </p>
<p>It is a RARE healthy/happy/sensual peson who would just accidentally allow themselves to pack on an additional 100 lbs. Whoops!</p>
<p>That’s my point.</p>
<p>SBmom: I think there’s probably some truth in what you say. However, it is a scientific fact that overweight women are more sexually responsive (don’t want to get more graphic here) because of increased estrogen. So this is a very complicated issue.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>hmmm, I am surprised that you do not see an obvious connection between sexual attractiveness (necessary for a good sex life), exercise and good health.</p>
<p>Coincidentally, I’ve just spent the last year and a half studying hormones and female sexuality for a book project. I would like to know the reference for the scientific fact you cite, because I have never seen this information. </p>
<p>Women with higher T tend to have more sexual desire. </p>
<p>Low E = dryness, so higher E can help there, but that is only one component of desire/responsiveness.</p>
<p>Interesting thread. My wife and I gained weight over the years and acknowledged it, but never got anywhere with our various half-hearted attempts to deal with it. Then I bought her the services of a personal trainer last X-mas. She is now smaller and more fit than when we first married. I, on the other hand, have done almost nothing. Fortunately, my former days as a football player still tends to make a lot of the weight I’ve gained less obvious to people who haven’t known me over the years. I am overweight, but still muscular, and a lot of people mistakenly think I work out (if they only knew).</p>
<p>However, my wife has never nagged or complained about my additional 80lbs -she just offers some subtle encouragment from time to time, and since she does all the cooking, she helps me make better eating choices. I can tell you that this will work because I am now taking steps to improve my health. I have a wife who has not only been a great example, but who has been careful not to exacerbate the problem with whining and insults. I respect her even more for this considering how hard she worked to get back into shape while I must have seemed oblivious. I am grateful for how she handled things and because of it I’m very committed to joining her in a healthier lifestyle. So now we go walking and biking together, and I have a new regimen I will begin following after turkey day. </p>
<p>Seems like a better approach than getting a divorce…</p>