<p>pafather,</p>
<p>Your post #97 made me review this entire thread because I did not remember ANYONE here advocating divorce for having an overweight spouse. Frankly, I really get tired of overweight people accusing those who discuss the impacts of obesity of being “perfect” or “self-righteous.”</p>
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<p>good point, dntw8up. And probably many of us could have looked at our in-laws and predicted our spouse’s weight gain/hair loss. But I’d rather have bald tubby than a silver fox who cheats on me or has other vices.</p>
<p>“Unfortunately there is a lot of loss involved. My sister is in mourning. She’s mourning the loss of their dreams about their retirement.”</p>
<p>Bless your heart for articulating that.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom–sounds like your sister’s H is a candidate for stomach stapling or other version of this life-changing surgery.</p>
<p>pafather,
Abandonment? What about my sister? Who has abandoned whom? As far as I’m concerned MY SISTER is the victim here. SHE goes to counseling, SHE buys healthy foods, SHE is the one who is burdened with his needs for assistance with activities of daily living, SHE is the one who has no interest in sex even though her H is always bugging HER to put out. My sister is one of the kindest and most patient people I know and if anyone is “judging” here, I would say that it is YOU.
As to the question of how much weight/kids, I don’t think that it’s a fair analogy. You don’t have a partnership with your child that includes spending the rest of your life together. Children grow up and have their own lives, marriages, dreams and retirements. Besides, my sister has not stopped LOVING her H. She is just questioning weather or not she wants to be his partner for the rest of her life. She’s only 58, she’s got a lot of living to do and doesn’t want to spend it on the couch with H.</p>
<p>mommusic, If only he’d even hear of it. Unfortunately stomach stapling is only for people who are willing to adjust their eating habits and he is not interested in doing that.</p>
<p>Bay, Thank you so much for post 101. I get tired of it too.</p>
<p>I have had a few friends over the years instigate a deep and intimate conversation about their marriage and their doubts. Interestingly, in each case I told of a very bad time in my marriage and how after we endured together we came out the other end of that dark tunnel with a better, stronger relationship.
That was not what either friend was looking for, each was about to act on her desire for a divorce (though did not say that in the beginning) and was looking for acknowledgement that they were right to give up and move on. Each did divorce and move on to a new area, so I don’t know if they are happy now, but they were definitely way beyond the venting & feeling better phase and did not want encouragement to work on their relationship :(</p>
<p>“sounds like your sister’s H is a candidate for stomach stapling”</p>
<p>Based on what’s been said here, I don’t agree. Weight loss surgery works for those who are committed to making a drastic lifestyle change and the surgery helps them to maintain it. Most reputable bariatric surgeons will not perform the operation unless the patient shows serious commitment – usually involving diet change and weight loss – PRIOR to surgery. The thread makes it sound like the husband accepts the status quo and is comfortable being a food addict.</p>
<p>somemom,
I think that you are right that many people who talk with friends about marriage doubts HAVE already given up and are not really looking for encouragement. I think that this forum is a little different because of the anonymity. My family is Catholic and very anti-divorce. My poor sister suffered for a long time without reaching out because she feared that we, her family would tell her that she was wrong to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I’m just really glad that she finally found the courage to reach out. She’s been working hard to keep her marriage alive for over five years. When is enough, enough?
The beauty of the forum is that it is not a vaccum. We get opinions from people outside our “unit”. That’s what I like about it and why I find it really stimulating.
Hanna, He is.</p>
<p>Weight gain is a serious problem when it gets to be in the obese range. Weight Watchers has a great program that actually teaches you how and what to eat rather than selling you a little box of food to eat a couple of times a day. I have lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers with a little more to go. I know that at my heaviest I wasn’t particularly attractive, but my husband stayed with me. Maybe it was the good cooking!? Or maybe because is thin, but balding.</p>
<p>When a couple marries, they both need to realize that it is a life long committment, not just something to try and see if it works. I know that there are some legitimate reasons for divorce, but too many rush to that. There is great satisfaction in working though some sticky, unpleasant things that come up in a marriage. Often, working through the difficult times together actually strenghtens the marriage in the long run, even though at the time can be miserable.</p>
<p>zoozermom said: </p>
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<p>bay said: </p>
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<p>I agree with both of these statements. Dealing with real world problems means looking at things in a way that has some chance of solving the problem and not just relying on platitudes. Morbid obesity impacts the obese person and their spouse, as well as the greater family. It is a fact. It not a matter of who is “right.” The problem is what to do about the obesity.</p>
<p>I think that all married people should want a long and healthy life for their spouse and for themself. A realistic hope of a future together DOES include good health. Wanting (desperately) good health for a spouse is not being self-righteous it is loving that other person. </p>
<p>The argument that you should love and accept them as they are is a convenient come-back to avoid the health issue. If my S was 100 pounds over-weight I’d be doing everything I could to get him to get into a healthy regime. And everyone would be in approval. I love my wife as much as my S so if she was obese I’d do the same thing and hope that she would for me.</p>
<p>Thanks to the posters who already pointed out that nobody was saying dump anyone merely because of weight gain. </p>
<p>pafather said:</p>
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<p>my question for you, pafather, is this: </p>
<p>what DOES make divorce okay, in your book? Anything?</p>
<p>Imagine a slider. Yes I mean a visual control slider, like the volume slider on your PC. Imagine this slider is attitudes toward divorce. Let’s say on the left end of the slider is Britney Spears marrying, having two little children, and then saying “Oh never mind.” Probably no one thinks that kind of divorce is OK. Let’s say on the right end of the slider is the woman who stays married to the man who is a criminal alcoholic who beats her repeatedly and refuses to go to counseling of any sort and puts her children at risk of serious harm. Probably almost no one but the extreme religious fundamentalists would say divorce is not OK in that situation. </p>
<p>That leaves us with the entire sliding scale in between. Us as a society with high divorce rates and many who don’t divorce sad or vengeful in their marriages. Some who divorce when they should not. And children usually sad in all those situations.</p>
<p>My personal opinion is that American society’s approach to divorce causes some of the sorrow of the whole process. We can’t as a society simply say “It is bad” and leave it at that. I think we actually just make it worse rather than preventing it when it does happen. Just my opinion.</p>
<p>Nor do I think anyone would deny that working on a marriage through rough parts and having it succeed would be a great joy. But there’s a big long space on that slider. And I for one believe in suspending judgement way more often than pronouncing on others’ choices.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom,
I can so relate to your sister’s distress. I recall S & I eating lunch with another family. The husband is 100#or more overweight, diabetic, etc. He refused to eat the lunch, but grapped a carton of ice cream and ate that. The pain on children’s faces was visible. The spouse seemed to not only show his addiciton but also his defiance of the silent pleas for him to eat more appropriately.</p>
<p>Sometimes I think separation for awhile is an alternative to divorce or staying in an unhealthy situation.</p>
<p>Pafather,
I don’t think any parent divorces themself from a child. They do send their children for treatment of any severe ED, be is morbid obesity, anorexia, bulimia, pica, etc. The same is true if their child becomes addicted to drugs. It generally takes 5 treatments for the child to find a path towards recovery. I never see parents give up.</p>
<p>Very well said, Alumother. </p>
<p>And further, I’d add that “working through rough parts” is a two-person job, though certainly a good person should allow a liberal waiting/cajoling/convincing period to try to get the other spouse on board with the work, to try to get the other spouse help with the depression, the help with the addiciton, or what have you. </p>
<p>The one GOOD thing about divorce being so horrible, demoralizing, expensive, and tragic is that most decent people will bend over WAY backwards before (sadly, reluctantly) selecting that option.</p>
<p>I have a friend (40’s) whose husband had a serious brain tumor that treated left him NOT himself… angry, violent, etc. Okay it’s a brain tumor-- not within his control at all, a “sickness”-- but as for daily life it was exactly like being married to someone very abusive. No different for her or her kids. She stayed married to him for YEARS through rehabilitation, medication etc, hoping for improvement. Ultimately, it became clear there was no change possible. Though she divorced him, she STILL cares for him financially. She feels that is her obligation as his wife. So one cannot accuse her of not taking her obligation seriously. I suspect some people may feel she should not have divorced him. </p>
<p>I think there are many many situations where it is not at all simple…</p>
<p>I have been supporting my sister’s committment for a long time now. She and her H have been married for 34 years and many have been good. I’m pretty confident that she’ll cope. She’s got lots of family and friends to do things with and he can be a lot of fun if you want to sit around and pig out. Maybe she should take up baking. If you can’t beat um’ join um’?
Like I said, she would suffer greatly if she divorced him. Not only would she be judged by family members, she’d be financially ruined because she’s been taking care of either children or H for 31 years. It’s just so unfair I have to go do something else and not think about it anymore.</p>
<p>My husband was a professional athlete in his younger days and his weight gain is relatively recent, so he still sees himself as a thin, fit guy who’s going through a phase. I have to believe that reality is going to set in at some point and he’s going to really accept that he has to make changes and will then do so. We went to Parent/teacher conferences at our son’s school tonight and hubby tripped over some very narrow steps because he can’t see his feet anymore. He could have gotten hurt but, thankfully, it was only his pride.</p>
<p>Good luck to you, zmom. My H was a similar case (not pro athlete, but hs star), and no amount of encouragement or voiding the house of poor influences by me had any effect. I guess he finally had a private epiphany and made his health/fitness a personal goal. I am thrilled, to say the least. Don’t give up hope. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>zmom, My thoughts and prayers are with you too. Please take care.</p>
<p>I am not hearing judgmental attitudes on this thread, but rather deep caring. If we can discuss smoking, HRT, workaholics, depression, and other life choices that might impact health, we should also be able to discuss obesity. Best thoughts to all of you dealing with the fallout of obesity.</p>