<p>Zmom, if he was a professional athlete in the old days, chances are good he will see the light. Does he remember those years with fondness? Is he proud of himself? Does he have photos of himself in his prime? All those things might spur him toward a personal decision to change.</p>
<p>I hope so. I understand – all too well – how difficult this is. You’re powerless to change someone else’s behavior.</p>
<p>If your husband is snoring heavily he needs treatment for sleep apnea. Your husband is not getting enough sleep - and lack of sleep can lead to serious depression, and desire for FOODFOOD and more FOOD!!! It’s a bad cycle. (Have you seen the research about how amount of sleep can predict obesity in children?) If I were you, I would INSIST that my husband get treated for the sleep apnea, because it is a major health problem. If the apnea is dealt with, perhaps then other areas can be addressed. :)</p>
<p>Thank you all for the kind words! Just so it’s clear, I’m completely optimistic that there’s going to be a good outcome. Hubby has a fantastic doctor who’s really trying to get him to understand.</p>
<p>Out of the blue (he did not see this thread!), my DH said he made an appointment to see a sleep expert tomorrow for his snoring/sleep apnea. I have been after him for years to do this. I am really hopeful.</p>
<p>He was also a sports’ star in HS (basketball and football), but started letting himself go in college (drinking and late-night food + inactivity). </p>
<p>My H has a brother who is grossly overweight and has all sorts of health issues, so DH thinks his situation is great in comparison (DH is considered “obese” in the weight charts, but he doesn’t have any health issues that we know of–yet). Like I said earlier, the main problem is his snoring.</p>
<p>His sweet, sweet mother had a serious weight problem herself and she literally pushed food on her children…She would act offended if they didn’t have seconds or thirds. She suffered from diabetes and high blood pressure and died too young.</p>
<p>Quote:
…my wife has never nagged or complained about my additional 80lbs -…has been careful not to exacerbate the problem with whining and insults. </p>
<p>"FLVADAD,</p>
<p>I found it noteworthy that you used these descriptors in your narration. Were you expecting nagging, complaining, whining and insults from your wife about your weight, but were pleasantly surprised when it did not happen? Or do you assume that most wives treat their overweight husbands with nags, complaints, whines and insults, so you are one of the lucky ones? Or is there another reason why you included those words?"</p>
<p>Bay,</p>
<p>My point is that I think it would have been easy for her to engage in those behaviors, and maybe justifiably so. I think that would be true of anyone in the same situation. To a degree, I think such behaviors are a natural outcome when one partner seems to be working harder than the other with equally imbalanced results over important matters. I would not have blamed her if she expressed herself that way, but I don’t think it would have gotten me to respond positively even though I might have agreed. I used those those descriptors to place emphasis on the fact that the manner of response to such issues has the potential to make a bad problem worse. It’s an easy trap to fall into. I do feel lucky to be married to someone who recognizes that and took a more constructive approach.</p>
<p>Curious,</p>
<p>Very glad to hear your news. I wish you both the best.</p>
<p>I have never nagged DH about his weight. He never bugs me about mine. He does most of the cooking, though, and low-fat isn’t in the cards. My younger son will bug his dad about healthy cooking and getting exercise – DS2 is 6’3 1/2" and 235 lbs. – and he’s only 15. DS has realized the genetics are against him unless he takes control of food and exercise now, so he is quite disciplined.</p>
<p>I do ask him to take care of his health – since I became ill, it is even more important. If something happens to me, he needs to be around for our kids. But it’s like talking to a brick wall. From where I sit, it feels like I’m watching a long, slow suicide by food.</p>
<p>Thisoldgal and thisoldman have been together since the early 70’s. We are 'bout 20 ponds of our 20’s weight but pushing the preferred insurance H/W tables. </p>
<p>I’ve developed a progressively worsening diabetes II, and working hard to stay on a Atkins diet. TOG watches me and diet constantly and makes me do a vigorous walk for an hour in our hilled development. I have noticed that when I fall off the cart (eat starches) my weight goes up and overall feelings goes down. It doesn’t take much in starch/sugar to affect me. </p>
<p>I also have the opinion that our pheromones and hormones are greatly affected by diet and body mass. (we won’t get into that other than TOG still smells great) :>)</p>
<p>I worry about my hub’s health too (although he’s at a good weight and looks fit). He smokes & we are like Mr. & Mrs. Jack Spratt (I eat vegetables and almost no fat, sugar, white flour or meat – those are all his staples [plus beer]).</p>
<p>I’d love to know the trick to get your spouse to live healthier. I don’t say much of anything because he’s a grown man. Just wish I knew the secret…!</p>
<p>Lifestyle changes must be self motivated. It is very hard to find a point of leverage to spur these kinds of changes as the spouse. Nagging doesn’t work, because the addicition to food is a form of self-comfort and being nagged only increases one’s desire for self-comfort. Same with cigarettes.</p>
<p>On the other hand, this leaves the healthy spouse up a creek. </p>
<p>But putting it in terms of ones self might help. For example, “I am frightened that you will die and leave me by myself.”</p>
<p>I agree with SBMom. It may be very difficult to spur a lifestyle change in a spouse. However, even most people who are having significant marital problems still care quite a bit about their kids, and in some circumstances this could possibly be a source of motivation for exercise / weight loss. I recall reading about a man who was on the order of 100 pounds overweight. He became motivated when he realized that his teenage daughter was around 20 to 25 pounds overweight (and I am sure he could project into the future and see that she could easily get even more overweight). He began walking with his daughter in the mornings (maybe 1 to 3 miles each day), and as a result, she lost something like 10 or 15 pounds, and he lost something like 60 or 70 pounds. This will only be a motivational factor in some circumstances, but nonetheless in those situations it may help a lot.</p>
<p>Jolynne, </p>
<p>I think nagging probably works. I know someone who kept nagging her husband about his smoking and it did nothing for years. Then one day she nagged him about smoking near a baby and for whatever reason he saw the light and quit. Just like that. Both are very happy today.</p>
<p>I suppose the right amount of nagging combined with continued affirmation of love does work. But it is hard work and thankless too.</p>
<p>Update:</p>
<p>My DH went to a “sleep clinic” this morning, and they told him that he has a soft palate, blah, blah, blah, and surgery could work to diminish the snoring/sleep apnea. I asked him if they talked about weight loss, and of course they did and that, in a perfect world, he would need to lose weight before even thinking about surgery. So my DH said he is committed to losing weight and wants my help (“gentle nagging”). I said 24 lbs in one year would be good (2 lbs a month). That way, he’ll be close to his weight when we got married 17 years ago (he was already overweight when we got married). His idea was to lose a lot more a lot faster, but I think that’s a recipe for failure.</p>
<p>So, we’ll see. He entertains a lot for business, and that’s when he really goes overboard in food and drink…But I can’t really monitor that.</p>
<p>He’s planning on exercising regularly, and I really should do that too (lead by example).</p>
<p>Wish us luck! 
And best of luck to all here who are dealing with similar struggles!</p>
<p>By the way, I think surgery should be a measure of last resort.</p>
<p>Curiousmother: He may find as he loses weight that the need for surgery is reduced.</p>
<p>And as for those business lunches and dinners, tell him that no one is putting a gun to his head, making him eat everything they serve to him. It’s possible to appear convivial without taking in a lot of calories.</p>
<p>^^^ So true about both your points, VeryHappy! But old habits die hard…</p>
<p>Curiousmother, good luck to your husband (and you). At least he’s on the same page as you now, right? You will both be in my thoughts.</p>
<p>Jolynne, Maybe you could talk to him about the dangers of second hand smoke and tell him how much you want him to be with you for a very long time.</p>
<p>Thank you, Zoosermom! We are on the same page, at least for today. ;)</p>
<p>"Thank you, Zoosermom! We are on the same page, at least for today. "</p>
<p>One day at a time . . .</p>
<p>I’ll second that zoosermom! Keep up the good love, curious!</p>