@96,
It was a contributing factor. It is honesty. He didn’t have to “cheat.” He could have left first. Same difference really.
@97,
I’m sure the guy(s) who meet her will evaluate her on her brain and personality also. And? Your point is?
And some people let themselves go and then wonder where the magic went. What a mystery. I’m not sure where it went. Maybe it will come back because it is only what is on the inside that counts. Because lets face it men are not judged on their looks at all. Let’s really get in that bubble while we are at it.
I think women are naive to think men don’t rank attractiveness above other qualities. How many pro athletes have unattractive wives?
And middle aged men are naive if they think the arm candy women are attracted to their wonderful personalities versus their big wallets.
No doubt Melania loves The Donald for his brain and personality.
I seriously thought about divorcing H 10 years or so ago. All three attorneys I consulted told me that it was highly likely that I would be considered the “dad” in the situation because H was a work at home/stay at home and that I would lose primary custody AND have to give money to H. I could not bear the thought of being unable to see my children every night more than I could not bear the thought of seeing H every night, nor could I live with having to give my money to H to spend, rather than deciding how it is spent myself. Until about one year ago, I lived my emotional life as if I was going to divorce H as soon as our youngest child left HS. He is a senior now and I have reconsidered. At this point, while I am not in love with H, I do love him and he has been a wonderful father to our children. If I divorced him now, I would have to give him a large portion of my retirement money and possibly be forced to take a joint and survivor pension. If I stay with him, the odds are good that I will outlive him and get everything, which will then go to our kids and any future grand kids.
I know this sounds cold and clinical but I have been dealing with this for over a decade. As for the she got fat theory. I weighed 100 pounds when H and I met and he was heartthrob handsome and built. We have both doubled in size since then. However, H consistently says that my obesity doesn’t bother him and I believe him. I am no longer physically attracted to him, but it has to do with the fact that he cheated on me and not the way he looks.
I may still divorce him, though, if he continues to refuse to downsize and leave the hellhole house and town we live in. I don’t want to grow old paying $15K plus a year in property taxes, I want to use that money for other things. He wants to die in this house and I want to close the door behind me and never return to this town.
I am a single woman, by choice for the last 30 years. I raised my child by myself, no help. I have been engaged twice, to men that could have given my child and I a more comfortable life financially speaking, but didn’t go through with either.I find it sad that some find it acceptable to stay with somebody for monetary reasons, or till the kids are gone.
I appreciate the perspective from a male point of view, but let me give you a woman’s perspective – well at least one woman’s perspective.
I really have no idea if men sit around and rate women when we are not there – but I am being honest when I tell you that the women I know do not do that when they encounter a good looking man. I go out often with my group of girlfriends and they all know my H and socialize with him. What would I be communicating to my friends if I started ooogling or commenting on younger or good looking men that walked into wherever we were? I think that would suggest that I had a wandering eye and was putting myself in play so to speak. It would suggest interest on my part in that man. I think that just shows a whole lot of disrespect to my H and my marriage.
And that doesn’t mean we don’t notice a good looking man. If we are all sitting on the beach and a particularly fit man around our age walks by, someone might say “that guy is in really good shape.” But that doesn’t seem to me the kind of thing you are talking about here.
Among the memorable jokes I’ve retained is the story of an old gentleman who appears at his men’s club function with a stunningly attractive wife many decades younger than he is. The fellow club members question him afterwards about how he was able to pull this off.
“I lied about my age”, he said.
“Ridiculous. You look every bit of your seventy eight years!”
“Yes, but I told her I’m ninety one :).”
I know plenty of couples like noles is describing. None I’m especially close to, probably by choice.
When my parents married, my mom was drop-dead gorgeous. (I’m extremely jealous I didn’t get more of her genes.) Blonde hair, blue eyes, 5’9", thin, etc. She was this way for most of my time growing up, too. Even after she had me, the weight dropped off almost instantaneously.
Then she got sick. She developed something called Graves Disease and with it came a significant amount of weight and screwed up eyes. (You can google Graves Disease eyes but basically it makes them bulge.) Despite multiple eye surgeries, the screwed up eyes remain. Despite working out 4-5 times a week and eating healthier than probably any person I know, she remains about 40 lb overweight. Her doctors have told her that it’s just going to be that way because of the meds she takes.
She does dye her hair. Not because of grey, but because she likes it a few shades lighter. She never wears make up. She, like me, doesn’t even own any.
My father still looks at her like she is the most gorgeous creature on the planet. He even (somewhat jokingly, somewhat not) “brags” about having such a hot wife. I am truly very lucky to have had such a great example growing up of how people should treat their spouses.
(Don’t get me wrong- there were problems, too, sometimes major ones in the marriage. But all in all, I’m pretty in awe of how well they’ve gotten through everything.)
The title of this thread is “midlife divorces.” When I came on here, I expected a supportive thread for people who divorced/are divorcing in midlife.
Instead there are pages of posts of still-married people who seem to make assumptions about those who do divorce. How would anyone know who does and does not have counseling? Many people don’t think “growing apart” is an adequate reason for divorce, or sex, or looks or any of that superficial stuff- but end up divorced for more pressing reasons. The superficiality of this discussion is stunning.
Mycupoftea I understand your background but why on earth post a thread about other people’s misfortunes? It seems cruel to me, like gossiping, and that is how the thread has turned out.
If someone who WAS divorced posted this thread, it would be entirely different.
I wasn’t going to look again and won’t now. If anyone reading this IS divorced and having a hard time, feel free to PM me.
Thank you for the elegant reply. Personally, I don’t think you’d be communicating anything negative about your H or your relationship with your H if you oogled or commented on a younger man. I seriously do not think that would signal anything negative. Humans are wired to be social and sexual and that doesn’t mean having sex it means noticing other people. I, frankly, don’t get all the self-flagilation that people do if and when they do notice someone else even if they are not married to that other person as if, somehow, marriage suddenly causes all that wiring to stop. Apparently, the assumption is it signals something negative about their current relationship.
No. Not really.
You can be madly in love with someone and completely and totally happy in the relationship you are and notice someone across the restaurant or mall. It is not a crime. It is part of nature and part of being alive and I think guys tend to get that whereas ladies don’t.
To be fair, the OP wasn’t at all about support for midlife divorces.
I absolutely applaud the people who get out of bad marriages. It takes strength and courage to do, especially (traditionally and not always), for women.
Most on here know that I worked in a domestic violence shelter for a while. Many, many, MANY women came through there who were midlife. Most were waiting for their kids to go to college. And not everyone who came in was the survivor physical violence.
I will also judge men who blame their wives for their infidelity (and vice versa if the wife cheats).
@GoNoles - so why do it only when we are not around? I agree that it most certainly is not a crime, but disagree that it doesn’t send a signal to those who are with you.
@ahl - fix the settings on your inbox. I tried to reply to your PM but it was returned with a message that it was sent to a “No Reply” mailbox.
@GoNoles, now a lot of your postings make some sense crystally speaking. I used to think you were a Mom posting…
Adding to the superficiality of this thread, we are seeing more of this trend of parents divorcing once the kids are gone, and there have been multiple papers and articles on the subject. In our circle of acquaintances, we had a father who decided he was gay, informed his wife via text message, and left in the middle of the night with the dog. Another woman asked for a separation from her long time husband because she decided to become a nun and join a convent in Iowa. That said, the mast majority of marriages seem to be holding up to the major life change of kids leaving the nest.
If you read Coming Apart by Charles Murray, his thesis is that successful families tend to share certain traits like being actively religious, having a strong work ethic, and high respect for the law, and that these traits lead to high marriage rates and more successful lives.Our district has lots of families with these traits, so one would expect the divorce to be lower than normal.
I think it’s superficial and mean to suggest that people who get divorces are failures.
I’m 61 and have been married 38 years. What I think successful marriages have in common is lots and lots and lots of luck.
@111,
Have you considered that some people are secure enough in their relationships that even if they comment on other people it doesn’t signal a weakness or longing about who they are with? By the way, what is the difference between THINKING that guy/girl is really hot and SAYING IT? Are you actually going to try tell me that if you think it but don’t say it that makes it all better?
Guys don’t always do it when the women are around to avoid the predictable and off base attacks, frankly. I’ve noted, in my life experiences, that certain folks hate men and jump at any opportunity to attack men over any real or perceived incident. I’d rather drink motor oil than go anywhere near them.
There is a fine line between being friendly and flirting.
Here again, doing either one does not mean one is not completely satisfied with one’s current relationship. A few of the ladies where I work are single. Others are married and in relationships. That doesn’t stop them from being friendly with me and if they are I take it as a compliment. I don’t presume that that means they are not happy with their situations single or whatever. One of these ladies clearly gives me a decent amount of attention but I know she is in a relationship and I think she just likes talking to certain guys at work now and then. I absolutely do not think less of her or think she is being aggressive or whatever. I’ve noticed that when the single guys at work talk to her she is short with them but literally comes to my office now and then to chat. I think it is cool she does that. I think she is secure in her relationship and person that she doesn’t give it another thought.
I don’t think anyone did suggest that people who are divorced are failures. Maybe I missed it. I don’t think anyone here can determine, from a distance, whether it is better to stay married or cut and run. Just like anything else in life, it depends on the situation. I certainly will not condemn anyone for staying even if it for the sake of the kids. That is a sacrificing and in some cases that is the noble and correct thing to do.
For me personally, this thread was not at all about support for midlife divorces (thank you, romaini 
), but rather about the decision process, the underlying reasons and causes, the choices that people make, and, most importantly, about reflecting. I’d like to especially thank @rosered55 @massmom @Midwest67 @Bestfriendsgirl @SouthFloridaMom9 @techmom99 and many others for their sincere and insightful posts. There is absolutely nothing superficial about them, and they certainly give a lot to contemplate about for anyone at this age group, whether happily married, divorced, or still at crossroads.
I didn’t perceive this thread to be superficial @mycupoftea. I thought it was coming from a sincere curiosity. If you would have talked to me about divorce 10 years ago I would have had zero context. It’s good to Ask and to appreciate that it’s complex. Divorce after 20+ years is way too painful to be frivolous.
@GoNoles – Well I think that what we say is important – whether we like it or not words have meaning. I think it is in my best interest to keep that in mind. Me saying that another man is “hot” could cause my friends/acquaintances to make assumptions – they might think I have interest. It’s not an unreasonable assumption to make. I would not want that to reflect on my H or my marriage. People are funny – you think you know them until you don’t – people gossip.
I have one acquaintance from my college days who is now divorced and purchased a townhouse in the next town. We used to meet for drinks or dinner but now I will only meet her for coffee or lunch. She is very attractive and is quite adept at letting men know if she is interested. So before you know it she would have men at our table buying us drinks and joining us for dinner. Well that’s not what I signed up for. I was usually a wreck thinking some couple we knew was going to walk in and see me sitting there, drinks flowing yucking it up with a bunch of men none of which were my H. Maybe that doesn’t matter to some people, but it matters to me. I live in a small town.
I think the scenario with your work colleague is a totally different situation and not at all what we are discussing here.