I’ve made sure Meghan Trainor’s “No” is on as many of my daughters’ iTunes playlists as it can remotely fit the general sound…
I’m much more of the mindset of taking care of these types of things immediately, as they happen. If you don’t do something right away, chances are, you’ll never do anything about it, and then you be aggravated and feel victimized. It feels much better to react immediately, whether it’s with anger, or humor, and gets the point across quickly. Now it can be difficult to do that as a young woman, but if you prepare yourself for it, it gets easier. I’ve had far more obnoxious situations that have happened to me…some I let go because I’m pretty thick skinned, others I didn’t address and felt annoyed about later, and some that I’ve taken care of immediately, to my satisfaction, and felt good about them. Never been interested in reporting people weeks after the fact, when they may not even remember the offense.
You live and learn, and figure out what empowers you most. And you learn you don’t have to put up with that crap.
I guess I don’t perceive what I am noticing lately as “little things.” They reflect a general attitude that appears to be pretty persistent. While I think we have made a lot of progress, I don’t think we are there yet.
How about this billboard that was erected by an anonymous group in North Carolina last week:
What message are young girls getting when they see this?
What a dumb idea to erect a sign like that, nowadays, with so many women providing for their children, either on their own or as the main provider. That’s just insulting. what is wrong with people anyways!
I think, as outraged as we are, the bottom line is how intparent’s D processes this and moves forward. She, as an individual young woman, new to some of this, may decide that the fight starts with the next incident. She may need to process, this time.
No, that’s not the warrior in us. Yes, it leaves open an infringement. But this has to work for her. And I trust intparent is a savvy Mom.
Honestly – she gets hit on a lot, and gets a lot of unwanted male attention. She is very pretty in a male dominated environment. I once saw a guy walk into a metal sign when he turned on the street to watch her go by. (That was karma 
).
If a guy did something like these guys on her own turf, she’d put him in his place. It is the power imbalance when it is a prof, or being stuck in the window seat of a plane in flight that is challenging. I don’t think it is as easy to prepare for or react to those situations.
Realistically, she needs to ready herself to react when she can do so without causing herself issues (like on the plane – although as someone pointed out, the guy could have followed her when she got off), or when the behavior is egregious enough that it is worth the cost to report it or challenge it. I wish it was not a calculation she will be required to make repeatedly.
Power to your D, @intparent !
@intparent I think it says a lot that she was comfortable to come to you and discuss it. I do think the situation is slowly improving, but not nearly as fast as we parents would like it to. Just being able to discuss this type of thing on a thread is helpful. As a parent, if there is an incident with one of my girls, it is good to know that it is happening to many others too. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, sure brought up an old memory. Prof grabbed a kiss as I was leaving after a visit. I was stunned. I did not got there for a PHD. I had been friends with him, he was a good mentor, for my masters. This was 1977. I just cut all ties off with him. I wish I had dealt with him–I was pretty bold–but I was really hurt and disappointed. I feel certain he knew he crossed the line. sigh. all simply stupid.
Looking back it would have been the best program for me discomfort and all.
Yes, it is upsetting that these incidents are occurring. It is good to read about this so we can discuss it with our local bed ones so a response can be considered preventatively, to prevent freezing with shock. It’s also good if we can train our sons to be upstanding bystanders who help improve the situation.
Thanks, OP for airing this important topic and incidents.
intparent, sorry your D is having these issues. With mine heading into the tech world after graduation, I am concerned about her encountering these types of people as well.
@intparent You daughter is learning that being pretty is both a blessing and a curse. As you mentioned, she gets lots of attention from the males and I suspect it has been happening all her life. It will get worse as she becomes a young woman. These types of conversations are beneficial to her because she will need these tools to be prepared for these types of situations that will arise frequently in the future.
She got attention from boys her own age in HS and early college – no huge interest in anyone then, but she got a lot of practice at politely turning them down. It is adult men who are badly behaved now entering the picture that she is less equipped to deal with.
“I wish it was not a calculation she will be required to make repeatedly”
This is part of what really bothers me about all these incidents. To push back against this behavior takes time away from a woman’s professional and personal obligations. It is an underlying level of stress that they should not be expected to put up with at this point in time. Societal standards should make this behavior unthinkable.
"I guess I don’t perceive what I have been noticing lately as “little things.”
Yes!!! It all adds up and impacts our perception of acceptable behavior. I worry it doesn’t take much to revert back to the mindset where some are comfortable asking why we have to always overreact and just can’t take a joke. In the media these days are way too many examples of efforts to silence women for me to be comfortable about this issue.
@intparent Yes. That is my point. She is getting older and turning into a woman. Once a woman reaches the age of say 25, she will attract men of all ages. When she was a teenager, she attracted boys a few years older, the same most likely happened in college. But as she gets older she will attract men much much older than she is. Not saying it is right, just saying it happens often. Plenty of rich men looking for some young eye candy. You as the mom are appalled I know, but it does happen. She will have to figure out a way to avoid these overtures as well.
If she reports it to the department chair, does the dept chair then have an obligation to report it to the Title IX coordinator?
You sound like me - and I get accused of being moody. Some days I would laugh this stuff off. Others I would be terribly offended… But I understand how this is easier said than done.
Thankfully, a lot the crap I had to put up with when I was their age is long gone - I worked as a Girl Friday in a small office one summer through college, where there were “calendars” on the office wall. Being called “Toots” and invited to sit on the boss’s lap - he was easily 30 years my senior - was meant in a weird sense of humor, having a little fun at my expense was how they tried to make me feel more accepted. They all teased each other all the time. I don’t think they were terrible people, but the stuff they did would simply not fly in today’s world.
Many years ago I was working in an office for the summer to make money to pay my college tuition. Most of my office mates were men, but certainly not all of them. For my 19th birthday, I got a wrapped present. It was a huge dildo. Everyone around seemed to think that was just hilarious, even the other women.
Can you imagine that happening now?
@MassDaD68, I guess by the time she is 25 she will have developed more skills to deal with this. But she is only 21 now. And I don’t think women ever figure out how to handle it well when there is a power imbalance. Bottom line is that it is costly to complain – can cost you your career.
It seems to me politely rejecting polite advances is completely different than shutting down behaviors like intparent’s daughter encountered. Completely different skill sets imho.
I’m so glad to have aged out of being an object of attention at construction sites. It felt like a weight was lifted. Chatting with pleasant male seat mates on a plane never stressed me out.
Gentlemen, regardless of age, don’t make women uncomfortable in these situations.
That’s for sure. The things that people did, the ridiculousness that we put up with (and directed back towards those engaged in it), I don’t think any of us would get away with that now. There were plenty of people that I really liked, who always had my back, that still did things that were incredibly inappropriate.
For example, there was a formal ceremony where a few of us were given our wings for upgrade to aircraft commander. We were wearing our dress blues, gathered in front of everybody in the unit. I was the only woman, 23 years old, and it was a rather big deal to me. When the commander pinned the wings on my uniform (upper part of my chest), he made a long, loud whistling sound like a balloon being popped. Everybody laughed hysterically, in the middle of a formal ceremony. It was humiliating, but I just smiled and held my head up high, like it didn’t bother me. I really liked my commander, and he always did right by me, but this was really uncomfortable. I did get revenge, though, tenfold. A huge formal dinner in the squadron, with hundreds of people there…me and the other woman in the squadron hired a male stripper to dance for him. This must have been far more humiliating for him, but he took it with very good humor. Nowadays, I’d probably get a dishonorable discharge for that one, but revenge was sweet. 