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<p>Nope. The libido in both men and women is driven by androgens, not by estrogens.</p>
<p>I think there’s probably some truth in what you say. However, it is a scientific fact that overweight women are more sexually responsive (don’t want to get more graphic here) because of increased estrogen. So this is a very complicated issue.</p>
<p>actually from my own experience that doesn’t make sense.
WHen I was - not that much overweight- not 100 lbs anyway, I couldn’t stand to look at myself naked, I was tired, and out of shape. Its hard to feel sexy naked, when you don’t even feel good about yourself dressed.
But since I started not just losing weight but turning fat to muscle, I have so much more energy, I feel strong and sexy with or without my clothes.</p>
<p>I realize that some people like more padding, I certainly noticed that even when my husband ignored me- with his middle class caucasian value of skinny is desirable, that men of other ethnic groups apparently found that more appealing ( or perhaps they are just overly “friendly” to everyone).
But at the same time certain people profess to like their extra, I also observe that it does interfere with them participating in regular physical activity, even when we have to park far away from an event, that seems to be hard.</p>
<p>*I have a new regimen I will begin following after turkey day. *</p>
<p>at least you don’t say * after the Super bowl* ;)</p>
<p>I am pretty sure she means fat = more E = lubrication?</p>
<p>Although fat = more E also = cancer</p>
<p>mythmom reminded us: </p>
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<p>I think deep down inside a person knows when he or she has “given up” on his or her self, their spouse, the marriage and life generally. I also think that long-term married people know enough about their spouse to know when they have “given up.”</p>
<p>One poster said that it was not so much about results as it was whether one was still trying, still wanting and working to be in life, in love, in health and in the marriage. I agree completely.</p>
<p>I work on myself to stay in a condition that helps me be in life, in love, in health and, yes, in our marriage. And I am truly fortunate to have a spouse who I believe does the same. </p>
<p>Are we always at the same place in this effort? No. Does one or the other of us falter on occassion? Yes. But at the end of every day, I know that there is no one else I’d rather share the efforts, the struggles, the set backs and the successes with than my wife.</p>
<p>Veryhappy–I’d agree w/you … in my exper., it’s generally not productive to share negativity re: your spouse w/either family or friends. Even though everyone is caring, well-meaning, etc. Family will jump to your defense and never look at your spouse w/the same regard again (even after you’ve gotten over it!). Friends will (in my exper) generally support, empathize and encourage negativity. None of my (kind) friends would ever say, “stop that complaining, will you? be grateful and focus on the positives!”). </p>
<p>A gf of mine who seems completely together (beautiful, lovely house, great family, etc.) told me she goes to a therapist every other week, just so she doesn’t dump her negativity on family/friends.</p>
<p>It’s a great idea and very productive. It provides a space of isolation to deal w/negative thoughts/complicated issues. As long as your counselor is good (generally, social workers or family therapists – not psychotherapist – are about dealing w/things practically and coming to productive outcomes quickly). No offense to psychotherapists!!!</p>
<p>“Then again, I find some fat men very sexy. I even find Danny deVito sexy. Sexuality for me is not in the person’s body but in his warmth and sensuality.”</p>
<p>I actually find heavier men attractive, as well.</p>
<p>VeryHappy is at work, pretending to work, and she will respond to all your fine comments later. :)</p>
<p>Jolynne,
Just for clarification, a “psychotherapist” is a general term. A ‘psychologist’ implies a PhD or PsyD. A clinical psychologist generally has spent 4-6 years in grad school and at least a one year internship, probably a postdoc also. MFT programs are 1 year, MSW programs are two. The educational background diminishes over the years, with experience and CEUs. </p>
<p>Otherwise, I agree with you.</p>
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<p>FLVADAD,</p>
<p>I found it noteworthy that you used these descriptors in your narration. Were you expecting nagging, complaining, whining and insults from your wife about your weight, but were pleasantly surprised when it did not happen? Or do you assume that most wives treat their overweight husbands with nags, complaints, whines and insults, so you are one of the lucky ones? Or is there another reason why you included those words?</p>
<p>I don’t think sexual ‘attractiveness’ is necessary to have a good sex life. There are plenty of ‘unattractive’ individuals who have a good sex life and plenty of ‘attractive’ individuals who don’t. I am glad to be in the former category :-).</p>
<p>Emeraldkity
I too have found that when I’m fit and at a healthy weight that I feel sexier and I have more sex drive, but it is also true that my mental picture of sexy is fit and thin. I think that there are definately people who have a completely different mental image of sexy and that’s fine too. I think that our mental picture of sexy can and does change as we age. If it didn’t, we would not be able to enjoy a healthy sex life as senior citizens.
My H and I are both pretty committed to maintaining our weights within 20 pds. of what we weighed when we got married. It’s just something that we talked about before we got married and both agree is a good idea FOR US.
Many people have “couple time” that includes being physically active and sometimes these are what drew them together. I feel that my sister has every reason to be angry and to resent the fact that her husband just decided to check out of much their life together. He did not have an accident and has no disease that has caused his weight gain. He just stopped paying attention and his bad eating habits caught up with him. He makes a conscious choice every day to over eat and not to exercise. He doesn’t even shower as often as he used to because he’s too big for the shower stall. He’s kind of smelly sometimes, and I’m sorry, but I can understand that she finds this a turn off.</p>
<p>vicarious, I think that you are very right, but it’s all relative. I had a boyfriend once that I was very attracted to. He was not very handsome, but he was very fit. He was loosing his hair and his skin was very scared from acne as a teen, but he was a really warm, kind, loving and caring guy. Unfortunately, other factors kept us apart. The thing is, I was not initially attracted to him. It was not until I had known him awhile that I was attracted. Unfortunately some people never get that far and in my sister’s case, there is a loss of respect and a feeling of abandonment that are also factors in her possibly failing marriage. It’s sad because they have been married for over 25 years.</p>
<p>“He did not have an accident and has no disease that has caused his weight gain.”</p>
<p>He may have a disease, like depression, that he doesn’t know he has, which means his wife wouldn’t know, which means you wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t like to be so fat that I couldn’t fit in a shower stall and I doubt most people who are that fat like being that fat. Unless one is perfect one shouldn’t judge others.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom42: I completely sympathize with the sad situation your sister and her husband are in. I hope things improve for her/them.</p>
<p>My DH has gained some weight because he likes to eat, he snores (but fortunately is out of town a lot!) but I wouldn’t trade him for any of the men I know. My friends are for the most part happily married, through thick and thin, breast cancer, Parkinson’s, MS, PMS, weight gain, and bum knees. And the husbands are all great guys, but I’d still rather have mine. He’s my best male friend. 
:)</p>
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<p>I don’t think “sexual attractiveness” has anything to do with society’s general standards of what is considered good-looking or ugly. It is a purely personal matter, and it can include physical and non-physical attributes. I don’t think it is unusual that a person’s sexual attraction to his/her spouse might diminish due to a change in that spouse’s personal habits, such as lack of hygiene, overeating, making inconsiderate comments or even sitting in front of the TV all day.</p>
<p>I am amazed by individuals who think it is OK for someone to get a divorce because he/she thinks his/her spouse has put on excessive weight and is not trying hard enough to lose it. As far as I can tell, all previous references in this post have not referred to physical or even emotional abuse or anything like that by the “guilty party,” just obesity and/or apathy. Isn’t it a spouse’s responsibility to try to encourage, rather than abandon? Why even get married at all?</p>
<p>Furthermore, I am curious. How much weight do your children have to put on, or how apathetic do they have to get, before you would end your relationship with them?</p>
<p>In my opinion, in the situations described previously, divorce is not a solution for an unhappy marriage any more than suicide is a cure for cancer. Obviously it is very tough to feel you are keeping up your end of the bargain emotionally when your spouse is not, but that does not make divorce OK. Furthermore, in any such situation, the “innocent” spouse may be far from perfect as well. In terms of damage to a happy marriage, how many pounds of weight gain by one spouse are equal to a blindly, self-righteous attitude by the other spouse?</p>
<p>“Furthermore, in any such situation, the “innocent” spouse may be far from perfect as well. In terms of damage to a happy marriage, how many pounds of weight gain by one spouse are equal to a blindly, self-righteous attitude by the other spouse?”</p>
<p>I didn’t see any evidence of self-righteousness except by you. Those of us who have spouses that have gained excessive weight have talked about our fear, loneliness, sleep deprivation, lack of physical attraction and other things, but there has been nothing unkind directed toward our spouses. As I said from post 1, I can see both sides and when imperfect human beings are involved, there are no villains. As far as how many pounds? I don’t know. In my household it’s 100 pounds and the man isn’t the same man I married anymore and is teetering on becoming someone who can only get around with assistance and whose life is all about the weight. I’m still only 42 and I would like to have his company and hold the realistic hope of a future together. That’s not self-righteous. Isn’t that what all married people want?</p>
<p>“Furthermore, I am curious. How much weight do your children have to put on, or how apathetic do they have to get, before you would end your relationship with them?”</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking the same thing but didn’t ask because I know it isn’t analogy with which posters on this thread will be comfortable. Obviously the love between a parent and a child is different than the love between spouses but it is worth noting that many of the causes of obesity are genetic dispositions that may reside in your kid(s.)</p>
<p>dntw, They’ve been to counseling and know all about depression. She’s the one who battles the depression and treats it with medication, exercise, vitamins and sunlight. He openly admits that he just loves food and has no desire to diet or exercise. My sister says that if feels like he loves the food more than he loves her. </p>
<p>mommusic: That’s really great! (insert smilies!) My sister tries to keep focusing her H’s intelligence, dry sense of humor and his generosity. She’s trying and I’m praying that it will be resolved. </p>
<p>Unfortunately there is a lot of loss involved. My sister is in mourning. She’s mourning the loss of their dreams about their retirement. They once dreamed of traveling, hiking, etc. through Europe. Sure, they could eat their way through Europe, but she finds the idea pretty revolting under the circumstances and if he can’t fit in the shower stall at home, cruising is out of the question.</p>