Personally think that compliments from male colleagues are a bit creepy, and I work well with mostly men. The idea also harks back to say 25 years ago when we had female secretaries and a lot more older men who grew up in different times. Save the compliments for your wives and dates. For this purpose, the gay guy is like a woman, so can compliment since he is obviously not hitting on you. To elaborate, on a normal office day, I am wearing a new outfit, do not complement me. If we are attending say a holiday party and I have formal wear and makeup on , don’t complement me (ok, maybe if I say nice tux you are allowed one compliment, but I don’t do that either). Being colleagues rarely if ever means a relationship that is remotely related to physical attractiveness, you can certainly feel free to complement me on my work.
For folks I don’t need to meet again, they are welcome to complement etc. However, if you really sincerely want to be in my Rolodex, again, keep it business … or I will think you might be creepy or just a sexist who thinks women are decorative.
Actually, maybe the decorative part is the issue. I am not here to give you something to look at or to be some kind of white knight, I am here to work. The only real exception I have is holding doors, since I do that for everyone all the time.
Regarding the name pronunciation issue, on this one I would actually not worry about microaggressing but just ask him maybe preferably in a small setting, maybe armed with that pronunciation guide how to best pronounce his name … no wait, what I would do is ask him how he would like to be addressed. He may have an anglicized option he considers professional enough, he may want to be addressed as Dr or Mr, maybe Dr X or Mr X. Certainly it is better to have a name that he likes, and maybe you can start using it in the meetings.
Seems microaggressive to address a colleague as either mumble or hey you and it sounds like it is getting awkward.
I would not address his general verbal style unless you are giving say a joint briefing in which case you could ask him to slow down. Actually if you can politely ask him to slow down in the right, smaller venue, you may be doing him a favor as well. But assume he is doing as well as he can in English in general.
Still find it odd that many people are thinking that their boorish comments are not the issue, that it is people who list things that could offend others who are being overly sensitive because “hey, it’s the way I want to do things”. Yes, it is that attitude, which is blatantly obviously when you ignore people’s complaints, that is the problem … we see through it … sorry. Or if it’s just a bad habit, try to change and encourage those around you to change. There are better ways to communicate.
Why are you doing this? Is this a work culture or an attempt at humor or camaraderie?
Frankly, I doubt everyone is enjoying this and yes, this is an example of microaggressive behavior, since you are creating a good-old-white-boy culture that women will not feel comfortable in or a real part of.
And frankly, this is why women are a good addition to the workplace.
It seems to me the professional ideal should be to never comment on anyone’s appearance in the workplace.
This may become impractical when our professional and social lives overlap. I don’t think so many people these days have completely separate work and personal lives and that makes it pretty complicated. imho.
Women are a great addition to the work force. But the majority of women and men are not so sensitive that you cannot complement their tie, shirt, blouse suit, outfit. You can even kid around with people so work does not feel like a sterile tomb where all fun goes to die,
Normal people can navigate the line between social interaction and harassment. The overly sensitive and the overly demeaning are not the norm. We should not have to spend our day worrying about one or tolerating the other
But Tom, the overly sensitive have a right to feel comfortable in the workplace If something makes them feel uncomfortable, they have a right to address it, even iff it means a complaint to HR.
If there are no compliments, there is no possibility of misinterpretation. When compliments are a workplace norm, is it necessary to try and spread them around equally so no one feels left out? Or is that overthinking?
I have trouble with remembering people’s names because I’m a visual learner. If everyone wore name tags the first time we met, it would be much easier for me. I make a concerted effort to focus on people’s faces when we meet and try to find a connection to something that will help me remember their name. Do they remind me of someone else with that name? Is there any detail I can relate to them? Bill the nurse, Peggy the lawyer…any association that I can think of will help. In a group setting, I’ll silently repeat the names as I look at each face until I get them.
So even after working with someone for a long time I wouldn’t have any problem pulling them aside and explaining that I’m bad with names and was embarrassed to ask for the correct pronunciation when we met, but that I’d like their help in getting it right. The easiest way for me to learn would be if he could help me write it out phonetically. I’m learning to pronounce Italian words that way…(e) is pronounced like (a) in (insert correct word here)…so something like that, on paper, would be beneficial for me. People pronounce my name incorrectly all the time and I’m never offended when someone asks, “Is it Aus-TIN or Aus-TEN?” no matter how many times they have to ask. I do raise an eyebrow at people I’ve corrected who have the audacity to tell me that how I pronounce my name “doesn’t matter.” Well, maybe not to you.
The overly sensitive can be so beyond the norm that no they do not get to dictate their standard on the rest of us.
Someone going to HR because someone said I like your hair style, that color looks nice on you, Nice tie, or if someone says hello or does not say hello is not something that should be acceptable. Anyone that does that is so overly sensitive they cannot function in the workforce.
And if you do not agree with me you are so overly sensitive you cannot function on the Internet
These seem to me different questions 1) whether personal comments in the workplace are inappropriate 2) whether they are a norm 3) whether they rise to the level someone could legitimately take offense.
So everyone must agree with your opinion or they have a problem… Nice. Am guessing/hoping that was supposed to be funny and not insulting.
My DH has told me tales of ridiculous things people have complained about to HR, claiming “hostile workplace environment”. They have to take every complaint seriously, no matter how ridiculous or hypersensitive you think it is.
Here are some examples of insensitive remarks made from employee to another in 4 different work places. I did not make them but I either heard or was told about them.
A gentleman of Irish heritage who has a picture of Gerry Adams in his office was told he can no longer park his car in the building basement because they were tired of checking under the car.
A male manager who had children later in life was asked if his kids teachers were happy to see grandpa attend back to school night.
A company instituted a employee review process where managers were reviewed by their subordinates. One managers subordinate came into his office to do the review and asked the manager " how do you spell D****e bag"
She is using that brain tumor as an excuse
Nothing came from any of them because while we acknowledge on their face they are at best insensitive the people making them and the person they made them to knew how their interaction would be received.
Would HR have issues with these remarks- of course and the people who made them realize if taken to HR they would not be able to defend them.
But anyone going to HR because someone said that color looks good on you will not result in the same issue for the person making the remark.
Of course everyone has to agree with@tom1944. They (them?) are/is an extremely sensitive individual whose childhood consisted of never being heard or appreciated or valued. Their (thems) opinions were never valued or even considered. So, given this person’s history it is vital to not micro aggress them by dismissing or disagreeing with them. The basis of micro aggressive behavior is such that you (the speaker) must somehow intuit the history, background, mental stability, world views, personal experiences of everyone you ever meet and then quickly calculate what is appropriate (as of course filtered through your potential victims circuitry) and then modify your behavior appropriately.
THAT"s the beauty of the system.
I am now going to go talk to my cat. Hopefully in a non micro aggressive way.
The biggest trouble we get into at work is not the conflict between the offender and offendee, but third parties. There are several of us who have known each other for decades and are quite close, and say things to one other that both parties are comfortable and have fun with, but if some third party accidentally hears the interaction, things do get awkward.
I thought all this was hypothetical, until this week a new young colleague (of not, currently, the same positioning on the gender binary) looked at me admiringly… and said “You look so much like my father”.
