<p>Had breakfast with D this morning and tried to calm her about the white dress and how I really did get the impression this was just an exciting time for Baby jane and weddings are like that. I told her I had asked baby jane to help me fill and deliver the welcome bags and I also found out that another guest might be bringing a four year old. So… </p>
<p>I feel a need to clarify on the attendant thing. I am hiring my friends daughter to come to the wedding and the reception to make sure that kids get what they need and want. We were considering making a special children’s table where there would be different favors and of course, children’s meals and on the side of the room with an easy access to the outside so they didn’t have to feel they had to sit but didn’t disrupt the flow. It is my INTENTION to give the adults with youngers a little helping hand… No need to leave their dinners to go to the rest room, etc. </p>
<p>But I have noticed a trend on this thread… we are all certainly colored by our own experiences when it comes to getting married and our inlaws. All the flowery talk about families uniting and on and on… all comes down to what off thing was going on in the background. </p>
<p>Im going to also have to agree with the poor response mechanism to passive aggressive. And I sure hope the good behavior that i witnessed this weekend wasn’t some kind of auction of ,see? She’s perfectly behaved. </p>
<p>I am going to agree with the white dress as a semi-non issue… except I really do think D’s feelings are mostly injured because she had asked it be avoided some time ago. My approach is going to just act excited to be the MOB and hope the future MIL catches on that her role here is MOG - and not the grandmother to the jilted flower girl. It is my hope to just keep people positive.</p>
<p>But if the MOG wants to be escorted down the aisle by the grandchildren, both dressed in white… Im just going to have to shake my head and grab the xanax. Often! But I did explain to D that my I had my own MIL issues to contend with so for some of it, she was on her own. I also told her to try not to draw too strong a line in the sand when in reality they’re moving across the country following the wedding and this was going to be a shortlived problem unless she made it too big a deal. And I also asked her to reconsider how strongly her fiance feels about this OR are his strong feelings because he thinks they are hers. Communication is crucial right now… and be prepared to feel very strongly about things that really, in the end don’t matter!!</p>
<p>Moda…how did I miss this??? I would wait to hear back from groom about his discussion with his family. BUT…since I can’t keep my mouth shut and I would worry about this I think I would engage future MIL in a nice conversation about how important the ceremony is to the kids and how hard they have worked to make every detail meaningful and personal for them. See where that leads. </p>
<p>Although this is off topic several here have discussed hosting and who pays. Our D1 was married almost two years ago. We offered an amount to D1 and her future groom to budget for the wedding. We invited the future in-laws to dinner to discuss wedding details but they said they felt they weren’t obligated to contribute anything to the wedding. Ok, then. They sure had something to say when we said there would be limited invites and no kids at the reception due to a smaller venue due to a smaller budget. I don’t understand how you can complain that you want to invite more people when you don’t contribute to the cost. Oh…the invites were divided equally although I did grumble about it. The last straw was when some of the groom’s family who we didn’t know charged hundreds of dollars for drinks on our account before the wedding started. H was not happy.</p>
<p>I paid for my own wedding. We had 150 guests and split that amount down the middle. My husband had a larger family and his mom wanted to invite more than her share. When she brought it up she made it clear that the additional guests would be paid for by she and her husband.</p>
<p>She was a class act. She died two years after we were married. I always wish I had longer with her. Some of my friends would like to change places with me :)</p>
<p>I’m telling you – if, for whatever reason, at the actual wedding, someone sends the little girl down the aisle and your future son-in-law cannot stop or prevent it – you HAVE to let your daughter know that she is NOT to act upset, even if inside she is fuming. Because that’s the reaction these kinds of people want. Part of it is wanting to put your daughter “in her place,” and if she fumes and gets all upset – then they have the ability to say, “See what a witch she is? She couldn’t even turn aside fifteen seconds of her special day to make Baby Jane happy,” and that is going to be the family lore that surrounds her - and that will lead nowhere. Honestly if they do wind up sending the little girl down the aisle? Maybe your daughter can say, “Oh, look, you were such a funny SURPRISE! I didn’t even KNOW I was having a flower girl, and there you were!” and laugh it off. </p>
<p>If anybody has to be the heavy, it has to be the future son-in-law with his family. It cannot be your daughter. She needs to act above it all. Best of luck.</p>
I do think this is very much part of what is going on. Weddings shake things up quite a bit, and family members on both sides wonder (even if subconsciously), “what will our relationships with the bride/groom be like now? Will he or she still have time for me? Am I still important in his/her life?” It’s normal to have trouble coming to terms with such a huge change in dynamics, but most people manage it and try to be their best selves in order to get the couple off to a happy start. But add in a passive-aggressive streak, a personality disorder, or a previously dysfunctional relationship, and the jockeying for position gets carried to an extreme.</p>
<p>It kind of seems to me as if the little girl is being used as a pawn in all this, as well.</p>
<p>Bride and groom need to stick to their guns and communicate clearly and repeatedly (if necessary) to his family. </p>
<p>Then, back it up with the paid babysitter and/or wedding coordinator making sure there are no game day shenanigans. Don’t rely on an usher - a young man who doesn’t want to make a fuss - to control what is clearly PREMEDITATED mischief.</p>
<p>That’s what bugs me the most. No wedding is perfect - our caterer forgot the coffee at the reception - but he didn’t deliberately leave out the coffee because he thought we should be drinking tea.</p>
<p>The B and G need to stick to their guns or we’ll be reading another thread in a few years where Grandma is calling their baby Joseph Jr. when they named him Harry. I swear I read a thread like that on cc once.</p>
<p>Have not read every last post today but want to say they we did elope to avoid my narcissistic mother. That said the family minister friend that we traveled from OR to New Zealand to marry us took over our wedding. Changed the date/time and invited 100 people as he was a visiting minister of a cathedral (later my H figured out that he may have been taking care of his own obligations).</p>
<p>So date/time/ on the front page of the Dunedin Newspaper twice, a lamb dinner ( I was totally veg of 15 yrs) and Mori kids giving me satin horse shoes…The mayor at the reception.
And not one single thing that I, as the bride, wanted. Groom did not know what to do and, as I was there alone ( thinking I was avoiding my own nutty family) I sobbed but went along with it. And ALL I had asked for was a Monday morning 11 a.m. exchanging of the vows with 5 people present and a brunch after.!!! ( but Married on a Tues. at 3)</p>
<p>I still believe that my MIL should have protected me–I would fight anyone who hurt my own DIL as she is the avenue to my S and kids. Plus I like her.</p>
<p>So while it would be best if the groom could deal with this, it is also likely that You need to step in and be a lion mom. </p>
<p>And I do know that I was a first poster and still believe that the groom needs to speak to his mother and a sister. After that has happened, you are the person to protect your own D.</p>
<p>This has often been a problem where one side (usually the groom’s) won’t pay or will only pay for certain set things, and then wants more seats at the reception and is outraged when told that there is a per plate cost for each guest. As I said earlier, my MIL simply invited the extras herself, and in our case, it could have been a real problem due to the fire code limitations of our reception venue. She did not bother to think about such things or did not care. Thankfully, no head count was done, and no disaster occurred. </p>
<p>I found out later, that this sort of thing happens a lot, by the way. In one case, the MOG actually called the reception site, pretending to be the MOB and added some seating. </p>
<p>There will almost always be something that goes not quite the way it should have been at a wedding, and I just hope it’s truly a no big deal thing that doesn’t hit anyone’s buttons.</p>
<p>Our family is much much bigger than the grooms, and is why we are also contributing to the rehearsal dinner since it is the case where we’re having the wedding that there aren’t many other options for out-of-towners to eat (and every one will be from out of town essentially). My daughter is slightly concerned that MOG might be looking at Rehearsal dinner as HER party with NO input from the bride and groom, but mentioned some sort of Dr. Seuss theme that future SIL (who is 34) said, “hell no.” :)</p>
<p>As it is, we are already giving them our condo and the one across the hall as gifted from our neighbor. So I am of the mind we are already being generous and considerate of their financial constraints. It’s an open bar (but the reception is not at the same place where the ceremony is happening) and so I don’t have to worry about anyone charging things not on the account as we pay per head. And the bar closes for an hour over dinner, where we’ll serve wine and champagne with the ridiculous corking fee. But we already saved big time in buying the wine at a very good price. Of course little did I know it’s considered smuggling to take that much wine across state lines, even for private consumption apparently. Ignorance was bliss. </p>
<p>Honestly NMN - I wouldn’t have paid that bill had I been your H. I would have put that on the club hosting that they served it prior to the “start” of the event of which is likely the time frame you agreed to pay for. Are we saying had I gone to the club that day, I could have just tapped onto your tab? :)</p>
Unless the new MIL decides to take courtesy as carte blanche going forward.</p>
<p>I told my girls already that I will take on any tasks assigned by them for their weddings, but I expect to make very few decisions. The only things I am adamant about are that (1) my own son escorts me to my seat, (2) my mother is treated with the honor due the grandmother of the bride (which includes making sure accommodations are made for her physical situation which could simply involve giving timely instructions to my brother), and (3) that there be some vegetarian something available so I can eat.</p>
<p>Beyond, that, I’m going to be the worker bee and smile and nod until my neck and jaw hurt. Which will be very tough since I could see my D1’s boyfriend as a total groomzilla. My D2’s boyfriend (LOVE him) walks around in a state of awe that he gets to be her boyfriend. I can’t imagine him having an opinion on anything beyond having chosen the bride.</p>
<p>When my Wretched Niece got married I actually did call the venue to find out whether/how they were handicap accessible because niece/sister wouldn’t do it. The people at the venue were beyond informative and kind.</p>
<p>I’m getting heart palpitations. I have long intended to be the best ever MOG & MIL. Only two requests–she pick my dress and cover cleavage, and they write thank you notes timely.</p>
<p>I was so glad to have boys first…figured I’d just smile and nod and never need this info. DIL’s mother has been absent most of her life. This is the beginning stages where everything major needs decided and I’m getting MOB honors and duties! While I am so grateful she feels this way, it’s very overhwelming to teeter between the lines of MOB/MOG.</p>
<p>I am not a party person. This will be big, ~300. Trying to breathe deep. CC got the kid into college; y’all can get the kids married, right? This thread is making me ask questions I never considered. Who walks me down the aisle? Heck, all I thought about was not tripping getting to my seat :)</p>
<p>Interested to see the outcome for OP. Hopefully a good one!</p>
<p>Now, here I might take issue with your Dd. The rehearsal dinner is traditionally the MOG’s (and FOG’s) domain. I realize that you are “contributing”-but this was your choice, as I understand it, - but it really should be the groom’s parent’s gig , unless you really are paying for the whole thing and hosting it, or unless there is an agreement that you are co-hosts and you’re sharing equal expenses. Aren’t the groom’s parents the hosts?<br>
You can’t complain about sticking to tradition when it suits you ( dress color of little Janie, for instance) but ignore it when it doesn’t. I hope I’m not being too harsh- I don’t mean to be, but as an MOG myself, who is planning a rehearsal dinner for 70 people, most of whom are MOBs family, I would be very surprised if the bride started telling me what she wanted to see. I might ask the couple’s opinion, or not, but My H and I are the hosts and we expect to plan and arrange the event as we wish. Granted, we’re paying, but even if the bride’s family were “contributing,” it’s still every bit the groom’s family’s deal, the same way that the wedding and reception are “the bride’s day,” no?</p>
<p>My mother was a hippie and was completely irrelevant for most important moments in my life. My MIL has been really “there” for us/me over the years, and I couldn’t love her more. We even intend to build a little cottage for her on our property so that if she ends up needing to be taken care of, we can do so.</p>
<p>I think this may be one of the reasons my own D gets along so well, already, with future MIL. She just went into it assuming this would be a really great person in her life and future MIL has agreed to this idea. Of course, future SIL is very close with his family and so this is all a good thing all around.</p>
<p>So don’t stress. It’s not a bad thing to be someone your DIL trusts.</p>
<p>poetgrl–thanks for the kind words. I am grateful, and more excited than I thought I would be, but scared She is also strongly considering having the reception in my yard. H not so keen on that idea. Trying to steer her to the safety of having an indoor reception for so many people. Weather here is iffy in June. Could be gorgeous; could be a tornado.</p>
Often! But I did explain to D that my I had my own MIL issues to contend with so for some of it, she was on her own. I also told her to try not to draw too strong a line in the sand when in reality they’re moving across the country following the wedding and this was going to be a shortlived problem unless she made it too big a deal. And I also asked her to reconsider how strongly her fiance feels about this OR are his strong feelings because he thinks they are hers. Communication is crucial right now… and be prepared to feel very strongly about things that really, in the end don’t matter!!</p>
The last straw was when some of the groom’s family who we didn’t know charged hundreds of dollars for drinks on our account before the wedding started. H was not happy.</p>